Janet. The Planet. Will Bill Lann It?

            Janet Reno's rope-a-dope
performance before Indiana Rep. Dan Burton's investigative committee earned
Issue 1 honors. Reno "took a beating" (Juan Williams, Fox News Sunday )
and "didn't give an inch" (Michael Duffy, PBS's Washington Week in
Review ) or "flinch" (Mara Liasson, Fox News Sunday ). Then, reported
the pundits, she "shellacs them" (Nina Totenberg, Inside Washington ) in
a "masterful performance" (Sam Donaldson, ABC's This Week ) and "wins the
moment" (Clarence Page, This Week ).

            Reno reversed the standard
narrative arc of congressional hearings, in which belligerent congressmen make
witnesses look stupid, said Evan Thomas ( Inside Washington ). The
attorney general's pugilistic secret? She "bores them to death" (Totenberg).
The pundits' appreciation of Reno's idiot savancy stopped short of direct
comparisons to Forrest Gump or Chauncey Gardener. They neglected to make this
connection only because they failed to think of it, not because they respect
her.

            
Discovering the bright side of the hearing for the Republicans was Paul Gigot
(PBS's NewsHour With Jim Lehrer), who snooted out these meager truffles: By
calling Reno and FBI Director Louis Freeh into the station for questioning,
Burton kept alive the controversy over Reno's decision not to appoint an
independent counsel. Also, the increased scrutiny will give Freeh new "freedom"
to continue his campaign-finance probe.

            The Clinton administration's embrace of the global-warming
treaty was Issue 2. The treaty, which Clinton won't submit to the Senate for
ratification any time soon, was pronounced DOA (Pat Buchanan, The McLaughlin
Group ) and a political liability to both Clinton and Gore--especially
presidential candidate Gore--because it is opposed by business and labor. All
agreed that Gore is doomed if the treaty becomes his signature issue. Several
pundits (Liasson; Mark Shields, NewsHour ; Tony Blankley, CNN's Late
Edition ) compared the treaty's political impact to that of the Clinton
administration's first-term health-care initiative: Voters endorse big-think
issues like these in principle, but rebel after they get wind of the
specifics.

            
Conservative commentarians damn the Kyoto treaty because they reject the
global-warming science and fear the treaty's economic repercussions (Charles
Krauthammer, Inside Washington; Robert Novak, CNN's Capital Gang). The liberals
salute it for its political ambition. "Bold move," said Shields. It will "get
Americans used to the idea that they've got to do something" about global
warming, offered Thomas. Showing off his homework, Krauthammer alleged that
Germany supports the treaty because the closure of East Germany's dirtiest
factories has already brought the Germans into compliance with the coming
emission standards, which are set at 1990 levels.

            
Clinton's threat to make a recess appointment
of Bill Lann Lee as the head of the Justice Department's civil-rights division
and the indictment of Henry Cisneros dueled for the Issue 3 slot. Partisan
squabbling over Lee's impending recess appointment subsided with this
face-saving news: It now appears that Clinton will make an "acting" appointment
of Lee, which is supposed to clock out in 120 days. Why the Republicans took
solace in this retreat is a mystery: The 120-day limit can't be enforced,
whereas a recess appointment would end next year.

            The fall
of Hispanic political superstar Cisneros was labeled a "tragedy" (Thomas,
Liasson). Duffy restated the pertinent question, which nobody on the other
shows addressed: Where did public servant Cisneros get the $250,000 to pay off
his ex-mistress?

            

               Bob Novak's Charm School: Two weeks ago
on CNN's Evans & Novak , Novak praised Louis Farrakhan for his good
talk-show manners. This week's charm-school ribbon-winner was guest Burton,
whom Novak called "very restrained" in the Hill hearings he chaired. Burton was
also "restrained on our program," said Novak, adding that the congressman's
composure at the hearings disproves the "contention at the White House that
he's a wild man, and if they provoke him he'll blow up." Perhaps Novak should
invite Saddam Hussein, Latrell Sprewell, and James Cameron onto his show for
charm-school lessons.

            
               Doggie Style: Names
proposed for President Clinton's First Dog on the weekend shows--

            Juan Williams: "Par."

            Tony Blankley: "Shoes" (so
Clinton will have Shoes and Socks).

            Mara Liasson: "Shredder."

            Charles Krauthammer: "Reno"
(as in "come, Reno" and "stay, Reno").

            Rahm
Emanuel: "Frank" (as in Frank Sesno, the host of Late Edition , who asked
Emanuel the question).

            

               Punditus Interruptus: Novak and Al Hunt
bitch back and forth every week on Capital Gang about who is
interrupting whom. "Pundit Central," which can claim impartiality because it
cares not for either commentarian, will start counting interruptions. At the
end of January, the lead offender will be forever barred from indignantly
demanding of the lesser offender, "Can I finish?!"

            
               Chyrons: Why haven't
the pundits compared Latrell Sprewell with American legend Ty Cobb? Cobb beat
his wife, his children, his teammates, opposing players, umpires, clubhouse
attendants, waiters, and store clerks. He is said to have killed a man in a
brawl and once stomped a crippled heckler in the stands. ... Earning
frequent pundit miles over the weekend was Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, who
telepromptered in identical performances about Lee and Reno on Fox News
Sunday , This Week , and Capital Gang . Should Hatch be praised
for staying on point or ridiculed for being a robot? ... 
               This
Week regular George Will turned gangsta rapper Sunday, saying, "Anybody who
comes between me and my Ford Explorer dies." ... 
               Washington Week in
Review reported that Hillary Rodham challenged the legality of recess
appointments in 1982 when she sued the Reagan administration for using one to
replace her on the board of Legal Services Corp. Thanks to Rodham's suit, which
was rejected, recess appointments are considered constitutional. ...
Will busted Jesse Jackson for inconsistently insisting that Bill Lann Lee be
approved by the Senate because he's "qualified," even though Jackson opposed
the confirmation of the similarly "qualified" Robert Bork for the U.S. Supreme
Court. Snared in Will's trap, Jackson could only gibber.

            

               --Jack
Shafer