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K��h!�]�(X�ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage ali wong hi hello welcome thank you thank you for coming hello hello we are gonna have to get this shit over with cause i have to pee in like ten minutes but thank you everybody so much for coming um its a very exciting day for me its been a very exciting year for me i turned  this year yes thank you five people i appreciate that uh i can tell that im getting older because now when i see an  girl my automatic thought is fuck you fuck you i dont even know you but fuck you cause im straight up jealous im jealous first and foremost of their metabolism because  girls they could just eat like shit and then they take a shit and have a sixpack right they got thatthat beautiful inner thigh clearance where they put their feet together and theres that huge gap here with the light of potential just radiating throughand then when they go to sleep they just go to sleep right they dont have insomnia yet they dont know what its like to have to take a ambien or download a meditation oasis podcast to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family just cluttering your mind they have their whole lives ahead of them they dont have hpv yet they just go to sleep in peace at night everybody has hpv ok everybody has it its ok come out already everybody has it if you dont have it yet you go and get it you go and get it its coming you dont have hpv yet youre a fucking loser all right thats what that says about you a lot of men dont know that they have hpv because its undetectable in men its really fucked up hpv is a ghost that lives inside mens bodies and says boo in womens bodies my doctor told me that i have one of two strains of hpv either i have the kind thats gonna turn into cervical cancer or i have the kind where my body will heal itself very helpful this doctor right so basically either im gonna die or youre in the presence of wolverine bitches well find out um i can also tell that im getting older because my kindle is turning into a selfhelp library im not interested in books like fifty shades of grey ok im interested in the lifechanging magic of tidying up yes yes thats right how to declutter my home to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success thats what your  is all about how can i turn this shit around im a horrible person im not happy with where i am how can i turn this shit around help me tony robbins help mei have a hoarding problem which im hoping is the center of all of my other problems im hoping that if the hoarding goes away the hpv will also disappear i have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country and she taught me that you can never throw away anything because you never know when a dictators gonna overtake the country and snatch all your wealth so you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade cause it might come in handy as a shovel when youre busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away from the communiststhe last time i was at home in san francisco i was trying to help her get rid of shit dont ever do that with your mom it was like the worst experience of my life it was so emotional we were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a texas instruments  manual the manual she dont even know where the calculator is those of you under  probably dont know what that calculator is it was this calculator that bamboozled my generation we were all required to buy it when we were in eight grade it cost like  and everybody thought it was like this judy jetsons laptop from the future all because what it could graph it was like the tesla of my time and my mom got so emotional about the manual and she was like you never know when you might need this and i was like but i do know that im gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die and im not trying to be a procrastinator anymore because according to deepakoprah thats not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success i grew up a lot this past year uh this past year i also got married yeah to a man who now has hpv very lucky guy he gave me something i gave him something that will also last forever no really im the lucky girl because before him i dated a lot of losers lots of losers a lot of skaters you wanna be a grownass woman stop dating skaters stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen theyre sexy on the outside malt liquor on the inside horrible but my husband i first met him at this wedding and uh hes– hes much better looking than me hes way out of my league and i saw him and i was like oh my god who is that and the first thing i learned about him was that at the time he was attending harvard business school and i was like oh my god im gonna trap his ass going to trap his ass and i trapped his ass initially by not kissing him until the fifth date which is a very unusual move on my part but i did it on purpose because i knew that he was a catch so i was like all right ali you gotta make this dude believe that your body is a secret garden when really its a public park that has hosted many reggae fests and has even accidentally let two homeless people inside i thought they were hipsters ok that store urban outfitters has made things very confusing for my generation you homeless or you a hipster is that beard for fashion or for warmth it happened to it happened in san francisco when i was living there and i saw this guy in broad daylight and we had like we had we had so much chemistry he was like hey wassup i was like wassup and we– the next thing i knew we were getting busy in the back of my volvo and then after we were done he was like hey can you drop me off i was like where he was like at the park and i dropped him off at golden gate park and watched him run into the middle with all his other homeless friends and i was like oh no i just fucked a homeless dude again my husband is asian which a lot of people are shocked by because usually asianamerican women who like you know wear these kinda glasses and have a lot of opinions they like to date white dudes you go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in america and that shit is turning into a yoko ono factory its too much i dont know whats wrong with these bitches i get it you know because being with a white dude you feel very you feel very picturesque when youre with a white dude you know you feel like youre in a wes anderson movie or something and you know white dudes they teach you about a lot of cool stuff like voting and recycling and disturbing documentaries they introduce you to cool stuff like that and its very you know its hot hookin up with a white dude i mean nothing makes me feel more powerful than when a white dude eats my pussy oh my god i just feel like im absorbing all of that privilege and all of that entitlement you know just right there through the money hole and just and then also hes so vulnerable down there im like i could just crush your head at any moment white man i could just kill you right now crush those brains colonize the colonizer you knowbut i think that for marriage it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race the advantage is that you get to go home and be racist together you get to say whatever you like you dont gotta explain shit my husband halffilipino halfjapanese im halfchinese and halfvietnamese and we spend  percent of our time shitting on korean people its amazing its what love is built on you knowmy last boyfriend was cuban and his family would shit on mexican people all the time and i was like hold it you guys arent mexican asianamerican men are very underrated i dont know why people dont go for them theyre the sexiest asian men are the sexiest they got no body hair from the neck down its like making love to a dolphin oh my god its so smooth just like a slip and slide just black fish tilikum all up in my bed every night you know oohwee you mess with a jewish dude and your body is all fucked up afterwards its all red and inflamed and youre like i did not ask to be exfoliated today this is the last time i go on jdate more like loofah date thanks for the rug burn avi and then asian men no body odor none they just smell like responsibility thats where the umami flavor comes fromi think my husband and i have a huge unspoken understanding uh between each other because hes halffilipino and halfjapanese and im halfchinese and halfvietnamese so were both halffancy asian and halfjungle asian yeah you guys know the difference the fancy asians are the chinese the japanese they get to do fancy things like host olympics jungle asians host diseases its its different but he grew up on the east coast going to private school playing lacrosse uh you know learning latin and playing chess and rugby he grew up like filipino carlton ok so he didnt know anything about vietnamese people until he met me and on one of our first dates he took me to this restaurant on the west side of los angeles called pho show he was like its authentic vietnamese i read about it on yelp i was like its not authentic ok you can tell first and foremost by the name cause it dont got a number in it second of all you can tell by the bathroom if it was legit the bathroom would double as a supply closet when i pee i need to see ten gallons of bleach an atm machine and a grandma with glaucoma napping in the corner and the wait staff here is too nice we need to leave this restaurant deaf and emotionally abused i grew up going to private school too him and i are both total like private school asians we both are big hippies too we like to backpack through southeast asia we like to do yoga we do ayahuasca ceremonies we do silent meditation retreats thats right we pay  to shut up for a weekend we do shit like that uh we eat glutenfree which means we eat all that bread that tastes like freerange chewbacca we eat that lesbian bread thats like a thousand percent of your daily fiber and  percent spoken word poetry when you eat it you queef a shitty poem about supporting caitlyn jenner or whatever and so its funny right because hes asian too but sometimes all of this hippydippy shit we do makes me feel like we are white people doing an impression of asian people like we have these chinese scrolls up on the wall and neither of us know what the fuck they mean were like oh that seems to go very well with our buddha piggy bank from pier  imports that seems to be providing some good feng shui for the house him and i had been dating for four years and i– i just had this sneaking suspicion that he was gonna propose because i had been pressuring him to do it so you know i just had this wacky womens intuition thats how proposals really work ok a woman has to incept the idea into the mans head first passively and then if he doesnt get the message extremely aggressively you gotta threaten to leave without ever actually leaving because you know that youre too old and its too late to go back out there and find a new man and start the whole manipulation cycle all over again so youre like im just gonna stick with this dude focus on trapping this dude and just nag the shit outta him until he becomes weak and caves in and gets fed up and is like shut the fuck up fine will you marry me and then afterwards the woman is always like oh my god he proposed it came outta nowhere and look he got me the exact ring i wanted how did he know maybe he saw it on my pinterest page or something that i sent to my best friend that i told her to send to him every day let me tell you something if a man has a pinterest page hes probably pinterested in men we got engaged on a saturday i bought my wedding dress the following tuesday because i had tried it on in  i was ready i was ripe i was rotten i need to be made into banana bread thats how rotten i was people are always very surprised at how offstage with my husband im a completely different person you– like you would not recognize my personality at all with him with him im very soft and like very nurturing and very domestic weve been together now for five years and for five years ive packed his lunch every single day yeah yes yes yes i did that so that hed become dependent on me cause he graduated from harvard business school and i dont wanna work anymore i dont i straight up dont wanna work anymore i dont feed him out of the goodness of my heart i do it as an investment in my financial future cause i dont wanna work anymore ive been reading that book by sheryl sandberg shes the coo of facebook and she wrote that book that got women all riled up about our careers talking about how we as women should challenge ourselves to sit at the table and rise to the top and her book is called lean in well i dont wanna lean in ok i wanna lie down i want to lie the fuck down i think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women our job used to be no job we had it so good we could have done the smart thing which would have been to continue playing dumb for the next century and be like were dumb women we dont know how to do anything so i guess we better just stay at home all day and eat snacks and watch ellen cause were too stupid to have any real responsibility and then all these women had to show off and be like we could do it we could do anything bitch shut up dont tell them the secret they ruined it for us and now were expected to work when i hear the phrase doubleincome household i wanna throw up a lot of women get very upset with me about those comments and theyre like but ali we have so many more options now oh you dont think we had a lot of options when our day was free unscheduled unsupervised and most importantly sponsored do you know how much shittier food tastes when you know you have to earn ita lot of my friends when we walk around together theyll get very judgmental about housewives that well see on the street and theyll be like look at that fucking housewife not doing anything look at that housewife just walking around all day getting massages in her lululemon pants im like that bitch is a genius shes not a housewife shes retiredi do write for fresh off the boat on abc yeah which is its a great show i love it a lot i love my coworkers its a great writing staff and in terms of day jobs its probably one of the best you could ask for but i still gotta work at a office every day which means i gotta shit in a office every day housewives they dont gotta shit in a office housewives get to shit in their house skin to seat they dont gotta use that horrible toilet paper cover they dont gotta ten times a day every day like youre about to eat a sadass meal they dont gotta do that they dont gotta use that oneply toilet paper that office toilet paper that they purposely make difficult to pull out they try to ration me with their communist toilet paper thats not even effective it basically just dehydrates your butt hole its basically like wiping your butt with the desert i literally spat on my toilet paper two days ago to try to make a macgyver baby wipe to moisten it and then it backfired cause my fingers broke through and digitally stimulated more doo doo to come out and then i had to start all over again and you can never finish wiping at work because you always feel rushed cause youre paranoid that your coworkers gonna recognize your shoes underneath the stall and youre like oh no courtneys listening shes waiting shes timing me and then you hurry hurry hurry and then you never finish wiping and then your butt hole feels caked in doo doo all day long and then if you dare scratch yourself your underwear at the end of the day looks like its been run over by the goonies housewives they dont gotta muffle their shit too they dont gotta worry about the velocity with which their doo doo comes out they dont gotta try to you know squeeze the butt cheeks together to make sure that the doo doo comes out at a slow and steady pace so that no unpredictable noise suddenly escapes and brings you deep deep shame housewives are free to just blow ass into the toilet and let it echo and reverberate to the ends of their hallways while watching as much netflix on their ipad as they want they dont gotta take these boring repressed shits they can listen to podcasts planet money they can do whatever they wantyou know its– its very distracting for me when i hear my coworkers blow ass into the toilet i lose respect for them nothing they say to me anymore holds any sort of credence i heard one of my coworkers blow ass into the toilet the other day this bitch had the nerve to come up to me and say you need to get to work on time i was like you need to eat bananas i saw those green ballet flats i know that shit was you dont try to tell me to get my shit together when i heard you not have your shit together my fatherinlaw had this huge sitdown with me and my husband recently um and he was like hey i wanna talk to you guys about money you guys need to make a lot more money if you wanna provide your children with the same kind of privileged childhood that you guys had i was like why you telling me this shit i should not be a part of this conversation you tell you son that dont your understand that i trapped your son for his earning potential why else would i choose to fuck one person for the rest of my life i chose to marry him on the promise of early retirement and when i said i do what i really meant was oh im done im done i dont wanna work anymore and im not dieting anymore since i got married last year ive been eating fried chicken skin every day since thats right and just fulfilling my destiny which is to turn into a circle with eyelashes like mrs pacman just lets redecoratei gave up a lot of myself when i got married im a– im a disgusting pervert im a pervert im a gross filthy animal and i think its because i started watching porn at a very young age and what happens when you start watching porn at a young age is that yyou get sicker and sicker and sicker the images you crave get sicker and sicker and sicker but its ok because the internet will always catch up to youi broke up with my last boyfriend because he refused to put it in the back i was like uh youre a idiot dude do you realize that if i went on craigslist and posted tiny asian female seeking anal the internet would crash and all the jewish male heads in the universe would simultaneously explode they would explode a lot of women get really you know freaked out about anal and theyre like oh i dont wanna do that im scared of– of the pain you aint scared of the pain women they wax their eyebrows they do all sorts of crazy shit youre not scared of the pain what youre really scared of is doo doo on the dick youre scared that hes gonna see that and thats gonna be all of your shame your inner evil all your secrets and lies sephora cant help you now but dont worry cause when he puts it in the butt all hes thinking about is i just put it in her butt i gotta go call my mom my dad dave my grandma youre– if youre married youre gonna have to do anal eventually ok you have to because you gotta change it up you gotta change it up so that you dont cheat on each other you gotta keep it interesting if you put it in different holes maybe youll feel like youre fucking different people i was very sexually active in my  and as a result im a little bit stretched out down there ok so when i finally did anal i just felt like i got a second chance at life you know i was like oh my god its like im going back in time ♪ a whole new world ♪ it was magical a big fantasy of mine before i got married was to help as many men as possible discover their prostate yeah like a conqueror i just wanted to now if you havent done it before ladies go home and treat yourself do it tonight you only live once yolo just sneak your– just give your man a little– a little pushpush in the tushtush just give him a little atari you know and youll get a lot of resistance from the man at first youll get a lot of no no no no please no really i dont– no i dont i dont no they get all squirmy wormy because theyre scared theyre scared that if you stick your thumb up there and succeed and they like it that then it might mean that theyre gay and i like that fear that shit turns me on you know especially when that fear metamorphosizes into pleasure oh my god and you just see the look in the mans eye like hes discovered nirvana and its like youre the first lady to show him that he had a magical clit in his butt hole and then you as the woman in his eyes just become the lord of the rim you know my husband is unfortunately just not as freaky as me when– when ive asked him to spank me this is what he does hey hey are you ok are you all right you know i respect you right im like yes i know you respect me and thats why you need to abuse me ok cause its the most strongheaded loudmouthed women who like to be abused the most in bed women who are ceos they just wanna be roughed around they just want their– glasses always means the woman wants some– its because were so in control all the time that we just wanna experience some risk and be out of control you know like i dont wanna die dont kill me i dont wanna die but i also dont want to be sure that im gonna live you know i just wanna be out of control for once just– just choke me enough so that i cant talk cause if i can talk im gonna tell you what to do and im tired of being the boss im the boss all the time so in the bedroom you be the boss yes because im the real boss and i told you so motherfucker so do it sheryl sandberg that woman who wrote lean in has had such a big impact that now because of her there is a ban on the word bossy in elementary schools because according to her its sexist to use the word bossy because boys are never called bossy so now instead of saying youre bossy youre supposed to say you have executive leadership skills which is a very roundabout way of saying youre a little cunt im just waiting for the right moment to like become a housewife financially you know i want my husband to get us to like a certain point financially i wanna get to the point as a couple where i can comfortably afford sliced mango know what im talking about im talking about that whole foods mango that  whole foods mango that was sliced by white people thats the kind of income bracket im striving for thats when you know youve made it when youre eating mango that was sliced by a dude named noah i want noah mango rebecca kiwi danielle pineapple you know what else i want i wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk see a quarter and just keep on walking like a princess i have some useful advice for all my asianamerican brothers and sisters yeah never go paintballing with a vietnam veteran so i dont know if you guys can tell but i am seven and a half months pregnant yeah its very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform pregnant because female comics dont get pregnant just try to think of one i dare you theres– none of them once they do get pregnant they generally disappear thats not the case with male comics once they have a baby theyll get up on stage a week afterwards and theyll be like guys i just had this fucking baby that babys a little piece of shit its so annoying and boring and all these other shitty dads in the audience are like thats hilarious i identify and their fame just swells because they become this relatable family funny man all of a sudden meanwhile the mom is at home chapping her nipples feeding the fucking baby and wearing a frozen diaper cause her pussy needs to heal from the babys head shredding it up shes busy so i dont know whats gonna happen to me you know a lot of my female standup comic friends who are a lot more successful and famous than me discouraged me from having a kid and they were like ali why are you gonna have a kid you just gonna become– youre gonna disappear and youre gonna become some lame stayathome mom i was like yeah thats the dream thats the point this is the ultimate trap i won you knowanother thing a lot of my friends said to me when they were discouraging me from having a kid they were like why are you gonna have a kid why dont you just travel the world with your husband and just do whatever you want for the rest of your lives with no kid attached i was like yeah thats cool until my husband dies which hes definitely gonna before me because im a asian woman and therefore guaranteed to live until im a billion im guaranteed like a turtle from the galapagos ok we all know the phrase black dont crack well asian dont die we dont die especially the women we live forever and you know why were such bad drivers because were trying to die were like yeah let me see how invincible i really am imma make this left hand turn signal and ignore this red light completely im gonna make a right turn– i changed my mind its a uturn i changed my mind again its a oturn every time i get into a car accident im like oh my god not again i need to hide my face so that everybody doesnt see that its what everybody thought it was gonna be so embarrassing my toyota corolla is a mess theres this huge bear claw scratch on the side from this aggressive brick wall that came out of nowhere and then on the hood theres multiple hand prints from pedestrians who have had to alert me of their existence i dont know whats wrong with me but im still here you know i need to have children to keep me company when i get older its lonely my mom is  going through a full blown midlife crisis cause she knows that shes got a century more to go and she is so lonely all of her white friends dead her mexican friends dead black friends dead im just kidding she doesnt have any black friends life is not rush hour the movie ok i need children to be there for me when im older when i get as old as her and when i say be there for me i mean pay for me when my husband isnt around to support me anymore im not trying to be one of those old chinese ladies who recycles for a living thats not my destiny ok old chinese ladies they dont give a fuck they got no shame theyre like im just gonna recycle go bald go to the park do this shit they do that cause its a free activity for them they do it in their– their bigass v stiviano visor their darth vadertomb raider boba fett helmet they wear that to protect themselves from their archnemesis the sun their in a contest to see whos gonna burn out first old asian ladies and the sun are like the tupac and biggie of longevity i also decided to have a kid because uh im only  which i know is not technically highrisk but my body was starting to show signs of change and it– and it scared me like im only  and my pussy is not as wet as it used to be its very demoralizing ok do you remember when you were  years old and your pussy was just sopping wet all the time all the time you just took it for granted that you could just reach your hand down your pants at any given moment you throw up the peace sign afterwards and there would be that snailtrail in between your fingers oh my god it was so juicy you could just blow a bubble wand with it just i slime you i slime you ghostbusters i dont know what kind of mother im gonna be im– im  and i did have to get a little bit of science involved when trying to get pregnant and a lot of that is most likely my fault because when i was in my  i ate plan b like skittles so my uterus probably looked like a smokers lung and i found out that my progesterone levels were alarmingly low so then i had to take these hormone pills that were suppositories and push pop them up myself every single night and then at my writing job at fresh off the boat i would be storyboarding in front of my coworkers and then at some point the pill would inevitably dissolve and melt into my underwear and i had to act like everything was ok when everything was clearly not ok and then a side effect of the progesterone was that it made me extremely itchy so then i had to find ways to discretely scratch myself underneath the conference table and then resist the urge to immediately smell my fingers afterwards i want to be able to smell my fingers when i wanna smell my own goddamn fingers housewives they can just scratch and sniff all day long they just vacuum scratch sniff they make a sandwich uh mmm they watch property brothers scratch whats crackin mmm every time you scratch yourself all you can think about is when can i smell my fingers when can i smell my fingers when can i discretely find a way to smell my fingers nature made you urgently curious to protect you cause you gotta check that its all good in the hood if its too funky you need to see a doctor your fingers are your first webmd when my husband and i were trying to have a kid a lot of people were like oh my god thats so hot you guys doin a lot of fuckin no dude thats– thats shit you do in your  ok when in– when youre in your  and youve been trying to get pregnant for a while it gets very clinical you pee on these ovulation strips that tell you when the eggs are droppin it tells you when its easter time and i would only fuck him when it was easter time it was like only four days out of the month and outside of that i would be like were not fuckin i need you to save it i want your sperm to be as pentup and as angry and rapey as possible so that when they come out its like release the kraken and they just come out like a bunch of angry refugees escaping a dictatorship you know and um yeah and most of the time like we wouldnt even have sex cause i was so tired when i would come home and see the smiley face on the ovulation strip and id be like ok its go time and i would just give my husband a hand job most of the time and he would close his eyes immediately i know what that means ok when somebody closes their eyes during sex its not because theyre in such ecstasy with you that– that they need to close their eyes when somebody closes their eyes during sex its because theyre literally trying to shut the image of your face out of their head and instead project two latina lesbians that they saw earlier that day on redtube onto the back of their eyelids which is fine by me because then he doesnt have to see the expression on my face that says please hurry the fuck up and then when he was about to finish i could always tell because the indication is very universal when a man is about to finish its when they get that that stupidass look on their face where they look like they just got bit by a zombie just and then because were hippies id be like hey hey please look me in the eye and remember to come with intention ok and then i would jump on him and hold onto his neck and i would just twerk twerk twerk the shit out of him and do some of this shit that i learned in atlanta and then i would turn upside down immediately afterwards to make sure all of that harvard nectar would just drain inside of me thats right cause i dont wanna work anymore im very grateful to be pregnant and to be this far along to be seven and a half months pregnant because last year i had a miscarriage which is very common and a lot of women who are in their  flip out when they hear that theyre like oh my god thats so dark and terrible i cant believe that im  girl when youre  youll know plenty of women who have had a miscarriage its super common and i wish more women would talk about it so they wouldnt feel so bad when they go through it when i told my mom– shes from a third world country and when i told her i had one she was like uh yeah where im from thats like losing a pair of shoes its whatevs ok and everything happens for a reason i found out at my sixweek sonogram which is very early and the doctor says to me oh my god i see two sacks which means youre having twins and i was like no and then she said but what i dont see is a heartbeat and i was like yes the lord is mysterious dont feel bad ok they were the size of poppy seeds ive picked boogers larger than the twins that i lost and most women wont let their husbands watch when theyre going through a miscarriage i sat my husband down in front of me while i sat on the toilet and i was like you look you watch the whole thing and he felt so bad for me and i used it as leverage and held that shit over his head for a month and got him to do whatever the fuck i wanted him to do for  days he took me to see beyoncé he bought me a bike off of craigslist thats my miscarriage bike and i love it very much for  days i finally had the marriage i always wanted im scared about giving childbirth though im– im very very scared of childbirth thats why im going to hire a doula you know what that is you know what a doula is thats a white hippie witch that blows quinoa into your pussy to keyser söze all the pain away a lot of women tried to freak me out they tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying ali did you know that youre gonna poop on the table i was like yeah i look forward to it im all backed up from holding in my shit at work i cant wait to cleanse it makes sense like that you– that that happens because when youre in labor you push you push you push and your husband will be asked to assist in the labor by lifting up your leg which subsequently turns into a soft serve lever you just shit on the floor in front of the love of your life and just when you think thats enough to make him finally leave you boom a baby comes out and he gotta stay thats the real miracle of life right there i can already see how a child can really take its toll on a marriage because the baby hasnt even come out yet and i am already so resentful towards my husband so much resentment especially when he asks me to do shit around the house hey can you wash the dishes no can you water the plants i am not doing jack shit anymore im busy makin a eyeball ok are you makin a foot i didnt think so you change the channel i can already see how theres like this crazy double standard in our society of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad and it also takes so little to be considered a shitty mom people praise my husband for coming to all of my doctors appointments with me oh my god i cant believe he comes to all your doctors appointments he is so supportive guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments me im the star of the show theres nothing for the camera to see if im not there but hes the hero for playing candy crush while i get my blood drawn meanwhile if i do mushrooms seven months pregnant im a bad mommy you know i– i– i like i berate my husband on like a daily basis partially because i really am mad at him but mostly out of survival because if he leaves me im fucked so i have to chip away at his selfesteem on a daily basis to keep him down so that he doesnt believe that hes worthy of another womans affection and leaves me i gotta keep him around by keeping him down people dont tell you about all this shit that goes down with your body when you get pregnant you know your nipples get huge and dark i didnt know that i didnt know that they get dark so that the baby can see like a bullseye so that the baby can find it easier and then you know they get big– they get big like fingers like you you you owe me money you my nipples look like whoppers now and naked i look like a minion but im not gonna be one of those crazy pregnant ladies who tries to get all back in shape right after they get pregnant no hopefully if you see me in a year i will have the kind of body where if i do a nude scene on television people will commend me for being courageous for doing it now that im seven and a half months pregnant my pussys all wet again but its different its not like when i was  years old when it was like really hot you know and i was like why is it different and i looked it up and my pussys all wet again because my– my bodys secreting mucus to protect the baby from bacteria attacking it thats not the same when its straight up soldier glue when its neosporin so you know i– i in– previously before i met my husband i had dated a bunch of losers and then i meet this dream guy whos like way more handsome than me out of my league graduated from harvard business school worked hard to trap his ass got him to propose to me oh my god then we got married all my dreams coming true and then we got pregnant and recently we bought our first home together and uh two weeks into the escrow process i discovered that my beautiful harvardeducated husband was  in debt and me with my hardearned tv money paid it all off so as it turns out hes the one who trapped me how did he do it how did he bamboozle me oh maybe because he went to harvard business school the epicenter of whitecollar crime he enrond my ass and now if i dont work we die why else do you think im performing seven and a half months pregnant all right ive been ali wong have a good night everybody thank you�Xvthank you thank you thank you san francisco thank you so much so good to be here people were surprised when i told em i was gonna tape my special in san francisco said why would you do that thats the most politically correct city in the world not when im on stage its not i love this place one of my favorite cities to perform in its a good place to hang out got to walk around a little bit today saw a baby saw a baby locked inside the back of a hot car so its been a great day love that dont get me wrong im not a monster i tried to help the baby tried to throw a rock through the window window was down ruined that babys whole weekend it was worth it i love san francisco one of my favorite things is how beautiful all the women are here yeah women in san francisco are gorgeous i say that despite whats going on in this crowd tonight but you guys live here you guys live here youve seen em i was in a bar last night saw this beautiful woman like a supermodel i walked up i was like hey where you from what do you do she goes oh me i live here in san francisco im a brain surgeon i dont know if this makes me sexist but i was really impressed you know i mean most women cant pull off sarcasm this is gonna be a good show see that joke that joke is a test to see if you guys are cool or not that thing about the baby in the car thats just me clearing my throat that jokes the test if you guys laugh at that joke whole show goes great you dont laugh at that joke whole show goes bad and ive had shows go very very bad doesnt matter to me at all now this next joke this next joke is a test to see how cool you are i uh i used to have a son already some of you see where this is going thats good thats good i used to have a little twoyearold son but he died the same way eric claptons son died for inspiration im not gonna lie this is the best that joke has ever done you guys kinda laughed then started talking to each other for some reason then started clapping that is amazing most people just boo me but if you didnt understand the joke dont worry its a complicated joke a lot of things you gotta know that joke is like an onion youve gotta know who eric clapton is not a given these days youve gotta know about his kid you gotta know how clumsy that little lad was you gotta know about that terrible fucking song and then you gotta think all thats funny now i gotta get to know you guys a little bit starting with you for sure i can tell youre a big comedy fan and batshit insane did you just come from the fucking dentist or what what is your name – peggy jo – peggy peggy what do you try to do not a lot im disabled youre disabled i know youre disabled is this your husband with you okay sir what do you do so i can move the fuck on – im an electrician – youre an electrician great thats an honorable job thats a good job to have im sure you shock the shit out of her on a daily basis electrician its a wonderful job theres a lot of bad jobs out there ill tell you that right now lot of bad jobs hell my uncle john runs a summer camp for kids about to get molested i know right i know it sounds awful sounds awful but he loves it hes like says hes never worked a day in his life doesnt pay much but the benefits do you guys have any kids how many i have one and he has two okay you guys ever done that thing where you go online and see how many sex offenders live around you isnt it crazy isnt it way more than youd think you think it might be like one or two no its like chicken pox i went online  child molesters fifteen child molesters within five miles of my apartment so why do we always have to meet at my place and if youre wondering anthony this is great but are all of these jokes gonna be about hurting children i dont know probably seems like something i would do i of course live in los angeles ive got a nice place obviously my brothers been staying with me which has been awful my brother is crazy even my neighbors hate him the other day i opened the door i caught him masturbating he looks me right in the eyes and goes shut the door i said get inside my family loves it when i put them in jokes they love it anthony please put me in your next joke are you sure im gonna make you a pedophile we dont care we wanna be part of this thing youve got going on so i wrote that joke put my brother in im in chicago where he lives after the show he comes backstage and i say mikey whatd you think about that new joke did you like the shout out and he gets all uncomfortable he goes well crowd seemed to think it was funny but i think its kinda weird that you got a joke where you wanna fuck me and i said what mikey no no mikey youre my brother thats a joke about you masturbating in front of my house and he goes yeah and then youre like get back inside just in case you guys are wondering whether my brothers a fuckin idiot yeah ive got a nice place try to keep it nice not always successful like i tried getting a puppy disaster had to get rid of that puppy had to get rid of that puppy almost immediately the first time i left it home alone the first time i left that puppy home alone that damn thing tore my entire place apart shit everywhere and starved to death why are you mad im the one who couldnt get his money back and this is traditionally where crowds really start to turn on me after i kill a puppy with neglect and its okay its okay you can get mad at me you can hate me you can hate me and still laugh at me thats how talented i am and im used to it im used to it i once dated a girl who punched me in the face as hard as she could once dated a girl punched me right in the face as hard as she could i didnt do anything about it i didnt say anything about it i just turned around and left the room but in my head in my head all i was thinking was now were even she was so mad she got mad at me she got mad at me cause i killed all of her plants killed every single one of her house plants and she had told me she said anthony im going out of town for two weeks give each one of these half a cup of water every other day but im a dude all i heard was two weeks and cheat on me like my neighbors in la my neighbors in la have got this smokin hot  daughter i mean shes perfect but she just got a tattoo of a butterfly over her chest which is horrible doesnt she understand how dumb thats gonna look some day all stretched out over my lamp yeah thats a joke thats a joke where im a serial killer im very open about it dont you dare tighten up on me i hate sensitivity i hate it even when little kids get sensitive that makes me mad i got a sixyearold nephew i asked what he wants for his birthday he said uncle anthony i want you to get me a barbie doll i said fuck you you sixyearold piece of shit and dont get me wrong dont get me wrong i dont care if he plays with dolls he can wear dresses if he wants to but im not getting him a barbie doll you see barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations of how easy its gonna be to tear off a head i wont do it i get really mad when people get sensitive about comedy if youre sensitive about comedy its the dumbest thing you can do i call them the joke police they always have one rule one rule they have you cant make fun of this right now after a couple years they move on to something else which is why its so hypocritical like the thing today the thing right now you cant make fun of the thing thats too sensitive at this moment transgendered people see you cant do it cant make fun of them its too sensitive in fact you cant even call them chicks with dicks anymore no no you have to call them men who talk too much right but i hear this all the time peoplell be like anthony that was really funny but man women must hate you women must come to your shows and hate the shit out of you and i always say no no stupid women hate my shows stupid women hate my shows smart women dont come to my shows speaking of which whats your name – what kim – kim – kim where you from – san jose san jose okay what do you do kim um im a branch manager – like for a bank for a pizza hut – no for what what the fuck whered you go to school – uc santa cruz – whatd you study – economics – economics okay you ever gonna use that someday i had to go to catholic school when i was a kid hated catholic school hated catholic school more than anything the nuns were vicious they would hit me with a ruler slap me in the face anything to defend themselves you guys loved the shit out of that one huh hated school when i was in the fifth grade one of my classmates got cancer came down with the cancer which was sad but the story is actually cool and inspiring every single guy every single guy in the school we all shaved our heads to make fun of him yeah no it was great it was great we did it for like a month we would have kept doin it but you know you know how cancer gets you guys ever you guys ever trace back your family history go back a couple generations in your family tree find out embarrassing shit you wish you didnt know i traced my family tree back found that i actually had family fighting on both sides in world war ii humiliating the pieceofshit side of my family fought for the nazi infantry in germany while the badass jeselniks were here in america spying for the germans i assume everyone is drinking tonight – yeah – yeah whoo thats good i love to drink love it do it all the time every day always have i dont know where it comes from either even my parents tell me when i was just a little baby i used to climb out of my crib every morning and then crawl over to the liquor cabinet to try to spend time with them i like san francisco so liberal so liberal clap your hands here clap your hands if you own a gun san jose is in the house huh not too bad i once asked the crowd in houston that question they just started firing guns in the air didnt even let me finish the question i dont own a gun im against guns to be honest when i was a kid when i was a kid my parents had a gun my parents said we had to have a gun gotta have a gun to protect the five children gotta have a gun to protect our five children of course they eventually got rid of it to protect their four children im not gonna lie it was fun while it lasted i was getting pretty good towards the end man my parents were strict mom and dad were strict my mom and dad once made me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes an entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting just to teach me an important lesson about brand loyalty i learned a lot from my parents especially my dad like ill never forget the first time i ever got a bad report card in school first time i got a bad report card i brought it home i gave it to my dad and my dad beat me beat the hell out of me but i learned something because the next time i got a bad report card in school i brought it home and i gave it to my mom let her take the hit yeahmy dad was a hardass one of those guys who believed that men just learn by doing things you know you dont take classes you dont read the instructions you just do it and figure it out like when i was a kid i never got to take swimming lessons no my dad would pick me up and throw me in the water to teach himself cpras a kid my dads prized possession my dads favorite thing in the world growing up my dad was the proud owner of a mickey mantle rookie card mickey mantle rookie baseball card mint condition kept it between two little pieces of plastic but i was a kid i didnt know any better one day i took that card to school and i traded it to a classmate for a candy bar you know what that card is worth today my relationship with my fatheri mean it my dad was no joke my dad did not fuck around my dad did not trust anybody my dad did not trust anyone in fact he had a saying but he wouldnt tell me what too clever for you that joke is fuckin amazing last year was a sad year for my family last year my mom shouldve been celebrating her  birthday but because of drugs alcohol and other terrible decisions we all forgot it was sadwhen i was a kid i used to fantasize about getting older growing up and having money and buying my mom nice things for her birthday when i was a kid we were poor so poor i remember just so i could go to my senior prom just so i could go to my senior prom i had to sell my us passport on the street sold my passport on the street for  bucks to get to go to my prom of course this was before  so my bad everybody weird joke to clap for but sure my mom actually shouldve been on one of the planes that crashed on  i thinki mean dont get me wrong i loved my mother she was my mom of course i loved her we fought a lot my mom could be very racist very racist and i do not tolerate racism thats ignorance and i hate that when i was a kid like nine years old id come home after school once in a while id bring a friend over to play with me at my house once in a while id bring a black friend over and when i did that my mom would act weird shed pull me aside and say anthony whos your new friend is he a drug dealer and i would say shut up mom thats racist put your money away i never get to see my family anymore really most of them are in jail to be honest and we never talk write letters or any of that shit cause theyre all in jail for the exact same thing my testimony you – whats your name – melissa – melissa where you from – santa clara – what do you do – i win things on the radio – you win things on the radio – yeah followup question howd you get tickets to this let me ask you this you ever uh you ever find a body in the woods ever do that no its okay i have i was walking through the woods one day and some poor bastard had stepped in a bear trap or something i never told anybody about it but i went back there a week later and he was dead yeah i do crazy shit like that all the time what can i say im wacky the other night i was driving my car i was driving my car and i ran over a deer a dear dear friend im torn constantly at night i do shows but during the day ive got a hobby during the day i go from town to town and i shut down the local abortion clinic you heard me i shut down abortion clinics everywhere i go its easy for me im charming i stand outside the front doors all day long and consistently underbid them you guys mad about that one its gonna get so much fuckin worse gotta talk to one more person you sir whats your name – allan – allan where you from – frisco – frisco i can tell youre a local cause of how cool you are what do you do frisco – i fight fires i fight fires – you what youre a firefighter awesome what do you wanna do if you could do anything if you could do any job in the world what would your dream job be – travel the world – travel the world its good to have a dream i hope you go for it it doesnt sound like youre even gonna get close i think you should do it travel the world do iteveryone should try to live their dream thats my point everyone i get to live my dream i mean not when im in san francisco but for the most part being a comedian was my dream cause no one can tell me what to do thats all i cared about most people dont ever try to live their dream lot of people try and they fail which i think is better more noble more respectablei had an uncle all he ever dreamed about cared about talked about wanted to become an astronaut fly into space one day and he went for it he went for it and he failed he blew it ended up becoming one of those pussies on the space shuttle challenger you guys remember that right i think its funny i think its funny how the things that happen to us when were kids end up staying with us for our entire lives i got this little niece when she was three years old she almost drowned and now to this day even ten years later she still will not go anywhere near me yeah i was babysitting her and trying to do laundry and she accidentally fell into the washing machine thought i was quick i got good reflexes i thought i got her out before anyone would find out what happened but nope turned everything pink youre gonna find out a lot about yourselves on this next one hey did you guys know did you guys know that when a newborn baby when a newborn baby is first born when its fresh out of the womb it can actually hear and see everything around it for up to ten seconds after its decapitated yeah yeah i never know what to say i never know what to say to someone after theyve lost a