Smoking Is Very Bad for You
            

            Tim--

            Did you go to summer camp? I went for five years, and the one thing I could
never get used to was that awful feeling I got in my stomach on the last
morning. I would wake up--the final bars of "Stairway to Heaven" still running
through my head from the last dance, the smell of smoke still in my hair from
the last campfire--and my heart would be filled with despair, knowing that in
just a few short hours the buses would arrive to transport me from the warm
nurturing womb of summer camp back to the harsh, unfriendly place that is the
Real World. Well, that's how I felt today, our last day of "Breakfast Table."
So let's make sure we exchange numbers and stay in touch ... you know, even
after the summer. And we'll see each other next year, right? Right, Tim?
Sigh. Oh, and sorry about participating in "Tie Tim Down and Beat Him on
the Stomach With Soap Wrapped in a Towel Night," but everyone else in the bunk
went along with it.

            Now on to the news.

            On Monday you expressed a desire to antagonize the "Fray" and I don't know
about you, but I've been somewhat disappointed in our results. Despite our
attempts, almost zero outrage. So let me try with this one: Smoking is very bad
for you. And, according to the New York Times , the Canadian government
agrees with me, as it proposed radical new cigarette packaging rules yesterday
that would force tobacco makers to create cigarette packs that carry color
photographs of diseased hearts and cancerous lungs and lips.

            Look, I think everyone should be warned of the dangers of smoking. I think
every cigarette pack and ad should have a warning label, and a straightforward
one at that. (I propose: "Smoking is very bad for you.") I'm glad they've
banned cigarettes in restaurants and public spaces in New York so I don't have
to breathe in Joe Butts' secondhand smoke. But I think that as long as someone
is an adult (key word there; scumbags who sell cigarettes to children should be
treated to a heavy dose of state-sponsored torture), then let them enjoy their
pack-a-day trips to Marlboro Country. They know what they're getting into. It's
not like the story about the smoking/cancer link got buried on Page C27 under
an item about the Rotary Club's new lawn sprinkler.

            Oh, and let me say that my feelings are not based on some sort of
well-considered, long-held libertarian principle. I just came up with this
about half an hour ago, because I have family in Montreal, and when I go to
visit them I don't want to stop at a convenience store for a pack of gum and
have to look at a display case of diseased lung photos. It's worth noting that
the redesigned cigarette packs would also carry a warning: "Cigarettes may
cause sexual impotence due to decreased blood flow to the penis. This can
prevent you from having an erection." Yeah, and so can looking at pictures of
diseased hearts and lungs.

            On the other hand, if the Canadian government wants to force Coca-Cola to
print time-lapse photos of a nail dissolving in a glass of their product, then
go for it. Are you with me on this?