Early Larry King Recently Uncovered
            

            Tim--

            You're absolutely right about companies' trying to frustrate and annoy their
customers. It's the best explanation I can come up with for the Taco Bell
Chihuahua. On the other hand, all those things you criticized about
casinos--the pumped-in oxygen, the windowless rooms--are to me the very things
that make them special, magical places.

            So, I was thinking about our discussion yesterday of which newspaper
columnists makes us laugh, and I forgot my favorite--Larry King's ramblings in
USA Today . Now, that guy cracks me up. First of all, he name-drops so
often even Dick Cavett is embarrassed for him, and his commentary is so
lightweight it makes our exchanges in "Breakfast Table" read like a dialogue
between Arthur Schlesinger Jr. and Plato. (The philosopher, not the dead
Diff'rent Strokes star.) Anyway, that got me to thinking: What would
Larry have done if USA Today had existed in, say, 1965?

            

               I saw The Graduate yesterday. I don't get it. Looks like my good
friend William Daniels blew it on this one. ... I walked down the aisle
recently and I have to tell you, if there's something greater than the sanctity
of marriage, I have yet to find it. Well, maybe a pack of Lucky Strikes. ... If
you're looking for a good laugh, check out Accidental Family , starring
my buddy Jerry Van Dyke, Fridays on NBC. ... I was talking to family friend
Dick Nixon the other day and he's making rumblings about coming out of
retirement and running for president. If he wins the White House, I guarantee
he'll bring real class and leadership to the office. ... I was friends with him
back when he was Cassius Clay, but now that he insists on going by "Muhammad
Ali" and dodging the draft, we're not friends any more. ... Speaking of the
Vietnam Conflict, I say we put the Vietcong up against my pal King Kong and let
'em duke it out--my money's on the gorilla. ... Just heard Sgt. Pepper's
Lonely Hearts Club Band . I don't get it. Good thing I'm not friends with
John Lennon. ... Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that fashions are
getting a little wacky these days? I'm going to have to give my ol' pal Coco
Chanel a call. ... My inside sources at NASA tell me we'll have a man on the
moon no later than 1982. Book it.

            

            Thanks for indulging me there, Tim.

            So, are you as geeked up as I am about Michael Jordan's return to
basketball? I can't wait for the clips on ESPN: "Boo yeah! Michael just signed
Zagrav Pitroyviakch out of the Italian League to a 10-day contract!" "Did you
see how high up Michael got last night as he walked to his executive skybox?"
Anyway, I have no idea if you care, but I wanted to bring a little sports radio
fun to the Breakfast Table.