baby what do you say to someone after theyve lost a baby oh im sorry for your loss doesnt cut it are you gonna be okay not even close thats why i just keep my mouth shut let my lawyer do the talking im not good with kids thats my point thats what this whole things about im not good with kids not gonna lie hell a couple of months ago i dropped my cousins baby flatout dropped my cousins baby on the ground but i dont feel like that was my fault i dont feel responsible for that one you know who in their right mind who the hell in their right mind would ever ask me anthony jeselnik to be a pallbearer its okay people hate people hate dead baby jokes they hate them they hate them its like anthony why do you have to tell dead baby jokes why do you have so many dead baby jokes no one likes them why do you insist well ill tell you why because dead baby jokes have made me rich and who was it who was it who said the first million is the hardest was it hitler didnt see that one coming did you that was a good response most audiences just pretend i didnt say it but i like it i like making hitler jokes its cool for me i enjoy it hell i lost my grandfather i lost my grandfather in the holocaust museum it was the holocaust museum of modern art which is just like a normal holocaust museum except you walk around all day being like oh i should have thought of that my grandmother died about a year ago and i didnt think anything could ever be worse than when my grandmother passed away but i was wrong it was fine the hard part the upsetting part was that we thought she died in the way that she wanted she wanted to die in the best way possible like uh you radio winner whats the best way you can die this is not a trick question – in your sleep – yes thank you thank you everybody wants to die peacefully in their sleep not me i want to be alert awake surrounded by friends in a house fire but my grandmother wanted to go peacefully in her sleep we thought thats how she went we were all excited for her but then we did an autopsy found out she actually died horribly in the worst way possible during an autopsy it was fucked up yeah yeah she always said her grandkids didnt pay enough attention to her and and she was right she was dead on but i loved my grandma loved her very much my grandma taught me about a lot taught me what religion is taught me everything you can know about religion in one quick story ill tell you now when i graduated from high school when i graduated my grandma came to me gave me a big hug said anthony im so proud of you youre my first grandchild to get to go to college what can i do for you what can i give you before you go to college and i said honestly grandma all i need from you is money yeah i know you guys have never been but college is expensive and my grandma said okay anthony i understand couple months go by its the end of summer im packing up my dads car getting ready to go to school and my grandma walks up says anthony here before you leave take this and she handed me a brandnew bible king james version and i said thanks grandma thats exactly what we talked about i got in the car and i went off to school couple of weeks go by im hanging out in my dorm room having a good time when the phone rings its my grandma anthony just calling to see how college is going grandma college is the best im having the time of my life but to be honest im starting to run low on money and i could use a little bit like we talked about she said okay well let me ask you this have you been reading your bible and i said totally grandma im on chapter four she said okay anthony i guess ill talk to you later hung up the phone couple of months go by now im really starting to struggle financially might have to drop out of school so i call my grandma in a panic i say please its anthony im having the time of my life in college but if i wanna graduate and i do i need you to send me some money like we talked about she said anthony let me ask you this have you been reading your bible and i said yes grandma i wish it was longer and she said okay anthony i guess ill talk to you later finally its the end of the school year ive got straight as but im dropping out of college cause i have no more money left and im furious close to tears cleaning out my dorm room when the phone rings its my grandma anthony i heard youre dropping out of school today how come and i said you know goddamn well how come grandma cause you wouldnt give me any money she said anthony let me ask you this did you read your bible and i just hung up the phone i was so pissed off took everything out of that room last thing i took off the shelf the last thing i took out of that room was that bible my grandma had given me took it off the shelf held it in my hands and for the first time i actually opened it up and on the very first page in my grandmothers handwriting it said fuck you thank you everyone i hope you enjoyed the jokes i prepared for you tonight and all the jokes i write theyre all made up theyre all fake except for eric clapton and the challenger everything else everything else is fake but everything im about to tell you from here until the end of the show thats all true now i dont tell dark jokes because im a comedian im a comedian because i tell dark jokes im kind of fucked up all right ive always been this way i cant really help myself it gets me into trouble a lot i lose friends its ruined relationships with people in my family for instance my grandmother actually did pass away about six months ago i did love her very much she was a big fan of mine and i was asked to speak at her funeral which was a horrible mistake horrible mistake no one should ever ask me to speak at anyones funeral i asked a friend for advice was like ive never talked to a group of people without getting paid a lot of money how should i handle this anthony just go up there and tell a story find one moment about you and your grandma you can share with everybody and dont tell a joke try not to so i walked up and was like you know what my favorite memory was when i was like four years old before i learned to read grandma would curl up with me on the couch she had this southern accent and she would read to me she would read mark twain to me and i loved it like mark twain out of my grandmas mouth it would just come to life and then i couldnt help myself i said and i know my grandma loved it too because it combined her two favorite things spending time with her grandchildren and using the n word now i promise you i promise you until youve heard your grandfather gasp at his own wifes funeral at a methodist church in vicksburg mississippi you are not a real comedian i am a real comedian i am a pure comedian i think im one of the best comedians of all time but heres the thing it doesnt matter if you believe me it really doesnt matter the important thing is that i would pass a lie detector test i like to test myself i like to test myself by joking about horrible things and nothing but one of my favorite ways to test myself i like to joke about tragedies the day that they happen the day they happen i dont believe in too soon im on a tight schedule and im good at it im good at it like the day of the day of the aurora colorado batman movie theater shooting the day it happened i went online i went on twitter and i tweeted other than that how was the movie right right nailed it nailed it and the reason i get away with that the reason i get away with stuff like that is im just the guy who does it people are used to it from me it would be weird if i didnt make a joke the day of a tragedy which is why i was very surprised when i got in a lot of trouble the day of the boston marathon now i dont follow the news regularly but i know the second a tragedy happens because i get  text messages saying dont do it and whenever i see that whenever i see that it makes me sad it makes me sad cause i know something horrible has happened people will say anthony whats funny about aurora whats funny about the boston marathon whats funny about your grandmothers funeral nothing nothing is funny about those things thats where i come in so i see these texts and im like oh no what happened but i also think ive got a job to do so i go online i start reading about it i dont want to watch the footage but ill read about what happened and i think how can i make someone laugh today and then i think i got it i go back on twitter and i tweet guys today there are just some lines that should not be crossed especially the finish line and again i think nailed it usa usa but then my phone starts to ring and its my boss or should i say my former boss and they say anthony this is unacceptable you are not just a comedian today youre also the host of your own tv show with your name in the title on our network you take this joke down right now or youre fired and i say go fuck yourselves and i meant it i didnt get into comedy for money or fame i know that sounds wrong because im dripping with both i only got into this business so that no one could tell me what to do and they said sure they said well anthony you dont understand you dont understand at all if you dont take this joke down right now if you dont delete this joke right now not only are you fired but the entire cast and crew of your television show about a hundred people theyre also out of a job and im ashamed to tell you this im embarrassed to admit it but in that moment i folded and i deleted the joke cause im happy to fight for what i believe in im happy to take the consequences for what ive done but what i could not do cannot do is walk up to my cameraman and say hey buddy no work for you on monday i had this sweet tweet couldnt do it but as soon as i hit delete i got mad and i regretted it i would fire every single one of those fucking assholes now ill tell ya that and i got mad for betraying myself and everything i believe in im just as mad today as i was then just as mad so mad i had to have a meeting with the network where they called me in for a little lecture theyre like anthony were family why are you so upset cant you see we did you a favor dont you worry about your career let me ask you san francisco do i seem like i worry about my career no you know why people who win the lottery always end up going bankrupt because if theyre worried about their money they wouldnt have played the lottery in the first fuckin place i do not worry about my career and they said anthony the problem is when you make a joke on twitter the day of a tragedy it seems like youre making fun of the victims and thats wrong but thats not what im doing because you see the day of a tragedy victims are not on twitter am i wrong tell me im wrong the day of a tragedy victims have got victim shit to do no one is ever no one is ever putting on a tourniquet asking hey are we trending no this is who im making fun of when i make a joke on twitter the day of a tragedy the people who see something horrible happen in the world and they run to the internet and they run to their social media facebook twitter whatever they got and they all write down the exact same thing my thoughts and prayers my thoughts and prayers with the people in aurora my thoughts and prayers with the families in boston do you know what thats worth fucking nothing fucking less than nothing less than nothing you are not giving any of your time your money or even your compassion all you are doing all you are doing is saying dont forget about me today dont forget about me lots of crazy distractions in the news but dont forget how sads i am those people are worthless and they deserve to be made fun of theyre like a wedding photographer who only takes selfies you understand now im sure everyone here has told a joke before where nobody laughed at it its fine its embarrassing but its fun you can laugh at yourself its not a reason to stop telling jokes maybe some of you have told a joke before where someone got mad at you for it trust me thats fun too you guys ever tell a joke and then get death threats well i guess thats what makes me me on my television show i once did a segment that aired once and only once before it was banned called shark party all right now some of you enjoyed it but if youve never seen shark party you can never see shark party its been wiped off the face of the earth by the powers that be so i will explain it to you i love sharks i love sharks more than anything people people i can barely fucking tolerate every single year  million sharks are killed by human beings every year   people killed by sharks so when i hear about a shark attack im like fuck yeah win one for the home team so as soon as i get this show where i can do what i want i say you know what i want to have a shark party as soon as theres a shark attack were having a shark party and i get lucky about a month into my run this guy from new zealand gets eaten by a great white the champagne of sharks and i know exactly what to do ive already got the script written i walk on stage in front of the cameras i say ladies and gentlemen this guy from new zealand has been eaten by a great white shark its time for a shark party lights go down music comes up six women wearing shark dresses come out on either side of me and we all start dancing for way too long a stripper wearing a giant shark head runs out and gives me a lap dance very tasteful and then i stand up and we show a giant picture of the guy who got eaten which in retrospect is where it all went wrong but i get to say my favorite thing ive ever said on television smile you son of a bitch shark party and in america where im famous for those types of shenanigans everybody was like anthony that was fucked up it was fucked up to see you dance end of controversy however in new zealand where they dont get my show theyve never seen me and frankly they dont get out much the new zealand media takes the video and they show it to the guys family and they say what do you guys think about this and they say crikey or whatever the fuck they say over there the point is all of new zealand all of new zealand rises up against me all  of those cunts rise up and start threatening my life now i dont read the things that people write about me on the internet but i pay people who do and they come to me and theyre like weve got some terrible news please sit down they say you are getting a lot of death threats online from new zealand because of shark party and i was like really new zealand wants to kill me thats weird because they didnt even kill the shark i said how many death threats am i getting and they were like oh all of them you are getting all of the death threats what do you want us to do we can send someone to talk to them extra security what do you want i said no forget about it leave it alone dont worry this might be hard for some to understand ive said it several times tonight everyone is going to die i know full well i am going to die and most of us dont get to choose how we check out but if i die because someone murders me over one of my jokes best case scenario if somebody murders me over one of my jokes i immediately become a legend im a comedy god the mount rushmore of comedy is me four times i said come on then my security guys are like okay anthony well just so you know that is the dumbest thing weve ever heard but youre the boss okay and they leave and then the next day they come back and they say anthony sorry to bother you again i know you didnt care yesterday but its gotten much worse youre gonna wanna hear this they say someone from new zealand tracked down your mom and dads phone number and address in pittsburgh posted that online and now your entire family is getting death threats from new zealand and i have to admit that had never occurred to me before it never crossed my mind that my family my loved ones would ever pay the price be caught in harms way for something ive done or ive joked about and honestly i would cut my throat for my jokes i would give my life for what i do but if anyone and i mean this for a fact if anyone ever hurt my family or killed someone i cared about because of a joke ive made even better��bk
X]� all right thank you thank you very much thank you thank you thank you how are you whats going on thank you its a pleasure to be here in the greater atlanta georgia area this oasis its nice to be here i dont know why i came here in june its nice to be here wasnt thinking fucking ridiculously hot out there just miserable horrible that kind of heat you understand the racism down here ya know i get it how would you get along with anybody look at em just over there drinkin a cold drink lemonade was made for the white man so what the hell have i been doing with my life trying to get in shape man but i hate going to the gym so i decided id go veggie twice a week its brutal i can only make it till about  five oclock thats what i realized about myself you know that something has to die every day in order for me to live somethings got to get its beak chopped off its feathers yanked uppercut to its jaw just in order for me to survive im trying couscous and all that shit its awful i saw this thing though they said if everybody went vegan if everybody went vegan or vegetarian whatever the hell they said one of those v ones right they said itll be great for the environment you know i guess theres all this cattle standing around and when they fart the gas goes up in the atmosphere and causes something right theyre always doing that shit you know if everybody went vegan the air would be– if everybody drove an electric car if everybody just had some snowshoes on right they just wont come out and say it nobody has the balls to come out and just say look  of you have to go – thats it that is it –  i have been bitching about the population problem for three specials in a row waiting for some politician to have the balls to bring it up but they wont do it they wont do it we live in a democracy right cant be honest in a democracy you need the votes you cant run with that as your platform coming out there and if elected i would implement a program to immediately eliminate at least  of you this planet cannot sustain the sheer numbers– let me finish this will not be arbitrary under your seats is a multiple choice questionnaire if you did not bring a pencil youre already out you cant do that you got to be nice you got to be fuckin nice especially this day and age everybody getting in trouble all these goddamn groups out there bitch moaning and complaining anytime anybody says anything were part of a group eh you gotta apologize im sorry to people who own shar peis i didnt mean to say that its an uglyass dog nah right fuck you and your group what about that what do you got two million people in your group theres  million in this country nobody gives a shit right who the fuck joins a group im gonna join a group thats what im gonna do today go to meetings what kind of a fucking loser right thats the same way i look at people who got upset about you know michael sam the gay football player kissing his boyfriend when he got drafted everybody bitch moaning and complaining its like dude thats what you get for watching the draft all right now once again what kind of a fucking loser just sits there watching round after round the jets are up next i think they need a quarterback they need to improve their defensive line dude thats like going to a graduation ceremony where you dont know anybody whos graduating youre just fucking sitting there theyre gonna have the whole list the next day theyll have everybody who drafted who when fucking got to sit there and watch that shit those stupid interviews yeah youre a member of the buffalo bills how does it feel well you know its a blessing i want to thank god gonna try to do my best its a great organization and the same shit the last  guys said so yeah yeah im glad he kissed him he should have fuckin blown him yeah with birthday cake in his mouth and a santa claus hat on his head just to ruin the entire year holding a flag that fucks up flag day youll keep thinking about it yeah fucking stupidass groups people apologizing to em like they have some sort of power look if youre being a dick apologize but other than that yeah go fuck yourself yeah  everybody getting in trouble like a bunch of children i was doing a gig in dallas and some waitress wrote on a piece of chalkboard she goes we like our beer the way we like our violence domestic right now i got to tell you something thats a great fucking joke there is zero fat on that you need every word of that joke you take one word out it doesnt work its a perfect joke so whatever nobody gives a shit one person comes in they dont like it they ask the manager to take it down hes just like thats our sense of humor here have a beer go fuck yourself thats what were doing she takes a picture of it puts it on facebook all of a sudden people start complaining they fired the manager and the waitress because of that yeah i dont understand like what do they think is gonna happen if somebody reads that joke like youre some guy who would never hit a woman ya know would never hit a woman you cant hit women you honestly cannot you ever see how they fall they fall like toddlers you know its like they never fell in their life they never put their hands out its horrific to watch you cant hit them right so what are you telling me somebody youre telling me someone who never hit a woman is gonna come walking in read that joke you know just be wait a minute  thats the dumbest shit they have all kinds of signs out there telling people not to hit women people still do it what do you think wife beaters are doing when they drive home theyre like so focused on hitting their wife they got blinders on theyre not reading anything they dont see the dont hit your wife billboard theyre still gonna do it did that get too weird for you guys did the church organs make that fucked up like i was up here make a pledge for jesus and hit your women ever watch some of those stupid religious shows that fucking joel osteen you ever see that guy that guy is so full of shit he doesnt even open his eyes when hes talking take a pledge for jesus are they still here he doesnt even have the nerve to open his eyes you want some popsicles jesus wants you to have some popsicles he wants you to have those popsicles his fucking electric blue carpet yeah everybodys getting in trouble cause of these goddamn groups look at the amount of old people that got in trouble this year old people get in trouble right that older woman there that makes the cookies on the food network right yeah paula deen she got in trouble cause she had this slaverythemed wedding or whatever the hell she did in defense of her you know you want to have an original wedding theres not a lot of themes left you know you got to use the old imagination if youre gonna try to blow people away with your creativity right im actually gonna have a holocaust themed pool party later on this summer i am once everyone gets in ze pool ja it was weird it was like it was offensive but like refreshing you know i dont know i dont know how i feel about it yeah she got in trouble the old redneck on duck dynasty that dude got in trouble the owner of the clippers got in trouble and im not saying what these people did wasnt offensive im not sayin that shit what pissed me off was at no point during all of these stories did anybody address their age you know theyre fucking old you know what did you think they thought you never talked to a grandparent and asked the wrong question and all of a sudden it went down this crazy road whoa whoa whoa lets get back to the cookies grandma lets leave that shit over here what the fuck yeah theyre old what did you think they thought i mean– im gonna be honest with you people were too hard on that clippers guy man im telling you for an  white guy that wasnt that bad all right dude he didnt drop the n word once thats unbelievable for an  white guy the n word should have been carpetbombed through that whole tape he never said it once if you go back and listen to that tape– go back and listen to it other than instagram hes pretty fucking liberal hes like you can hang out with them you can have sex with them just dont promote it on instagram yeah it was the weirdest most compartmentalized like racism i ever heard in my life something about instagram i didnt get it other than that he was wide open you can make a snowman with them go to a water park rub your bellies together just dont promote it on instagram hey what about facebook i dont give a fuck about facebook keep it off of instagram yeah dude you understand the guy is  years old do the math this dude was born in  thats  years before jackie robinson broke the color barrier first  and a half years of this guys life he watched allwhite baseball and it was fine first  and a half years up next whitey willoughby theres a line shot out to peter peckerwood what a catch unbelievable in to chris cracker what a great day what a great day for a ballgame white baseball white players dude his parents were part of the generation that finished off the genocide of the native americans all right thats who taught him his abcs you know  a b c d e  hey get that savage off my property get out of here i thought we killed all you people put a fence around them  h i j k  yeah what did you think was gonna happen the owner of the clippers you know what his big crime was he lived too long he did if hed died around   nobody would have noticed dude look at walt disney walt disney was a known antisemite but he died in the early  nobody gives a shit look at him hes got a castle bunch of mice running around nobody cares this guy kept living telling you you can live too long you can live too long im telling you you wear out your welcome i swear to god this fucking guy i bet in the s he was considered a hippie you know just walking around hey you can hang out with em you can have sex with em man you know his dads getting all pissed off let me tell you something see you stay with your own you stay with your own thats true though life can pass you by it happens you just keep living and living basically i think you got like   years to absorb as much as you can and then thats it thats all you know cause right around then you get married and its over right you have a couple of kids youre sucked in the bubble you dont have time to pay attention to whats going on out in the world youre stuck with these kids its shitting all over the place dont be a serial killer dont touch that youre just stuck in that you have three four kids that is a  sentence trying to get them all through college society just keeps fucking going you get the last one through college step back out of the bubble– you dont know what happened youre not even paying attention you go back to your old record collection  someone sticks a mike in your face youre gonna get in trouble yeah its one of the sad things about life you get old and it passes you by i feel it passing me by im  years old i dont even have kids but i cant keep up anymore i had a college gig coming up i was like i gotta figure out what these kids are into i was  when a senior was born i got to figure out what these dudes are into so i guess theyre into like this like dj music or some shit so im like all right ill watch some of this you know so i have like a reference or two i dont want to be that old comic coming to the gig being like whats up with this monica lewinsky is this crazy i mean this – is my stylus gonna work i dont know so i put this shit on dude i lasted  seconds ninety seconds i was openminded all right put it on ninety seconds later im like this old man ah this isnt music you know when i was a kid you dressed like a woman and you sung about the devil now that was music and you had one ballad every album started off in black and white and when the guitar solo came in it went to color yeah that was music yeah all of this shits passing me by ill get in trouble later on in my life transgender athletes i dont fucking understand that you know i understand you want to switch around i dont give a shit but im a sports fan thats a really new concept to me that you can be a dude right ranked  in the fucking world you have your dick cut off you put on a sports bra and now youre the  tennis player in the world just coming out there with your man shoulders  that doesnt seem fair i might be wrong i might just be an old guy i have no idea but im hearing rumors like some of them are getting into that mma you cant have that shit am i nuts that is a dickless dude beating the shit out of a woman jesus christ he might as well hit her with his discarded dick like a flashlight hold still her ground and pound is incredible yeah im not saying these people are right and im not saying that im right i know im a fucking moron ya know but that duck dynasty guy– i know what he said was wrong but i dont get the shock said that homophobic stuff and people are like can you believe yeah i totally can believe it if i was in vegas i would have put  of my shit on that he was gonna say it id give him a  benefit of the doubt just in case are you seriously shocked some redneck with a beard down to his dick sitting in a boat in the middle of a swamp shooting varmints like what did you think he thought did you think he had some progressive ideas on samesex marriage  yeah didnt he think didnt he think exactly what you thought he thought you know you know what kills me too that fuckin kinda shit that homophobic stuff that all comes from the church man doesnt it come from that shit theres something in there i never read the book all right i tried to they need to fucking update it they update itunes every fuckin six days can we update the language and make it a little more user friendlieth for someone like me right thats where he gets all those fucking ideas that duck dynasty guy its not his fault that he went to– he went to sunday school in like  you know i think all of that shit comes from the church they just fuckin brainwash you you know dont clap dont clap i dont read i dont read follow someone else im telling you they brainwash you come into the church your brains all empty they fill it like a jelly donut  just brainwash you  say what we say when we say it   say it again then you can go home to your toys   all right ill say it   ill say it again   now can i go home to my toys  right and you repeat everything they say the good the bad and the fucking horrific they stick a star on your forehead youre a big boy looks like people like me you get on with your life you go to college you get a masters degree in english like this redneck dude had he invents the new duck whistle or whatever the hell you call it right yours goes whack whack mine goes whackafuckinwhack dude makes a zillion bucks gets his own tv show hes loving life and out of nowhere here comes that same question sixty years later from sunday school and he stands up like the manchurian candidate jesus liked hookers and lepers doesnt like the queers and everybody freaks the fuck out and hes like thats what they said and theyre all dead oh whered everybody go i thought i was a good boy hes just this scared old man getting yelled at in a boat i dont understand i dont understand why a group like glaad right i always forget its gay lesbian a whatever the fuck it stands for all right why do they go after the old guy in the boat why dont they go after the people writing the book right hey could you please teareth outeth those coupleth of pages theyre not gonna do that thats the vatican theyre their own city they got a wall around their own city theyre brushing off cases of pedophilia like its nothing theyre not taking that call oh what happened really go fuck yourself click they dont care  i learned a long time ago i think whatever youre into youre into but im not into that religious stuff where– and this is why i actually walked away from my religion i had to be honest with myself one i didnt like to go– i didnt like going to church every week you know i just didnt part of it was im lazy i dont like getting up on sundays and the other part was i already heard all the stories okay heard them three four times the dude hasnt come back yet you know were just sort of mulching over the same shit here i got it – right –  and the other aspect was you know i actually– i had to be honest with myself i felt my religion made sense and everybody elses sounded stupid  i did look im not talking about the basis of every religion basis of every religion makes sense you know the ten commandments dont kill anybody dont touch my wife thats my bike right that all makes sense of which ive broken i think ive broken just about every commandment except for the fifth one thats it i havent killed anybody yet right but the murderous thoughts that i have sometimes i think i could do it like when someone gets on a plane and they kick off their loafers and theyre wearing those goldtoed like dress socks and they cross their feet at the ankles and they just start rubbing their feet together like i see the whole thing see the whole thing wrapping that sock shh shh shh right see the whole thing so well see still early on right but just the stories of how we got here and where were going and what happens after we die everybody elses religion sounded stupid you know like i live out in los angeles theres a bunch of scientologists out there and the first time i heard the story of scientology i was like that is the dumbest shit i have ever heard in my life  yeah like your guys name is ron ron and he wasnt alive thousands of years ago so you can hide a lot of it in the mystery this guy was alive like   years ago he had a drivers license social security number theres like footage of him stubbing his toe motherfucker right i know what happened he was working at dennys he got sick of it ill start a religion hey everybody theres this spaceship coming back everybodys getting sneakers this is tom cruise were gonna try to make you clear right look im paraphrasing im paraphrasing to be fair to the scientologists i am paraphrasing but thats essentially what they believe in and i said that is the dumbest shit i ever heard while simultaneously still kind of believing that a woman who never got fucked had a baby that walked on water died and came back three days later so yeah that made total sense to me so it just hit me one day i was like why does that make sense and that shit doesnt you know they got a spaceship in theirs you know we– right we got the space shuttle you know theres sneakers theres a lot of shit i can relate to in this why does that sound so dumb to me you know what it is i think its cause i heard their story when i was an adult i heard my story when i was four years old right when i heard my story there was still some fat fuck coming down the chimney giving me christmas toys if i lost a tooth there was a fairy there was the easter bunny why wouldnt there be some bearded baby moonwalking across the lake throwing out bottomless buckets of shrimp or whatever he did of course that made sense what happened was as i got older all of that stuff started to fall right ah son there is no fat fuck its your mother and i your moms the tooth fairy rabbits dont have eggs her tits are fake the nba is fixed bankers are cunts most of your dreams wont come true right and i was just like wow this is how the world is and meanwhile this shit was just floating this  gorilla of this fucking story i just had to make a decision what am i gonna do what am i gonna do with this am i gonna cling to it be that person thats very offensive to me and other christians and become that douche all right and be like the casual christian right with like one foot on base just yeah i kind of go a couple of times a year and like if my parents come to town i act like i go all the time and i dont go anymore or my last option which was basically just just let go of the shit you know just let go  just let go of it like that creepy moment in curling you know that moment where the shooter or whatever you call them is just sliding with that rock right just let me do this right just sliding and you think hes along for the ride the two of them theyre a team and all of a sudden out of nowhere he just goes fucking that rock just keeps going this dude just stops thats what i did with my religion i just let go of it i didnt read a riot act to anybody i just let go of it and on the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures i just floated away  so now its like im in this weird place where im not in any religion right now unrestricted free agent you know  id like to believe in something so ive been going around asking people what their shit is and i havent been able to find anything trying to be openminded i was doing a gig in helsinki and over there theyre like lutheran and what they believe they believe when you die youre dead and thats it dead like a pigeon just– just layin there over blew my mind im like really youre just dead like my religion was you die and then you go up to get judged right god pops in the dvd of your life well i dont know about this right here mind explaining yourself this might be the most arrogant thing i say all night but i actually resent the fact that im gonna get judged someday like if thats true that somebodys gonna judge me that doesnt even make any sense its like dude you made me so this is your fuckup all right lets not try to turn this around on me you know jesus christ you give me freedom of choice you make whores you have me suck at math and you dont think this things gonna go off the rails like you set me up to fail and now you got the balls to now question your own goddamn work dude if i made a car if i built a car and it didnt run i wouldnt burn it forever you evil piece of shit just light it on fire i wouldnt i would troubleshoot is there gas in the engine is the battery charged anything beyond this i got to get a real man to look at it but i believe in you im gonna try and help you out yes my religion its nuts its fucking nuts like my religion like the way i was brought up is like you know you can make it to heaven but like some of your family members possibly couldnt or some of your friends doesnt even make sense like how am i supposed to enjoy heaven if thats the deal right just sitting here waiting for my friends to show up jesus christ where the hell are they its been like  years they must have ate a lot of brussels sprouts or some shit doing some yoga right and then one day it just settles in that they didnt make it and then what im still gonna enjoy heaven right jesus coming walking over hey how is it going everybody isnt this great isnt this great yeah dude itd be even better if all my family members and friends werent burning for fucking ever kind of hard to enjoy heaven when you just keep thinking of that there jstar what do you think hey dude i didnt ask you to come over you came walking over with your big dumb sandals hey hey how is it going over here why did you come over here i dont give a damn dude tell your dad i dont give a fuck im already in here im already in here what are you gonna kick me out afterwards go fuck yourself i knew he was gonna be like that i knew it the bosss son is the worst fucking sense of entitlement so yeah so they believe when you die youre dead and i was like so youre just dead like how do you wrap your head around not existing i couldnt get my head around it he goes well like before when you were born do you remember that and i was like no and the guys like yeah its just like that im like not only does that make sense that is absolutely terrifying dude i got to be honest i hate how scared im getting as i get older im developing all these new fears like i have a fear of flying now i never had a fear of it its not straightacrosstheboard flying i dont like small planes all of a sudden i just dont like them and it has nothing to do with the plane i believe in the planes okay i just dont believe in the pilots cause you know what i dont think the airline does either which is why that dude is flying that little plane the airline was basically like all right well give you like  people see how you do you know you fly them up you land you bring another  back well let you do this for a while you do this for a while we dont get any complaints no up and down up and down none of that shit well move you up to  people and then one day youll be in a jet– whoo were going a little faster right big planes youre getting the fuckin pilot that knows what hes doing hes probably fought in a war hes used to getting shot at he cant bring this bus in its a joke right a bunch of people whining in the back my headphones dont work he doesnt give a fuck right hes up there sleeping hes trying to make something happen hes so goddamn bored thats a stud up there right so one time im flying into albany new york okay a city that nobody really goes to so im on a smaller plane and everything is going great all of a sudden out of nowhere we hit this turbulence  and it stops and everybody looks around laughing nervously like  all of a sudden it comes back with a vengeance you can literally hear the metal the planes made of like all of a sudden this dude three rows back starts making these bitchy noises whoa whaaa whoa whaaaa whoa im not gonna lie i have never been so fucking scared in my entire life dude that noise is acceptable out of a female or a child but turn around and see a  mustachioed male going whoo whaaa whoa dude the hair was standing up on my arms im praying to a higher power i dont even believe in the shit i just wish i had the balls to turn around and be like dude would you shut the fuck up jesus christ be a man push it down push it down deny your feelings act like you have answers do some man shit right now do some man shit jesus christ you know you think im not up here thinking whaaa whoa i am but how does that help us for me to join you and turn this fuselage into a haunted house you know what kills me what absolutely kills me is some woman is gonna fall in love with this guy marry him and make half whooo whaaaa fucking kids and you know what we become weaker as a species we do  do you remember back in the day when you watched the discovery channel about animals now they build cars but it used to be about animals right now its all car stuff looking forward to getting that carburetor today the carburetor didnt fit what do you mean the carburetor doesnt fit dads gonna be mad  theres never enough time to build the car its so fucking stupid we got to have this bus done by thursday or else what the guy doesnt want it anymore all right youll get the thing when we finish it okay this is a safety issue you want brakes on it then go get yourself some fucking lunch so before  before there used to just be animals and this is what i noticed everything from a lion all the way down to an insect okay if you had one drop of whoo whaaa bitchy blood in you none of the females would fuck you that was it your life was over your life was over no ant pussy for you your entire miserable eightday ant life cause all six of your legs shook when the wind blew and the female ant saw it theyre like all right stay away from that one stay away from that one hes gonna jeopardize the whole hill and stacy listen to me human beings have empathy some woman will fall in love well hes nice he wears a sweater he likes to bake you know he lets me finish my stories which is all great qualities okay but you got to know when you shack up with a guy like that youre rolling the dice youre rolling the dice that that fucking axe murderer is gonna pick the next house over cause god forbid he picks your goddamn house this is the dude who has your back whos gonna be screaming louder and higher than you when this guy comes through the fucking door and youre gonna turn around all youre gonna see is his cowardly feet going out the kitchen window i dont know man thats risky you know in reality im being too hard on that guy yeah i am i am cause i was just as scared as he was except i didnt scream out like he did and thats simple the simple reason was this dude he was hugged too much as a child having people going how was your day whats wrong and all of that shit you know thats why i came down here i came out here to tell you guys you got to stop hugging your children you are ruining this country now you can hug your daughters you got to do that you got to do that hug those hooker shoes right out of them let them know that youre a good man and to find another man like you you got to do that but your son you can hug them a little bit but every three four you got to fucking knock em down right come on it didnt hurt get up i didnt come from a family i dont know about you guys i didnt come from a touchyfeely call me when you get there mwah mwah none of that shit first time my mom hugged me i think was like once when i was little and when i moved out that was it and we only hugged cause we knew we were supposed to so we just tried to like it was like two parking meters came to life like we almost bumped heads it was horrific fucking horrific to this day sometimes i drive down the street and i think about that hug and its just so awful i have to like shout the memory out of my head ill just be driving down the street just be like aaaaah anybody else like that you ever have to shout stuff out of your head theres something about me like all my regret comes up when im in the shower i dont know what it is i think cause im in the shower and i have time to think and ill just think of shit i did in third grade where i just made an ass of myself and ill just be in the shower just being like  and my wifes always just like is everything okay in there ill just be like yeah yeah just accidentally turned on the hot water turned it on too much every day so yeah i actually asked my mother one time when i finally got out in the world and i saw how other families interacted i finally asked her how come we never did the hugging thing how come we didnt do that stuff she was like i wanted to hug you kids when you were little but i was afraid it was gonna make you gay and i was like you were afraid and she goes well it was your father thats what it was protecting him like i always do he was afraid he said you dont know how to raise boys and if you hug them thats whats gonna happen so in a marriage theres compromises yeah so she basically never hugged us cause my dad said if she did it was gonna make us gay and i got to tell you that was a great thing that my dad did for me let me finish before you start blogging okay and i end up on a split screen on good morning atlanta comedy could it go too far last night at the tabernacle– sitting there next to some fucking cheetoeating blogger so yeah this is the deal im gonna defend my dad here because this is basically what happens when you have a kid as far as i know i dont have any kids as far as id think if you have a kid what do you want to do you want to improve on your childhood okay you want to keep the shit that your parents did that worked and then you want to get rid of the stuff that didnt work so that was my dad as fucked up as that was that was his improvement on his childhood that he never talks about the way a veteran doesnt talk about going to war so i figure if that was his improvement on his childhood his childhood just must have been something like dont change his shitty diaper let him figure it out for himself get out in the rain you shitty baby hey let me handle this lady why are you still standing here you shit toddler so he took it from that and knocked it down to dont hug him its gonna make him gay right and then maybe someday i ever have a kid ill whittle it down to like hes not taking drama class all right hes not taking drama class cause i said so lady let me handle this i wont fix everything and thats not a homophobic thing either that i wouldnt send my hypothetical son to drama class okay it isnt i would send id let my hypothetical daughter take a drama class okay my son cant fucking do any of that shit unless im sending him to one of those fame high schools where everybodys doing it one of those creative schools you go to the cafeteria everybodys like  cottage cheese what is it made of  then he can do all he wants then he can do all the fuck he wants but theres no way im letting him do that at a public school with those goddamn animals hes gonna get the shit kicked out of him hes gonna come home with his underwear up his ass and then i have to be the adult and go down to the principal and be like theres some sort of tomfoolery going on around here i dont want to do that i want to find the fucking eightyearold what is he this tall i want to find the kid that did it to my kid tip him upside down into some sand or a puddle anywhere where oxygen is going to be an issue right and just leave him there you wait for that one leg to start shaking so you know hes down to his last breath and then you turn him upsideright and you grab him by his throat you say something horrific you ever do that again im gonna beat your mother to death with the family dog all right  over so yeah a lot in my life has changed since i last came through here to atlanta i got married thats the big thing yes i did very happy about that im very happy because it was starting to get weird its like  years old my girlfriend yeah were gonna go out and get some pop going to parties it was just weird cause i hang out with people my age and they all got married they all had kids i just couldnt contribute when people were standing around talking about marriage marriages and kids i felt like a little kid just sitting there going like the superintendent of the mayoral candidate will be bicoastal bipartisan with the middle eastern crisis its just its an advanced learning program the deadline is may  we have to stop the bullying with the superintendent of the mayoral candidate when the conversation would come around to me i felt like i was eight years old id just be like did anybody see the youtube video where the raccoon stole the cats food and the cat was scratching him and the raccoon didnt care he just came in like this like george foreman and then he reached out he had hands all of a sudden he had hands i didnt know they had hands he scooped it up and he ran away on paws did you guys know they had hands so now im married so the next move is youre supposed to have a kid which i would love to do but im  years old im just thinking its too fucking late ya know come on man im gonna have a kid im gonna die of natural causes when the kids in fifth grade throwing him a frisbee we used to use these on a saturday do a face plant my kids standing there mom dads sleeping again i feel hopelessly behind all my friends have kids most of my friends who have kids are cool but i got a couple of those who think now that they have a kid that i dont understand anything anymore you know those people the most basic shit hey man its kind of cold out today dude you dont understand you dont understand cold till you got a twoyearold with a mitten up his ass and youre trying to get chocolate off the other ones face all right all right i get it you have a more complex life but i still understand being cold teeth chattering kind of lets me know right mine just turned six mine just turned seven i just feel hopelessly behind so what im actually thinking of doing im thinking about adopting yeah absolutely recycle you know think globally act locally everything doesnt have to be brandnew you know its like when you redo your kitchen you got custom up top you got ikea down the bottom right id love to adopt its a great thing to do but if i do it im not telling any of my friends im just gonna show up with the kid one day just to piss em off mine just turned six mine just turned seven id love to just show up with an eightyearold like dominoes yeah now i get to tell you what you dont understand sevenyearold wait till they turn eight eight is such a funny age terrible twos try the instant eights bam theyre just there like with all their issues i should do it though i should adopt i think its a great thing to do and i already know what i want to get i do i want to get like an   always garaged good dentition do you know what i would love to do id love to rescue some kid that works in a sweatshop wouldnt that be amazing like find the kid that made this shirt just show up at the factory like hey come on bring it in bring it in you little maniac how you doing youre going back to the states lshaped couch flat screen tv get in the car the rest of you keep sewing but you youre coming home with me yeah dude how easy how easy would that kid be to raise after the hell hes been through all i gotta do is let him sit down i am immediately the greatest human being this kid has ever met just bring him home have a seat hell be like i get to sit down yeah lay down on the couch hell be like its like a cloud its like a cloud ill get him a bowl of fritos put on cricket or soccer one of those