May the Best-Looking Man Win
            

            Frank--ohmyGod, I had no idea I was thought to be obsessive about the Chosen
People. Who started that base canard? Believe me, having married two Jews and
being now entangled with a third hardly makes up for my almost total lack of
information re the history of our people. I absolutely thought, until last
year, that Hanukkah celebrated the loaves and fishes being miraculously lit by
an oil lamp. Perhaps I have managed to fool a few people because I know some
Yiddish. As for the latkes, I went to a divine 40 th -birthday party
yesterday afternoon where the menu was latkes and birthday cake. Of course I
realize that such a party could only happen here, in egghead heaven ...
Cambridge, home of Harvard. And if you're really serious about a home remedy
for grease-induced skin eruptions, try toothpaste. As for sympathy, I have
oodles for you--probably from guilt, because my skin is probably the feature I
am most known for.

            Well, now that I have managed to touch on a bit of my marital history, my
religious ignorance, announcing where I live, and a zit treatment, let's push
away that plate of latkes and get serious. Now comes the part where I reveal
what I believe to be a sin: envy. How I wish I, too, could be winging to
Phoenix to see those rummies go at it again. (I trust you are e'ing me from the
little phone in the seat, making each minute cost Mike Kinsley about $2.80,
making your words, indeed, golden.)

            I am probably skirting another sin, here, but I can't get away from
evaluating the Republican candidates' looks. Keyes, I guess, is classically
attractive, but he looks like he just managed to run away from his attendant.
Bush perhaps could be considered good-looking, but you can see the ongoing war
of his muscles trying to rein in the smirk. Bauer looks like the polymer clay
model for an animated cartoon figure, and Forbes ... well, Forbes could use
some of the toothpaste. It is surely a coincidence that I like McCain best.

            As for Jews in the News (a predictable situation, seeing as how we control
the media), I am most concerned by the Safra murder. That is my bank! Between a
mysterious murder and Y2K coming up, I could wind up with my checking account
erased, and then I would be reduced to ... well, modeling for Oil of Olay. As
for television, I think you're misspelling "dreck." My choice would be "drek."
Perhaps Leon Weiseltier will check in and set us straight.

            While you are gauging the Zeitgeist from the Times , I
started with the Boston Globe this morning. Am very concerned about
whether we'll go to war with Cuba over the little boy in the inner tube. Señor
Castro is saying return the kid or else. Or else what? Also, I am fascinated by
the blue-green algae from Hawaii (in a capsule) that takes away aches and pains
and migraines. Its name is Spirulina. (Anything to do with Thumbelina, do you
think?)

            But returning to what's important: tonight. I am most interested in Dubya's
next bon mot. My favorite, to date, was his announcement that he knew the name
of "the head" of India. But it doesn't matter that he's not articulate (except
maybe to Yale). The man is, after all, governor of the state that, if it were a
nation, would be the 11 th largest economy in the world.

            Talk to you later. (And skip the sour cream, go with the applesauce.)