sweatshop sports i dont know the kid would love me so thats my first draft pick all right coming out of the gate with that in the second round id probably get like an  boy soldier ya know yeah shore up the offensive line you gotta protect the blindside thats how fucked up the world is theres little boys out there fighting in wars so thats a twofer i can drag him out of that hell give him something of whats left of his childhood and god forbid if the dollar ever collapses right shit goes south zombies take over i got backup everybody thinks im gonna be the problem meanwhile i got this sawedoff chuck norris standing next to me  kills confirmed fucking kills theyre not stories can make a flamethrower out of a vacuum cleaner and a toaster you cant coach that right i got to be honest with you i feel like id have to go easier on the discipline with the boy solider i might be nuts but i feel like i could come down on the sweatshop kid right i said get in there and clean up your goddamn room im getting sick of this shit goes for you too if you want but you youve been out of line all day mister dont even start that shit dont even start that shit you say that every time yes you do every fucking time you say that you know the answer you want me to say it again ill break it down to you you know why it is you want to know why cause you sew all right yeah you sew dude hes fucking killed people do you understand that no he doesnt he doesnt have to make his bed too no he doesnt because he doesnt sleep in the bed hes out in the bushes all night talking to himself freaking me the fuck out all right oh fuck you fuck you he scares me too he scares me too dont even start that shit you wanted a big brother and i got you one dont even start that shit all right all right youre right stop crying stop crying shouldnt have yelled at you i just thought i could fucking bring him in give him a couple of pop tarts i figured hed chill out fucking sitting there looking through his eyebrows doing that full metal jacket shit no you cant give him back it doesnt work that way there he is there he is whats up buddy whats going on we were just talking about you just doing like a little surprise thing you feeling all right you feeling all right youre not looking through those eyebrows huh everything okay so i figure uh i dont know if ill do it maybe im too selfish i have no idea im all over the fuckin map do you know what i want to do right now i actually want to learn how to fly a helicopter man i do thats my latest thing you know why it is its cause i live in los angeles yeah and its an absolute clusterfuck when you go into land in that city just look out the window and just look at the complete lack of planning theres not even zoning laws theyll build like a skyscraper next to a house next to a gun range and then theres like a fucking daycare center right the city doesnt even work even when everything else works so god forbid the dollar collapses or some crazy shit happens where you gonna go in a city like that see you guys are all right out here in atlanta youre all right i dont know maybe in atlanta might be crazy youre on the outskirts youre fine youre fine you dont live in a desert you slam your face in a birdbath youre cool drink that water for a good  days la theres nowhere to go thats why i love the helicopter dude the helicopter is the ultimate fuck this im out vehicle all you gotta do is assess the situation zombie coming up the street fuck this this looks safe you just land it you could sit there hovering just sit there in a hover watching everybody getting killed sitting up there eating cheese and crackers with the red stick yeah so i told my wife i want to fly a helicopter shes just like yeah no which i know that came from a place of love but it still kind of annoyed me just that she said that shit then i was just gonna be like oh all right thought i was gonna get to do that but you said no so there goes that hey what other dreams arent i gonna get to achieve like do you already know or are you waiting for me to ask yeah im still gonna do it im just not gonna tell her im just gonna go out and do it pass the goddamn class and when i get my license im not going to tell her im just gonna go out and buy a white silk scarf and hang it by a nail in the living room shes just gonna be like what is that what is that for what does that mean yeah someday youll see someday youll see when the shit hits the fan and youre freaking the fuck out and im taking branches off some unforeseen helicopter what is that shut the fuck up and get in now you guys think im bullshitting im not im serious im  in on this and ever since i got into it im seeing helicopters everywhere i never realized how many helicopters there were driving down the street like henry hill looking up at them doing key bumps and shit theyre after me swear to god im seeing stories about them its just like that old advertising anecdote i never realized how many mattress commercials there were out there until i needed a mattress and then all of a sudden theyre all over the place and then i bought a mattress and then it all went away its the same shit i saw this story down in orange county right down in orange county california this guy gave helicopter tours for  years–  years without incident hands the business off to his son the american dream i built it up for  years here you go son make the family and the family name proud all right dad i love you all right this poor kid five days in hes supposed to give a tour to a couple only the dude shows up the kid thought it was weird but hes like i need the money i gotta give him a tour right so he takes this guy up ten minutes into the tour the dude fucking jumped out yeah five days in five days in from the balloons and the cake we love you son keep the family tree going the traditional line five fucking days later this kid he probably barely had the speech down just sitting there flying the helicopter all right if you look out the left side of the aircraft thats orange county theres over  miles of beaches there put your seatbelt back on  miles of beaches was established as a county in  sir please dont open the door sir what are you doing sir no no dont dont stop no no what the fuck what the fuck oh my god oh my god oh my god what the fuck what the fuck fuck air traffic control i dont know whos on this frequency but you really need– somebody just jumped out of the fucking helicopter five days in so i read further into the story turns out the guy who jumped out he was  years old terminally ill he was in pain every day they couldnt figure out what was wrong with him and he had had enough at that point that guy immediately became a hero in my world know what i love about him not only did he make the decision he didnt go out like some pussy right handful of pills watching a romantic comedy wrapped in an afghan that nana made fuck that guy went out like a man take me up in a chopper im looking at the land i love and then im jumping out like a superhero i loved it yeah  this guy should have been wearing a fucking cape i cant imagine how elated he must have been on that helicopter ride up after finally just taking back control of his life like fuck you disease i decide ripping tubes out gets a burger shotguns a beer take me up in the chopper he probably had his fucking foot on the dashboard hes not even listening to this guy giving the tour right over  miles of beaches put your seatbelt back on established as a county in  sir please dont try to open the door no no dont dont dont   incredible but heres the thing i left out one small thing there is one small thing the guy fucking lived yeah yeah they were out over the ocean  feet up youd think that would be enough so im thinking he must have gone in like greg louganis like no splash just but witnesses said it looked like a dummy was falling out of the air so that sounds like a hell of an impact i think he accidentally did the most epic  belly flop in the history of jumping out of a helicopter but that didnt change what he was trying to do where his heart was i still love this guy i just feel bad for him on the way down hes got to be thinking three more seconds of pain two more seconds wham  oh my god this is worse this is way worse it has a happy ending though he later died at the hospital thats right so heres to him god bless him i hope i have the balls someday so where do you go from there well as i mentioned last time i came through town i wanted to get a gun you know i do yeah but ive finally given up on that i gave up on that dream my wife doesnt want me to get one so yeah she didnt want– dude you got to pick your fucking battles im gonna learn how to fly a helicopter on the sly i cant fucking have some  hanging around ill do whatever i want all right what i say goes eat it cant be that person now it fucking bums me out cause all i wanted to do was just get a  thats all i wanted perfect gun for home protection  caliber youre laughing at that sir thats not enough i dont know im down south what do you think thats not enough right you want– shotgun right  you guys are out of your minds youre out of your fucking minds let me ask all you gun guys who are gonna make fun if i had a  whats with your  that little queer gun do you keep it between your buttocks is that the holster is that what you do with your gay little gun you need a big gun all you fucking guys let me ask you this all you guys with your guns have you ever shot the fucking thing without earplugs have you ever done that or youre like most people you take it down to the gun range you put your earplugs in put your headset on take it out of the briefcase you got your little yellow tinted fucking glasses right you look at your spread or whatever and then you put it back in there right you ever shot that thing without fucking earplugs cause thats whats gonna happen when that intruder comes in youre not gonna have time to be hang on a second let me just yeah youre not gonna have time dude i shot a fiveshot  one time without earplugs i was landscaping this guys yard he comes out at the end of the job hey i got this fiveshot  you want to go down the street theres a burnedout car we can take a couple of shots you know whats funny every other state is fuckin dying laughing at this point in the joke because its so goddamn ridiculous until i get down to the south and you guys just sit here staring at me like all right so what happened pretty standard i thought this was gonna be a comedy show youre reading from your journal i dont understand what the– its not a real compelling story im mowing a fucking lawn and a stranger comes out with a weapon and says lets shoot it at a burnedout car okay jesus christ can we agree on that so im like all right lets do it fuck it so i go down there never shot a gun before i bring the gun up point it at the car i pull the trigger i saw the muzzle flash i felt a kick i never heard the gun i pulled the trigger all i just heard was  i shot the gun four more times never heard it didnt get louder didnt get quieter just kept seeing flashes  all right so lets take one of your fucking guns lets just say for the sake of argument all right you got that thing sitting on a nightstand loaded right for gods sakes tell me you have it there dont be one of these people that has the gun here and the bullets there you got the thing fucking loaded ready to go   in the morning this is when the psychos coming in too right thats when they come in   in the morning they dont come by at  at night as youre cutting into a pork chop im out of my mind im coming back in  minutes so stretch out your hammies cause its gonna get crazy thats not how it works they wait till youre dead asleep   in the morning right before rem sleep is kicking in so lets just say for the sake of argument all you gun guys you got your thing loaded right your piece right right there loaded for bear youre lying there same scenario right one leg under the covers one without shirt  in the morning youre just  meanwhile some psycho sneaking in through the living room window right he brings in a fucking sickle and hes just listening listens all the way down that hall and he just hears  hes trying not to squeak on the floorboards and youre just fucking lying there  all of a sudden that little dog on the floor is just like   whats the matter whats the matter whats the matter whats the matter boy you hear something whats the matter what are you barking for youre shaking whats the matter huh you hear something whats– come on man quit fucking around i got to go to work tomorrow  all of a sudden boom that door flies open you just see this shadowy figure you pick up that gun blam  and you fucking miss you miss you cant see now you cant hear thats two out of five senses what are you gonna taste him as he comes around the bed youre still gonna be shooting over here meanwhile you see this strobe light psycho coming around the fucking bed takes off your head if you had the  you could still hear your ears would be ringing but you could hear that fucker coming across and you could shoot at him and he would leave he would leave you guys just wont get off the fact that its a fuckin  youre like psychotic with this shit all right no no no no no no no let me– i will extend an olive branch to you people okay i get it i get it that a  is basically a roidedup bb gun i got it okay i understand that if you actually want to kill somebody you have to basically have the gun up to somebodys head and be throwing a jab as you pull the trigger i understand that okay but i maintain i dont care who the fuck the toughest person is in this house i could defend my house with a bb gun i dont give a fuck how tough you are i dont care if i started shooting at you with a bb gun at the very least you have to go back outside and regroup thats a fact that is a fact if i caught you in your elbow that might be the end of your night look im coming back im coming back ive been trying to get along with my wife better im trying to dial down the douchebaggery in my relationship im not turning out the pilot light though all right im keeping some fight in me im not gonna be that henpecked guy just standing there like i guess were making holiday cookies that dude with the bowed shoulders she makes them and then im supposed to sprinkle the sugar on them i dont even think they taste that good but just– no i stand my ground sometimes sometimes i let it go you just got to figure it out we had a fight the other night she got so mad at me she was like you can just sleep downstairs you can just sleep downstairs i couldnt believe it its one of the most arrogant things ive ever heard in my life one adult telling another adult where they can sleep you can just sleep downstairs like i was just gonna sit up in bed grab a blanket like linus all right hey where downstairs by the way like over here downstairs or like more over here where should i sleep its like are you out of your mind i go im not sleeping downstairs shes like where you gonna sleep then im like where i always sleep i will fucking sleep on your side of the bed if i want to what are you gonna do im bigger than you ill hang onto the covers try to get me out no tickling go ahead yeah i was like you dont tell me where to sleep i sleep where i want to sleep shes like well you dont tell me where to sleep im like im not the one telling people where to sleep it was one of those classic relationship fights its like  in the morning youre both half naked shes not wearing a bra you got half a ball hanging out and another thing no no i need to say this the other day i felt slighted its fuckin unreal but what kills me is that theres actually guys out there that will actually listen to that shit yeah you talk to them theyll be hey hows it been going its been rough last of couple nights downstairs on the couch you know how that is right no i dont i dont understand how did you get yourself into that situation like what are you afraid of what is she gonna do if you say no what is she gonna fucking chokeslam you onto the kitchen table i understand if youre dating some woman and she does that ufc mma shit then you got to sleep where she says to sleep you got to shes gonna come at you well lets get you in an arm bar all right all right all right tapping out or even worse she chokes you out you wake up on the couch like  minutes later just grab your jacket off the back of the couch i fucking hate when she does this its like its not even fair have a debate like a normal person all right im gonna talk somebody down from a ledge here someone whos actually been sleeping on the couch okay so theres the first fear out the window okay she cant physically dominate you so thats gone whats the next fear shes gonna cut off the sex yeah rub one out neutralized its the most empty threat there is do it right in front of her join me yeah ive never understood that threat thats like somebody putting a chain around your refrigerator but you got a sandwich in your pocket a neverending sandwich like some biblical shit like jesus with the fucking bread or whatever so now whats the last thing she can do what can she do now be moody you cant handle that walk by your tv without looking at you only make herself something yummy out in the kitchen who gives a fuck my wife does that i just sit there i just start commentating here she comes again walking by the tv she really must be mad shes never bodyslammed me once ever im not saying to be a dick all right im just saying you got to keep them honest every once in a while you got to have a little pushback hey hey hey hey hey rest of the shit– im learning that about women you just want to keep them calm just keep them calm like a rescue dog right just everythings cool everythings cool just yeah yeah yeah this is great this is great im having a great time no your friends are awesome your friends are awesome very interesting party i am talking to people im talking to people i am having a good time here thats what you do you just do that enough then when you bark back you got a little something heres an olive branch ive extended to her its basically we fight a lot over television ive kind of come her way shes come my way she watches a little bit of sports i occasionally will watch a romantic comedy which i dont care the nerds gonna fuck the cheerleader ill watch it right i dont mind them its an uplifting story i just dont like the love scenes in romantic comedies they creep me out theyre just so fucking nice its like missionarystyle theres candles that stupid saxophone music  it always goes down like the saxophone implies the penetration right cause they cant show it they got to make her this onedimensional this little angel they ignore the other  of her sexuality no hairpulling no assslapping none of that shit none of that taboo stuff of a womans sexuality thats never brought up that whole hold me down but let me up but hold me down choke me but let me breathe but kind of scare the shit out of me a little bit i want to feel your power but i want to be safe but let me know if you really wanted to that whole fifty shades of rape whatever the hell that is yeah i dont even pretend to understand it i remember the first time a woman wanted to get me to choke her a little bit i didnt even know what she was doing i was just so psyched to be getting laid i was like and she just kept taking my hand and she kept putting it right here i didnt know what she was doing i thought she was testing my core strength or some shit and finally i was just like what are you doing she says like i dont know i just kinda like ya know its like squeeze a little bit and kind of like squeeze it why dont you want to do it itll be fun why dont i want to do it i dont think i want a passedout naked woman with my fingerprints all around her neck having the cops show up yeah shes in here officer damndest thing it was her idea i swear to god it was her idea yeah they always make it nice in those movies the raciest thing theyll do is every once in a while theyll kiss up against a wall i guess women like walls i didnt know that a lot of upagainstthewall kissing oh my god its the wall oh my god its supporting me maybe hell support me its a metaphor i love it yeah i saw one the other night they were doing that and then out of nowhere they started having sex up against the wall im like finally something a little bit more interesting right but they were doing it standing up facing each other missionarystyle arguably one of the most difficult positions there is and they were doing it with little to no difficulty all she did was lift her leg up like that and that was it he was off to the races i ruined the movie for my wife im like that is fucking bullshit bullshit what does the guy have like a ushaped dick how is he doing anything is he sticking it in her navel did he grease up her thighs to hell with her needs like if all shes gonna do is this shes got to bring it up like an offsides call if thats what shes doing all right if not you got to make some adjustments you just got to grab the other leg you got to try to pick her up there use these muscles  maybe you could grab a doorjamb drop down try to come in try to do that dude nobody can do that other than a porn star for longer than  seconds before theyre like all right this is ridiculous okay my calves are burning i cant get nearly enough momentum to do any sort of damage i can literally feel you getting on with your day with every pathetic attempt to try and rock your world these guys in the movie they have no problem banging away then they pick them up like theyre not heavy they start walking down they see the bed they just lay her down on the bed dude im not trying to be a dick but every woman in here is heavy yeah youre heavy youre an adult female jesus christ when do you stop picking up your kids when theyre like five or six get off of me jesus christ youre gonna throw out my back go jump on your brother an adult woman weighs  pounds  all the way up to god knows what and its not balanced weight most of its in your thighs and in your ass your heads hanging off trying to counterbalance dude when guys go to the gym we dont put  pounds on one side and a  over here fuckin yeah yeah its ridiculous trying to carry a naked woman its like trying to carry a halffilled waterbed mattress youre like bumping into shit when you see the bed you dont walk to it you slowly start picking up momentum then she bounces off this mattress hits the wall slides down the whole sex vibes ruined and youre back to your sandwich in your pocket all right im out of time you guys were awesome thank you so much thank you thank you i had a great time ill see you next time thank you �X��bo what old macdonald had a farm e i e i o and on that farm he had a pig e i e i o here a snort there a old macdonald had a farm e i e i o  this is bo burnham hes  years old hes a male and he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with ellen degeneres he has a gigantic head and tiny nipples hes isolated himself over the last  years in pursuit of comedy and in doing so has lost touch with reality youre an asshole bo you hear me you think you know better than me you think you know better than everybody you will die alone and you will deserve it but in the meantime you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours see if that helps  you used to do comedy when you felt like being funny but now youre contractially obligated so dance you fucking monkey dance monkey dance welcome to the show this is bo this is his show and bo likes to dance like this welcome to the show this is bo this is his show and bo takes off his pants like this play an invisible drum  play an invisible trumpet trumpet sound drink some invisible water oh shit that water is real bo wants to make you feel comfortable bo wants to make you feel comfortable random voice bo wants to make you feel comfortable so sit back relax and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact prolonged eye contact lick your lips to make it more comforting do you wanna see a magic trick yeah do you wanna see a magic trick yeah do you wanna see a magic trick then pick a card any card sike magic isnt real you idiot read a book magic isnt real you idiot read a book magic isnt real you idiot read a book magic isnt real or is it and at that moment bos  cynicism melted into childlike wonder he never knew there could be so much magic in the world its a world of possibilities bo what do you wanna do first run yeah sure you can run fly well yeah you can fly what what are you what the fuck you what the fuck are you doing stop st stop it what the f you fucking idiot stop stop stop anyways in the distance bo saw a beautiful fairy a fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school he then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard bo knew that hed have to answer a riddle to get by the troll spoke thus all right for the last time man im not a troll im homeless okay do you have any spare change okay thats a used napkin i dont want that no no stop just you know leave just leave please leave and then as bo arrived on the other side of the stage he saw a unicorn with  horns right in front of him and the pentacorn spoke thus hello bo ive been looking for you for quite a long time no    he was safe for now but the dark thoughts would soon return its godzilla aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhhhh  oh my god ahhhhh  godzilla aaaaauuugghhhhhh  its so hard to be a lizard its hard to be a lizard tiny arms itchy gizzard its hard to be a lizard but its harder to segue is he skiing or is he in a gay porn is he skiing what or is he in a gay porn is he skiing huh or is he in a gay porn heres a hint hes in a gay porn okay bo this miming shit is getting pretty annoying so give em the real thing  my voice is so fucking natural  its naturally good  naturally good naaaaturally good this is the end of the song and the beginning of the show welcome to the show  that lizard part was pretty fucking stupid anyway san francisco yeah we are a place we are a place in california um id like to uh id like to start with a joke for my male audience uh this is a joke for the fellas where are my fellas at fellas  yo fellas dont you hate it when youre blowing a guy and he ends up being a faggot am i right ive been blowing a faggot this whole time third time this week thank you so much were having fun this um this show is called what and i hope there are some surprises for you or someth jesus sorry its a good start uh hope theres he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah but you all thought it was an accident but he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah art is a lie nothing is real so um we uh grow up grow up with your applause stick it he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah but you all thought it was an acc– just dont if its on repeat it will repeat just we can cut all this so we meant to play the track again yeah yeah yeah but you all thought it was an accident but he meant to play the water track agagagain arts still a lie nothings still real food jokes lets do some food jokes segues are weird um  i had a hot dog for breakfast today and afterwards i felt like this cos i couldnt control my stools alright jesus im glad you like poop based puns they will be a majority of the show never waste a moment every moment can become a comedic moment see so just a little lesson for comedians this first song is called a world on fire  this next song its a little bit its a little bit longer then that one and thank you its about how sad i am and im really sad its called sad  its about all the sad stuff just picture a depressed onion cutting it self  i met a homeless man named rich isnt that terrible i saw a flyer for a lost dog and the dog did not have any legs i saw a diabetic kid trickortreating i saw a giraffe who had a short neck that was sad or a dear i saw an old man get hit by a train he didnt see it in the pouring rain he didnt hear me shout look out for the train cos i didnt say anything i just thought to my self ooh this is going to be sad and it was im a genius  i saw a man with only one eye in a  movie i saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mothers corpse i saw a kitten stuck in a tree then the kitten jumped off and it hung it self i saw a boy who had red hair i went to a store looking for something to buy but they only sold paintings of the same sad guy no wait this store sells mirrors see what i did there lets rock no the worlds is so sad bros pain genocide war sexism racism but i gotta remember theres good things about it too like the fact that none of that is happening to me score still though its hard not to be sad about it  how do you all do it ive been telling you guys terribly sad things this whole song you havent been sad at all youve been youve been happy no youve been laughing thats it laughter thats the key to everything its the way to solve all the sadness in the world i mean not for the people that are actually sad but for people like us that gotta fucking deal with them all the time being a comedian isnt being an insensitive prick capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public its being a hero the world isnt sad the world is funny im a sociopath i saw an old man slip and fall hey what a fucking idiot i saw a woman at her daughters funeral hahaha classic comedy everything that once was sad is somehow funny now the holocaust and  that shits funny  cos tragedy will be exclusively joked about because my empathy is bumming me out godbye sadness hello jokes thank you  ive got a really good joke about video editors video editors are so fucking i think we should do a poem right now if thats ok this poem is a little bit sappy a little bit romantic so well get it out of the way now and well go back to the oops the dirty stuff you know everyone loves at a late show or whatever ok its called i fuck sluts  its not a roll call but thank you sluts sluts  sluts sluts i fuck sluts sluts get fucked when i fuck sluts no ifs ands or buts i fuck sluts i fuck sluts nice girls are nice but no good for nut sucking theyll need a serene night to greenlight a buttfucking but thatll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking boo to the nice girls praise be to slut fucking i have a list a list yes a list of all the sluts ive missed ive never fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed so when i fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list another dumb cumbucket struck from my nut sucking suck it slut slut fucking bucket list  yes you hear the influences chaucer keats um the pages are blank i know it why am i lying to you sluts can be white black brown pink or almond they can be skinny with big tits or be skinny with small ones sluts can be perky prepy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash excuse me but other sluts are pretty and funny and smart these sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart they can talk about science music or art they can put you together or they can pull you apart but dont trust there sluts dont dont you dare theyll force you to trust them and love them and care and then theyll be gone and youll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there thank you very much  so he was lashing out with sexist language cos he had his heart broken we all learn something thank you all for coming i know some of my bits are a little bit fast and dense a little bit hard to follow particularly that one so i want to do something a little bit slower for the people maybe the older people in the crowd or something so umm  thiss for you heres a slow joke   what did the ear of corn say  when all of its clothes fell off  aww shucks  get it  like shucks as in shucking corn  and also shucks the exclamation  am i right   good were having fun umm my father recently told me that i act too flamboyant on stage and i said really dad prove it  he sad well what about that joke where you throw confetti at the end of it i said well i havent written that joke yet cos its based of this conversation gotcha keep it keep the struggle we are having a lot of fun guys dont worry you dont have to fill the silences with laughter or applause i dont want you leaving this show thinking my hands hurt from clapping my stomach hurts from laughing i just want you leaving the show thinking meh alright and we are on our way i moved to um hollywood recently from boston where i grew up and  places and i  i heard about these sort of wild hollywood party nights that people would have and i did not think they were true until i moved to hollywood and i started having them anyway this is a song about a crazy night that happened a couple of weeks ago its called what did i do last night  yeah yeah hey hey hey what did i do last night i cried my self to sleep    it was a good one when did my mother first describe gay sex to me good question i was  years old i was  years old she brought me into the dining room she sat right across the table from me she said do you know how your father and i love each other i said of course you and dad love each other more then two people could possible love each other she said well two men can love each other in the exact same way that your father and i love each other she said what happens when two men love each other like that what they do is they take off all their clothes umm they get into bed and they shit on the bible  so i dont talk to her anymore ok   hello patient  hi im sorry  how are you feeling not great  has the treatment been working no it hasnt been  what are your remaining symptoms i just i internalise my feelings i have trouble articulati like other people and relating to them  so basically youre still a little bitch real mature of you disembodied voice  i was just joking nigger  we are right by oakland careful with that shit  im not human i can say whatever i want alright just get to the what whats wrong with me please  your emotions and your logic are at war ok  your creativity and your analysis are at war  and most simply  your left and your right brain are at war my left and my right   to fix the problem  we must separate them from each other separa  splitting your neurological functions in    we book an appointment  you dont just start counting down  this may hurt a bit i dont even know what it is  zero just   isolation complete  this is bos left brain  objective logical cold  analytical aware of patterns  aware of trends  hes efficient  and a prick  this is bos right brain  subjective creative sensory  aware of feelings  aware of people  hes emotional yes  and an idiot thats your opinion so just be careful with opinions yooo  play nice i am the left brain i am the left brain i work really hard to my inevitable death brain youve got a job to do you better do it right and the right way is with the left brains might i like oreos and pussy yeah ok and i cried for at least an hour after watching toy story  i am the right brain i have feelings im a little all over the place but im lustful trustful and im looking for somebody to love and put my penis in here comes a female here comes a female puff your chest out take your phone and check your email our evolutionary purpose is repopulate so gather data now and see if shes a possible mate holy fuck i think she might be the one theres something about her i just cant describe it tits i am the earth she is the glorious sun i want her to trust me and i just want her to sit on my face sit sit alright new right brain youre being insane no left brain im just being alive you should try it you might like it i worked hard to give him everything he cared about you were worried about the things he was scared about im calm and collected when you act wild i am the adult you are the child you think you are the right one every time you think you know everything you dont know anything at all half of his problems were supposed to be mine but you wanted everything i hope that youre happy cos hes sure not well according to my calculations you are a pussy name calling really were going to do name calling we are not calling names we are just stating facts and the fact is youre a quivering pussy im the pussy well at least i dont play with toys still ok rubiks cubes are not toys they keep my spacial reasoning skills sharp left brain plays with toys look at you johnny fucking toy player well at least i did my fucking job i kept him working i kept him productive you were supposed to look after him you were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this now you are trying to blame me for how hes feeling how hes feeling if hes feeling unhappy its because you failed him you did this to him he hates you i know he does he fucking hates you  right brain look im sorry no youre not look maybe theres something that we could do together together take the best parts of both of us and put them together im listening it would let you let your feelings out it would let me analyse so you could man the themes ill man the form its something that george carlin did its something that steve martin did its something special that we could both perform do you know what it is juggling we could juggle and juggle our cares away it was comedy we could do comedy together  initiate reassembly alright right brain we are going to do comedy together altight left brain ill do comedy with you look we can fix him like this make him happy again i promise left brain left brain i love you i know  experimentation complete thank you very much  at this part of the show id like to talk about how deep i am   im pretty fucking deep deep deep so deep that i called this song hashtag deep have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird drop from a tree and take to the air me neither have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme but the right words just werent there meat cleaver the people in my life are like grains of sand cos they stick together often near my butthole if life is an ocean i am a deep and handsome fish a fish thats drowning if the artistic process is a birth canal then i am a freshly jellied kid come witness my crowning these thoughts of mine must be a sign that im hashtag deep if jesus can walk on water can he swim on land have you ever accidentally peed on the toilet seat instead of on your girlfriends face me neither me neither have you ever wrote a song note for note and not a single note was out of place  the people in my life are like blades of grass how cos theyre all so grounded but at least grass stays away from my butthole art is a harlot and i am her sassy urban friend oooh thats why youre being so selfish if mamma is right and the world is my oyster then i must have an allergy to shell you dont know how could you know if life makes you wish you were dead just put on a good movie then promptly put a bullet in your head spend forever asleep cos life pales in comparison to living the dream hashtag deep  thank you     dont you hate it when that happens yeah thank you thats called beating off in a minor yes yes aminor the key not the felony so i believe  i believe theres nothing more manly one can do then take a shower with  other guys its true its early caveman cromagnon wandering though the fog you know scrubbing  other sapiens no homo  id like to do erm do some poems right now erm if thats ok were at this point at the show these poems are actually im releasing this special for free so im going to plug my poetry book these are my new poems from my poetry book called egghead that will be out by the time this is airing but not by the time you guys are seated here right now they are pretty serious and its all just sort of this is usually the lull of the show usually so i like at this point to sort of take the pressure of the audience and just read some poems and then well go back to the giggles so this is a poem by a dog roses are gray violets are a different shade of gray lets go chase cars    me with my strange choice of adjectives you with your muscular teeth and your clockwise vagina  i put a chameleon on a red dildo well he blushed there we go  this is a poem about beauty about self image and about the ability to transform martha was ugly like a shaven baboon so she wrapped her self up in a curtain cocoon and after a week she finally emerged she smelled like shit what a psycho    youre incomparable like a        i want to beat you to death with a blunt object i want to grab one of those high end fashion manikins by the ankles and bash your rib cage in i want to sharpen  pencils bind them with a rubber band stick the lead in your mouth and punch the erasers i want to strap you to a bed of nails then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car so i can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps in a mall parking lot during an earthquake i want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and then somehow not survive a small fender bender on the way back from a hospital    thank you thats called dad    this is a poem its really a story thats meant primarily for children but i think its got a lesson we could all learn the squares lived happily in their square houses in their square yard in their square town but then one day a family of circles moved in from the west get out of here roundies shouted one of the squares why said one of the circles cos this is a metaphor for racism      when i walk into a party youd think i was one of those long straight tetris pieces cos everyones just like oh yeah this guys here finally weve been waiting for him to show up like you wait in the game forget it  no you had your chance if i had a million dollars id pay your mother to have sex with me afterwards id probably invest the remaining  ten dollars for sex with your mother comedy i smell comedy well it was comedy giving off that scent and finally mid october with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings the streets dicing our town into neat unfair portions and me eating that pussy baby    thank you so much um theres things that i dont want to come across in my show that i worry often come across about me cos people dont realize its an act up here i dont want you to ever think that i think that im better then people or that i think i know better then people um anyway sorry ok this is a song from the perspective of god      books you think i wrote are way to thick who needs a thousand metaphos to figure out you shouldnt be a dick and i dont watch you when you sleep surprisingly i dont use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep youre not going to heaven why the fuck would you think id ever kick it with you none of you are going to heaven theres a trillion aliens cooler then you you shouldnt abstain from rape just cos you think that i want you to you shouldnt rape cos rape is a fucked up thing to do pretty obvious just dont fucking rape people didnt think i needed to write that one down for you i dont think masturbation is obscene its absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing ive ever seen you make my job a living hell i send gays to fix overpopulation boy did that go well youre not going to heaven eat a thousand crackers sing a million hymns none of you are going to heaven youre not my children you are a bad game of sim you shouldnt abstain from pork just cos you think that i want you to you can eat pork cos why the fuck would i give a shit i created the universe you think im drawing the line at the fucking deli isle    you argue and you bicker and you fight atheists and catholics jews and hindus argue day and night over what they think is true but no one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you you pray so badly for heaven knowing any day might be the day that you die but maybe life on earth could be heaven doesnt just the thought of it make it worth a try my loves the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it you wont need it my loves the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it you wont need it im not gonna give you love just cos i know that you want me to if you want love then the love has gotta come from you     walking between the micorphones is really awkward tell me about it um women are stupid yeah i fucking said it they are the weaker dumber sex i can prove it to you i like to practice safe sex why cos im a guy and im smarter what do women say every time every time i put on a condom what do they say why are you wearing a condom im fucking you with a strapon to be safe bitch women right theyre the dumb ones its time for a story lets do a story  its time for a story its time for a story a very special story especially for you its time for a story its time for a story sit down and listen now dont be a jew this story is called its a glitch you can be jewish this story this story is called andy the frog featuring long and convoluted similes and ill warn you when one of those long and convoluted similes rears its old head so here we go once upon a time there was a frog name andy  andy lived at the patent park pond and he never hopped anywhere else in his entire frog life he had three best friends milly who never left her lily pad  billy who was always hopping mad and roger who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn  so one day one day andy saw something hop across the grass on the other side of the pond milly billy roger look said andy across the pond stood the most beautiful frog andy had ever seen shes gorgeous said milly shes beautiful said billy a bit old for my taste said roger classic roger and then she was gone i need to go find her said andy i need to follow my little frog heart so andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest he then came across a turtle you cant pass said the turtle please said andy no said the turtle and this is the first long convoluted simile then there was a rustling in the bushes and like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle    andy kept moving but at this point like the doctor of the kenyan track team his patience ran thin andy kept moving  he then came across a giant crocodile and the crocodile began to chant i woke up this morning and i sat on a log i opened up the menu the menu said frog  andy said no no please let go of me i can feel my self dying youre ripping out my insides im never going to find her am i theres no god is there fuck fuck the end the end so thats the end of that story    if you are curious the moral of that story is irrelevant cos we are humans why would it apply to us um you know my father is so hard to get along with cos hes such a mans man you know he believes like for example you should always fight fire with fire which is a horrible way to live your life especially for him because hes a firefighter so he was fired that was as stupid as we get but lets get a little stupider ha theres a creepy old man fishing in a park and the only problem is he tied a candy bar to the end of his line hes trying to catch a kid you know that stuff trying to get a little more mainstream  um people complain about the way i act on stage very often you know they say like i repeat jokes or they also say that they say they dont get again that this is an act on stage they think on stage i act too arrogant too selfobsessed solipsistic selfcontained synonyms and they want me to be they want me to be a comic of the people you know relate to the people with the overarching glue of comedy so i want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys im like you guys you know once a week i like to slip into a deep existential depression where i loose all my sense of oneness and self worth haha and what i like to do in order to assure my self that i am unique and not just one of many small white indistinguishable perfectly cylindric checker pieces in jesus and satans backgammon game is i will ill say a group a words that i think no one has ever said in that order so that when i say it i feel like look at me participating in this new moment that no ones ever been a part of so ill say something random like like peanutbutter tribadism or im your father and i loved your comedy show or at first i wasnt comfortable leaving him alone with my children but then i saw his mustache phew or um or yo check out this amish website or um or i work at a toll booth and i dont want to kill my self or thats too too real or yo man lifes about three things man three things gettin money gettin pussy and the dewey decimal system or um or hey can you hold my fanny pack im gonna go fuck a woman    um if i could break i want to tank you all for being here because i im so grateful that youd all come here and spend an hour of your time with me and if you are watching at home or whatever on a computer or something if you have made it this far that you very much for watching genuinely i this is my favorite thing to do and im so grateful for people watching it and enjoying it um ok i will now recede back into my stage persona   i just blacked out for  seconds thank you for coming love songs used to be so beautiful you know let us go then you and i when the evening is spread out against the sky like a patient etherised upon a table t s eliot beautiful love songs now a days just as beautiful guys usher justin bieber  you know them but these new artists theyve done something very strange to the format of the love song theyve changed it a bit and i try to capture how theyve changed the format of the love song with this love song i hope you enjoy it and mark the differences jason derulo i love your hair i love your name i love the way you say it i love your heart and youre so smart cos you gave away it i love your sis i love your dad and i love your mom but more then all of that i love the fact that you are dumb enough to not realise everything ive said has been said before in a thousand ways in a thousand songs sung with the same four chords but youll still love it and let me finger you yeaaa finger you finger you oh girl i hope you dont think that im rude when i tell you that i love you boo i also hope that see through this cleverly constructed ruse designed by a marketing team cashing in on puberty and low self esteem and girls desperate need to feel loved america says we love a chorus but dont get complicated and bore us though meaning might be missin we need to know the words after just one listen so repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff yeah oh you know it i love my baby and you know i could not live without her but now i need to make every girl think this songs about her just to make sure that they spread it like the plague so i describe my dream girl as really really vague like i love your hands cos your fingerprints are like no other i love your eyes and their blueishbrownishgreenish color i love it when you smile that you smile wide and i love how your torso has a arm on either side if youre my agent you might be thinking oh no sound the alarm youre not appealing to little girls who dont have arms but they cant use itunes so fuck them who needs them oh girl i ho oh hello satan  satan you taste so good repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff everybody  repeat stuff  repeat stuff  repeat stuff  repeat stuff cmon louder i cant hear you  repeat stuff  repeat stuff  repeat stuff  repeat stuff    young ones listen up im in magazines full of model teens so far above you so read them and hate your self and pay me to tell you i love you  and your parents will always come along because their little girl is in love and how can love be wrong how can love be wrong when you repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff repeat stuff rep  i am a vessel   illuminati we know its not right we know its not funny but well stop beating this dead horse when it stops spiting out money but until then we will repeat stuff    thank you so much you guys have been um you guys have been absolutely amazing youve been absolutely amazing thats the end of the show i probably should have ended it on a sort of higher note there but yeah thats the end of what i hope you liked it  bo  oh my god  how are you  i have not seen you  since like freshman year  oh my god  you were so like skinny  and weird back then  but now youre um  anyway um  you should totally come  to this party im having tonight  with some of my college friends  its gonna be off the chain hook  its gonna be so good  you can play some songs for us  or something  ive been telling everybody  how good a friends we were  back in the day  i know we never talked  or hung out ever but um  i think thats what made  our friendship so special you know  anyway text me ok bye  mr burnham  how you doing  good good  im a im a agent  from out los angeles  really dig your stuff man  its out there you know  i totally get it  and the best part about it man  you got all these young fans  and which is great  because young people  theyre theyre very passionate  theyre very um reliable consumers  but what you gotta do  in order to take your career  to the next level  you gotta cater more heavily to them  alright weve done studies  young people do not respond  to this you know introspective material  these challenges to the form you know  young people want jokes  they can relate to ok  so write a  write a silly song about facebook  you know write some jokes  about twitter  or sugary cereal  or razor scooters  relate to them  you know also  you gotta reestablish your presence  on the internet buddy alright  its not important weather  the material is good or not  whats important is  that you keep the bo burnham brand  alive and well  you get it cool  well discuss more later  i know its a lot  my number is    fag  what up dude  whats up how are you man  youve changed bro  youve changed  i never knew you  but my friends old room mates friend  said he knew you in highschool  and that you became a real asshole  once all this comedy stuff started happening  what is it man  you think you are better then us  you think you are better then us  just because you are tall  woah congrats man you are tall  wow thats incredible  woah you want a trophy  for being tall  you wonna we should just give  trophies to tall things  and every tree and building  will have a trophy  does that make sense  yo why are you acting  all quiet and weird right now  yo i know why you are  its cos you are an arrogant prick  thats why an arrogant fucking prick  i once herd that you  actually act quiet because  you are shy and introverted in real life  and that people should not expect  you to act the same way  off stage as you do on stage  ha ha yeah yeah  that makes no sense  anyway you wanna buy some weed  bo oh my god  bo oh my god bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo oh my god  mr burnham bo bo  fag bo oh my god mr burnham bo bo fag bo oh my god mr burnham   i am satan lord of darkness    what the hell   youre not gonna hit the girl  thats sexist  we think youve changed bro  we know best  you suck we think youve changed bro we know best you suck we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you we think we know you ��5w
X�this is dave he tells dirty jokes for a living that stare is where most of his hard work happens it signifies a profound train of thought the alchemists fire that transforms fear and tragedy into levity and livelihood dave calls that look the trance ♪ play me ♪ ♪ buy me ♪ ♪ workinonit ♪ ♪ tune up ♪ ♪ tune ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ fade me ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ thank you thank you very much thank you all oh wow that was exciting wasnt it thank you guys have a seat feel comfortable relax i want to thank everyone in la for a wonderful week its been great here you know what its been ten years since the last time i played los angeles if you can imagine i know i know ive been gone for a very long time and unbeknownst to you it was a difficult ten years im not gonna take you through all the agony ive been through but it was tough some of it you mightve seeni dont know if you ever saw on tmz the big headline dave chappelle drunk onstage in detroit well if you saw it i wasnt drunk i had smoked some reefer with some rappers yeah i dont know if you know anything about hanging out with rappers but their weed is very strong stronger than i what i was accustomed to the article goes on to say i was booed offstage which is also incorrect i was booed i did not leave it was a long bomb it was a fucking nightmare two puffs of weed thats all it was two puffs i never had that happen where i take two puffs of weed i looked at the guy next to me i was like im gonna bomb nigga i can feel it and that guy called my name dave chappelle niggas was like normally when you do a comedy show– you guys dont know what it looks like up here but niggas be just looking up at you like thats how the show started didnt take long for their faces to switch up like what the fuck they started looking amongst themselves so i knew i wasnt doing good i dont remember what i was saying it just took one person to break the ice it was a black lady with a ford motor shirt on stood up suddenly fuck you dave chappelle i said excuse me she said i worked all week for this shit and this show sucks and in a weird act of racial harmony a conservative white guy stood up and backed her up yeah the whole crowd banded together and started chanting we want our money back we want our money back i said oh shit i snapped out of it good people of detroit hear me hear me now you will never get your fucking money back fuck that i said im like evel knievel i get paid for the attempt i didnt promise this shit would be good boo they said fuck youthis went on for a long time and then after the show i felt so bad i took half of the money from the show– thousands of dollars– i said im gonna give this to charity you know what i did i bought  worth of bubble gum and drove around detroit and handed it out to the homeless so they could chew it and still be hungry i was very mad at detroit that night because not only did i bomb i had to go back to the very same room the next night and do it all over again fucking nightmarethat would be like if you were having sex with a woman and for some reason– this would never happen– but for some reason she had a mousetrap in her pussy you get caught in the trap and then youve got to fuck her again tomorrow night id still do it but id be careful the next time the old mousetrapinthepussy trick eh fool me once yeah yeah it was a tough time and i wanted to give up sometimes i almost did give up but then right before i gave up i decided not to but i made the call they answered the phone hello dancing with the stars i said not yet not yet yeah if you see me on that shit its over trust me my spirit is broken if you see me waiting for them judges getting critiqued on my chacha fuck that ive been hanging out in– i havent been working in la but i come out here and hang out and shit i was out here a few weeks ago i almost got arrested im not bullshitting this happens to a lot of black people what happened was i was coming out of one of those nightclubs in hollywood and my friend saw me i guess i was wobbling or something so he just rolled up hes a good friend of mine hes like hey dave give me the keys i was like all right nigga just take the keys and i got in the passengers side of my car and he drove it it was fine just talking chopping it up and then on the  the blueandwhites hit us now i should tell you the friend that was driving me was black which really doesnt have anything to do with the story other than to let you know there was fear in the car not my fear im black but im also dave chappelle so i figured you know shit will probably be fine traffic stop started off on the right foot the cops came up to the drivers side hi how are you guys doing tonight and he recognized me immediately oh dave chappelle and i looked at my friend like were getting out of this shit and then he says you guys were swerving in the lane do you mind just stepping out of the car for a second still no cause for alarm i looked through the rearview mirror the body language of the arrest looked good just talking so then i started fucking with the radio you know a traffic stop is going good if youre listening to the radio when someone else is outside of the car but then when i looked back in the rearview mirror something had gone horribly wrong that motherfucker was back there like and the next thing i knew they were stuffing him in the back of the car and i thought what anybody would think in a situation like that oh my god what is gonna happen to me and the police walked up to the window mr chappelle we had to arrest your friend he refused to take our breathalyzer test i said that motherfucker not complying thats odd so officer whats gonna happen to me youre fine were just gonna have to ask you to step out of the car so we can impound the vehicle and well arrange for you to have a ride home i said oh well no i would rather you just give me the keys he said mr chappelle your friend already told us hes your designated driver we cant let you drive in this condition i was like no nigga im good and then suddenly the shit turned into vegas he was like ill let you blow for it i said excuse me he said if you blow in my breathalyzer– i said oh nigga i thought you was trying to get your dick sucked whats the– whew whew if you blow in my breathalyzer and pass ill give you the keys to the car i said uh set em up nigga lets play and i blew in that thing and it made a noise beep i said uhoh and he looked at it he said oh well mr chappelle i guess youre free to go i said i am i didnt know that thing didnt pick up weed i drove home on the miles an hour yeah it all worked out it all worked out im one of the lucky onesit doesnt work out that well for everybody i saw that videotape of that lady that got beat up in la in traffic you see that shit on rush hour traffic they beat a black womans ass this woman didnt even do anything wrong its fucked up it was so fucked up it didnt even go to court the city of la just gave that woman  million for her pain and suffering that is not bad considering thats the same amount of money that marcos maidana made to fight floyd mayweather the second time and this woman obviously hasnt trained a day in her life you can see it on the tape she didnt come to fight her guards were low she was taking a lot of shots everybodys mad at police now i watched that– you see that shit on netflix making a murderer the steven avery story if you havent seen it check it out steven avery is in more trouble than any white person in the history of the united states has ever been in in a justice system designed for him to thrive hes failed miserably twice i cant even wrap my mind around it if making a murderer was about a black dude that shit would be called duh of course everything would go wrong seems like he did it all right the motherfucker even had  for his legal defense that should get you off in wisconsin thats like oj money all he needed to get off that he didnt have was a single black juror thats all it wouldve took because only a black dude in the united states can look at other dudes and be like i think the police did this shit hes fucked up in the game thats how oj got off ive been watching that new oj show i cant get enough of that shit doesnt it bring back good memories but i forgot just how polarizing that oj case was and you know ive met oj simpson on four different occasions in my life and before the end of the show i will tell you about each of those occasions the first time i met oj simpson i was in santa monica santa monica yeah i cant believe a black dude was like santa monica you the last nigga i would expect to say that let me see your shoes you got some vans on nigga what you got santa monica you at the time i was  i had done a show and the guy from the club came up and was like hey oj simpsons here and he said he wants to meet you i said what fuck yeah i ran down the steps and oj was down there hes like hey young man how are you its very good to meet you and youre doing really good work and i hope good things happen for you in your life i was like man thanks mr juice standing beside him was– i dont know the nice way to say this– his soontobeslain wife ladies and gentlemen man the fuck up or youre not gonna make it to the end of this show just man the fuck up shes dead we already know what happened we dont know who did it but we know what happened i should tell you that woman was very nice to me she actually embraced me she said i think youre adorable and she hugged me she goes good luck to you and she held me for a long time and i whispered in her ear bitch are you trying to get us both killed im just kidding i didnt say that but that was the first time in a nutshell its good to see so many so many different people here from so many different ethnicities very diverse crowd looks like you thought bernie sanders was gonna come out in this motherfucker but surprise its me yeah yeah you know im happy really to see black people come a lot of black people dont fuck with me like they used to but theres a few reasons you dont see black people at my shows one is because obviously black people have slower internet connections i mean that would be my guess i dont know what– actually my own actions drew a wedge between me and the community i hold so dear a couple of weeks ago i was supposed to be in flint michigan for a charity benefit that was supposed to raise awareness for the appalling condition of the water in flint i dont know if you know this but the water in flint is fucking poisonous its actually making people sick hollywood people are like so what at least they have water but this water– this water is fucked up so a lot of black celebrities flew into flint and they did a tremendous charity benefit and i was on the schedule to appearuh so the reason a lot of people havent heard about this benefit– it was the same day as the oscars right i know so i was on my way to the airport to go to flint and then chris rock calls me and is like hey dave i got a ticket for you for the oscars can you make it and i was like sure nigga im on my way to the airport right now come on man what am i gonna do about that water what am i a fucking superhero i need to have fun i need to live too i didnt fuck that water up stevie wonder was there they didnt need me im sorry everybody id never been to the oscars youve seen the movies i make i was excitedi knew i was gonna get into some trouble because when i was walking on the red carpet the black press came after me excuse me brother when you hear somebody call you brother too much something terrible is about to happen excuse me brother brother and i looked back and the motherfucker had a tuxedo with the kente cloth tie i said uhoh he said i just want to ask you a couple questions i said what publication are you with he said me im with the daily bongo i said daily bongo what the fuck who the fuck reads this he said listen brother i just want to ask you a quick question you understand that this year this is a boycott for the oscars so im just wondering what made you of all people cross the motherfucking picket line and be here tonight i said boycott nigga i havent been working in ten years what do you mean boycott ive been on strike yall niggas didnt stop working i had to watch fucking key and peele do my show every night so fuck the daily bongo is what i said i went to the oscars and had a wonderful time i went in that fucking green room it was filled with so many stars i couldnt even believe what i was seeing hollywood was seducing me all over again i was sitting back there im smoking drinking with the starsand then two hollywood movie producers came over right to me oh my god dave chappelle said the leader one he was obviously gay some guys you can just tell the other one seemed like a money guy maybe he was from texas or some shit but the gay one was definitely the leader because he did all the talking and then he hit me with so david um do you have any movie ideas that you would like to pursue the truth is i dont but if you know the game youre not supposed to tell motherfuckers you dont have ideas i was like yeah man i got plenty of ideas and he called my bluff really like what huh oh um umand then i just started making up shit that i thought maybe hed like to see i said i have a superhero idea he goes really i go yeah hes a– hes a gay superhero he was like really whats it called huh oh its called– its called same hero new boots its about a gay souschef in san francisco that gets bit by a radioactive rat on his shift when hes taking out the trash and is blessed with powers beyond his wildest dreams supersonic gay kind of powers and he starts saving everybody in san francisco but at first he only saves gay people later he saves everybody and the whole city just falls in love with him the only problem is no one remembers him when he saves them well i dont understand why wouldnt they remember him i said because dummy hes gay he keeps changing his outfit people come up– thanks for saving me sir whats your name anyway hes like same hero new boots and that motherfucker flies awayhe was like i like it a lot the texan didnt like that shit at all he was upset thats impossible a gay superhero i said what well i have others i have a superhero youd love cause hes stronger than superman and he fights for truth justice and the american way like superman but more than superman he beats up mexicans for no reason the texans like you got my attention im like man this motherfuckers so strong he can fly and do all this great shit only problem with this guy is he cant even activate his powers unless he touches– unless he touches a womans vagina not a long touch just a couple of pats he said well whats the problem with that i said the problem sir is that our hero is not a handsome man and hes often short on cash so whenever trouble breaks out he has to run around the city and convince women to let him pat their vaginas please miss that buildings on fire can i pat your vagina quickly people are dying but he cant tell them exactly why eww get away youre gross please miss people are dying just a couple of pats eww gross get away so he rapes themi know i know thats the dilemma for the audience because he rapes but he saves a lot of lives and he saves way more than he rapes and he only rapes to save but he does rape i didnt realize it but the whole green room was looking at us all the celebrities were disgusted ohh that guy from texas was like heres my card call me on monday that worked out the second time i met oj simpson it was right after the trial of the century there i was now a young man of probably  oj simpson was the most famous or infamous face on planet earth i was in a restaurant in beverly hills with my agents i wasnt alone in the restaurant but i was alone i was the only black person in the restaurant and in the s that felt very uncomfortable now i tend to enjoy it at this age i was having dinner with my agents celebrating a deal that they told me was lucrative but i later learned fucking sucked and suddenly a group of women walked by every race was in that group black white asian latina white white and white again they were all gorgeous i watched them walk by then i saw a familiar face al cowlings the man from the infamous bronco chase walked by and embraced one of the women and they walked towards the door couldnt believe what i saw and then close behind him was oj simpson newly released from jail the restaurant fell still i was shocked i didnt mean to say it out loud but it just came out oj he stopped turned around to see who said it saw my black face and correctly assumed it was me i was sitting in the corner of the booth he leaned over all the white people i was having dinner with and shook my hand how are you young man he looked in my eyes and i could see in his eyes that he didnt remember meeting me the first time and then he walked away and i looked back at my agents and all of them had nothing short of disgust on their faces and the only one with the courage to voice their disgust was a woman named sharon who used to represent me how could you she said how could you shake hands with that murderer i said sharon with all due respect that murderer ran for over  yards and he was acquitted so you know fuck it the glove didnt fit the glove didnt fit get over yourself some people cant do that some people just cant get over themselves gay people have a hard time doing that recently here we go here comes the deep water no recently ive noticed that i noticed it with that manny pacquiao controversy yeah it was– now in the gay communitys defense manny pacquiao said some outlandish shit about gay people very not nice things that i wont repeat but there was biblical verses and some analogies to animals it wasnt a good look nike took his shoes immediately which i thought was a little harsh a little harsh you know what i mean just cause hes asian you know what i mean how the fuck are you gonna take the shoes off an asian dude to appease a gay dude you know what i mean no you dont know what i mean but asian people kind of know what i mean no no asians in the front no no this is what i mean look youre an asian dude– i say this with no disrespectwere all americans right and we can agree that america has a huge body count all over the world but nowhere more than asia literally if you look at history recently we have bombed the masculinity out of an entire continent we dropped two atomic bombs on fucking japan and theyve been drawing hello kitty and shit ever since theres a lot of ladyboys in the wake of our bombs and i know these things because my wife is asian shes filipino all right okay so that explains it now you know why you see me at all those filipino events im not there picking up pussy im dropping some off i take my wife to all that shit i took my wife to see pacquiao fight mayweather we sat ringside okay that– yeah that was a quiet car ride home thats what that wasbut if you know whats popping in the philippines you know that they got a whole generation of kids in the philippines growing up without their mothers yes a lot of women in the philippines go to the arabian peninsula they come to the united states they make all their money here they send all that money back home which is still one of the numberone staples in the philippines economy– money that the expats send back to the philippines the men on the other hand are left rearing children twiddling their thumbs waiting on their wives checks these men have been fucking emasculatedand then suddenly a boxer rises from amongst them and reinstates their manhood with his motherfucking fist this is not the guy youre supposed to ask what do you think of homosexuals hes not your champ shit thats why i dont have a sneaker deal cause if you say something that people dont like theyll take your fucking shoes offif martin luther king had a sneaker deal wed still be on the back of the bus its true the nike exec would come up– hi martin uh we need you to tone down the talk of civil rights and blacks being humans its upsetting our southern distributors but i dont understand i thought thats why i had a sneaker deal in the first place not quite really its a walking shoe and we like the marching but try to understand fuck that shityou know i get it though i understand why gay people are mad and i empathize you know what im just telling you this as a black dude i support your movement but if you want to take some advice from a negro pace yourself these things take a while just cause they passed the law doesnt mean theyre gonna like it brown v board of education was in somebody called me a nigger in traffic last wednesday it takes a minute my wifes friend stewart told me that my wife has a lot of gay friends stewarts their leader she has a lot of gay friends and i dont like em not cause theyre gay im just judging them on the merits of their character theyre just not nice dudes theyre fucking rude houseguests theyre sitting on my couch giggling with my wife eating my motherfucking macaroons then i come in and they act like the partys over hey stewart whats going on this guy talks to me the way a cat would speak if a cat could talk hi david stewart whats all the beef man whats going– he always wants to have some kind of gay political argument the last one was about a petition in federal court to take the words husband and wife out of the law i said why would you want those words out of the law he said because it discriminates against samesex couples i was like niggas please save me the semantics just trust me take your chips and get the fuck out of the casino youre about to crap out just go outside talk that over amongst yourselves and whichever one of you is gayer thats the wife no no stewart didnt like that stewart educates me about this movement i didnt even know shit about it he told me its called lbgtq i was like what the fuck is the q does that even make sense q turns out q is like the vowels that shit is sometimes y its for gay dudes that dont really know theyre gay like prison fags who are like what im not gay nigga im just sucking these dicks to pass the time im not g im q ugh i think– okay again of all those letters the t has the toughest road ahead in fact i think the t should stand for tough road ahead theyve got the longest mental gap to bridge thats all im saying because whenever i see one of them ts on the street i dont mind them but ill be like man i miss bruce im sorry guys im  i remember bruce jenner before the kardashians before all that this motherfucker was a white american superhero it was amazing he was beating africans at track and field wed never seen anything like it he was on my cereal box growing up you know how much of that cereal i ate nigga i didnt know he was gonna do that i knew before you guys knew i heard things on the street in hollywood youd just be out see people hey whats up kanye why the long face nigga youll see i got two motherinlaws now and when i heard he was gonna do it i was scared i didnt think the public was ready i didnt think the media was ready and you know what i was wrong not only did the public embrace him but the media was nice id never seen anything like it welcome to the world caitlyn so long bruce hello caitlyn i was shocked is this happeningwait a minute is this a time in american history where an american can make a decision for themselves and even though other americans dont understand it theyll support it and let this person live a happy life is this whats happening if it is then good for america thats dave chappelle the american although dave chappelle the black american he was a little jealous i was like how the fuck are transgender people beating black people in the discrimination olympics if the police shot half as many transgenders as they did niggas last year thered be a fucking war in la i know black dudes in brooklyn– hard street motherfuckers– that wear high heels just to feel safe transgenders are gangsters i used to do business with a transgender in hollywood man everybody would be scared of her in the boardroom shed walk in there newlyminted woman high heels purse wouldnt say anything to us just walk around the conference table looking mean and shit then shed walk to the head of the conference table stare at us all reach in her purse pull her old dick out and throw it on the table lets talk business gentlemen aaah shit is scary as fuck if your best friend pitched that to you youd be horrified yo nigga lets go to the hospital and cut our dicks off and make pussies out of them shits what cant we just get matching jackets or tattoos or something you sure thats what you want to do theres only way to find out nigga wutang pow pow lets go to the club and trick niggas into fucking us yeah the third time i met oj simpson— the third time i met oj simpson i was doing great in life id just finished the second season of chappelles show man those were good days i was playing a comedy club in miami the improv i dont know if youve ever been but if you have youd know the door for the green room is right on the stage can you imagine such a thing if i walked out of the door of the green room bam i was right here right from the dressing room and i did that i walked out and the whole crowd was like hooray and i looked– maam as close as you are to me– i saw him as soon as i came out the juice and i saw recognition in his eyes and it filled me with pride that he knew who i was i didnt acknowledge his presence because it was a white audience and i didnt want to start a panic but i did my show the show went great i said good night everyone they all said yay and i didnt say nothing to oj but i just gave him the signal to let him know i knew he was there and i walked into the green room and oj was already in there i was like how the fuck is this possible i was scared and then my friends came in and we all started talking we sat down on the couch and im just telling you what i saw with my own eyes you can believe me or not believe me but in my experience oj simpson– one of the nicest men id ever met he was nice to me he was nice to my friends the conversation was filled with warmth and levity humor and wisdom we talked for minutes and then suddenly the juice said you know what ive got to be going but its good to see you again and im glad things went so well i said thanks juice and my friends said yeah goodbye mr juice they were new to the game he said no thank you for your hospitality good night guys and we said good night and he just walked out of the room and as soon as the door closed we all looked at each other like that nigga did that shit did you feel that i could feel like murder in the room well you young heads missed that shit youre all too young you dont remember that how old are you young man you twentyfour twentyfour you dont know shit you dont know shit you gotta google shit that i lived through see this is why i lock motherfuckers phones up seriously because the young kids you guys need to take a break from that– we all need to break just from that technology just for a minute you know im from a different time young man a dark time to you im from a time that i didnt even used to know who was on the phone until i answered the shit like when tragedy used to strikei remember i was  years old and the teacher wheeled a television set into the classroom you remember these days and she turned it on to one of three channels and she said class the space shuttle is taking off and were all gonna watch it take off man that shit was going great for like three to five minutes thats right you remember it fucking exploded right on television everybody on board dead immediately presumed dead it was so bad the teacher looked at all the kids and was like you can go home it was a goddamn national tragedy this was cold war america the russians were laughing at us my point is for a guy your age wouldnt even know the pain because in your generation its like the space shuttle blows up every fucking day how can you care about anything when you know every goddamn thing im getting over one cop shooting and then another one happens and then another one happens and another one happens im crying about paris and then brussels happens i cant keep track of all this shit so you just give the fuck up thats the hallmark of your generation and thats fucked up because your generation lives in the most difficult time in human history this is the age of spin the age where nobody knows what the fuck theyre even looking at did you know that planned parenthood was for abortions its for people that dont plan things out at all thats right so a guy your age doesnt really know how he feels are you prochoice are you anticonsequences what does it all really mean its easier not to care for you but for us we were trained to care we were raised that way i used to watch a fucking cartoon when i was growing up called care bears it was about a fucking group of teddybear people they were like teddy bears but they were like people and they were all different colors and they all fucking just walked around caring they cared about each other and everything else they all had different designs on their stomachs and the designs told you something about what they might be like inside very very loving group of beings and when shit got real bad as nice as those teddy bears were they didnt get mean faces they got determined hmm and the leader would say come on guys its time for the care bear stare remember that shit and them little teddy bears would lock arms and stare at the problem– and im not even bullshitting– actual love would shoot out of their chests and would dispel anything that was fucked up and when we grew up we wanted to be like those bears and then we got our hearts broken because we found out that life wasnt gonna let us do that and that its impossible to shoot love out of your chest however i have shot love onto somebodys chest before i do it all the time its the next best thing you kids dont know your generation is just determined to be angry mad everybodys mad back when we were growing up only black people were mad now everybodys just trying to get in on the act i try to think to myself when did everyone get mad and then i realize this happened before we were born this is a long way to go but it probably started in the second world war think about it all these black men millions of black men leave the united states for the first time go over to europe with americas armed forces and fight the nazis and make more money fighting nazis than they ever dreamed they would make in the united states and a lot of those men while they were in europe– just to be real not to be crass– a lot of them probably got their dicks sucked by white women im sorry ladies and gentlemen this was world war ii europe and these were desperate times and penises were being sucked for shoelaces and chocolate and very frivolous things and its very hard to come back to america and sit on the back of the bus after youve been in the south of france getting your dick sucked for a crunch bar or some crazy shit like that thats a lifechanging experience and while that was happening in europe here in america for the first time women entered the workforce en masse by the millions all the men were gone someone had to run the factory the ladies did it thats right this was the first generation of american women to have independent income en masse and when the men came back the women werent the same american women had grown they were uttering phrases that no woman on earth had ever spoken before things like no and shut the fuck up and i dont feel like itand then behind the scenes of that there was a littleknown government agency that started testing mind control drugs on the american public they fucked up they tested it for  years they didnt realize these drugs were not mindcontrolling they were mindexpanding it was lsd and mescaline and shit like that and for the first time there was a new school of thought that was chemically induced that made people question the very society they lived in by  the president of the united states was only  years old can you imagine dmx is older than that and he was gonna usher in a new era of peace he was gonna avoid the cold war he was gonna end segregation and they blew his fucking brains out in front of everyone in dallas this country was never the same there were seven more major assassinations in the  anyone that stood up and said anything was shot down in the streets like a fucking dog kennedy kennedy king x evers on and on you didnt even have to be famous you could be a college student at kent state or in mississippi protesting the vietnam war and they shot them too the  were a wild era and while all this was going on bill cosby raped  people holy shit thats a lot of rapes man this guys putting up real numbers hes like the steph curry of rape man thats a lot of rapes fiftyfour if he had raped less people thats still two dozen rapes dont forget each one of these rapes has eight hours of sleep in it ladies and gentlemen thats over hours of rape it only takes hours to get a pilots license if rapes were aircrafts this nigga is top gun for sureyeah thats a tough one and i was onstage not too long ago i was in syracuse new york yeah well yeah for syracuse but the show didnt go so good all because i was talking about bill cosby a little bit not a little bit ill be honest i talked about him for like minutes and a woman stood up in the back of the room and she screamed out you are a fucking asshole for saying these things i know instantly i felt bad not bad about what i was saying i just felt bad like oh thats too bad she doesnt like the show i didnt realize it at first but not only did she say that she was rushing the stage by the time i saw her i just saw this shadowy figure fucking charging up the aisle towards me in full fight mode i was horrified i said oh my god im gonna kick this bitch in the face lucky for me i didnt have to security tackled her but it was a really fucking horrifying scene a scuffle ensued and then finally she screamed out to me women suffer i said i know and ladies i need you to know that i know i need you to know seriously theres a lot of men in this room that identify themselves as feminists i would include myself in that dont ever forget we all have mothers and daughters and sisters and wives and we want to see all these women do well and not be held back by their gender theres a lot of men like that in this room theres a lot of men like that in the world or as we are known on the streets bitchass niggas but as this woman was wrestling and screaming at me i started to take offense and ill be honest race was involved she was a young white woman wellintentioned but just not thinking it all the way through bitch how the fuck are you going to yell at a black man about discrimination she didnt get it she just kept going women suffer i know women suffer same team women suffer i know and this is when she went too far we suffer just like you slow your roll bitch you suffer yes but not like me not like us she goes suffering is suffering whats the difference i said come on white woman you know what it is you was in on the heist you just dont like your cut you suffer i suffer you suffer i suffer thats how it workscant do comparative suffering if youre hungry and your friend says you know people are starving in africa so what nigga i still want lunch black people know about comparative suffering and you know that its a fucking deadend game blacks and jews do that shit to each other all the time you ever played who suffered more with a jewish person its a tough game whenever you think youve got the jewish guy on the ropes that motherfucker will be like well dont forget about egypt egypt god damn nigga i didnt know we was going all the way back to egypt what the fuck is wrong with her what does she think does she think that i dont know that rape is wrong does she think that maybe i dont have empathy for bill cosbys alleged victims and i would be remiss if i didnt remind you that technically these are all still allegations although i admit it looks very bad perhaps if she looked at it correctly she would have empathy for me the man she was attacking a  black comedianobviously bill cosby was a hero to me and she doesnt know what it feels like to think that your hero mightve done something so heinous my god you cant imagine itd be as if you heard that chocolate ice cream itself had raped  people youd say to yourself oh man but i like chocolate ice cream i dont want it to rape didnt want to believe it at first i didnt believe it i said these people are obviously trying to destroy dr cosbys rich legacy even  allegations into it i was still like man he probably only raped ten or  of those people i know i know but its really tough you guys are young imagine if you found out  years from now that kevin hart raped  people youd be like oh my god the only one that would believe that would be katt williams hed be like i knew that motherfucker was up to something i knew kevin had raped those people you know i was mad at kevin too though you know why okay first of all i didnt even know kevin was as successful as he was i found that shit out the hard way i was at home when my son busted in he said dad i need  hes only years old so i freaked out whats going on nigga is somebody trying to kill you he said no no kevin harts coming to town and i wanted to see his show i said how much are the tickets he said theyre  i said god damn mine are only  i said why do you need  then he goes because i want to go with you dad please and there it is so i took him to the show and we go we sit right up front the lights go down and one opening act after another goes on then kevin takes the stage the crowd goes fucking nuts thousands of people i was furious the longer the show went on the madder i got because his show was fucking outstanding it was maddening these people were fucking holding their stomachs my son was slapping his knee im like damn nigga i do this too kevin says good night the crowd goes crazy and then everyone starts walking to his door and the lights come on and then my son is just standing there looking at an empty stage people are pushing past me and nobodys recognizing me im like man this place fucking sucks i said come on son lets get out of here then my son looks back at me and says dad please please i have to meet him i was like oh my god so i took him backstage ive known kevin for years but can you believe i was scared to knock on his dressing room door i almost said son i havent seen him for a long time and one of kevins goons opened the door hey whats up dave chappelle what are you doing man its good to see you brother what are you doing in this area this is a terrible area im like actually i live around here listen is kevin here my son just wanted to meet him real quick i dont know cause kevins about to eat dinner just then kevin came around the corner to see who it was what oh shit whats up dave come on back i was just about to have dinner i dont know if you guys ate but youre welcome to join me if youd like and then my son pushed passed me it was some cold shit he goes actually mr hart we havent eaten in several hours man kevin took us into his back room this guy had a fucking spread it was tuesday night this motherfucker was having sunday dinner there were steaks chops corn with butter all over it my son was eating all fast embarrassing me i was like slow down son he was like then i looked over in the corner and there was a box of custommade jerseys for the local team each one was handstitched and on the back they stitched on khart on all of them kevin saw me staring at that box and he went over and grabbed one of them jerseys and he walked right to my son he said hey little man i want you to have this and my son was like thanks mr hart this is when i got mad he goes if your father ever makes you mad put that on and he walked out oh that was some cold shit then i realized– i looked up what kevin made on google i couldnt believe that shit kevin is the first comedian that a drake song could be about kevin could walk around his house and sing all me and the whole song would still be true ♪ got everything i got everything ♪ ♪ i cannot complain i cannot ♪ ♪ i dont even know how much i really made ♪ ♪ i forgot its a lot ♪ ♪ fuck that never mind what i got ♪ and his wife will be like kevin come to bed hell be like ♪ ho shut the fuck up ♪ ♪ i got way too much– ♪ you know how much money you have to have to tell a girl to shut the fuck up i have quiet please money at best id have to take a loan out for shut the fuck up shut the fuck up– thats jay z money and beyoncé got no you shut the fuck up money lets not forget lets not forget ive never met bill cosby so im not defending him lets just remember that he has a valuable legacy that i cant just throw away i remember that hes the first black man to ever win an emmy in television i also remember that hes the first guy to make a cartoon with black characters where their lips and noses were drawn proportionately i remember that he had a television show that got numbers equivalent to the super bowl every thursday night and i remember that he partnered up with a clinical psychologist to make sure that there was not one negative image of africanamericans on his show im telling you thats no small thing ive had a television show i wouldnt have done that shit he gave tens of millions of dollars to africanamerican institutions of higher learning and is directly responsible for thousands of black kids going to college not just the ones he raped here comes the kicker you ready heres the fact that i heard but havent confirmed i heard that when martin luther king stood on the steps of the lincoln memorial and said he had a dream he was speaking into a pa system that bill cosby paid for so you understand what im saying the point is this he rapes but he saves and he saves more than he rapes but he probably does rape thank you very much good night ♪ ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ wait wait wait wait wait i forgot the fourth time i met oj simpson the fourth time is not the funniest time but it was the last time id see the juice for some reason i was at the kentucky derby its a very long story this is right after i quit chappelles show in spectacular fashion there was a party hosted by michael jordan and every athlete ive ever admired was in that room yes and then i saw a familiar face by the bar standing there drinking alone it was chris tucker now you have to remember at this time we were both technically missing and we went over and were talking with one another and motherfuckers were amazed to see us together seeing me and chris tucker at that point would be like seeing bigfoot riding a unicorn you wouldnt believe thats what you were seeing and then through all the gawkers a familiar face pushed through the crowd here he was again the juice he had his camera ready he was like dave chris good to see you guys hey come on guys lets all get together for a picture and at the same time me and chris were like no i cant do that sorry juice my career is too flimsy to survive a picture with you thats the end good night ♪ ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ ♪ ahah ♪ ♪ revolution ♪ ♪ ahah ahah ahah ♪ ♪ in every ghetto ♪ one last thing before you go i just wanted to acknowledge for the real comedy fans we cant not acknowledge it we lost a fucking juggernaut in comedy this week so im just shouting out the family and friends of garry shandling much love to you guys my sincerest condolences and for the hiphop fans in the building put two fingers up in the air for a tribe called quest and my man phife dawg may he rest in peace forever and ever thank you for that beautiful music good night everybody thank you twos up twos up hands up hands up twos up were gonna do this for phife i need everybody to rap with me right now ♪ can i kick it ♪ ♪ yes you can ♪ ♪ can i kick it ♪ ♪ yes you can ♪ ♪ can i kick it ♪ ♪ yes you can ♪ ♪ well im gone ♪ ♪ go on then ♪ ♪ can i kick it to my tribe that flows in layers ♪ ♪ right now phife is a poem sayer ♪ ♪ at times im a studio conveyor ♪ ♪ mr dinkins would you please be my mayor ♪ ♪ youll be doing us a really big favor ♪ ♪ boy this track really has a lot of flavor ♪ ♪ when it comes to rhythms quest is your savior ♪ ♪ follow us for the funky behavior ♪ ♪ make a note on the rhythm we gave ya ♪  ♪ feel free drop your pants check your hair ♪ ♪ do you like the garments that we wear ♪ ♪ i instruct you to be the obeyer ♪ ♪ a rhythm recipe that youll savor ♪ ♪ doesnt matter if youre minor or major ♪ ♪ yes the tribe of the game were the player ♪ ♪ as you inhale like a breath of fresh air ♪ im rich biatch�X&�  whats up davis whats up im home i had to bring it back here netflix said where do you want to do the special la chicago new york i was like nah son davis california  this has um this has been a very good year for me i recently got married you guys thank you thank you thank you i need the claps its a very heavy ring very heavy it was a reverse lord of the rings situation i got a ring and then lost my powers which is a very different lord of the rings listening compromise take the ring sam the movie is done in eight minutes its not a  saga we just celebrated our oneyear anniversary so its one year down forever to go which is terrifying to say but you know whats great now its just kind of liberating because i dont give a fuck about any of my single friends i dont care about any of you and it feels great because you guys are at home just swiping for love and complaining oh how do you find people dimples off with his head like a goddamn emperor brunettes not for me im like you work at subway you dont deserve so much choice were getting soft you realize my parents physically never saw each other thirty years ago in a town in india population  – thats a small town – my dad heard a buzz in the streets about this woman named seema my mom and like seema was that chick you guys in  seema could get look at that red langa killing it she was like the iphone  have you heard of seema shes slim her family owns a camera my dad was like a camera so he runs to my grandfathers house and lays it on the line im going to america i want to marry seema yolo in ten minutes the man married a woman he had never laid eyes on you understand thats tinder with no photos  i want that for the rest of my life i hope she has a good personality lets move to the us where were the only people that know each other im so grateful for that decision najmi marries question mark they come to the states i come out popping out of your mom is like real estate its all about location i popped out here anybody brown we popped out here we made it were the rappers that made it whats wild is i never even knew how the whole xmen origins story went down its crazy because we know nothing about our parents and our parents know nothing about us dad your favorite color stanford what no no i want to know more about you why get into stanfordand i think its just that like immigrants love secrets right they love them they love bottling them up deep down and unleashing them on you later when its no longer relevant moms a ninja dads a communist why are you telling me this right now every conversation with my dad is like an m night shyamalan movie its just  minutes of buildup to no payoff  thats the endingso my dad marries my mom they come to the states they have me in davis california but my mom has to go back to india to finish up med school so the first eight years it was just me and my dad just the two of us trying to make it in america minus all the unconditional love brown love is very conditional in the photo hes like you had better get all as like lets be real i grew up here like pioneer i grew up here yeah  but davis was like super white kind of like tonight roll call was a problem it was a big deal for a lot of us – like whats your name – jasura okay what would you get – jasuriah – jasuriah yeah i would get like hanson minaja sahan minha saddam hussein it was my english teacher im not saddam – whats your name – biju – what would you get – a blank stare a blank stare im the only brown kid at school dad is the only brown guy at work in a weird way that brings us together and we have to do everything together try to understand immigrant fathersi still cant understand some of you there are uncles here none of you guys are smiling i dont get it youre going to die laugh why arent you laughing youre always stressed and always tired you could wake up any immigrant father from a  nap and theyd say  why do i have to pay taxes youre like jesus wed do everythingi remember being in the grocery store and wed be walking through the aisles and my dad would pick up yogurt ah yogurt or milk just like ah and id look at him and be like oh man dad hates yogurt  he hates milk but i get that look now life is tough and sometimes you dont know what youre doing he has a little kid and im not making his life any easier im picking up soda and im like ah dont do that im going to live forever then i would trip on my velcro shoes and i would drop the soda and it would explode and then my dad would do what most brown parents do he would check to see if the coast is clear and hed slap the shit out of me  i love it thank you thank you pockets were acknowledging that and for the liberal white guilt immigrants arent going to hit their children the way you do americans hit on the arm and bruise the body immigrants slap your face and bruise your soul its guantanamo of the mind and i know some of you guys are like hey this is davis okay i listen to npr ira glass says children are our future have you seen the show called the slap this is a real show on nbc this is a real show about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party are you fucking kidding thirteen episodes for this kid are you kidding me do you know when brown kids get slapped every brown birthday party and usually its the kid whose birthday it is and we stand there and point and laugh we go ah biju got slapped on his birthday and thats what makes us tough and resilient its why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees slapping is important it elevates your gameyou ever seen an indian kid win a spelling bee incredible ice water in the veins  that kid wont choke on camera hes been slapped on camera – of course he can spell knaidel – knaidel look at that face nothing nothing hes  years old nothing this kid just won  cash nothing people ask where does that come from look at this kids parents your son just won the scripps national spelling bee look at his brother his brother is like im fucked im fucked the bar is way too high i should kill myself people say wheres bobby jindal from thats where he comes from that is an indian sociopath  i know what happens when i talk about this people say your parents dont love you i think our parents love us we have great fathers i just think our fathers didnt download all the great dad software there are just a few apps missing birthdays arent their thing every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the us happy birthday starbucks wifi freeways happy birthday no more birthdays go be president at an interview this lady said describe your earliest birthday memory i was like do i have to so im six im turning seven my dad wakes me up super early in the morning hasan get up get in the camry the immigrant car of choice we get in the camry were driving from davis to sacramento theres one mall in the entire area arden we get to this intersection and i look to my left and its the one place every kid dreams about toys r us i was like oh shit dad saw the toys r us catalog on my wall he saw my vision board he saw the blue bmx bike i wanted hes here to surprise me turn left turn left turn left then he turns right and im like home depot no im like why are we here do you know what day it is its saturday no its my birthday did you forget hes like hasan how could i forget that its your birthday thats why i brought you here so you could pick the door handle for the bathroom  and i was like why dont you have me pick out the toilet you are shitting on my dreams i didnt say that i would have gotten a slap i wanted to say that thats when i realized theres a generational gap between us and our parents youre going to fight with your parents and theres a finite number of hands you can play you know about this not going to be a doctor thats a hand marry a white girl boom thats a big hand  i could have been like dad fight me i want that bike but i was like hang on to your cards youll need them later like i had vision as a sixyearold and my mom she would come and visit and just kill the mom game one year she came to school and brought me a ghostbusters proton pack the wheelie thing the backpack the gun that catches ghosts literally shut pioneer down kids were losing their minds what saddam husseins a ghostbuster yeah im a brown ghostbuster deal with it one of the happiest days of my life but then she would go back to india thats when i realized i dont want a toy i just want my mom i want to be a family i was very emo i was like drake i missed that girl when is she coming back i need her in my life i need her i need that girl i need that girl in my life i need her dad she used to call me on my phone my dads like when the visa comes through when the visa comes through its a big deal i dont care what anyone says its difficult to get in this country its not like a broken condom where youre like im in  eight years august   im so excited i put on my ghostbusters proton pack im standing there dad goes put on indian clothes im like alright i can be an indian ghostbuster i put on a salwar kameez im standing there door opens dad walks through mom walks through and then immediately behind my mom is this little brown girl with a mushroom cut she runs up to me and hugs me hasan bhai and im in full hoverhands mode because i have no idea who this person is what happened was my dad would go back and forth to india to visit my mom and during one trip he knocked her up  and i had a sister but no one told me about it  remember how i told you that immigrants love secrets this is a secret that nobody told me he says hug her you brought her out like maury for immigrants hasan you are the brother im like no no she was breakdancing and im like who the fuck are you you dont know me ive no idea who you are i hated that brown girl so much i was like build that wall i was like a little republican i was like i get it i remember leveling with my parents at the dinner table look mom dad lets just be real oh my god these brown people oh jeez coming into our house eating our fruit rollups they dont speak the language i say we tell them to go back where they came from hes like you cant say that were family im like no thats on you and mom you guys decided to get your angelina jolie on and bring over this fob thats on you thats not on me why do you do this to your daughters every single brown mother makes your daughter quinceañera dress chop cuts why princess from here down toad from here up ive got this shit following me around on the playground hasan bhai im like yo kick rocks i go play tetherball hasan bhai get lost eventually i run to the boys bathroom she follows me into the bathroom hasan bhai all the kids at the urinal are like uh whats hasanbye i went to school with a bunch of ryan lochtes just all traps  uh i dont understand other cultures bro what is that what does it mean its a term of endearment in my culture meaning brother shut up cody i took that anger and channeled it at her i was like hey youre not my sister  but she couldnt understand english  but she got what i was saying she starts crying and runs out i was like no shes going to tell dad lets focus on whats important here but she didnt and my dad it was her first birthday in the us she was turning five so for her first birthday he wanted it to be special i can imagine being a father missing your daughters first steps her first time saying dada thats a hard thing so for her birthday he brings everyone into the living room he drags in this big box and goes aisha open the box she cuts open the box and unfurls one of the flaps and i see toys r us emblazoned on one of the flaps and he reaches in and pulls out a beautiful blue bmx bike  here you go aisha he looks at me happy birthday  savage right im livid im like yo when did home depot dad become danny tanner this is bullshit really im livid and aisha senses it shes like hasan bhai why dont you take it out and as an elder brother i felt entitled to that bike thats my bike thank you younger siblings you guys are worthless you bring nothing to the table i see you getting mad hell no i have a personality where do you think you got that from dummy us clothes culture money whoa i have opinions no you dont and then you have the audacity to be like hey why are you so melodramatic because i went to war for you mom and dad was my vietnam and youre like everybody loves me its such bullshit right elder siblings we walk through the world like do people love me and youre like mom and dad fucked up with you not with me  shes like take it for one lap around the block  i grab those handlebars im like fuck that noise boom i take off shes like hasan bhai come back im like eat my dust immigrant im flying i see a curb im about to pop a wheelie the bike goes left i go right and that beautiful blue bmx bike bam it crashes into the cement all the paint is chipped off the right side of the bike i pick it up and its destroyed i hear the patter of her chappals shes crying hasan bhai why would you do this animé tears of innocence why i gave you the first ride and im looking down at her and im like man im being a dick like this whole time i was looking for acceptance from cody corey and cole  and i had it right here this entire time im supposed to be her big brother help her navigate the american dream and protect her and im out here stealing her bike this is fucked up and aisha hates that story shes always like oh my god you are so melodramatic you make me sound like a refugee baby thats true im doing that right now its not fair because shes not a refugee and like she learned english she went to an ivy league law school she does mergers and acquisitions now she is the one percent meanwhile i i didnt go to grad school i became a comedian this is what i do and then when it came time for me to get married i got married to a girl from a hindu family i heard an audible oh alright fuck i heard you go like ugh i didnt punch you damnso some of you guys dont know hindus and muslims are like the montagues and capulets of india weve been warring for centuries youre like whats the difference you look the same so how do i explain this hindus and muslims so hindus hindus dont eat beef no beef right and muslims we dont eat pork is that pepperoni pizza no no pepperoni and then hindus they like statues theyre like oh this is a statue of an elephant im going to put this in my car  muslims are like no statues calligraphy were about the alphabet we put that in our car were different and then hindus they like cartoons theyre like oh this is a cartoon ganesh ill just put this on the wall and muslims we dont really uh like cartoons weve got to get better about our cartoon policy because of this weve been killing each other for centuries and i know the older generation doesnt like those jokes pakistan was created because of this reason i know but i convinced my dad dad i love her she loves me isnt there something bigger that unites all of us outside of race color creed class this is america we can choose what we want to adhere from the motherland isnt life like biryani where you push the weird shit to the side why do we got to adhere to this weird shit from back over there he agrees hes like thats a good point fine you should get married thats a hall of fame brown dad decision theres brown dads here like if my son did that i would shoot myself and then shoot him he says yes we rally the troops me mom dad aisha we get in the camry were driving to my fiancées house and were about to pull up and we get to the door and my dad is about to ring the doorbell when he says the sentence that is the killer of every brown kids dream he goes i dont think we should do this log kya kahenge  what will people think i dont know if you know but every time a brown father says log kya kahenge a star actually falls from the sky  i dont want to be a doctor log kya kahenge no i dont want to marry log kya kahenge why i bet you when mahatma gandhi told his parents he was going to liberate india even they were like log kya kahenge stop marching the british are going to talk shit about us why are you bald and skinny youre never going to get married and im standing there on that doorstep  wait im standing there on that doorstep like wait you want me to change my life because of log kya kahenge come on dad how many times do we complain about racism in our community all the time now the ball is in our court were going to be bigoted dad i promise you god doesnt like bigotry gods not like youre racist good job no number two you want me to change my life to appease some aunty and uncle im never going to see you want me to change my life for naila aunty fuck naila aunty are you fucking kidding me my life but i cant say that because ive played all my cards so i cant say anything now im losing hope im like maybe this is bigger than me why cant i put my head down and do what im supposed to do this aint jodhaa akbar have you ever been trapped by the time you live in its been going on for centuries so im walking back to the camry then i hear a voice behind me oh my god you guys do this all the time and it is aisha and she is pissed and shes like dad i did not fly out from philly for this  beena is so legit she has a phd hasan bhai is a comedian  no one is going to marry him get him married before she changes her mind she stepped up she laid down one of her cards for me she phil jacksoned that situation she got all these people working together because of her i got to marry the love of my life because of my sister i cant believe it  for years i resented that brown girl i hated her but on that day on that special day i couldnt have been more proud to be her hasan bhai     you know they say every generation is defined by a great struggle or tragedy and its wild that our kids will never know there was a period in time in this country where you had to make a choice between being on the internet or being on the phone  they wont get it dude youll never get it you dont get it man you wont that was our world war i man especially in middle school if a girl called the house you had to pick up the phone before your parents we used to have landlines its like phones connected to the land and one time in middle school a girl called the house my dad picked it up before me hello who is this hi its alice is hasan there what you want alice i was like im going to die a virgin im in geometry with hasan i had a question can i ask him the question hes like okay alice why dont you ask me the question then ill ask hasan thats the way our parents are ages zero through  no girls at  why cant you talk to girls thats basically it ah you kill me  thats the way our parents are right our parents are like a firewall to the outside world they disseminate information to us its like living in north korea my dad is the leader of the household so when  happened i was in high school my dad sits everybody down hes like hasan whatever you do do not tell people youre muslim or talk about politics alright dad ill just hide it this just rubs off were sitting there phone rings i run but my dad beats me to the phone hello i grab the second phone i hear a voice hey you sand nigger wheres osama  he looks at me you can hear me right you fucking dune coon wheres osama hey  regatta lane thats where you live right im going to fucking kill you click and my dads looking at me do you ever see your parents and you see the mortality in them im looking at my dad and i see all fiveseven of him and thats when i realize im a darapok im a scaredycat we can speak two languages we can speak at home and outside i should have said something i didnt we sit down i hear thud thud thud outside me and dad run outside and all the windows on the camry are smashed in my backpacks open fuck they stole my stuff i reach and i pull out my backpack pieces of glass get caught in my arm now blood is gushing down my arm and im pissed im fucking mad fuck this man these kids know where we live theyre timing this so theyre watching us so im looking in the trees the bushes i look back in the middle of the street my dad is in the middle of the road sweeping glass out of the road like he works at a barbershop weve got customers log kya kahenge weve got to clean this up zen brown mr miyagi just like not saying a word im like why arent you saying something im asking you say something he looks at me and goes hasan   these things happen and these things will continue to happen thats the price we pay for being here thats when i was like we really are from two different generations bmx bikes aside my dads from that generation where he feels like if you come to this country you pay the american dream tax you endure racism and if it doesnt cost you your life pay it there you go uncle sam but for me i was born here so i actually have the audacity of equality im like im in honors gov i have it right here life liberty pursuit of happiness all men created equal it says it right here im equal im equal i dont deserve this  but as soon as i say that he looks at me like i believe in santa hasan youll never understand ill never understand dad youre the guy that will argue with the cashier at costco when he doesnt let you return used underwear and now you want to be the bigger man now youre like lets be reasonable with the bigots what and then he just walks back into the house with glass in his feet and i honestly dont know who is more right maybe hes right put your head down be a doctor get a house in the burbs let them call them whatever you want but isnt it our job to push the needle forward little by little isnt that how all this stuff happens i dont know the pendulum swings back and forth for me and i know  is a super touchy subject i understand because when it happened everyone in america felt like their country was under attack but on that night september  it was the first night of so many nights where my familys loyalty to this country was under attack and it always sucks as immigrants we always have to put on these press releases to prove our patriotism were auditioning we love this country please believe me nobody loves this country more than us i fell in love here six years old janice malo i saw her in the sandbox i run up to her first grade i love you youre the color of poop thats memory number one the first time you experience racism i was like what oh no its not rubbing off i was fucking terrified it was like inception there were so many levels i just wanted to wake up and be like oh it was all a dream im jgl it was all a dream but its not a dream its the universe telling you its a fair and lovely world navigate accordingly in the third grade miss anderson said write what you want to be some kids were like an astronaut or a firefighter i was like i want to be white  what do you mean i want this part of my skin to be all of my skin and it wasnt like i hate melanin i love melanin ive never gotten a sunburn im blessed  but when youre white and youre playing the video game of life and your avatar is white you just get asked less questions along the way you pop out boom i want to be batman well of course batman is white duh i want to be president duh fortyfourandahalf presidents are white weve had a great track record and i know the privilege debate is very heavy for white people i know you guys have problems ive seen girls  my dad did not give a shit about any of this identity stuff his rules with me were very simple no fun no girlfriends have fun in med school which is a huge lie it never gets popping in med school ive never been to a club and seen nine dudes yo whats going on whats going on residency fam never happens i got a career i hate from my parents its a lie we buy into it so by my senior year of high school i had yet to go to a school dance i had been cut from the basketball team and i had just got off this medicine called accutane so my skin and face was peeling im crushing life out here killing it no one did that dont clap no one did that for that photo no one ever did that at my school its too late but there was one bright spot this girl named bethany reed and her family had just moved from nebraska to davis and we were in ap calc together but we had chemistry she sat behind me first day shes like hey whats your aim screen name  i was like its about to go down do you want it i could give it to you whatever i lacked in reallife game my digital game bananas status updates away messages sub profile boyz ii men dont say you dont like water runs dry i was a lover late at night on aim back and forth back and forth you guys dont know this some of you guys are just in college snapchatting back in the day we had to fire up the internet like goddamn cavemen you know what i mean   if someone picked up the phone hey get off the phone im trying to talk to somebody thats how we would communicate late at night back and forth back and forth one night she was like hey come over i bike over to her place white picket fence mcmansion ford expedition eddie bauer edition  oh they made it mrs reed opens the door her father is this successful retired judge mrs reeds like you want brownies yeah cool hey stay for dinner we just had brownies but okay were sitting there at the dinner table and now mrs reeds like hey honey we know so much about bethany but we dont know anything about you what do you like what are you into i was like what  what do i like um nobody nobody has ever asked me that before  i guess i like acoustic guitar you should do that you should follow your dreams  maybe i will maybe i will follow my dreams then bethanys like hey we always study at my house why dont we study at your house i was like ive got to go what invite you over to my house you walk in what language are you guys speaking whats that smell im not going to open myself up to that but i was like no shes different i hit her up late at night mom dad a school friend is coming over everyone here please be normal my dad is like we are normal killing me you know what i mean hasan were normal be proud you should be proud who is proud no one is youre walking around like a rooster im not proud and no one is proud we get there were sitting on my living room table my mom and dad are arguing in hindi my mom is frying pakoras the fobbiest thing ever kabhi khushi kabhie gham is playing on zee tv but its too much its all coming at this girl its too much youve got to ease your way in shes from nebraska soul cycle yoga then zee tv dont just like go into it so im looking at her like dont say anything please dont say anything she looks up from her book and shes like you know what this is really nice we should do this more often this is really nice and i look at her and im like oh my god i love you my white princess  you see me i dont got to change who i am i can be me so im going back and forth her house my house one night were on the living room table were doing integrals  she closes her book shes like hey its late and im like it is late and shes like i should go home i was like yeah you should why did you say that that was your chance dont do that i said wait let me walk you out so im walking her out she gets in the car im about to close the door she rams her arm into the door leans out and gives me a kiss i love you drives off into the night like a fucking g because she knew the rules she knew the rules no fun no friends no girlfriends all we had was that stolen moment in my driveway you guys are like i was getting handjobs when i was nine not me not this guy not you not you not you not us i was like are we getting married i have to change my pants we are definitely getting married when is the shaadi  now my ap calc class was a group of overachievers and my calc teacher mr pendleton wanted us to live lives outside of school so one day he gets up in front of the entire class alright you guys are all killing it academically but i want you to know there is more to life than just getting into uc berkeley one kid was like i know getting into stanford hes like no you have to live a life worth talking about which is why im making it mandatory for everyone in this class to go to prom im like all  of us were all going to prom ap calc us me jehovahs witness girl korean exchange students going to the prom thirty for  all of us im laughing so hard im crying hes like hanson this is not funny he walks over to the board he pulls it down its a bracket with everybodys name on it leading up to the big dance its march madness for nerds im like whatever its not going to happen he cant do this weeks go by kids start getting dates three days before prom he walks to the board last two names hasan minhaj bethany reed the class goes nuts theyre like oh theyre going to fuck no were not are we no no were not i look at her please dont say anything she says nothing like a g  bell rings im walking to my locker i hear footsteps shes like wait up i was like whats up oh that was crazy back there what are the chances shes like listen you know ever since my family moved from nebraska youve been my best friend and youre really special to me this year wouldnt be the same without you so i was wondering will you go to prom with me  i was like yes my white princess as soon as i said that i was like no i had bitten off more than i could chew no wait youve got cards to play youre good youre a good kid also remember parents respect honesty youve seen this on tv if you go home and are honest your parents will be like even though i disagree with you i respect your candor therefore i will grant your wish i ran home i was like dad i would like to go to prom  which means i will break your face duly noted father bethany situation at home father doesnt want us to go to prom im going to sneak out i live on the second story im going to jump off and land on my bike ill bike to your place we dance it up and if i die i had a great run you know youre going to die so put it on the tombstone hasan minhaj  gpa kissed a white girl what an amazing way to go the night of prom rolls around i put on the jc penney suit spray on the michael jordan cologne six puffs one for each championship you dont want to overkill it with the mj cologne dont be tacky im scaling down the side of my roof scraping my knees i jump off the roof its like  feet i jump off i somehow land i get on my bike its beautiful the sun is setting its one of those gorgeous evenings and im biking with my knees bowed out so my slacks dont get caught up in the chains fast enough to get there but slow enough to not get pit stains im balancing the corsage  alright go go youre good youre getting there  i get to her house i park my bike im walking up to the doorstep and im about to ring the doorbell when im like wait  second timeout do you understand whats about to go down youre about to go to prom with bethany motherfucking reed  this is the american dream this is what dad fought for dingdong mrs reed opens the door she has this look of concern and i look over her shoulder and i see jeff burke putting a corsage on bethanys wrist  and shes like oh my god honey did bethany not tell you sweetie we love you we think youre great we love that you come over and study but tonight is one of those nights we have a lot of family back home in nebraska and were going to be taking photos so we dont think youd be a good fit do you need a ride home mr reed can give you a ride home and i was like no i have my bike and i just biked home and played mario kart thats the nicest ive ever been dressed playing mario kart  i wish i had said fuck that im going to the dance i didnt the sad part is i felt bad for being there who was i to ruin their pictureperfect celebration youve seen movies how many times do you see that on screen and its not like they were yokels yelling sand nigger i could let that pass id eaten off their plates kissed their daughter i didnt know that people could be bigoted even as they were smiling at you its hard when you see people saying they love you but theyre afraid at the same time and i didnt know what that meant  then the following monday during first period she finds me shes like everybody has been asking why we didnt go please dont say anything its a generational thing please dont say anything and i look at her second period rolls around like clockwork mr pendletons like so lovebirds what happened everybodys wondering so im like yeah what happened looking at her she just looks down now everybodys looking at me so ive got to improvise i was like yeah you know i decided not to go i mean dances are overrated theyre a cliché i decided not to go everybody in the class looked at me wow you dick you stood up the new girl thank god jeff took her youre a dick thats the last time we ever spoke and you know time has passed and i dont really think about that day i mean i did write a show about it but  like a lot of people   you move on to different chapters of your life you have selective memory youre in college tools clear history out of college tools clear history never did that married tools clear history never happened second marriage tools clear history never happened but for the most part i actually think about it the way my dad does oh you couldnt go to prom with a white girl who gives a fuck at least your spine isnt getting shattered in a police wagon though its happening to africanamericans to this day so this is a tax you have to pay ill pay it i cant date your daughter i dont give a fuck uncle sam take it but then i realized wait hold on why is it every time the collateral damage has to be death for us to talk about this a kid has to get shot  times for us to be like maybe we have a race problem for every trayvon martin or ahmed the clock kid there is bigotry that happens every day because were too afraid of the other someone whos not in our tribe i wish i could tell  me hey man dont let this experience define you its good people and bad people irrespective of creed class color find those people because love is bigger than fear i wish i could tell him that i really believe that  i really believe love is bigger than fear fox news has taught me that fox news is incredible ive never seen so many people with spray tans hate people of color it is amazing and fox news is in new york theyre in new york daily show fox news five avenues away from each other thats it professor x magneto that close every day i walk past their building during lunch ill see all the employees hannity coulter oreilly leave their building cross the street walk past me and line up for halal chicken and rice im like uh racist randy wants that red sauce your brain can be racist but your body will just betray you i love that so much all morning theyre like mexicans all lives matter arabs  shwarma time i love that so much and i wish i could tell  me that but i cant i dont have a time machine i cant tell him that you know what the shitty part is when you first fall in love you get that first taste of the heisenberg blue its never the same after that people here with girlfriends are like babe its different with you youre lying and thats okay but we had those first secrets my secret was i want to be a comedian she said i want to be a journalist we promised we would follow our dreams no matter what people would think so i started doing comedy i wasnt very good two years three years four years six years seven years i finally get a chance to headline a comedy club its a big deal for me gotham comedy club new york city i did what a lot of early comedians do i got on facebook i got super cocky i was like yo facebook your boy headlining gotham comedy club let me know if you want some tix all caps like relax i sent it i was like im a headliner lets go to the airport la chicago nashville new york im flying southwest i was like i made it oh hello la quinta inn dont mind if i do free wifi why not lets see what the internet is saying about me i open up my laptop fire up facebook and i see this hey um long time no see youre doing comedy now so cool listen me and my girlfriends live in manhattan and we were wondering if we could get some tix question mark okay    i dont know if you know what this means but you know if life gives you lemons sometimes youve got to make revenge lemonade sprinkle in a little irony reply son reply bethany comma enter totally remember you long time no see indeed  seven years a lot of time listen i would love to give you some tix but were going to be taking a lot of photos tonight  and i dont think youd be a good fit send that shit send that shit right now send that shit right now i jump on stage i run to the club jump on stage i dont even know what i said i was like fuck that goodnight boom i go to the airport we go from new york chicago to nashville to la i pick up my toyota camry lmotherfuckinge dont you ever forget about it cloth interior for life whipping through the streets of la hello headliner what do you need hasan bhai dad had a heart attack hey idiot pick up your phone i need you dad had a heart attack my dad had just suffered a quintuple bypass so theyre rushing him to the hospital aisha goes come home now i was like i got a set at the comedy store im going to do that then ill come home and i did a set at the comedy store and then i drove home and i dont know why i get to kaiser and run upstairs my mom and my sisters are crying my sister looks at me shes like they dont know what you did i do doctor sees me are you his son yeah youre over  sign this i sign this waiver that clears the hospital of liability if something happens to my dad the surgery is that risky im signing this piece of paper and looking at him and i feel like im signing a death certificate his body temperature is so low that he looks blue they wheel him into surgery and i hand the clipboard to the doctor i look at my dad like if this is the last time i see my dad im saying goodbye to a person i barely even know and im waiting hoping that he comes out of surgery okay and somehow he makes it through were in the hospital i have to tell him stories so im telling him stories about my life hes telling me stories about his so i tell him the prom story he goes hasan im mad at you i know i kissed a girl ill never do it again  he goes no why dont you forgive bethany  he wanted to be the bigger person again i was like why you know when i emigrated to this country in  i thought if i let you go to a school dance you would join a gang get a girl pregnant and become a drug dealer in one night i wanted to protect you her family saw stuff about us they wanted to protect their daughter everybodys afraid of everybody but hasan   hasan you have to be brave your courage to do whats right has to be greater than your fear of getting hurt so hasan be brave hasan be brave its a very beautiful poem i think about it all the time and look there are some days where i can forgive that person the past is the past tools clear history its done other days no fuck that this is house of cards crush our enemies i didnt know how to feel until this pizza hut new big pizza sliders are here get nine in a box for just ten bucks ten bucks match up to three ways three cheese big delicious sliders only at your pizza hut and thats how you make it great alright so so this airs during march madness everyone sees it the night this airs friends send me text messages hey man by any chance do you know how many pizza sliders you get in a box for just ten bucks  nine is it true you can mix and match up to three ways  yes three yes a buddy of mine sends me this screengrab just saw my high school prom date in a pizza hut ad throwback its a small world brilliant to which i reply we didnt end up going though howve you been mrp calc to which she replies i know made for a better tweet though let me know when youre in new york to which i reply absofuckinglutely now against the advice of my therapist i go on facebook because she has a public profile so i start clicking around bethany reed okay lives in manhattan duh we knew that in a relationship with i click it  rajesh rengatramanajanana she is dating an indian dude and this dude is indian as fuck look at his name look at how big his name is its so big it barely fits in his facebook profile so big ten syllables rajesh rengatramanajananam are you kidding me how many letters are in the alphabet how many letters in the alphabet  letters in the alphabet right how many letters are in rajesh rengatramanajananam  thats one less letter than the entire alphabet come on how easy is my name hasan minhaj so easy she was like fuck that give me the rajesh rengatramana motherfuckingjananam like no god is laughing at me god is laughing at me now against the advice of my therapist i make contact shes like do not make contact im like tell me what i want to hear need closure go for it see you next week therapy is bullshit bethany ive got a gig in new york next week i would love to meet up shes like yeah lets meet up and i go from la to new york direct flight pizza hut money im walking through new york im livid im pissed how is this possible how is this possible rajesh rengatramana how does she make love oh my god rajesh rengatramanajananam give it to me right now rajesh rengatramanajananam i want you so bad put your rajesh in my rengatramanajananam i was like stop it stop imagining her having sex with rajesh rengatramanajananam youve got leverage walk in there be cool walk in there be confident be like this dude walk in there and just own it be like this be like this   whats up do that with this and then lick the lips and go whats up im practicing it i get to the door open the door then i hear hey hasan shes sitting outside she saw me doing this shit in the street  i was like oh hey whats up is someone sitting there cool i just walk up and im like alright yeah ill just sit here cool im sitting there when you see someone from your past all of a sudden youre that age again so all that kanye juice just goes out of my body i cant say anything its like the adults in charlie brown i cant say anything  minutes  minutes  minutes dude are you going to be a darapok again say something she starts talking about rent control and i cut her off bethany do you know why im here im here to talk about prom  and her face went white you guys knew she was white right it went whiter than white and i was like you knew my situation you knew it i was ride or die for you at that age thats a lot you werent the same for me fine whatever but what makes matters worse is you had me socially crucified in front of everybody you knew how hard it was for me and then i was so insecure at that age that i couldnt date another white person because i was afraid of not being able to be with them because of the color of my skin do you know what thats like and now im trying to pursue my dreams im trying but now youre writing about me you act like were cool when were not why do you do that and she was like i am so sorry but you know we were  right like i really wanted to go with you but my mom shes very controlling do you know what its like to have a parent that controls your life no i dont what is that like do tell i would love to hear that story  tell me more what shes like i wish i could have gone with you but i cant change the past i never thought you would want to talk to me ever again but the reason why i write about you is because i see you kept your promise so even if you never want to talk to me ever again ill always be rooting for you you know how you carry hatred in your heart about people in your past they did this to me fuck them damn them in that moment i let it go i crushed it like a voldemort horcrux   but i had to ask her the question that were all thinking  what about mr rengatramanajananam shes like i hit it off with this guy we decide to move in together i needed money for a deposit so i called my mom what did your mom say my mom was like no you know the way our family is so make up your mind and i was like what did you say and shes like i told my mom not again this isnt high school raj is a good person and so am i so im going to be with him because its right i hope you make up your mind and im looking at her and im so embarrassed im like dude what are you doing why are you hunting down people from your past like a psycho  youre not liam neeson what is going on i realized you dont give a shit about this person i care about what she represents growing up we just want that cosign to tell them youre good enough sit here youre good enough but thats not the american dream its not asking for a cosign its what every generation did before you you claim that shit on your own terms pizza hut pizza sliders nine in a box for just ten bucks thats you youre not hasan minhaj youre hussan minhajj this is new brown america the dream is for you to take so take that shit stop blaming other people now im standing outside the restaurant and i cant even concentrate because i know shes more evolved than me shes like next time me you and raj should hang out im like yeah lets not do that and im walking to the subway station but i take one last look at the restaurant just to see her one last time to know that generational change is possible with one choice i turn around and i look but shes gone and i never saw her again i did keep my promise though you know i kept doing comedy i never knew i never knew if i would do anything more than pizza hut you know how you hit that point when your parents give up on you and move on lets move on to aisha one day i get an email from my manager want to audition for the daily show thats not a question thats a statement hey audition for the daily show i submit a tape i get a call jon stewart saw your tape come to new york they want you to audition but but you have to write another original piece can you write another no i cant im not larry david i cant do seinfeld and curb im a mere mortal im walking back and forth in my shitty onebed apartment like im going to die here and its amazing how racism will always happen to you when you need it the most like changing the oil on your car oh  miles racismso im watching the show real time with bill maher have you guys seen real time with bill maher you know bills demeanor hey do you believe in god youre a fucking idiot and everyones like oh the atheist prophet speaks so this clip went viral him and ben affleck bill maher is like these muslims  percent of them hate our freedom weve got to round them up weve got to contain them and ben afflecks like are you crazy round them up contain them dude we did that to the japanese you cant do that am i crazy and i was like no youre not crazy youre my white prince  dont you realize what happened in that moment we got our first alist celebrity to back the muslim community we got batman baby he may not be the hero we want but he is the hero the muslim world needs batman versus bill maher i write the piece go to new york you get it right the producer answers the door audition with me when youre ready jon will come down run it with me were walking down the hallway and i see all these photos of the old correspondents that came before me steve carell john oliver sam bee jason jones ed helms steven colbert and me keema roti me you know we dont end up this far you know the way it is middle management till we die were not on that stage ever i walk in and i see that daily show globe i cant tell you how blue it is and now im sweating through my suit the producer is like well run it a few times and i sit down and i get to the desk sitting presidents have sat on that desk i sit down and were running it and im nervous he goes hey man just slow down alright we run it a second time now im stuttering and he goes hey man relax youre funny which is a telltale sign of being like hey man youre not funny you shouldnt relax and i can feel it im choking weve all been there everyones how did it go youre like positive thoughts no its not happening youre not you are choking mcat dat youre going to the caribbean its a wrap you choked right too real its real weve all been there and i can feel this turtle head coming out of my butt im really nervous im pooping my pants im like no then i hear  i know that voice its jewish yoda its jon hes walking through the tunnel where the guests come so hes just backlit so i just see a giant shadow walking towards me and i hear his accomplishments at each step boom i am jon stewart boom twentytwotime emmyawardwinning jon stewart boom i redefined political satire and comedy what have you done im like have you heard of pizza hut   then he steps into the light and hes shorter than i thought and he has all this scruff on his face and i look at him and im like dad he had jewish najmi vibes he shakes my hand i could feel it like hed slapped me in a previous life i was like i know this hand he starts riffing i start riffing the prompter guy what are you doing i got this i had it all memorized one shot eight mile and i stuck my landing like a russian gymnast thank you for the opportunity i tucked that turtle head back in my butt were going home i walk out the door but then i hear a voice hey man where are you going and its jon i was like oh i live in la ive got to go back to la well ill see you monday right i was like why well you work here so ill see you monday right  i couldnt believe it i was like oscar speech go say what you got to say what i wanted to say was jon this is one of the only things that ive gotten in my entire career that my dad actually knows  so thank you but what i said was jon my dad knows you hes like yeah im sure he does i pinch myself youre hasan minhaj youre going to be on the daily show i run outside i call my girl shes crying i call my mom shes crying i call my dad he says good job what good job say it again i cant hear you dad say it a car almost hits me im like no i cant die ive got to drop the greatest status update i run upstairs open my laptop fire up facebook and then i see this   you guys see this right  dont you know what this means dont you get it im the cure for racism  i cured it alright maybe i didnt cure it but everyone has a purpose some people were put here to find a cure for cancer or find a vaccine for ebola my life is definitive proof that once you go brown youve got to lock that shit down  thank you thank you good night be well god bless i love you guys i love you guys good night i love you ����
X��   ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage mr jim jefferies  hello sit down sit down sit down sit down sit down  thank you boston i appreciate that  uh thats very sweet of you  love you im at the end of the tour right now im very happy to be on tour because i now have a child ah so any time out of home is good for me um i got my girlfriend pregnant after knowing her for two months so  thank you thank you life decisions and shes a nice girl and i love her in a way sure my problem with my girlfriend is shes very sweet but shes shit at telling stories and im awesome at telling stories so it really bothers me when she talks and i dont know if thatll be a problem in the future but its a problem now and i dont see it getting better um ill give you an example right i was in the car and my son hank was asleep in the back seat and were driving along and on the radio comes madonna and my girlfriend just slips into conversation oh i used to party with madonna and i went you fucking what when and she went i used to party with madonna now i should fill you in a little bit on this my girlfriend used to be a model in miami right im not bragging i didnt get the model years i didnt get those years ive seen the photos very impressive um so i said so you used to party with madonna madonna used to have big parties and invite models over right and she went no no it would just be me and a few other people i go you need to elaborate on this story right now and she goes oh okay i used to date the center for the miami heat as soon as you hear that the mother of your child used to date an nba center even if this guys even slightly in proportion a lot of things flood through your head first thing is thats why your cunts so fucked up thats a big one thats why our child came out while you were walking i understand so she said i used to date the center for the miami heat his best friend was dennis rodman dennis rodman used to go out with madonna and we used to go over to madonnas house and she goes this one time the four of us were over at madonnas house and we were all fucked up on drugs and one thing led to another and then i went shut the fuck up and she went what i said i know what one thing led to another means you all started fucking each other and she went we did we started just shut up and she goes what do you care for i said youre the mother of my child i dont wanna picture you being fucked by a ″ nba player while youre licking out madonnas muscular vagina and dennis rodman is in the corner stroking his tattooed cock going  and she goes oh youre being silly what do you care for youve partied way more than i have in my life and i went that is not true ive gotten wasted way more than you have but i have in no way partied way more than you have often i get wasted just by myself i wouldnt call it a party for most of my career i was a struggling comedian right and this is how struggling comedians party right its  am monday right were in a onebedroom apartment seven of us are standing around a coffee table trying to stretch out two grams of coke one of us is at the end of the table giving conspiracy theories and the rest of us are talking about where women might be one of us has come up with a plan the plan goes like this well nurses will be finishing their shift soon maybe if we just stand out the front of the er theyll appreciate seven funny guys  i dont you know ive never partied like a model i have partied twice in my life twice like really partied ive had good nights out but ive really partied twice if you really party and most people never experience this its an amazing thing it happens in vegas it can only happen in vegas and its gotta involve celebrity right im not famous but the people around me were super famous and i was at this party in the night club and they took me in and then theres the night club but then theres the real night club out the back which is like the size of this stage its only a little room and you go back there and you can just they encourage you to take drugs in the open and youre just doing it off a key  and theyre going no dude use the table dont use your and i go oh oh oh sorry um and its confusing at first and then their security will drag women off that other night club into your room just bring em in like huh and you can do this you can go uh like that and theyll drag these women away it is the best thing youll ever do with your life when you party that hard as a man theres a lot of remorse cause you have to tip everyone a lot of money you wake up in the morning with a terrible hangover and you go to your friends you go oh my god we partied so hard last night i spent  when a hot girl parties that hard she wakes up in the morning and goes oh my god we partied so hard last night i made  and thats a vastly different emotion that i dont think women will never yeah okay this is the thing in america at the moment theyre trying to raise the minimum wage to i dont know  an hour or something like that and whenever they bring up this argument they always go and still to this day women only earn  of what men earn in the workplace and of course thats disgusting how dare women earn so much like a lot of things that i say tonight will be jokes that i dont actually mean but this is something im really passionate about women do not deserve to earn as much money as men in the workplace im sorry i  im not being a misogynistic bastard right im not saying that women dont work as hard im sure they do im not saying they dont do as good a job what im saying is they dont deserve to earn as much money as men right men need that extra  to buy meals and drinks and jim jefferies tickets and all that shit  now im sure theres women in this room that are saying oh i pay for my drinks i bought my own ticket and dont think we dont appreciate the uglies cause we do right we do but theres little things in society that you cant change men have extra expenses that youll never understand theres holidays that are just for women like valentines day is just for women they say its for romantics they say its for couples or something like that its just for women theres no man who gets excited by valentines day theres no man that when he sees the valentines day decorations go up in the shopping mall he goes oh valentines day is coming valentines day is a mathematical equation that every man has in his head and it goes like this how much money do i have to spend today so that you wont act like a cunt it doesnt stop there mothers day mothers day rocked around in my house when my son was six months old my girlfriends first mothers day and she went oh i wonder what ill get for mothers day and i went probably fucking nothing hes got no money hes six months old what do you think hes gonna buy you within an hour her friends were over at the house just by coincidence telling me what a bad person i was and how important mothers day is to a new mum you know and so i went and bought her a cappuccino machine cause i assumed thats what hank would have wanted her to have and i wrote a card im not a bastard i wrote a card im righthanded so i got my left hand every new dad knows this you get the crayon and you go  happy mothers day love hank and i went han and then i did the k backtofront because hes a fucking moron see now i know theres people in the room theyre thinking well fathers have fathers day fathers day is bullshit its fucking shit fathers day fathers day came around and my girlfriend went what do you want for fathers day and i went i dont want anything dont even worry about it i dont want anything and she goes come on you gotta have something i said honestly i dont want anything and she goes come on and i went its my fucking money just dont touch it just leave my money alone how hard is this how about for  hours you dont touch my fucking money that would be a gift thats why every single father has that one fathers day gift that they cherish and its shit its like a fucking ceramic mug that the kid made in school where the handles too big and it says i heart dad and they keep that for  fucking years this mug and do you wanna know why they like it every now and again they look at it and go that cost me nothing that mug  see wouldnt it be nice to have one day that was for men and for fathers and all that type of stuff but didnt cost anything that everyone could participate in right ive got it right april  anal sex day  its good isnt it everyones girlfriend or wife has to take it in the ass on april  its nice a month before youd be walking around the shopping center going oh the decorations are up  and its good cause if your bird didnt take it in the ass you could do the same thing that women do on valentines day when they dont get a gift you could go like oh me mate jason his wife took it in the ass twice yeah obviously theyre more connected than we are theyve uh im thinking i dont do much merchandise after my shows and stuff but im thinking of bringing out some april  tshirts not even putting jim jefferies on them or anything just tshirts that say april  cause its good right youre in a bar youre a guy you see a guy at the other end of the bar with an april  and you go fucking friends for life right but even better you see a girl with an april  tshirt the weird thing is im biggingup anal sex here and i dont even really like fucking girls in the ass that much im not even a huge fan i much prefer the cunt i think its a much more i think that a cunt is a much more purposebuilt thing to fuck but you know anal sex oh you know i do it i get involved cause i feel like i have to you know i but ive never been a big fan of the ass fucking i uh when i watch it on porn it seems very inviting the girls taking it so fluently in her ass and she seems to be having fun and uh but the thing is you cant smell porn you dont smell porn you just you just watch it they never and its different porn its different they clean the girls asshole they pump water into it until its very hygienic im sure and the girl seems to be so happy shes like youve got it in her pussy youre fucking her and then shes like put it in my ass shes inviting its like youre doing her a favor in porn and then shes like she says things i dont know things like im enjoying that keep putting it in my ass fuck my ass i love a cock in my ass and and the experience ive had in my own life has been vastly different ive my experience has been a lot of crying now although that can help you come at times its not what you want its not what you want for every day i like the girl who acts like shes enjoying it like you know when your girlfriends like im gonna act like i enjoy it she does that whole yeah oh no thats good  ahh ♪ im having a good time ♪ and then theyre always going are you done are you close to done you never fuck a pussy and they go are you almost done finish this like that if youre fucking ass they dont want you they want it all over quick and they do other things the porn girls i dont know how much they get paid im sure its more than what the men get paid its the opposite bit of society um but they do a thing called atm i dont know if you know what that is kids that stands for ass to mouth thats where the porn girl will pull the cock from out of her anus and shell put it directly in her mouth and shell say something like i love the taste of my ass let me taste my ass and then the man as a favor to this woman puts his cock in her mouth to congratulate her on the fine work  shes been doing now i had a drunken night with my exgirlfriend where she thought shed be all wild and try that once again vastly different experience im not a big fan of the ass fucking and i dont know of any man if theyre truthful really is now theres women in the room who are thinking well why does my guy constantly bother me to fuck me in my ass  what a good question  women the reason that men like fucking you in the ass is because we know you fucking hate it  so im a father um i love my son i love my son the same way that i love cigarettes i like to hold him for five minutes every hour and the rest of the time im thinking about how hes fucking killing me hes a good little boy no hes a great little fella i really like him um my girlfriend super loves him though its fucking creepy and im glad i have a son that worked out good for me i wouldnt be a good father to a girl it wouldnt be good for me nothing weird wouldnt fuck it i i just dont get along with women you know how it is i dont want them in my house and so because you dream see for example okay when hank was born the couple over the road within two weeks of hank being born had a baby girl and rightly or wrongly the first thing that went through my head was aw thats great i hope hank fucks that one day thats what i think cause thats what i think about my son i hope when hes of age he just fucks everything i dont care if my son is gay or straight all i care about is when he is of age that he gets every bit of fucking pussy or cock that he desires that is my dream for my son  but never in the history of fathers and daughters has a father held his baby girl and gone oh i hope you have a lot of cocks through you in your life i hope youre never shy of a cock i hope you pass out at parties and all the boys are queuing up right you know and its not just me women treat baby girls and baby boys differently as well my girlfriend goes to the gym every morning i go there very occasionally and when you go to the gym theres a little daycare crèche thing in the gym where you can hand your child off and inside that daycare theres like three women in their  theyre very nice ladies and you hand your kid off and he plays then when you finish your workout you come and get him and theres a woman that works there who just loves my son she sees all the other kids but she loves hank and hank fucking loves her and the two of them light up when they see each other and its super cute i bring hank up the stairs and he starts going uh uh trying to reach at her all right and she does this she goes everyone my boyfriends here heres my boyfriend give him here hes my boyfriend and then she kisses him and she goes ♪ my boyfriend gives me kisses my boyfriend gives me kisses ♪ its fucking adorable but i tried doing that with a baby girl lets say you go to the gym and theres a daycare and me and a couple of my mates are working there hey everyone me girlfriends here give her here give her here shes my girlfriend my girlfriend gives me kisses you know that right shes always giving me kisses enjoy your workout dont worry about a thing   so also its just easier to bring up a son than it is a daughter its just little things even when theyre babies its just easier theres a wiping technique when youre wiping a babys ass i dont know if you have children but this is how you do it the baby lays on its back you put their feet together you lift the feet up and then you go in and wipe with a boy you can wipe like that up and down side to side whatever the fuck you want right with a girl you gotta wipe downward and away downward and away its very important that you wipe away from the cunt very important cause it turns out that women of all ages hate having shit in their cunts they do they fucking hate it boys dont give a shit fucking my son will have shit all over his dick and balls and ill be cleaning it off under the foreskin and hell be laughing like its the best day ever even at my age now i find it funny if i have shit on my dick if i fuck my girlfriend in the ass i pull out ive got shit on my dick ill ring me mate jason up and go hey jason its happened again i got shit on my dick and hell tell me a similar story about when he had shit on his dick and well laugh and laugh and laugh but never in the history of women has there been a woman with shit in her cunt and shes thought oh i cant wait to call karen   when you when my girlfriend got pregnant when you meet when you havent got a child couples who have children are always bragging about how cool it is to have children whenever you meet couples with children theyre always like it is the most fulfilling thing ive ever done with my life my heart grows larger and larger every day and then the second that my girlfriend got pregnant those same people went like this youre never gonna sleep again  forget about it its over youre not gonna sleep theyre constantly telling you youre not gonna sleep raising a baby is not that hard ill tell you what its easier than a coke habit i had a coke habit for sevenandahalf fucking years at least its not me who wakes up crying anymore i can sleep through other people crying ive had girlfriends thats like white noise to me i find it soothing see me and my girlfriend just two months we went fuck it lets have a kid fucking did it right these other people man you know these couples and they date from high school and then they go out for a bit longer and then after being together for like seven years they go were getting engaged you wanna come to the party and you wanna say no youre really boring and we hate you but you go oh okay great youre still together are you you fucked one person have you oh how exciting and and then what they do is they dont have a kid right away because theyre still not ready we have to see how our careers are going and shit and what they do is they get a dog and then they act like the fucking dogs their baby they refer to it as their fucking baby they send you a christmas card of them holding the dog and it says from our family to yours and then you have a barbecue and you invite them the humans right then they come over this fucking dog runs in jumping over everything and youre like what the fuck is this shit and theyre like we had to bring him we bring our baby everywhere and you go well your baby is biting my actual baby can you control and then eventually they decide theyre gonna have a kid cause theyve learned so much from the dog and then they bring the kid back and the dog runs up like whats happening a new person and theyre like fuck off we dont love you anymore were going and they think theyve learnt something from the dog and they havent learnt anything what happens if your girlfriends away on work and the dog dies you go off you buy another dog that looks similar to the original dog try to pass it off as the same dog what happens if your girlfriends away on work and the baby dies very hard to get a baby that looks exactly the same in the short period of time that you have easier if youre black or asian  boston no no no shut up i will not put up with racism at my shows okay im not saying cause they look the same im saying cause theyre easier to purchase   if angelina jolie and madonna have taught us anything it is that you can buy black and asian people im yet to see a black celebrity couple come home from norway with a child going yolanda quick get hans bring him over come on  im gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit uh gun control now no wait before you dont get excited because the other people have guns the antigun people are like yeah do it jim no lets just  now before i start saying this i wanna say this right i believe in your right as americans to have guns im not trying to stop you from having guns all im saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion my opinion on the oh it doesnt matter i dont like guns right im gonna say some things that are just facts right in australia we had guns right right up until  in  australia had the biggest massacre on earth it still hasnt been beaten and now after that they banned the guns now in the  years before port arthur there was  massacres since the gun ban in  there hasnt been a single massacre since i dont know how or why this happened uh maybe it was a coincidence right now please understand that i understand that australia and america are two vastly different cultures with different people right i get it in australia we had the biggest massacre on earth and the australian government went thats it no more guns and we all went yeah all right then that seems fair enough really now in america you had the sandy hook massacre where little tiny children died and your government went maybe well get rid of the big guns and  of you went fuck you dont take my guns  so heres where it gets confusing right now as i said i am all for your second amendment rights i think you should be able to have guns its in your constitution what i am not for is bullshit arguments and lies there is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun and this is the argument fuck off i like guns its not the best argument but its all youve got and theres nothing wrong with it theres nothing wrong with saying i like something dont take it away from me but dont give me this other bullshit the main one is  i need it for protection i need to protect me i need to protect my family really is that why theyre called assault rifles is it ive never heard of these fucking protection rifles you speak of protection what the fuck are you talking about you have a gun in your house youre  more likely to use that gun on yourself than to shoot someone else and people think well thatd never happen to me you dont know that because you know what♪ from time to time we all get sad ♪ ♪ one day youre happy then youre sad ♪ ♪ and then uhoh ♪protection i had a breakin in manchester england where i was tied up i had my head cut they threatened to rape my girlfriend they came through the window with a machete and a hammer and americans always go  well imagine if you had a gun and im like all right i was naked at the time i wasnt wearing my holster i wasnt staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through what world do you live in where youre constantly fucking ready you have guns cause you like guns thats why you go to gun conventions thats why you read gun magazines none of you give a shit about home security none of you go to home security conventions none of you read padlock monthly none of you have a facebook picture of you behind a secure door going fucking yeah like youre going to be ready if someone comes into your house you have it at all fucking times by the way most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking tv you think that people are coming to murder your family how many fucking enemies do you have jeez you think a lot of yourself if you think everyones coming to murder you see if you have it readily available it becomes unsafe you have it in your bedside table one of your kids picks it up thinks its a toy shoots another one of your kids happens every fucking day but people go thatd never happen in my house cause im a responsible gun owner i keep my guns locked in a safe then theyre no fucking protection someone comes into the house youre like wait there fuckface oh youve come to the wrong house here buddy boy i tell you what im gonna fuck you up okay is it  to the left or  to the right your mothers birthday why the fuck would i know your fucking mothers birthday maybe if you didnt leave the window open  because its too hot in here we wouldnt be getting fucking murdered right i find the nra to be hard work the fact that they always think the answer is more guns after sandy hook happened the nra said and i quote none of this would have happened if the teachers had guns i i think theyre forgetting what school was like does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to whenever she came into school that relief teacher came you and your friends would see her and go  oh were gonna make her cry and then shed stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking and youd go youre never getting married are you miss never gonna happen for you then shed get back to her  volkswagen beetle and shed be crying over the steering wheel just why dont they like me lets give that cunt a gun and see how things work out  and then they go oh well answer to that well just add more guns they go well put an armed security guard at every school across america yeah thatll work out the average security guard in america earns  an hour not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero someone comes onto the school and  and youve got kevin now im sure kevins shithot at call of duty but it might not fucking cut it ladies and gentlemen now i understand that when im doing this joke in this room  of you agree with me  of you dont agree with me and i do respect the people who dont agree with me dont think i dont out of the  that dont agree with me  of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and its not to be taken seriously and theyre laughing along cause its just funny jokes right and then the next  have sort of phased out a little bit theyre looking around going wonder how they got that chandelier up there and then theres the last  and theyre fucking furious right now in this room and the people watching at home  of you are fucking seething just and for a couple of reasons first reason im making good points  second reason second reason second reason and this is the big one im foreign and thats pissing the fuck out of you right now and your brain is on a loop and you cant fucking turn it off and its just going around in a circle and youre just going if you dont like it go home if you dont like it go home and my answer to that is no i came here legally i pay my taxes ill say whatever the fuck i want your first amendment means that i can say the second amendment sucks dicks and unless youre an american indian youre a fucking immigrant as well so fuck off people get so precious about it i understand that to americans your constitution is very important i respect it but please understand that every country has one as well its no more special than any other constitution we have one in australia i dont know what it says ive never seen it if theres a problem well check it but everythings going fine and dont get me wrong i get that the constitution is important to you i have had fucking i get it right ive had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as im leaving the theater going  you cannot change the second amendment and im like yes you can its called an amendment if you cant change something thats called an amendment see many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution and if you dont know what a thesaurus is get a dictionary and work your way forward dont think your constitution is set in stone youve changed things before you used to have prohibition in there right and then people were like hey who likes getting fucked up yeah i like getting fucked up too lets get that one out lets get that one out you used to have this other thing in america called uh slavery and then lincoln came along and went thats it no more slaves and  of you went fuck you dont take my slaves and the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns why should i have my slaves taken off me im a responsible slave owner im trained in how to use my slaves safely just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesnt mean that my rights should be taken away from me i i use my slaves to protect my family i keep my slaves locked in a safe thats the thing why should i have my guns taken off me ive done nothing wrong look i agree with you if youre a responsible gun owner and you dont fuck around with them then you should be allowed your guns you really should but thats not how society works we have to play to the  that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us we have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving right i take drugs like a fucking champion right  we should all be allowed to take fucking drugs but we cant can we because sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids oh oh thanks sarah you fucked it up for everyone right everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it right but we cant because jonathan got drunk and ran over a family thanks jonathan now i have to drive at  you fucking idiot see thats the thing why should i have my guns taken off me im responsible just because that guys crazy whos to say youre not crazy thats the thing about crazy people they dont know theyre crazy thats what makes them crazy the only thing you know for sure on this earth is i think therefore i am you know that you exist anything past that is open to interpretation right you know you exist and thats it right now i think im in boston talking to  people thats what i think im doing but there is a good to fair chance that im in a mental home standing in front of a white wall going  i hate guns i hate guns i hate guns  see one of the better arguments is well if you take the guns away then only the criminals will have guns not true when they banned the guns in australia it worked when they banned them in britain it worked okay the bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in sandy hook costs like  american and you can buy it in walmart itll be delivered to your house thats it man  bucks right that same gun in australia on the black market costs  now if you have  you dont need to be a criminal youve got  youre a great little saver keep going so that covers the criminals but that doesnt cover the people who wanna murder your family that are coming after you and your family it kind of does the people who do the massacres it covers them cause they go the kid at colorado who thought he was the joker lets say that he had some social issues the kid at sandy hook was aspergers as fuck right i dont know if you know a lot about the black market but you cant just rock up at the docks going  guns who wants to sell me a gun now im gonna wrap this up we wont talk about it anymore now see the one thing that i do really agree with with the right to bear arms i really agree with that the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government in case the government became a bunch of cunts you could all get your guns and fight back and thats why it was written –  – yeah and that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets but you do know the government has drones right you get that youre bringing guns to a drone fight if we went back to muskets im all for it keep the second amendment if we all have muskets muskets are awesome every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times you know whats good about the musket it gives you a lot of time to calm down someone calls your wife fat and youre like fuck you buddy ah youre not a bad guy youre all right now after the show were gonna go out have a big party around boston see how it goes im not allowed to go to strip clubs anymore my girlfriend has said thats a no cause i dont behave myself in there so im not allowed to go to them anymore cause strip clubs arent what women think they are  it used to be like okay so when a man goes to a strip club its all about girls being as dirty and as horrible to each other as possible thats what men want to see women when they go to their magic mike clubs or whatever the fuck they are women wanna see a guy hey ladies hes a fireman and he comes out with his hose and like that and whenever a stripper takes their clothes off theyve still got the firemans hat on or a tool belt on or policemans gun on a holster right because even when a mans naked a woman wants to know that he has a job when men watch strippers we want them to have a job and that jobs stripping we want to just look at that girl dancing and have a hand full of money and just go you cant take care of your kids its and when men get private dances in these strip clubs i dont know i dont know if women actually know what goes on in those rooms but basically its dry humping theres no dancing the girl gets in front she gets where your cock is pushes it to one side and then she rubs on it and then she stands over and puts her cunt right in your face and you go thats what a private dance is right i dont know if theres private dancing in female strip clubs  i cant imagine that there would be i dont imagine a woman getting out of a back room and going up to her friend and going she goes how was it and she goes well he just sat me down and then he grabbed my genitals and then he dragged his scrotum over my forehead i got to go to the atm so legit got canceled  yeah i know i know it who wouldve thought it wouldve struggled on that great fxx channel that everyone knew about the first season is on netflix this special is being recorded for netflix so you can go watch it there if youre watching the special it was im very proud of it we had two great seasons of really good television and if people didnt now the whole tv show is based around one standup routine that i used to do about having a friend with muscular dystrophy that i took to a brothel which is a true story and so when we cast a character with muscular dystrophy who in the end we used dj qualls and dj qualls is the skinny white guy out of the movie road trip hes the skinny white guy out of the movie hustle  flow and hes the white guy out of the movie hustle  flow now the great thing about dj is he already looks disabled he has that latter stages of aids thing going on its great for casting anyway but i didnt want dj to begin with i wanted a person with muscular dystrophy to make it look authentic and the actors union of america said you cannot do that because basically the problem is people with muscular dystrophy i think are only allowed to work for two hours a day before they get too tired and i said all right what other disabilities and diseases are allowed to work longer and they sent me a list and on this list i said can you get rid of all the contagious ones and what have we got left so i saw every disabled actor in hollywood and ill be honest with you not that many of them i dont know why maybe theyre just lazy they dont wanna work maybe they give up on their dreams rather quickly and none of them were very good either everyone we saw none of them were very good cause acting is all about what you do with your hands none of them knew what to do with their hands and they all came in until this one guy came in i had seen a lot of people that day this guy was the most disabled person id ever seen in my life he was like think of the most disabled person youve seen then double it really super disabled he was shaped like a pretzel he was being carried in by this big russian nurse carried him in he made that great disabled sound of  that one i just loved him anyway so he comes in for the audition and im sitting there and were doing the lines together and at first i didnt know if he was mentally all there either so i was being a little bit patronizing i was going thank you so much for coming in and then we did the dialog together and i didnt have to worry about a thing this kid was funny he was smart his timing was impeccable i thought he was just great and i helped him out of the room and i come back to the director and i said thats our guy thats who we gotta pick and he agreed but we had to see everyone else who was still in the waiting room so the next bloke wheels himself in now obviously hes just a paraplegic if hes wheeling himself in which means the waist down and that didnt really suit me because paraplegics can get themselves to a hooker without my assistance but i thought if hes a good enough actor maybe he can quadup for the role so he comes in he comes in i shake his hand and his leg slightly comes out at the same time and i went whoa whats going on there kicky and he goes oh you got me im not disabled and i said youre fucking what now and he goes im not disabled i just really wanted the role so i rented a wheelchair and i said just shut up so let me this is how your day has mappedout thus far you woke up this morning you drove to the wheelchair rental place you rented a wheelchair you carried it out i assume you put it in the trunk of your car you drove here you got the wheelchair out you carried it up three flights of stairs you went to the waiting room you put it down next to the severely disabled man and his nurse then you sat in it and practiced your lines and he went yeah and i said youre a fucking asshole mate get the fuck out of here and i kicked him out and later on that day im sitting there with all the headshots of all the different actors im gonna call to tell them theyve got parts and im holding this disabled guys headshot and i just think im gonna call this guy up im gonna change his life this is an awesome moment right and im looking at it and he looks super handsome in his headshot he looked really like and i thought this has gotta be the greatest photographer with the fastest shutter in camera history the shutter on his camera has gotta be like  like  and then i read the guys biography and then it dawned on me this guys not disabled either i hated the other fucker for renting a wheelchair this cunt rented a nurse do you wanna know the level of fucking psychosis you have to go through to rent a fucking nurse im all for a method actor get into character three hours before but once you finish the audition stand up and go tada and we would have gone that was very good but ill tell you what you dont do dont make me carry you to your car i carried him down three flights of stairs going you did very good hes like thank you jim   i was uh i go to a therapist cause i get depressed so i got a therapist every now and again i literally had one of those moments with my therapist where she was saying words like im gonna say a word and you say the first thing that comes in your mind like just out of the movies right and she went red and i went blue and then she went cooking and i went food and all that type of stuff we went like this forever and then she went for the last question she went and whats your favorite thing in the world and i went coming on a girls face now now i couldve said things like ice cream is a good answer hank wouldve been an excellent answer but i said coming on a girls face and ive had six months to think about my answer and i stand by it – i –  im not proud of it i hate myself for thinking it its such a horrible thing to do to another human when a girls on her knees and you its so and as an atheist i believe in darwin and all the things that he wrote but he never had a bit where he explained that there was never a bit in his book where he went when a caveman loves a cavewoman hell ejaculate on her face so that flies wont come near there was never that never that moment but by golly if its not fun i find it to look to all the girls who take a load on their face from time to time may i say bravo dont dont think what you do has gone unnoticed we notice we appreciate your work i think you deserve a parade of some kind during memorial day after the vietnam vets before the first gulf war guys we could bring in and heres the women who take a load on their face and you could march out and married men would stand there going god bless you ladies  i enjoy your acting that you do the standard tongue out and the like that i dont know why but i enjoy i know its a lie i know youre not excited but i still appreciate the effort is what i enjoy i love the look because its such a oh jeez im excited too when this come hits my face theres a good chance ill also orgasm anything could happen in this crazy world but this is what redeems us as men this is what redeems us just know that the second the come shoots out of our cock and hits your face our bodies flood with remorse the next  seconds is the nicest we will ever be to you  i go from being an animal to the sweetest guy on earth im like you fucking slut oh i love you ah uh all right no no no put your tongue back in um keep your eyes shut just keep them shut uh all right im going to get a towel ill get a towel ill get you a towel all right youre a wonderful mother to our child   see this is what kills me my son will one day watch this dvd and im the guy whos meant to teach him right from wrong and im there wiping come off his mothers face i think i did something illegal with my son the other day i think it might be illegal tell me if this is illegal all right im in the shower my girlfriend goes off to the gym in the morning and when she came back i was in the shower and hank ran up and he started banging on the glass door of the shower like argh like that and i went  and i saw his little face and i went hello hankie and then in the condensation i drew a little bowtie on him and a little suit and then i gave him a voice bubble that said i love my daddy love hank but i did it so i could read it well of course he could read the k and then i stepped out i stepped out of the bathroom and i went gday hankie and he slapped my cock and he ran off now is that illegal i dont know is it illegal because a a child touched my cock or because b i found it really funny and ive been telling everyone and i cant get angry at him because his whole life hes been lying on mats with things dangling over hes been training for this his entire life i think ive uh i think ive become american more american than i am australian lately and there was a moment where i tipped over where i went oh i think like an american person now and im happy to do it i just ill tell you what happened i was flying around i was doing a tour of australia and i was flying domestically around australia and im so used to airports and stuff here in america that okay what happens is when you go i was flying sydney to melbourne when you fly domestically in australia you go up to the machine put your name in prints your ticket out it prints your bag thing you put the bag thing on your bag yourself and then theres a conveyor belt underneath you throw your bag on bag fucks off you dont speak to anyone then i go up to the gate bit and the ladys going tickets please and im holding my id out like a fucking simpleton cause i get through airports quick man im like fucking there you go and she went put your id away i dont need to see that and i went i think you do and she went i dont why would i need to see your id and i said i might be a terrorist and she went would showing me your id stop you from blowing the plane up no id probably still blow the plane up so then i get up to the tsa conveyor belt thing and im so good at the airports im already taking my shoes off as im walking right and all the australians behind me assume that im american and theyre losing their fucking shit theyre like oh for fucks sake one of these cunts eh and the tsa guy goes hey mate what are you taking your shoes off for and i went  i dont know maybe theyre bombs and he went but theyre not are they i put me shoes back on i get my laptop out everyones going mental and the tsa guy says very politely but extraordinarily sarcastically he goes jeez mate thats a nice computer why are you showing it to everyone it might also be a bomb and then the guy said the most australian thing ive ever heard come out of anyones mouth ever he went oh come on mate you wouldnt have two bombs   im not even quite sure what that means but it does make some type of sense all right oscar pistorius if you havent been following the case youre missing out this is the greatest thing since oj simpson youre fucking missing out mate if you dont know who oscar pistorius is let me fill you in oscar pistorius is a legless man from south africa known as the blade runner he ran in two olympics the disabled and the ablebodied olympics in one year no one has ever done that hes an inspiration to hundreds and millions of disabled and ablebodied people alike and on valentines day last year he shot and killed the hottest girl on earth and thats when he became an inspiration to me cause hot girls have been getting away with too much shit for too fucking long let that be a lesson to all you hot girls out there you cant just say whatever the fuck you want whenever you fucking want  people have feelings you cunts now theres a lot of rumors going around on what happened on that day one of the theories is that they found in her phone he went through her phone and on her phone he found some text messages from a south african rugby player on valentines day right now i dont know if youve ever been to south africa but in south africa rugby is more popular than legless running it goes rugby legless running cricket legless runnings their second sport you wouldnt have thought that anyway im going to reenact what i believe happened that day to do that i will now be doing a south african accent now i know many of you cant tell the difference between my accent and a south african accent heres the difference picture my accent but im punching a black person what im trying to say is south africans are horrible people so shes coming out of the shower shes been drying her hair shes listening to rodriguez or something she comes out hes laying on the bed he looks up at her hes holding the phone and he goes  what the fuck is this ive been through your phone you have been texting a rugby player and shes like oh fuck you who the fuck do you think you are who am i im oscar pistorius the greatest legless runner that has ever been thats who the fuck i am well i would rather be with a rugby player at least he is a whole man not a threequarter man like you –  – i know  oh fuck you no fuck you im leaving you and then she storms out of the room and then he was like you fucking bitch  i hate you  you will rue the day that you left oscar pistorius the blade runner dont go anywhere  i hate you thats where he keeps his legs all right then he put the blades on oh youre in trouble missy i tell you i go to my gun safe she locked herself in the bathroom he shot her through the bathroom door seems like overkill doesnt it bathrooms only have little tiny locks on them but oscars one of the few men on earth that couldnt kick the door in right he was wearing the blades so boing ah so i think oscar will probably go to prison now in south africa one in four people have aids i assume it may even be worse in the prison population now can i say this look ive never raped a man i hate that i have to put a man in that sentence but whatever ive never raped a man but if i was going to rape a man it would be a legless olympian cause in prison its all about getting one up on other people and making people think youre tough and all that like you want to fucking rape me i just raped an olympian bitch is that what you fucking want thered be a wonderful moment when youre in the showers and he was crawling away like the end of a terminator movie  you know what i like about that joke so often when you tell a joke the rapist is the villain in the story but not in that one not in that one hes the hero all right we have to get going soon before i leave – i thank you very much for coming –  no i said soon not over its just soon you cunts so calm down   i always i always find that weird when someone like whistles like that what do they think is going to happen like im going to go fucking you know me mate i was enjoying claps and cheers but what i needed was a highpitched squeal noise thank god you came along to pick up my spirits  love you all right final story now i was in south africa again jeez i dont think ill be working in south africa after this special comes out i used to do like one tour in south africa every year and i just dont know if ill be invited this time theyll be like  we dont like him hes no good anyway so im in south africa and i had to fly back from cape town to los angeles which is like a  flight youve to go up to london and go across cunt of a trip um but it was all right cause i had a business class ticket so i didnt give a fuck and when i travel economy i try to dress up nice cause i like to look good in case someone recognizes me and i might get an upgrade but when ive already got a business class ticket i try to look like a bag of shit cause its important to me that everyone else in business class doesnt want me there and theyre annoyed by my presence so im wearing a white tshirt thats got brown stains on it with a hole in the side im wearing these small shorts with just one testicle hanging out so anyway i go up to the counter up to the business thing with the thing and i go hello and the lady goes  oh mr jefferies im so sorry but you have been downgraded i said you what now she goes business class is full you have been downgraded and i said i understand that business class is full i bought one of the tickets that made it full and she went im sorry sir theres nothing i can do and then i just went are you fucking kidding me now you know when youre dealing with customer service people and they want you to swear cause as soon as you swear they dont have to engage with you anymore they can act like theyre the first adult never to hear a swear word and they can get really offended right so i went are you fucking kidding me and she went please do not speak to me that way i have done nothing wrong and i said are you a white south african telling me youve done nothing wrong anyway tensions rose the manager comes over big fat cunt called simon fulcher right he walks over and goes  what is wrong here what is wrong and i said i bought a business class ticket and i want a business class ticket and he goes what do you want me to do make a new chair for you there are no more seats i cant do anything he goes ill tell you what i can do go up to the executive lounge have some peanuts enjoy a beverage listen to rodriguez and if something opens up we will move you back up to business class so i thought theres nothing i can do so i walk off with my ticket im walking through the airport like fucking british airways bunch of fucking cunts right i get up to the counter and the woman behind the counter said tickets please and i hand over my ticket and she goes  im sorry sir but this is for business class passengers only your ticket says economy on it and i said  i bought a business class ticket but you people have downgraded and as i was doing my little speech she looked past me and went next  listen here you fucking cunt  all right now you say cunt in any foreign country people lose their fucking shit security came from everywhere i was going dont you fucking come near me cunt and i said i want to speak to simon fulcher like im and they go all right they ring the manager up and then they go he goes is it the pale australian man and the guy went yes he goes weve had problems with him let him through right so i go through im sitting there im eating my peanuts and im just angry now going fucking british airways fucking cunts fucking like that and in walks in a group of americans about  of them you know the type right they all and whenever i see americans abroad ill do my impersonation of any american abroad when americans are abroad youre just pointing out shit you see youre just walking around going  oh this is great look at that thats a chair right there okay oh whats that over there okay wonderful great right and this group walked in and one of the women in the group went like this she went  did anyone else see that australian guy speaking to that lady out there some people have no class and i put my head around the pylon and i went you can fuck off and all you dont know what ive been through ive been downgraded and as i said that  other people who were given the same lie that i was given that they were going to be the next people promoted up to business class the penny dropped none of us are getting promoted they all lied to us and we formed an angry militia in seconds it was like a scene out of braveheart and they all stood up and went fucking downgraded and the woman in the group was doing this dont speak to me that way who the hell do you think you are and all the men in the group were like hey why dont you shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up ♪ it doesnt matter these people seem very angry so ♪ and a guy breaks from the group and he tries to calm everyone down and sometimes americans sometimes you can seem a little insincere and he came up and he went  hey hey yeah i get it  downgraded yeah that really grinds my gears i tell you that yeah i would write a stronglyworded letter i really would and then i thought at least this guys being nice and i said look mate dont worry about it its not like its your fault and i said why are you in such a big group anyway and he goes oh were in neil diamonds band thats neil diamonds backup singer you just called a cunt there and as he said that neil diamond walked around the corner like a fucking superhero and i reacted like he was one i went neil diamond and neil diamond went  hey whats going on and then for a second there there was a bit of my brain that thought maybe neil diamond could solve problems and i went neil me and all these people weve been downgraded and neil went oh oh right uh well maybe thats our fault we decided to come back a day early you can fuck off and all neil diamond and then a fight breaks out amongst the neil diamond band and the downgraded punches are thrown not by me i dont know if you have the internet but im not much of a fighter im an excellent scurrierawayer i get down hey what have you got there hiya anyway the airport police came three people were arrested from the downgraded but three people were arrested from the neil diamond band and that meant that three seats opened up in business class  ladies and gentlemen thank you very much good night appreciate it   thank you go home lets have a drink bye�X��   ladies and gentlemen welcome joe rogan  what the fuck is going on san francisco thanks for coming i appreciate it god damn put your phone down fuckface i see you bitch put your phone down motherfuckers they cant use their eyes everybodys gotta live through their goddamn phone whoo im high as fuck whoo its strange i wasnt sure if i was gonna do this sober im like ugh its not the move not in san francisco this is i love pot but the people that are making edibles need to slow the fuck down oh my god what are you trying to do to people i had a pot gummy bear the other day i think we can all agree a gummy bear shouldnt be able to steal your soul right how the fuck are these people making these things man theyre not consistent thats also part of the problem you dont know what youre getting cause theyre not making them the same place where they make tylenol nah its some greasy dude with a grateful dead tshirt on and a gray ponytail hes got a bowl of ingredients and he cant remember whether or not he put weed in yet this dudes time traveling just back and forth he just keeps chucking weed in there until it looks like lawn trimmings you eat it and its not what youre looking for its not regulated you gotta ask questions i asked a dude at the pot store i go hey man how strong are the gummy bears he goes thats not a unit of measurement hes like el diablo el diablo fuck man how much should i take just the leg just the leg why are you selling whole bears what the fuck are you trying to prove man they just watch you leave with that bear they go oh shit they know they know youre not gonna die youre gonna think youre gonna die but everybody lives learn some shit we learn some shit from the scary trips see the thing about edibles one of the problems with it being illegal is that a lot of us dont have a lot of information that we could use like theres a difference between smoking it and eating it when you smoke it you get thc but when you eat it its processed by your liver and it produces something called  metabolite thats five times more psychoactive than thc and it lets you talk to dolphins  this is a real moment that changed my life i was in hawaii and we were on a boat and we were fishing we were pulling these lines behind the boat and i was so high i was trying to figure out which way the earth was spinning like the boats going this way and the suns up there im like um for like  minutes im paralyzed so while this is all happening these dolphins just show up and if youve ever been around wild dolphins theyre very trippy its very different than you expect because they look at you they like check you out they like pop out of the water and they like look at you like a person not like a fucking deer or woodchuck they look at you like another person granted i was so high i thought i was gonna die but im making eye contact with these dolphins and i started thinking how smart are these fucking things because were fishing dolphins eat fish but you never catch dolphins ever no one has ever gone fishing and accidentally caught a dolphin and all i could think of while these dolphins were like hopping through the water and looking at us and shit i was thinking if people lived in the water youd fucking catch em all day they wouldnt even have to live in the water if cheeseburgers just floated down geary street at least once a week a guy would be like im taking a chance and you see em getting yanked up to the clouds fuck we lost billy the bottom of his sneakers in a puff of cloud you dont catch dolphins on fishhooks man thats weird theyre around fishing all the time and like bitch theyre fucking smart how smart well i watched a dolphin documentary and it said they have a cerebral cortex thats  larger than a human beings i dont know what that means but if you say it right and dont fuck up the words it makes you sound smarter than you really are i think what it means is they have big fucking brains but we dont think of them as being smart cause they dont do what we do right they dont send emails they dont have houses but if you lived in their world you dont need anything you dont need your fingers no ones typing they have a language thats so complex we cant understand it all the foods free they stay where the waters warm i started thinking how fucking smart are they what if theyre exactly the same as us what if its just some different branch of evolution we went one way they went the other what if consciousness is the same i was thinking what if me to me is the same as me to a dolphin the way you think of yourself when you say the word me i was like what if thats exactly how a dolphin feels theyre just living life through different biology different genetics different life experiences but if i lived a dolphins life i would be him and if he lived my life he would be me and then i started thinking what if thats the case with people what if everyone is exactly the same were just living life through different bodies what if thats the secret of happiness treat everyone as if its you living another life  i mean and then i thought god damn how good is this weed im getting in california whoo im on a fucking floating craft out in the middle of the ocean talking to water people the problem with treating everybody as if its you living another life is you wanna fucking smack yourself half the people you meet you just wanna fucking smack em we live in the weirdest time ever i mean its the most awesome time ever but its the weirdest time ever too were like that close to president trump –  no boo – no boo you boo but you wont vote you fucks all those bernie sanders people yo bernies the shit did you vote for him voting aint real bro it doesnt even work dude we are that close to president trump bill cosbys a rapist and bruce jenners a chick were in an episode of lost down is up and up is down this is the type of world you get when you give kids participation trophies for getting their ass kicked in soccer games this is the world we get we get a goddamn nerfedup world filled with nonsense nobody wants to be president nobody i hope hillary wins that way we can realize chicks cant do that fucking job either its a stupid job its a stupid job invented back when people used to write with feathers its dumb its just some oldschool shit that we need to get rid of it doesnt make any sense being president is great if theres like  people if theres  people you can figure out which ones the best three hundred million people i have three kids i dont know where the fuck they are right now how is this one dude in charge of  million people its nonsense its so old and stupid they make this guy sleep in this fucking white house if trump wins you know his house is cooler than the white house hes like im not sleeping in that shittyass stupid house trumps probably got like a tube at home that he opens up and a chinese girl just pops out of it and sucks his dick and goes right back in thats what i would do if i had that kind of money were down to assholes wheres elon musk when you need him wheres the fucking geniuses wheres mark cuban no we got an old lady trying to get back at her husband for a blowjob he got in the  we got an old man who hates money and we got a reality tv star with a plastic set of hair you cant have a president with environmental concerns when every time this motherfucker does his hair we lose a foot of ozone layer and a polar bear bursts into flames hes got like a closet full of aqua net at home you cant pretend you dont give a fuck when you have that thing going on dude stop that the white house got broken into while obama was in office the first time in over  years that someone broke into the white house also the first time a girl was guarding the front door by herself what are you trying to say that women cant do everything men can do exactly thats exactly what im saying that seems sexist right people say youre sexist no its not sexist heres why its not sexist cause men cant even do everything men can do see theres no physical equality folks thats why we have the olympics cause theres people that can do some shit that you and i cant do one of those things is guarding the fucking white house i know i cant guard the white house you know how i know because ive met shaquille oneal and his dick is where my face is thats not equality thats not white privilege listen if the white house is experiencing a shaq attack im the wrong dude to save the world i did fear factor with shaq if were holding hands itd be like a sixyearold at the park with his dad were barely the same thing so do i think women should guard the white house no i dont think i should either its not sexist to say that women cant do big physical labor things as good as giant men can but people will tell you it is well im not sexist as a matter of fact my favorite people are all female i have a wife and i have three daughters theyre my favorite people in the world but i could beat the fuck out of all of them okay listen if theyre guarding the door im getting in i dont mean to sound cocky but im just real confident i could fuck them up if i had the flu okay yeah were different were different i could beat up my cat too im not proud of it i just tell you whats up if you wanna bet money bet money on me ill fuck that cat up most likely cats are fucking weird like that man i was petting my cat once and he bit me i was like whoa are we gonna do this what the fuck are you doing here i got a little nervous got a little nervous women can do everything men can do this guys a piece of shit were leaving too much information is going in that i dont agree with what the guy said was total bullshit total bullshit howd that girl get that job ill tell you how that girl got that job because someone let her have that job which means either there were a bunch of guys that were trying to fuck her or her boss was a chick and she hated her either ones possible look if there was a bunch of guys that were trying to fuck her that makes total sense if theres one hot girl and shes working with five guys in an office no works getting done in that office that office is now just an audition to see which guy gets to fuck her each one of those guys will just slowly start to morph to figure out what this girl likes men become like an octopus that tries to fit its way through a keyhole theres gotta be a fucking way theres gotta be a fucking way you got this girl whos like i could guard the front door oh you could definitely guard the door no doubt no doubt and over time if this woman doesnt sleep with one of these men and claim him over time these guys will just start morphing and theyll just start saying ridiculous preposterous shit debbie wants to guard the front door do you have a problem with that no i dont as a matter of fact i think women are amazing plus im vegan and they will just they will wear patchouli they will do what the fuck they have to do next thing you know poor fucking debbie at the front door why am i alone  the whole story is so bananas and its one of my favorite stories so im gonna give you the whole story of the breakin at the white house with no edits and no comic exaggerations this is the real story cause a lot of people think theres some grand conspiracy theres some cabal of evil geniuses thats pulling the strings on everyone in america its most likely that people are just dumb as fuck in all sorts of walks of life this is the story this is the real story about the person who broke into the white house first of all people are always worried the governments checking out my emails bro the governments watching us all the time they pulled this guy over two months before he broke into the white house he had four handguns two rifles and a machete with him they didnt even watch him he had a map on the map was washington and it had an x where the white house is theyre like youre good to go they let him go two months later this motherfucker broke into the white house and why did he break into the white house why do you break into the white house ever because you want to die you dont thats like a suicide run thats the only reason why someone runs toward the white house if you had to ask someone what kind of security do you think they have at the white house oh dude they got snipers on every corner they got lasers in the grass if you get too far they open up a door you drop right into jail nope turns out they dont even have a dog you just fucking run the guy who made it into the white house he had  rounds of ammunition in his car left that there took a knife thats a guy who wants to die hes just sitting in his fucking car going fuck the government fuck my exwife and fuck everybody im gonna do this fuck you just sprinting oh my god im doing it oh my god im doing it thinking with every step this is gonna be the last step of my life no this is gonna be the last step of my life no this and he gets to the front door its unlocked he opens it theres a girl there by herself smacks her to the ground and just starts running through the hall ah hes probably going why am i alive hes probably thinking he was inside for minutes for minutes running around he got tackled by an offduty officer he was probably thinking i wanted to die i dont want to go to fucking jail will somebody please shoot me then he was probably pissed where are my tax dollars going what kind of security are you fucking people running in this place imagine when obama found out a girl was guarding him he was probably like everybody everybody not that much diversity i mean what are you playing fucking fairy tale games here obamas got a hard job cause hes the first president thats ever been around while google was here you know he could google his own name if he gets crazy in the middle of the night right so let me see what the people have to say hed just go obama is a  im none of those fucking things freakin out shit  probably thinking why the fuck did i do this i think the guy who broke into the white house and obama probably have a lot in common in that they went for it but they probably never really thought they were getting in there you cant quit once youre the president the moment obama actually got into office like good morning mr president he was probably like oh no what the fuck did i do this for i didnt think i was actually gonna get in  i cant sleep im freaking out everybody wants to kill me  who the fuck is guarding me looks out in the hallway theres a girl taking selfies thatd be the greatest selfie of all time a girl with her ass out duck lips in the background a dudes breaking into the white house  you know im not making this up youve all seen this this is recognizable pigeontoed is a good move cause you cant get away that good you just like like theres something wrong with your back thats a recognizable pose when did that start cause if you look at the original pictures back when people first invented pictures everybody just stood there looking hungry like if you saw a photo from the  and in the background a girl was going shes a fucking time traveler nobody knew that move back then somebody had to see their face oh people like that they like what im doing combo a twohole combo attractor its all over online it gets you a lot of likes i saw a gal on instagram she has eight million followers all she does is take pictures of her ass thats it shes got a winning formula she sticks with it no witty memes theres no inspirational quotes mnhmnh mnhmnh just a lot of this different ways and shes just a regular girl man im watching this im like this is a different kind of person she has eight million people that have no idea what her voice sounds like she doesnt have a job that they like she doesnt have an occupation that they follow theyre just staring at her ass this is a new kind of human theres never been a person psychologically thats had to navigate those kind of waters if you really stop and think about it science should really step in and start looking at this dont go to south america to study some new frog that nobody gives a fuck about theres a girl in florida with eight million people staring at her ass how does this girl keep a relationship what is her day like how many dick pics does she get sent how many dick pics does that girl receive on a daily basis is it like the national debt counter was just fucking spinning out of control constantly i bet if she turns on the notifications her phone just starts screaming and runs away from her i bet if she deletes all the dick pics from her phone it would be physically lighter this is a new kind of person we really have to understand theres never been a person like this before and shes just a person like that kind of influence that kind of attractant thats a very strong drug to have in the hands of just a girl and as a guy who has daughters i just think of that like thats kind of fucking thats weird because this girl has eight million people staring at her ass eight million creeps and weirdos and perverts objectifying her i mean i follow her but im not like those other assholes im different i care i care about who she is im a nice person im a hero or something  im different those other guys are assholes men are noble men are noble and true mmm if we get to come if men dont get to come we get real sméagollike real quick just a few months of no dates  mesus is just so disappointed with all the mens mesus meets mesus is so embarrassed at how other mens talks to you mmm oh everyone wants to set themselves up as being the noble one everybody wants to be matthew mcconaughey to save the world on a rocket ship theres people that are signing up to go to mars do you know about this theres a mission to mars a manned mission to mars where  people have signed up to be amongst the four people to die on mars theyre gonna take a oneway trip to mars thats some sad shit for a bunch of reasons first of all its some sad shit cause thats  people that dont have any real friends right if its someone you love your real friend if one of my friends is gonna move to florida ill be like bitch where the fuck are you going youre gonna go to florida we cant hang out if you go to florida why the fuck are you moving to florida man but you might be able to deal with it we can just visit each other every now and then but if your friend was gonna move to mars youd be like oh really get in the fucking car just get in the car dude take him out to death valley look around sucks right mars sucks worse get back in the car stupid jesus christ theres places in america you cant live man you dont wanna live in detroit why the fuck are you talking about moving to mars people really consider moving to mars its one of the dumbest ideas ever but if you say that people will ecobro you have you ever been ecobroed these people will find an opportunity to virtue signal over you as michael shermer likes to point out like puff their chest out and say that theyre probably better than you hey dude seriously you think theres something wrong with going to mars well i dont know if youve paid attention man we maybe should colonize mars cause californias almost out of water then hell nod like yeah bitch were right next to the ocean what the fuck are you talking about look at all that water you fly over it it takes a day the worlds blue its more water than it is not water we have a salt problem we dont have a water problem suck the salt out of the water we got a goddamn party instead of pissing and moaning too complicated bro we gotta go to neptune oh my god youre fucking crazy were a crazy race filled with crazy people were like a dude with a dirty house like man i gotta build a new house no you gotta stop shitting in your kitchen stop piling up newspapers youre never gonna read in front of your bathroom you fuck were crazy oneway trip to mars a oneway trip in coach with three other people so fucking stupid theyre willing to die on mars with you great what great conversation youre gonna have its nonsense folks my friend was like theyre not gonna die on mars man if people are smart enough to figure out how to get to mars theyre smart enough to figure out how to get back heres why that doesnt make any sense people smart enough to get to mars arent going see thats the dirty secret about rocket travel ladies and gentlemen nobody smart enough to make a rocket ever gets in one of those fucking things no no they look at each other right before the launch and they go they talk german and they get behind giant fucking concrete bunkers they take some squarejawed cornfed dude from the middle of the country tuck a bible under that dudes arm and strap him into that giant metal dick and shoot it off into the heavens thats what we do and that is what that is that is a metal dick its a robot dick and were trying to fuck the sky we are literally trying to come people out of the tip of a metal dick onto other planets our ultimate goal is that we get those planets pregnant and theyre too filled up with people and then they gotta make a new metal dick bro we gotta go to jupiter then they make another one they shoot that fucking thing and they fill jupiter up we just keep filling the cosmos up with people and we never evolve and we never change we stay perfect like we are right now whos in youre gonna all come with me were gonna leave here right now and go to the church of scientology right down the street and its all gonna make sense when you find out that you are an eternal being that created reality so that you can enjoy it i watched that hbo documentary a couple too many times i went clear i think i think im clear im back im back now if you havent seen  i had to watch going clear a scientology documentary cause i have a neighbor whos a scientologist and i dont even think hes gay i dont know what the fucks going on  but he sleeps really close to me you know like my beds here this fucking dudes beds like over there his house is i mean if you take away the walls hes fucking right there its like what does this crazy fuck believe and scientology is a wonderful religion not just because it was written by a science fiction author who wrote more fake shit than anyone thats ever walked the face of the earth and not by a small amount this dude never made a second draft in his fucking life everything was one draft of nonsense and he wrote more of it than anybody not in his neighborhood not in his state not in a year not in a decade more than anyone thats ever lived ever and scientology is still like i dont see any red flags i think were good i think this is legit as fuck if scientology is a good religion its because other religions get to make fun of em its like its the one religion that even the mormons are like bitch you believe what hold on i mean at least we dont have video of joseph smith theres some fucking shitty black and white footage of l ron hubbard with a captains outfit on you wanna explain that  why does he have all those awards on why is tom cruise wearing a gold medal the size of a dinner plate what the fuck is going on with you people i watched it with my mom and it was like first of all scientology they dont pay taxes thats disturbing theyre taxfree which means theyre a recognized religion by the government of the united states which means the government of the united states had to go over what they believe and went everything seems in order none of this shit seems like a cult well what the fuck is a cult and whats a religion so i had to look it up turns out i dont know who wrote this but its a perfect definition a cult is bullshit its created by one person that person knows its bullshit in a religion that dudes dead so its a religion cause l ron hubbards dead so i guess they got it on a loophole i watched it with my mom and my mom was like i cant believe anybody would fall for that you made me go to catholic school the fuck are you talking about there was a child molester dressed like a sorcerer sitting on a golden throne and you made me call him father slow your roll lady imagine if i talked to my mom like that oh my god jokes folks just jokes i dont have a problem with people being religious because i just think life itself is too openended its too confusing and i think were evolving and part of our struggle in evolving is unanswered questions we wanna seek these answers but in the meanwhile they just give you so much anxiety and it fucks with you so much theres nothing wrong with joining a cult i think you gotta just join a nice friendly one like the mormons are a good cult heres why they dont get mad at anybody like they never kill anybody like heres a perfect example matt stone and trey parker the guys who created south park they made a hilarious musical called the book of mormon its fantastic if you havent seen it its so fucking hilarious but its also brutal brutal about the mormons you know what the mormons did they went to see it and they took out a fullpage ad in the playbill it said if you enjoyed this musical and you wanna find out more about being a mormon please visit our website they just took it right on the chin like champs they didnt get mad they didnt get defensive they didnt kill anybody thats a good cult they just said what do you wanna do we got nine wives shut the fuck up everybody just everybody just chill just chill thats a good religion thats a good cult some cults arent that good they get fucking testy you know the one we dont have to say who you know what im talking about theres that one that will kill you if you draw their guy come on man i cant even draw your dude what if i draw a dude drawing your dude no loopholes fuckin relax bro and this isnt just theoretical people have died cause they made cartoons before the most recent paris attacks there was a magazine called charlie hebdo and they were attacked where  cartoonists were killed eleven more were wounded and they killed a cop too fucking crazy over cartoons and when you when theres radical crazy people in the world whats interesting is the reaction to radical crazy people and how everything just sort of kind of balances itself out when things get weirdbecause when these people got killed over a cartoon the whole world was in shock the whole world was outraged but one of the scariest things about it was nobody wanted to print those pictures you couldnt see em in the la times you couldnt find them in time magazine you had to go online and find them it was a dark moment for free speech because everybodys like oh i dont wanna get killed i dont wanna show the pictures it was weird until the balance because after they got killed and nobody wanted to print the pictures word got back to texas where they promptly held a draw muhammad contest in garland texas im not making a word of this up you can google it and ill wait they had a draw muhammad contest in garland texas two dudes showed up started shooting at the building they were killed almost instantly why because they were at a draw muhammad contest in texas how obvious does a trap have to be before you start getting suspicious what are you livin in a wile e coyote cartoon motherfucker you ever go to texas thats not santa monica bitch thats a totally different kind of white people those are some wild west people that have computers and modern guns theyre not supposed to be there people didnt evolve in texas its not like they were monkeys then they became people and they stayed in that spot no no they landed on boats on the east coast the stubborn ones stayed the smart ones made it to california but along the way we lost a bunch of people  and some of them just stuck around yall go ahead were gonna hang back here im gonna draw the biggest dick the worlds ever seen in the sand my wifes got the biggest titties imma try to fuck a snake i think it can be done they just stayed they just gathered cattle stockpiled ammo and they all talk alike and thats why you gotta be nervous you gotta be nervous in places with accents okay its one of the reasons why i can prove that california is the best spot to live cause all the spots that suck they all have to sound like each other cause i grew up in a place like that i grew up in boston its not that the people in boston suck but the weather sucks its fucking horrible and in the winter everybody gets in their car in the morning and just goes fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck and everybodys worried about its a real possibility you might starve to death one day you might freeze trying to walk home  so they all talk in the same way oh my god how many more months till summer ahhh when is this fucking winter gonna be over we need more firewood  they have to sound like the people around them so if other people invade like we stick together were all in this together thats how they are in texas too theyre like yall aint from around here are ya they have a fucking certain way of talking which is proof positive why california is the best spot try making fun of a california accent what are you gonna do speak clear and concise what are you gonna do you gonna mock us youre gonna say some shit that everybody understands theyre not supposed to be in texas folks its not even a state its a republic they were like man we aint so sure about this whole united states thing were gonna hang back hang back see how this plays out they dont have any rules they have like three pages of rule books heres how i know this im gonna tell you a fact a fact about texas that will change the way you think about texas there are more tigers in captivity in texas in private collections than there are in all of the wild of the world im gonna repeat it because i know youre like oh the fear factor guy is just making shit up to make his jokes work no theres more tigers in dudes yards in texas than the rest of the fucking planet how is that possible because they can because they went through the rule book  it dont say shit about tigers order it up dude order it up dude one guy got a tiger and his neighbors like shit i didnt know we could get tigers and he got two tigers and the first guy was like i aint about to let this faggot outtiger me and he opened up tiger world with his oil money were gonna need those people folks if the russians invade we cant make fucking warrior babies with those chicks in marin county with fake asses and rubber lips okay were gonna need some real warrior genes were gonna need some women who wear nonironic daisy dukes they got cowboy boots with no socks and stinky feet and they yell out chris kyle rest in peace when you make em come we need those women if the russians come we gotta be ready think about the children think about the children while i get a sip this is super important ladies and gentlemen a lot of people are sleeping on  imagine if i had real points oh jesus christ  i love you fuckers too man so excited to be here  i have kids and i lie to them i get high around em too people say you shouldnt do that but they dont see it they say you shouldnt be intoxicated around your children well im not im high i call it elevated its a different thing the people who have a problem with that they dont understand what getting high is like they think youre gonna be to your kid like who are you what do you think whats the worst thing that can happen if im a little high around my kid theyre gonna get extra hugs and daddys going to be paranoid about objects look out dont go there thats it plus i have cool conversations i have a sixyearold daughter man theres not a lot of  man and  girl have in common other than the fact shes my daughter and so our conversations are normally pretty boring but when im high im like you know you call that thing your baby your doll you call it your baby but you know its not a baby right yeah i know its not a baby do you call it a baby because youre the youngest and you like having someone who is responsible for you maybe okay thats cool thats cool give me a hug i love you  its weird man its weird raising little people theres some things that i didnt expect one of the things i didnt expect is you have to lie to them like you dont have to lie to them about a lot of things but you have to lie to them about santa claus its just one of those things man cause its like a community you have to think about what your kids gonna tell other kids because when it comes to santa claus you dont want your kid to be one of two things you dont want your kid to be the first kid that tells everyone that santa claus is bullshit cause that kids an asshole but you dont want your kid to be the last kid that figures out that santa claus is bullshit cause that kids a moron so you got you got a little bit of youre like oh no when do we do this when do we do this and no one knows when to do it you just let the kids figure it out then theyre like dad what the fuck youre like aw oh i missed the boat i missed the boat nobody knows when to do it nobody can be honest about it they have little meetings and shit and im like when do we tell em this lady goes when theyre  theyre gonna be fucking by then i told her it was funny she didnt believe me im like oh im sorry im off by a year thats not as funny but its i didnt mean it but its this thing they want to keep the kids in the dark and they wanna pretend theyre the only one thats teaching the kid this is a weird thing that people do theyre like i teach my kids man i teach my kids eh when you see em but unless youre some freak who homeschools your children in the forest your kids gonna go to school theyre gonna go to school and theyre gonna be in a class with  other kids the teacher only makes  bucks a year and shes thinking about dick thats all shes thinking about shes thinking about getting stuffed shes a young fertile woman who loves kids and shes writing on that chalkboard and the kids all huddle up and share information like yeah what did your dad tell you your dad tell you that yeah my dad says santa claus is fucking bullshit okay you ever go near a chimney its that big what the fuck teachers coming play with blocks act stupid uh how does this work they play dumb they play dumb theyre like little prisoners trying to figure their way out they make little papiermâché heads and pretend theyre napping theyre little humans they wanna run shit who is these people telling us what to do are they being straight with us man what the fuck is going on i knew the day my daughter knew that santa claus is bullshit she came home stared me down she was like maddogging me she took her book bag and just goes  walked right up to the chimney looking at me how the fuck dad have you ever met santa claus no honey ive never met him but you let him in the house and theres this moment it was a moment where a sevenyearold has you at checkmate youre like oh shit i dont know whether to highfive her or to keep lying you wanna go yeah you got me you got me you got me thats bullshit no the big bang is real but this is bullshit the big bang sounds even less real the problem is you have to be consistent if youre teaching your kids nonsense you gotta teach em only nonsense you cant mix nonsense in with like real stuff like my daughter will go like how do birds fly i go birds have bones that are hollow so theyre really light then they have feathers which cover a large surface area and they use the hollow bones and the feathers to push down on the air see the air looks like its nothing right but its actually a bunch of gases thats why the trees move when the wind blows the birds can manipulate that and go through  space whoa yeah nature is crazy yeah how does the fat man get through the little hole magic christmas magic now go to bed im trying to fuck your mom go to bed  jokes folks just jokes cant talk like that thats how you make strippers you gotta be nice theyre little tiny people theyre adorable they dont know anything yet you gotta teach em everything you cant talk mean  kids are a lot like really fucking stupid people in that if you get ten really stupid people in a room the most confident one just starts running shit they dont have to have any more information they just have to be more confident if you get a bunch of dummies together theyre like i dont know whats going on i dont know whats going on i fucking do i fucking do the guy doesnt have to have any extra data he just has to be the only one thats confident and thats what its like in school my daughters class has this fucking kid named debbie and every day its debbie says oh fucking debbie says debbie says what you dont think about that before you have kids not only are you gonna have kids but your kids are gonna make friends and then you have to make friends with the fucking parents of your kids and some of em are crazy my daughters like debbie says adam and eve are the only two people in the world and all people came from them is that true  and this is weird like you dont know what to do right you want to be diplomatic you dont want to cause problems at school but you gotta be honest and one of the most difficult things to say to a kid is i dont know im like sweetie i dont know i dont know if adam and eve is where people came from but nobody knows because no one from today is alive back then so its not something you can measure so its not something you can see so we dont know but heres what we do know you know how some people have big ears and some people have little ears yeah well some people have brains that are made out of dog shit and they get horny too and what happens is they have to find someone even dumber than them to have sex with its like the opposite of evolution and then they have a kid and their kid is fucked their kid is fucked and everybody wants to pretend its a level playing field theres no level anywhere you look is an eagle and a salmon level does the salmon ever get to eat the eagle no the universe does not want even it wants conflict and resolution and constant improvement okay im gonna shut this light out and im gonna go fuck your mom right in the mouth all right i dont say these things i dont say any of these things i was like i dont know maybe debbies right doesnt make sense to me how would that work how would that work it wouldnt work would it adam and eve are the only two people they have kids and then where do all the other people come from i guess the kids just start fucking each other is that what happens mom fucks the kids or the yeah exactly debbies parents they were at my house man for a cookout and the dude told me the earths  years old theyre young earth christians theyre sweet people by the way before i shit on them im gonna shit on them but before i shit on them theyre sweet theyre really nice people i hug em every time i see em theyre really kind nice people but they just found a part of their brain theyre like i have no use for this  chucked that whole logic discerningreason part this fucking things confusing theyre young earth christians which means they follow the strictest interpretation of the bible possible im like how many people believe the earth is less than  years old uh i looked it up theres a recent gallup poll that said that  of america believes the earth is less than  years old  heres why you shouldnt be scared they can only measure people dumb enough to answer polls and when you factor that in youre talking about a really small number cause you know what the average response is if you call people up and say how olds the earth number one answer is older than your mothers pussy and then they hang up number two answer is fuck you after that you start throwing numbers around and only  of those dummies were stupid enough to think the earth is  years old thats debbies fucking parents so out of the people that answer polls is it even  it might be  only  are that fucking stupid and thats the  we should really be worried about were worried about the wrong  not that we shouldnt be worried about the really rich greedy people we definitely should we should definitely worry about bankers and people who theyre just stockpiling resources they could help the world in some really impossible ways for anybody else but they dont theyd rather just pile up their gold  yeah that  is awful but theres another  that freaks me the fuck out that no ones talking about thats the  who leave comments on youtube videos who the fuck are those freaks could you imagine people talking to each other like that in real life and not beating the shit out of each other i mean if jesus christ himself came back from the dead and had a youtube page the first comment would be you aint shit without your dad pussy these are monsters this is not a normal persons response normal people dont leave comments what a normal person does they watch a video they like it or they dont like it thats it it ends right there but what youre dealing with is the process of racism and child abuse and neglect and shitty genes and the insane clown posse is playing they know all the words and theyre wafting up their farts and their cheez doodle fingers and like an open letter to jennifer lopez let me pause and just jerk off in my shirt real quick here  ugh dear jennifer dont you think its about time you dress a little more classy what are your children gonna see when they see just fucking think of the meanest most biting shit thats gonna cut it as if jennifer lopez has time in between eating diamonds and fucking all her background dancers in a castle that she built with her ass but you know let me check the youtube comments to see if my selfesteems on point oh and you know whos dumber than them me cause i read their shit and i get mad i know theyre stupid i still get upset fuck this is the world folks this is the world were living in are we happy im not sure – is this what we wanted i dont know –  no – no –  no – are you sure –  no why are you doing this what is this what are you doing are you fighting for freedom – whats happening –  no are you white panthers what is this  life sucks – what are you saying –  life can kind of suck sometimes life can kind of suck maybe its how youre livin it bitch life can kind of suck its the greatest time ever to be alive yeah id live in the old days when you could die from crabs it doesnt get any better than today man so stupid make america great again its as good as its ever been what the fuck are you saying we have  everywhere when has it been better we have netflix when has it been better come on man stop its never been better this is as good as its ever been its just weird its just weird you gotta get your shit together bitch dont blame the world god damn it damn it man and listen if youve seen any of this show and you said i think some of the stuff youre saying is really funny but i sense a lot of like macho posturing from you i sense a lot of like bullshit toughguy stuff youre totally correct and what it is is i live with all women okay and im becoming more of a bitch every day of my life and i just wanna say im not unhappy ive never been more happy in my life this is the happiest ive ever been but when youre with all girls like you have all girls all the time you have to make little compromises you dont think about it while its happening its like the rock doesnt think about the water carving a path through it but eventually that fucking path is gonna get deep and when youre with all people that are different than you they just go hmm they just start looking at you like little raptors testing the fence  theyll just start poking at you its what people do its natural its just what people do if you live with people that all are on att and youre on verizon theyre like dude look at my bars make the switch come on over what are you a fucking democrat dude libertarian is where its at wake up join us when youre with all girls they just start they constantly fuck with my manhood its like ill come home and some new thing is painted pink im like why is this pink it looks better pink daddy it looks better pink daddy and my wifes like i think theyre right im like oh i see what the fuck is going on here its mutiny they just chip chip chip away its like if my manhood was a mountain of marbles every day they steal two they just walk up to my stack you cant say shit you cant say shit cause its only two marbles and youre like i still got all these marbles everything is gonna be okay ill deal with this eventually but youre not gonna deal with it every day two more marbles you never get those marbles back you see it comin you dont do anything about it youre like i gotta go to sleep all right everybody stop crying i gotta go to sleep and men dont want to admit that not me bro not me bro id rather just live in the woods by myself what are you a fucking coldplay song huh what are you a character in a book you piece of shit no ones honest no ones honest about how much we need other people thats why the characters that we adore so much in the movies are the people that dont need people the people who just walk away from it all like wow what a rebel but in real life we need people so bad that the worst shit you can do to a prisoner is put them in solitary confinement so think about that youre in a cement box filled with rapists and murderers and the worst shit they can do is leave you alone were fucking weird we are weird cause what we are really is were some weird superorganism that like needs each other in some sort of strange way but were all in denial im kind of a loner oh shut the fuck up theres no such thing its not real every person in this room me included all of us we are all a calculation were all an ongoing onrunning calculation of all the interactions youve ever had with all the people that youve ever met and you do a bunch of things that people like and start doing more of that youre like ill do more of that you find things that people dont like youre like ill keep that shit to myself hmm i dont like that feeling hmm thats what we do thats what we do its weird we dont want to admit it but thats who we all are and im just telling you this because ive never been more of a bitch right now i have slowly but surely bent until im in this position this is how im riding out my days just like this okay okay okay okay but im also telling you right now that im not going out like bruce jenner oh thats right politically correct san francisco heres my take on this bruce jenner thing and you know everybody has their own not really this is what everybodys take is this is the take that youre supposed to have hes always been a woman trapped in a mans body maybe definitely maybe definitely people are like that definitely there are people who were born in the wrong gender and am i saying they should stay their gender no who gives a fuck you should do whatever you wanna do you should be happy you should be free i dont care what you do but its also possible that maybe if you live with crazy bitches long enough you become one thats all im saying i dont see this discussed it is entirely possible if you put a praying mantis on a leaf it becomes the color of the leaf why because it wants to live it wants to survive it wants to be accepted by its environment you show me a man whos lived with the kardashians for ten years who didnt come out a chick and then well have some data okay cause right now we lost a fucking american olympian and i want you to have some respect were down bruce jenner and ive got a close eye on kanye west and i dont exactly like what im seeing  look at kanye west hes a very talented young heterosexual man who starts a clothing line hes clearly jealous about taylor swift and he tweets like a cokedup stripper in the middle of the night you dont see what im seeing we are watching the plot of a fucking stephen king book play out an american athletic hero moves in with a woman whos made hundreds of millions of dollars through no way anyone can explain to anyone he breaks up with her she turns him into a chick the whole world tells him hes beautiful you tell me you dont see what im seeing you have to say you have to say shes beautiful shes beautiful shes not beautiful and neither am i look i look like a thumb with two thumbs okay you put me in a dress id be even more disgusting beautys unusual theres a lot of cool shit that isnt beautiful sixtyyearold dudes in skirts are on that list jesus fucking christ what kind of games are we playing here why are you lying to children thats beautiful what are my kids gonna think when they see a mountain or a rose is that beautiful too daddy explain ahhh bang i cant the worlds gone fucking bananas what youre saying is horribly transphobic and incredibly regressive you should be embarrassed at what youre doing youre doing this just to get laughs at someone elses expense maybe or maybe bruce jenner lived with demons maybe they waited by the bed until they knew he was in heavy rem sleep so they could assume their true form  climb up and kick off their designer shoes to reveal black ravens claws clutched the edge of the bed and just whispered in his ear   bruce  we would like you better if you were one of us  i cant i cant be one of you i was i was born a man nonsense   nonsense bruce you no longer can be held prisoner by the gender of your birth youre free bruce  your lips are too thin for the cover of vanity fair huh what wait wait did you say the cover okay are you fucking with me because you know the covers always been my dream it can be real  it can be real all dreams can be real through surgery sleep  thank you very much san francisco i had a great fucking time with you savages lets take a selfie shit we got it putting together one of these fucking specials is stressful as shit i appreciate the fuck out of all you people being here tonight and i love you guys thank you very much  ���A
X��all right petunia wish me luck out there you will die on august   thats pretty good all right hello hello chicago nice to see you again thank you that was very nice thank you look now youre a wonderful crowd but i need you to keep your energy up the entire show okay because no no no thank you some crowds some crowds they have big energy in the beginning and then they run out of places to go so i dont judge those crowds by the way okay weve all gone too big too fast and then run out of room weve all made a happy birthday sign wait you get that poster board up and youre like i dont need to trace it i know how big letters should be to begin with a bigass h followed by a bigass a and oh no oh god okay all right real skinny p with a high hump and then well put the second p below the hump of that first p sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation and now i have no room for the y so ill do a kind of curledup noodle y block letters and cursive look good together and then you go to write birthday and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with happy youre like yeah but the past is the past bigass b surely more letters will fit in the same space youre very friendly here in chicago i mean were all violent here but youre very friendly no really and i dont like confrontation cause ive never been in a fight before though maybe you could tell that from the first moment i walked out on stage i dont give off that vibe some people give off a vibe of right away theyre like do not fuck with me my vibe is more like hey you could pour soup in my lap and ill probably apologize to you when i walk for real my feet go out like this im so open and vulnerable i look like a doll that you point out molestation on show us on this white comedian where the man touched you its been a while since ive been home to chicago i got married since then thank you i married my wife i love saying my wife it sounds so adult thats my wife its great you sound like a person i said it even before we were married we were just dating and we were once getting on an airplane and annas ticket didnt say anything and my ticket said priority access it doesnt matter why but we were getting on and i said uh can my wife board with me and they were like yes of course right this way and i was like oh that is so much better than all those times i was like can my girlfriend come and yeah i shouldnt have said it that way but still my wife just has some kickass to it you know get away from my wife no one talk to my wife marriage is gonna be very magical i didnt kill my wife thats like ooh whos that fella i bet he did kill his wife being married is so nice i never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself thats not really a joke thats just a little sweet thing i like to say cause id been in relationships where i got cheated on like long ones i dont know if youve ever been in a long relationship where you got cheated on but it changes your whole worldview cause when i was a kid i used to watch americas most wanted you know how kids do and i would always think to myself how could another person kill someone how could a human being kill another human being and then i got cheated on and i was like oh okay im not gonna do it but i totally get it and i dont mean in that way of like no one else can have you i dont care about that its just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly they have a lot of information anyone whos seen my dick and met my parents needs to die i cant have them roaming around i talked to a lot of people before i got engaged you know and i heard this expression about whether or not you should get married this is an old expression people say this they say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free you ever heard that before its a bananas insulting expression to an entire gender but also it makes no sense why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free youre not allowed to milk a cow that you dont own thats not even a situation was that a problem at one point like in the dairy community was that happening a hundred years ago in some village some dutch prick was sneaking in at night being like ahhaha i take your milk and the farmer was like well then this is your cow now and he was like no no proof of purchase and he ran off into the night that sounded dutch right you know what that you know what that expression means it means why would you marry a woman if shes already having sex with you which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore now its like why buy the cow uh maybe because every day the cow asks you when youre gonna buy it and  you live in a really small apartment with the cow so you cant avoid that question at all and also the cow is way better at arguing than you are and the cow grew up in a family that knows how to argue why buy the cow uh maybe because every time another cow gets bought you have to go to the sale and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale and your cow looks over at you the entire time like and does not enjoy the sale at all even though shes the one that wanted to go to the sale and shes especially mad because that farmer and cow met like eight months after you guys met why buy the cow well lets be real here youre very lucky to have the cow that you do have roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for john by the most liberal of estimates there have been about eight cows total several unmilked and a lot of people think that you like bulls and if you just bought they assume it when you search your name the third thing to come up is like john mulaney bull and if you just bought the cow nobody would say that anymore theyll still say it cause there are those guys who they buy a cow and then on the side total matador but but for real chicago why buy the cow lets be real why buy the cow because you love her you really do and yeah yeah sure shes a bossy little jew but  she takes care of you and you dont wanna be some old man stumbling around like hey you seen any loose milk my wife is jewish shes a new york jew i did it now i was raised catholic i dont know if you can tell that from the everything about me my wife is jewish i grew up catholic so we got married by a friend being married by a friend is a beautiful ceremony that alienates both families religions while confusing the elderly people at the wedding whats the name of the bishop thats actually standup comedian dan levy he was the host of mtvs your face or mine i saw a lot of catholic weddings though because i was an altar boy and a hush falls over the room isnt it weird how that became a scandalous thing that was just some boring shit i had to do on weekends but now its like saying i was a french maid for a period of time i was treated well in my day i worked for a variety of sirs no being an altar boy was just a boring gig you know youd serve mass and then youd serve weddings sometimes my brother was once an altar boy at a wedding and he was standing there with another altar boy in this big packed church in chicago where we grew up and the bride was coming down the aisle and the organ was playing and all the pews were filled and the bride got all the way to the altar and the groom lifted the veil off of the bride and right at that moment the other altar boy said aw shes ugly and then they looked and they were right next to the video camera and i know thats awful but wouldnt you give a million dollars to see that wedding video it was the best moment of this stupid womans life and shes walking down the aisle and the organs like and she gets all the way to the altar to her betrothed and he unveils her to the world and to the eyes of god and right at that second for no reason at all some cheetofingered ratmustached  prick decides to go aw shes ugly hopefully the videographer knew some sound editing so he could fix it to be like aw shes beautiful shes enchanting i grew up catholic i dont go to church anymore but i went on christmas eve with my parents cause you know how you lie to your parents so we go into the church and i was like i got this under control and then i got schooled because they introduced a bunch of new shit no i was going through mass and i was batting like  and then in the middle of mass the priest said peace be with you and everyone said and with your spirit and i was the one  asshole going and also with you what huh what huh what when when for those of you that arent catholic i dont mean to exclude you even though we love to exclude you but theres a part in church where the priest says peace be with you and for many many years we all said – and also with you – very good but they changed it to and with your spirit because thats what needed revamping in the catholic church that was the squeaky wheel that needed the grease in rome they were like lets see what problems can we solve problem one no im actually glad they changed that though i never liked and also with you i always found that clunky and also with you thats not how you talk – have a nice day – and also you having one its just a little bit wrong isnt it its just a little off like when someones like how are you and youre like nothing much and it sort of makes sense never begin a sentence with and also you just immediately sound caught offguard it sounds like if at the first church ever like they werent expecting it like the priest was like hey this is the first time weve ever had church i just wanna say peace be with you and they were like what oh uh yeah and also you should have some hey thats good lets keep that for  years and then change it to trick john my wife and i dont have any children we have a dog we have a little puppy named petunia shes a tiny little french bulldog puppy i like having a puppy thats a bulldog cause its like having a baby that is also a grandma her body is young her face is as old as time she definitely saw the nazis march into paris she always gives me this look of like oh the things i have seen you cocksucker you have no idea the gestapo threw my printing press into a river but go tell your fucking jokes bring me my dish she said that petunia petunia is my best friend in the world i give her a million kisses a day she does not like me and barks at me and bites me all day long we had to get a dog trainer into the apartment because petunia is a bad dog we tell her that every day we go hey youre bad at being a dog so the trainer came into the apartment sorry didnt even walk into the apartment walked into the threshold and went oh okay like she was an exorcist or something she said i see what the problem is she said petunia has become the alpha of the house and then she pointed at me she said you are no longer the alpha of the house and in the back of my head i was like i was never the alpha of the house i turned to my wife i was like lets pretend itll be fun yes my title of alpha which i once had how can i reclaim it because that was a thing that existed at one time she said you need to show dominance over your puppy these are things people say to me i said how do i do that she said well let me ask you this who eats dinner first you or petunia i was like petunia eats dinner first she eats dinner at  pm cause shes a foot long and two years old she said no you need to eat dinner first because the king eats before anyone else eats oh yes and what a mighty king i will be eating dinner at  in the afternoon look upon your sovereign petunia and tremble my lands stretch across this entire one bedroom and i eat dinner whenever i choose as long as it works for the schedule of a dog she said now you dont actually have to eat dinner before petunia you just have to convince petunia that youve already eaten so for the past month i shit you not before my wife and i give petunia her dish we take down empty bowls and spoons and in front of her we go mmm dinner mmm good dinner like were space aliens in a play about human beings that they wrote but they didnt work that hard on mmm were eating dinner meanwhile petunias just staring at us with her paul giamatti face like youre not eating dinner cocksucker dish now i have a wife and a dog and we just bought a house we have a new house it was built in the  but it was flipped in  which means its haunted but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash actually we didnt buy a house a bank bought a house and im allowed to keep my shirts and pants there while i pay it off for  years the woman from the bank came over and she showed me my mortgage broken down month by month for  years and she said so for instance this is what youll pay in july of  and i burst out laughing i was like  thats not a real year by  ill be drinking moon juice with president jonathan taylor thomas im not gonna be writing you a paper check i like having a house but i loved looking for a house cause i love real estate agents i mean they are the true heroes they really are have you ever watched hgtv real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives every episode of hgtv is like craig and stacia are looking for a twostory aframe thats near craigs job in the downtown but also satisfies stacias need to be near the beach which is nowhere near craigs job with three children and nine on the way and a max budget of  lets see what lori jo can do on this weeks episode of you dont deserve a beach house i loved our real estate agent it was so fun to hang out with her it was like hanging out with my mom cause you know real estate agents always look like your mom and they have various chicos accoutrements they always have kind of fun mom energy and theyre always so excited to see you two we would have little conferences before we walked into a house shed go lets talk lets talk before we go in were like two feet from the door so theres no toilets and i know that was on your list but i think i can get him to budge lets go so wed have a real estate agent and then like the house would have a real estate agent whos just some guy sitting in a big chair and these two always hated each other theyd be like hi tony hi kim its like jesus christ what were you two in the eagles together what is the animosity about our real estate agent wanted us to have a baby more than anyone else in our lives more than anyone in our family she hinted about it constantly every room she walked into shed be like so this could be an office or maybe a nursery yeah no like we said we dont know if were gonna have  no no i know i know you know you dont know if youre gonna have em but you know you know you never know sometimes you dont know whats gonna happen and then you know something happens well yeah thats how all of life works okay all right okay uhhuh mmm this is an onfire garbage can could be a nursery she showed me a backyard once she goes i dont even like this backyard for you i was like oh do tell she said its all pavement i think you should have some grass out there you know in case you have a couple little guys running around in the grass and i got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids i was like hey lady i went outside about as much as powder from the movie powder my children are not gonna be playing out on grass they will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles these are my children and thats my wife i didnt mean to make it sound like we dont want children we dont but i didnt mean to make it sound like that see i just dont think babies like me very much sometimes babies will point at me and i dont care for that shit at all like ill be on an elevator and a baby will be there in its big like stroller activity tray just like working on one cheerio with bobby fischerlike intensity and itll look up at me and go i like to lean in and go stop snitchin motherfucker and then walk off cause youre never too young to learn our national nosnitching policy my friends have babies and i dont do so well with them i had a runin with a twoyearold girl i know there are better ways to start that story but my friend jeremy has this twoyearold girl and i really like her shes a sweet kid i really like his daughter a lot but i was over at his familys house for the fourth of july and he had his daughter on his knee and it was a very lovely day his whole extended family was there and he was bouncing his twoyearold up and down and he pointed at me and he said to his twoyearold do you know who that is thats your uncle john and i was like oh my god thats so sweet im her uncle john and then the baby pointed at me and said uncle john has a penis i thank you for laughing because no one did that day fell deadly silent is what they all did hey do you know what youre supposed to say when a baby points at you and knowingly says he has a penis no im asking cause i dont know what to say in that situation heres what i went with that day i said oh come on i dont know i thought thatd be good but then it just made it worse cause it sounded like the baby and i had an arrangement not to talk about it and she had violated my trust like the baby had been like do you have a penis and i was like yes i do but youre a baby so discretion is key and then the next day she goes he has a penis and i go oh come on someone cant keep a secret luckily jeremys wife saved the day the babys mom saved the day she came in and she picked up the baby and she was like its okay shes just going through that phase where she says penis and vagina a lot arent we all and by the way it wouldve been a totally different situation if the baby had said vagina like if a grown woman had walked in the room and the baby had been like she has a vagina the woman could be like yes i do and its magnificent and we would all be like hooray you are brave no one wants to applaud the penis of a  weirdo its fun to be married ive never been supervised before im supervised she studies what i do like an anthropologist shell be like sometimes he will watch a movie on tv even though he already owns that movie on dvd pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him i had no supervision when i was a kid we were free to do what we wanted but also with that no one cared about kids i grew up before children were special i did very early  right before children became special like i remember when milk carton kids became a thing when they were like hey we should start looking for some of these guys i dont think theyre just blowing off steam no one cared about my opinion when i was a little kid no one cared what i thought sometimes people would say what do you think youre doing but that just meant stop they didnt actually wanna know my thought process they didnt want me to be like well i was gonna put this bottle rocket into this carton of eggs so that when i lit off the bottle rocket the eggs would explode everywhere oh well thats very interesting and what brought you to this experiment oh well thank you for asking well you know how im filled with rage im so horny and angry all the time and i have no outlet for it so eggs your opinion doesnt matter in elementary school either it matters in college college is just your opinion just you raising your hand and being like i think emily dickinsons a lesbian and theyre like partial credit and thats a whole thing but in elementary school it doesnt matter what you think it just matters what you know you have to have answers to questions and if you say i dont know you get an x on your test and you get it wrong and thats not fair cause your brain has never been smaller also thats not how life works im in my  now if you came to me now and you were like hey john name three things that the stamp act of  accomplished id go i dont know get out of my apartment you know but when youre a little kid you cant say i dont know you should be able to that should be an acceptable answer on a test you should be able to write in i dont know i know you told me but i have had a very long day i am very small and i have no money so you can imagine the kind of stress that i am under or if its one of those true or false questions you should be able to add a third option which is whos to say kids are much more supervised now but also they have a lot of rights like thats the biggest civil rights increase ive seen in my lifetime the rights of children have gone through the roof i had no rights when i was a little kid i remember one time i walked into a supermarket by myself and i walked in through the double doors and the woman behind the register just looked at me and she went no and i went all right and i turned around and left thats how broken i was and there werent special things for kids the way there are now like we would just go see movies any movie like back to the future that was a movie everyone could see kids could kinda see it great movie right i rewatched it recently its a very weird movie marty mcfly is a  high school student whose best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist and i shit you not they never explain how they became friends they never explain it not even in a lazy way like hey remember when we met in the science building they dont even do that and we were all fine with it we were just like what whos his best friend a disgraced nuclear physicist all right proceed what a strange movie to sell to be a family movie two guys had to go in and do that they had to be like okay we got an idea for the next big familyactioncomedy all right its about a guy named marty and hes very lazy hes always sleeping late okay is he cool like ferris bueller no but he does have this best friend whos you know a disgraced nuclear physicist im confused here this best friend this is another student no no no no this guys either like  or  even we dont know how old this guys supposed to be but one day the boy and the scientist they go back in time and they build a time machine whoa okay i think i see where youre going here they build a time machine and they go back in time and they stop the kennedy assassination ah oh wow thats a really good idea i mean we didnt even think of that all right well what do they do with the time machine well now im embarrassed to say ah well all right all right all right we thought we thought it would be funny you know if the boy if he went back in time and you know he tried to fuck his mom i dont know we thought thatd be fun for people but no good point no he doesnt get to he doesnt get to cause this family friend named biff he comes in and he tries to rape the mom in front of the son the dads gotta beat the rapist off of her and also were gonna imply that a white man wrote johnny b goode so were gonna take that away from em well this is the best movie idea i have ever heard in my life were gonna make three of them now you say they go to the past how about we call it back to the past no no no back to the future right but they go to the past yeah kids have it very good now my friends a teacher she told me that uh the parents will take the kids side over the teacher now thats insane that never happened my parents trusted every grownup more than they trusted me i dont mean coaches and teachers any human adults word was better than mine any hobo or drifter could have taken me by the ear up to my front door and been like excuse me your kid bit my dick and my mom would be like john edmund mulaney did you bite this nice mans dick and i would be the only one whos like hey doesnt anyone wanna know why his dick was near my biters in the first place isnt anyone curious as to how i had access dont get me wrong my parents love us they just didnt like us we werent friends people are now like my moms my best friend i was like oh is she a super bad mom my parents didnt trust us and they shouldnt have trusted us we were little goblins we were terrible i remember one time we were going to this resort for a vacation when we were little kids three weeks before we went to the resort my dad sat us down and he said all right were going to a resort and ive just been informed that the man who owns the resort only has one arm and we were like oh yes yay yes now im telling you three weeks in advance so that you will not freak out when you see that he only has one arm oh were gonna freak out so bad yes john you have a question how did he lose his arm thats exactly what you wont ask and then i did ask i went into the kitchen one day and i was like so howd you lose your arm and he was like well i was born with only one arm and i was like nah no my parents loved us its just like they were the cops you know and we were criminals so we didnt get along we only got along in that way that like cops will sometimes be chummy with criminals like when my dad and i would talk it was like that scene in the movie heat when robert de niro and al pacino sit down in that diner we kind of had that rapport of like hmm were not so different you and i you have your law practice and me i have all these fucking markers i guess we both have responsibilities when you look at it that way my dad would respect it if i could get away with breaking a rule we had a rule in our house you were not allowed to watch tv on a school night so every school night i would  be watching tv and i would hear my dad coming i would immediately turn the tv off and grab any book magazine periodical anything and id open it and pretend to be doing homework my dad would walk in the room and he would go what are you doing are you watching tv and id go no man im not watching tv and the tv wouldnt even be dark yet it would still have like a neon green halo around it itd be sizzling like a glass of pepsi and i would look my dad in the eyes and go no im just reading this yellow pages my dad loved us he just didnt care about our general happiness or selfesteem i remember one time we were really little kids i have two sisters and a brother and all four of us were in our family car ride for three hours going to wisconsin my dad was driving going down the highway in our white van with wood around the side cause you remember when you wanted your car to be made of wood you remember that era where we were like how much wood can we get on this car without it catching on fire but then the big announcement we here at plymouthchrysler can put a saucy stripe of wood safely on the outside of your car for all those times youve looked at your minivan and thought huh it needs a belt so were going on the highway weve been on the road for three hours and in the distance we see a mcdonalds we see the golden arches and we got so excited we started chanting mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds mcdonalds and my dad pulled into the drivethru and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving and you know as mad as that made me as a little kid in retrospect that is the funniest thing i have ever seen in my entire life how perfect is that he had a vanload of little kids and he got black coffee the one thing from mcdonalds no child could enjoy my dad is coldblooded he once shushed a kid during lion king on broadway that actually happened we were at lion king on broadway and there was a fiveyearold behind us going look its pumbaa look its timon and my dad turned around and said are you going to talk the entire time hes my hero the weirdest thing when i was a kid was how much they scared us about smoking weed they scared us about it constantly and ive been on tour this year marijuana is legal in  or  states in some form or another its insane yeah well all right dont whoo if youre white its always been legal for us come on sir we dont go to jail for marijuana you silly billy when i was arrested with a onehitter at a rusted root concert i did not serve hard time i think i got an award eighteen or  states and by the way i agree its a very good thing but its also a really weird thing because this is the first time ive ever seen a law change because the government is just like fine you know ive never seen it before like gay marriage and healthcare we have to battle it out in the supreme court and be like gay people are humans and theyre like well think about it but with weed it was just something we wanted really badly and we kept asking them for  years like excuse me and then suddenly the government became like cool parents and theyre just like okay here take a little wed rather you do it in the house than go somewhere else blah blah blah blah blah those stupid parents and thats a big deal because they scared us about weed constantly it would be on our sitcoms wed be watching saved by the bell wed be having a great old time and then suddenly a character we had not seen before would show up with some weed and the episode would stop cold in its tracks and theyd always hold the joint the bad guy would hold the joint in a villainous way theyd always offer the joint in a way that no one ever holds a joint like its a skull in a shakespeare play and now its legal and that is great news unless youre a weed dealer and then it is terrible news and i dont just mean because theyre about to lose out to amazoncom i more feel bad for weed dealers cause theyre about to find out that we only showed them a certain amount of politeness because they had an illegal product and we dont show that same politeness to people who deliver legal products like when the chinese food delivery guy comes we dont let him hang out after hes delivered the chinese food and we dont look the other way when he says weird shit to the girls were hanging out with to try to preserve the relationship and we definitely dont give him some of the chinese food hes never like hey can i get in on those dumplings and were like yeah were all friends what are you on your phone hey vneck hey – whats your name – sam sam cool what do you do to afford vnecks sam typing numbers ah numbers the letters of math im sorry to bother you i dont mean to single you out i hate when people get pulled out of the audience like are you familiar with the cirque du soleil sam theyre a group of french assholes that are slowly taking over america by humiliating audience members one by one we once went to see cirque du soleil at navy pier when i was a kid and my brother came and he was  years old you remember being  when youre like no one look at me or ill kill myself and these french bastards come into the crowd being like le volunteer and they pulled my brother up on stage and i was like no and they brought him up and they reached into his sweatshirt and they were like and they had planted a bra and they pulled out a bra and they were like and everyone at navy pier was like ah ha ha ha ha and my brother was like thats great i have had other jobs besides comedy i was an office temp for a while i really miss that i loved being a temp because i would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week and then you just get to retire like lou gehrig youre like thank you no one will ever see me again and theyre like goodbye i worked at an office once on  street in new york city i was there for a couple weeks i was in a cubicle next to this other cubicle this woman named mischa sat in the other cubicle i want to get the number right i think mischa had about  photos of her daughter up in her cubicle almost like she was trying to solve a conspiracy about her daughter a beautiful mindstyle i think about mischa two times a week because of a phone call she had next to me one day it was one of my first days and i was sitting next to her and her phone rang and this was her call and im quoting her phone rang and she said hello hush and then she hung up think about that two times a week and i didnt know her well enough by then to be like hey what kind of a person are you you know who could she have been talking to hello hush this was a place of business my only thought was that it was the ceo of the company being like mischa help im doing a crossword puzzle i need a fourletter word for be quiet right now – hush – youre promoted i temped at a little web company on  street in new york city it was a small web company owned by this old man who was old old old money new york his name was henry j finch iv like old old old money like his money was in molasses or something he owned this web company i have no idea why he owned this web company i think he won it in a rich mans game of dice and small binoculars or something mr finch wore linen suits he had suspenders he had a bow tie he had a hat he had a cane with an ivory handle im giving you more description than you need cause i need you to believe me this was a real person i knew in the  century mr finch was in his  he had an assistant named mary she was in her  she was korean i dont know why he had an assistant he did not need one unless he needed someone to be like remember mr finch at five oclock you need to keep looking like a hardboiled egg one day mr finch came into the office it had been raining everything im about to say to you was said in front of me on that afternoon mr finch walked into the office and he was wearing a raincoat he was wearing a rain hat and he had his cane and he walked in and he said and im quoting ah one feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet and when one feels like a duck one is happy and then mary yelled ooh ducklings to which mr finch replied too old to be a duckling quack quack and then walked into his office i think about that every goddamn day i mean imagine youre me youre a  temp and youre so hungover and you just wanna die every day and then that happens in front of you and i dont know gives you hope and i did that a little fast let me break that conversation down for you mr finch walked in and he began a conversation the way anyone would ah one feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet the rain and when one feels like a duck one is happy now thats debatable but rather than debate that point mary brought up a new separate but interesting point which was ducklings but mr finch ever the realist about his own age and mortality said ah too old to be a duckling as if to say my duckling days are behind me mary dont you see im a duck now and to prove it well ill say just about the most famous catchphrase a duck has quack quack and i knew right at that moment by the way that it meant nothing to mr finch what he had said crazy people are like that they have unlimited crazy currency like if i had gone into his office a couple weeks later and been like hey finch you remember that time you were like too old to be a duckling quack quack he would just be like ah perhaps i did quack but such is life for an old knickerbocker like me like hed say something else crazy thats the wonderful thing about crazy people you know is that they just have unlimited currency the things they say mean nothing to them but they mean everything to me i was once walking into penn station in new york i was walking down  street towards eighth avenue im walking down  theres this woman standing at eighth and  i have my little roller suitcase you can all imagine im walking towards her shes smoking a cigarette that is not lit anymore shes watching me walk kind of scanning me up and down as if she had terminator vision where she could see little bits of data like little honky ass and could read information as i walked past her she said this to me i walked past her and she said and im quoting eat ass suck a dick and sell drugs very dirty yes a very upsetting thing to hear yes im sorry you all had to hear that but at least you all got to hear it as a group i was alone out there that afternoon and she said this totally unprompted eat ass suck a dick and sell drugs it wasnt like i had paused in front of her and been like what should i do with my life so i walk away from her with this todo list and i like structure i like a todo list it did dawn on me that that list of things does get better as it goes along when you really think about it cause it starts in a pretty rough place it starts with just about the worst task a todo list can start with but by the end you have your own small business and isnt that the american dream when alls said and done that if you eat enough ass and suck enough dick one day you can sell drugs imagine you did all that to sell drugs and then they legalize drugs and you were like but i this has been a real thrill to perform here by the way i just wanna say that in all sincerity thanks for coming to this really really appreciate it i wanna tell you one more story before i get out of here about the night i met a guy named bill clinton now i dont some of you know who that is for those of you that dont he was president of the united states from  until  and he is a smooth and fantastic hillbilly who should be declared emperor of the united states of america now i know you know who bill clinton is but i was doing a show at a college and i mentioned bill clinton and like they kind of didnt know who he was like sorry they knew the name right but they only knew this  bill clinton whos a very different bill clinton have you seen his ass lately what the hell is he trying to pull hes all thin now and he wears these little tight suits and hes got these grandpa reading glasses like hey i cant do nothing to nobody no more oh me im just an old old man i dont have the appetites you know and hes always flying around the world with bill gates trying to cure aidsthat is not the bill clinton that we all signed up for  years ago our bill clinton was like a big fat buddy garrity from friday night lightslooking guy who played the saxophone on arsenio and his work in the std community was not in curing anything at that time that was the man we all elected president that was the bill clinton that i met i got to meet bill clinton when he was governor clinton in  when he was first running for presidentand i got to meet bill clinton because my parents had gone to the same college as bill clinton theyre a little younger but they went to the same college so when he was first running for president he would have all these big like alumni fundraisers and everyone who went was invited to go now this was really cool for a couple reasons one i got to meet bill clinton but two i got to watch my parents watch someone they went to school with become the president and that is super funny to see cause think about some of the people you went to school with now imagine theyre becoming the president imagine sam was becoming the president it would stir up strong emotions and my parents had very different opinions on bill clinton my mom loved bill clinton cause bill clinton was always a really charismatic handsome guy i mean think about how many women he got in the  when he looked like frank caliendo doing john madden now imagine him as a college student and my mom tells me that there was this sort of chivalrous policy on campus back then where late at night if female students were leaving the library unaccompanied male students were encouraged to wait out in front and offer to walk them home that sounds good right so my mom tells me that bill clinton would be out in front of the library every single night just being like hey can i walk ya home hey can i walk ya home hey can i walk ya home hey can i walk ya home and one night my mom was leaving the library and bill clinton was like hey can i walk ya home and my mom was like hell yes so this is absolutely true my mom little ellen stanton walked arminarm with bill clinton to her dorm and she was like you know i wanted to invite him up for a beer and i was like thanks im nine but her roommate was upstairs so she lost her chance with bill clinton now my dad on the other hand hated bill clinton because my parents were dating during this time and also my dads a much more morallyupright conservative kind of guy he always told me that he hated it in college that bill clinton could quote get away with anything can you imagine how he felt laterso one day this invitation arrives for a fundraiser where you could meet bill clinton my mom opens it first and she goes oh we have to go we have to go see bill and without looking up at her my dad just says why its not like hes gonna remember you one black coffee same motherfucker so my mom says fine ill go and ill take john and i was like hell yeah and i slid in the room in my first communion suit ready to go cause i loved bill clinton i was ten years old if you were a kid when bill clinton was first released it was the most exciting thing ever wed never seen a cool politician before and he would go on mtv and hed have cool answers to kids questions theyd be like governor whats your favorite food and hed be like i dont know fries and wed be like yay we eat fries i learned to play his campaign song on the piano it was dont stop by fleetwood mac from rumours an album written by and for people cheating on each other he let us know who he was right away so i went with my mom as her date to reconnect with governor bill clinton we walked into the ballroom it was a big hotel ballroom it was the palmer house hilton big hilton hotel ballroom walked into the ballroom it was packed with people its actually the ballroom from the end of the movie the fugitive remember so that ballroom so my mom and i walk in its packed with people the sorry the end where harrison ford as dr richard kimble bursts in to confront dr charles nichols right okay so that ballroom so my mom and i walk in its packed with people why does kimble confront nichols well i know we all know this but no no but but but kimble he found out that nichols along with devlin macgregor and lentz who has mysteriously died they had hired frederick sykes the onearmed man to kill kimble kimbles wife wasnt even the target i know we all know this but they were gonna kill kimble because he wasnt gonna approve certain liver samples to pass  so kimble finds out about all of this and of course hes furious and he bursts into the ballroom and he goes you switched the samples and dr nichols is like ladies and gentlemen my friend dr richard kimble what accent did that guy have by the way he goes you switched the samples and you doctored your research so that you could have provasic anyway so its that ballroom so we walk into that ballroom it was packed with people it was packed with people a real whos not of chicago celebrities walter jacobson was there walter jacobson was the local fox anchor hed do fun things where hed go undercover as a homeless person and hed be like oh what time is the soup and theyd be like man youre walter jacobson he was there everybody and on the far side of the ballroom under a spotlight we saw a little bit of silver hair and it was him bill clinton the comeback kid but he was surrounded by reporters and photographers and secret service so what are you gonna do well if youre my mom you ball up the back of my sport coat and you push me forward like a human shield and then you start jogging while yelling this tenyearold boy has to meet the next president of the united states kind of implying that i might be dying my feet were not on the ground she was swinging me like a snowplow i was just mowing down fat chicago democrats i pushed past all the reporters i pushed past all the photographers we pushed past all the secret service we land at bill clintons feet bill clinton turns looks at my mom and says hey ellen cause he never forgets a bitch ever my mom melts she goes hi bill then it is revealed that she has no plan so she pushes me towards clinton and she goes this is my son john and hes also going to be president and i was like what the hell are you talking about im not gonna be president and i know now that im definitely never gonna be president not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly based on my tenyearold memory bill clinton is about  feet tall and he leaned down because well i was wearing this button that i bought outside the fundraiser it was a cartoon button of george h w bush and it had a quail flying over his head and it was shitting on his head and it said birdbrained and i thought it was very funny and bill clinton leaned down so that only i could hear and he said hey man i like your button and i said you can do whatever you want forever and he took my advice and it was the best night of my entire life and i got home that night i got home that night and my dad was still awake like reading angry under one lamp just like and i went up to him and i went hey im gonna be a democrat and im gonna vote for bill clinton and without looking up at me my dad just said you have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair you know how you talk to a child so heres the end of that story that was lets flash forward five years to  it is now  i am a sophomore in high school bill clinton is in his second term as president and on the morning that the monica lewinsky scandal breaks on the cover of the new york times it had been on the drudge report and then it was on the cover of the new york times that morning i wake up to the newspaper hitting me in the face i am a teenager asleep in bed and the newspaper hits me in the face and falls open on my stomach and i open my eyes to see my dad standing there dressed for work and he says the other shoe just dropped and then my dad went in to work to find out that his law firm had been hired to defend bill clinton good night chicago�X(�introfade the music out lets roll hold there lights do the lights thank you thank you very much i appreciate that i dont necessarily agree with you but i appreciate very much well this is a nice place this is easily the nicest place for many miles in every direction thats how you compliment a building and shit on a town with one sentence it is odd around here as i was driving here there doesnt seem to be any difference between the sidewalk and the street for pedestrians here people just kind of walk in the middle of the road i love traveling and seeing all the different parts of the country i live in new york i live in a– theres no value to your doing that at all the old lady and the dogi live– i live in new york i always– like theres this old lady in my neighborhood and shes always walking her dog shes always just– shes very old she just stands there just being old and the dog just fights gravity every day just– the two of them its really– the dogs got a cloudy eye and shes got a cloudy eye and they just stand there looking at the street in two dimensions together and– and shes always wearing like this old sweater dress i guess it was a sweater when she was like  but now its just like this sweater and her legs are– her legs are a nightmare theyre just white with green streaks and bones sticking out her legs are awful i saw a guy with no legs wheeling by and he was like yecch no thank you i do not want those id rather just have air down here like i have than to look down at that shit i see these two all the time and i always look at them and i always think god i hope she dies first i do i hope she dies first for her sake because i dont want her to lose the dog i dont think shell be able to handle it if she dies– if the old lady dies first im not worried about the dog because the dog doesnt even know about the old lady this dog is aware of three inches around his head hes living in twosecond increments the second hes in and the one he just left is all he knows about but if he dies this lady shes gonna be destroyed because this dog is all she has and i know hes all she has because she has him theres no– if she had one person in her life she would not keep this piece of shit little dog even if just some young woman in her building one morning were to say good morning gladys shed be like good and just flush him down the toilet just– poom poom the dog just keeps bumping on the drain poom  she gives up ends up just shitting on her dog for the rest of her life ppp poom my daughter likes fishyou ever flush a pet down the toilet i had to flush my daughters fish down the toilet i came home the fish was dead she wasnt home from school yet so i just flushed the fish and thats a weird moment too cause fish live in water so you put it in the toilet floats to the bottom like yeah hes dead and then you flush and it looks like he goes wait a second aw shit i was taking a nap jesus you gotta be in constant motion to get any respect in this house and then my daughter comes home why did he die da– come on what am i gonna say why did he die because who gives a shit thats the reason thats the actual reason is because didnt matter that he was alive thats why hes dead he didnt know his name and he didnt love you back these are the facts about that fishs life my daughter likes fish we took her to the aquarium i took both my kids to the aquarium in boston and we were looking at this seal or sea lion i dont know which one i dont care i dont think they need to be separate things i really dont they dont care and we dont care theres like three scientists who give a shit what we call all those things the scientists could go on tv tomorrow and say ok everybody from now on seals and sea lions and walruses and–you know what–penguins are all seals now and we would all be like yeah all right fine yes whatever man anyway so were looking at this sealsea lion thing and hes looking back at us through the plexiglas and hes going– theyre really disgusting in person most animals are when you really see them you ever go to a farm you think youre gonna see little white sheep going baa but theyre all fat and shitcolored and theyre like– jesus that thing is awful anyway seals dont go– they go– my daughters like what is he saying i dont know im a slave kill me the food chainmust be awful to be other kinds of stuff you know im glad im this this is a pretty good deal when you consider the alternatives anything else any other kind of thing youre in the food chain youre in the food– we are out of the food chain i dont know if we fully appreciate the fact that we got out of the food chain that is a massive upgrade because for every other living thing life ends by being eaten thats how all life ends is– every single life except human life every life ends like this aah aah aah were the only ones that get to just die old in a bed just i love you bye i mean imagine if we were still in the food chain on top of everything else imagine if we were in the food chain it would just be another thing you gotta deal with youre already having a bad day you wake in up in the morning youre making breakfast you burn your toast and its too late to try again and your kid comes in and says beh and youre like fine and its just why you get a thing in the mail that says that your phones different and your mortgage is another company now what i dont get it then youre walking to work like why do i even bother shit goddamn it theres always fucking cheetahs at the train station stop it you think that sharks– do you think that sharks would be embarrassed if they knew that we could all see their fins sticking out the top of the water i think theyd be bummed cause i dont think sharks are aware of that at all i think sharks think theyre slick they swim around like hey nobody has any idea whats down here and were all up here like theres totally a shark right there it wouldnt be fun being a predator either if youre a predator imagine if every time youre hungry you gotta chase a guy whos running for his life you gotta– come on dude shit get over here and just hold him down and bite his neck till he shuts the fuck up for a minute so you can just sit there and eat his stomach before you go to work that would really suck thats why animals just– they go lets do this together man you chase the parents away i am gonna eat the kid and you circle back thats why they do it like that fuck it im eating babies this is bullshit grownups aint worth the meat whoops all right all right shit goddamn it idiot this isnt a gay voice by the way its not shut up yeah courtyard confrontationi live in new york city and its ok there i live in a nice building i never lived in a nice place before when i was growing up i had no money i mean my mom didnt didnt matter i was a child but im not used to it cause its nice theres like a pretty courtyard with flowers and a fountain with little marble boys pissing i dont know what is it with fountains like all fountain sculptors are pedophiles basically you cant get a fountain made without– can you make me a fountain yes ill get started right away yes yes its finished and its just little boys pissing on the face of a greek god that looks like him a lot just piss on me forever anyway theres one of those in the courtyard of my building and my first week in the building about a year ago i went down to the courtyard for the first time and i didnt look too good you know it was a sunday morning thats my least presentable hour theres a lot of you know just stains just like you know food and me and whatever and so im sitting there so shut up ha ha ha anyway but so there i was im sitting on the stone bench of this courtyard and feeling a little out of place you know theres these fancy doormen and stuff and then theres this guy looking at me i notice hes looking at me from across the courtyard and hes all spiffylooking hes got brown shoes and hes looking at me like  i can tell he was thinking i dont live in the building he thinks i just wandered in off the streets and sat in the courtyard i can tell hes thinking of coming over and dealing with me on his own and im sitting there thinking like please do that yes please come on come on come on come on come on and im trying to look even more gross and im like pulling up my shirt  and then i see him go no thats not gonna do at all and he comes over to me  and im like num num num im so excited to have this thing a confrontation where im not wrong at all and he thinks i am rrgh so he comes over says excuse me do you live in this building and i said no cause why not start there i said no he goes well then what are you doing here and i said i just need to rest im having a hard time he says this is private property and i said well i dont really believe in that you know just the worst things i could say from his point of view is basically all the things i was saying and he goes well if you dont leave im gonna talk to the doorman i was like can i just stay like five more hours so hes–no and he goes over to the doorman and i see him talking about me to the doorman like this and then i see the doorman going no that guy lives here its ok and the look on his face– mwah mwah num num– it was just so– it was this beautiful cocktail of anger and confusion its like i had invented a new way to hurt somebodys feelings thats how excited i was getting what old isim  now so im either halfway through a healthy life or almost done with a notsohealthy life i dont know which one i wont know till its over where this was i dont know how long im gonna live i dont know nobody knows i guess i think human life expectancy is pretty good we get a good run you know some people die early you know if i die now people will be like thats too bad if i die five years from now theyll be like well all right like its not even– its– like as soon as youre  youre a candidate you know theres no candlelight vigils for  guys that die and you start pushing– you know some people get to be like   you know there are people that get to like  and then theyre in the news and its always some old guy i met napoleon no you didnt you liar you oldest liar in the world but  you know youre not old yet but you start having moments where you kind of start getting what old is especially if you didnt take care of yourself you know i have moments where im like wow this seems early for this like this is something that happens to me a lot ill be sitting watching tv or doing nothing and all of a sudden ill realize i need to wipe my ass right now i mean nothing happened but i really gotta wipe my ass right now right now gotta make trips to the bathroom just to wipe my ass how does this happen already im  already my assholes just like just–  my asshole– my assholes like the waistband on old pajama bottoms just kinda loose and ineffectual my assholes like a bag of leaves that nobody tied up its just sitting on the lawn full and open puking leaves onto the grass with every wisp of wind some kid kicks it over on his way home from a tough day at middle school rats thats a pretty accurate description of my asshole heres another thing about my age right now if im– ok say im sitting down if im sitting anywhere which–ha ha ha– i love sitting so much– i would take sitting and doing nothing to standing and fucking any day this is way better than coming this is way better this is what– at my age if im sitting down and somebody tells me i need to get up and go to another room i need to be told all the information why first you gotta explain all that shit to me what why do i– no why though your car is being towed right now well thats what happens to me then thats– i accept that cause getting up is a whole thing it means first i have to decide do i really want to be alive anymore like lets start with that and then i gotta  start kind of rocking to get momentum  like im trying to get an old honda out of a snow bank shit putting on socksthe worst part of my day worst part of every day of my life is when i have to put on my socks putting on my socks is the worst part of every day and it always will be even if i have a terrible day in the future where my grandmother is murdered by my other grandmother if that ever happened to me the worst part of that day will be when i put on my socks because– putting on my socks that means i have to– heres what i have to do i have to get my hands past my pointed toe i dont even know how i do it im sitting here i dont know how i do that its cause you have to– its like folding a bowling ball in half soon as i start i can feel– im pushing all the fat up into my vital organs and i just feel all the systems failing beep beep beep and i have to like lay on my back like an eightyearold and go like this and i start passing out and i know other peoples lives are hard ha ha ha i know i saw an interview on tv with michael j fox and he has parkinsons and he was describing brushing his teeth and he said it takes him two hours a day and he said its agony and i saw this and i thought ok thats hard that is hard and so is putting on my socks sorry michael doesnt make it easier to know about your thing tell you what ill help you brush your teeth you help me with the socks if youre older youre smarteri dont know i like getting older though life is an education and if youre older youre smarter i just believe that if youre in an argument with somebody and theyre older than you you should listen to them it doesnt mean theyre right it means that even if theyre wrong their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have theyve been there longer if youre older youre smarter how many people here by applause are  or older  or older applaud ok thats about  people out of  heres the interesting thing theres way more i can see you theres so many more this is arizona there are way more people in that demographic but they didnt clap why cause theyre smart theyre sitting in the dark going i dont have to clap i dont have to do anything theyre not doing it and theyre right you know why cause never identify yourself never are you crazy you dont know why im asking how do you know what– ok burn them all burn everybody over  how do you know im not gonna do that how many people here by applause are  or younger  or younger applaud thats every time whoo whoo every time that is a weird thing to celebrate in a room where youre not the only people here thats like going to a cancer ward– not me whoo i dont have it i dont have it if youre older youre smarter a  garbage man is a million times smarter than a  with three phds especially smarter than him cause this idiot has been thinking about three things for like  years hes worthless the garbage man is  hes had some experience things have happened to him he went to cape cod one summer he saw a dead guy floating in the motel pool he took a bus to montreal he got a hand job at a fair from a miner i mean a miner not a minor a miner you understand a miner a grown man who works in a mine with dirty hands jacked him off at a county fair thats what im saying happened to the  you see hes had some experience he knows more more has happened to him hes seen more hes seen history hes witnessed history even if its not ancient history he saw nixon resign on live television me and those few people that clapped we saw the president of america cry and then quit being the president that shit was crazy cause none of us knew what was gonna happen next today people are like the presidents kind of disappointing really our president wept like an insane person and then got on a helicopter and flew away and the whole nation just watched him go getting older makes my life betteri like getting older though because for me the kind of guy i am getting older makes my life better you know like my sex life way better at  look cause this situation is ok at  this is not a fun kind of a  to be and some people their life is better when theyre younger you know young dudes young skinny dudes best life in the world is being a young skinny dude they dont have to do anything they just show up with a big adams apple and a smelly tshirt hey im here for the easy pussy for the rest of my life so where do i– everywhere ok cool but for guys like me this is not a fun youth it gets better id like to make one of those it gets better ads for just dumpy young guys we could use a little help a little encouragement just somebody on tv listen man i know its tough right now youre vaguely heavy with no face you have zero value on the sexual marketplace you feel invisible to the girls in school because you are but it gets better because youll all grow up and you pretty much look just like this your whole life and they dont their options start running out really fast and youre gonna be there as long as you stay relatively employed and washed youre gonna be amazing in your  youre gonna be– youre gonna be the branch that she can grab before she hits the ground its gonna be so great it just takes time for her circumstances to match your looks but its gonna happen its gonna happen when real shit matters youre gonna be the sexiest motherfucker in the world its just time thats all it takes theres a formula to this its pussy plus time over income squared everybody has their timeeverybody has their time everybody has their time i mean not everybody there are people out there who theres just nobody for them yep people like to say things like theres someone for everyone nope not at all true and stop saying it cause its mean to people who never find anybody there are millions of people out there who weve all unanimously decided they are light speed ugly and nobody kisses them on the lips even nobody touches their genitals their entire life they just wash it and then they die thats all that happens aww and if youre feeling bad for them you can go find one and fuck one tomorrow you can just solve the problem right there with all that kindness in your heart aww well go fuck one nah i didnt think so thats the one way were all mean nobody does that nobody fucks down nobody people fuck up or across some women fuck down because a guy talked them into that it was up some guy yeah no you should im totally up yeah dating takes courageits a weird selection process that we have dating really is– its how we evolve is dating its how we choose each other and dating is a real drag for a lot of people but i always think its a nice thing you know when i see a date im always happy when i see a couple on a date cause it means people are still trying you know you see a couple on a date it means theres still courage out there that takes courage to go on a date for both sides two very different kinds of courage the male courage traditionally speaking is that he decided to ask he went up to a random woman who he has no idea if shes gonna like him or not and he walked up to her terrified everything in your body is telling you just go the fuck home and jerk off dont do this but he walked up and said hi yes and shes like  no no no a second give me a second and you try to get through this membrane of you know– and then if it works and you say you wanna go out sometime sometimes shell say yes and if she says yes thats her courage and the courage it takes for a woman to say yes is beyond anything i can imagine a woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and illadvised and the whole species existence counts on them doing it and i dont know how they– how do women still go out with guys when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men were the numberone threat to women globally and historically were the numberone cause of injury and mayhem to women were the worst thing that ever happens to them thats true you know what our numberone threat is heart disease thats the whole thing thats it just our own heart going dude i cant– you cant keep doing this i told you three strokes ago that this is not smart but women still– yeah ill go out with you alone at night what are you nuts ill get in your car with you with my little shoulders hi where are we going to your death statistically how do they still do it if youre a guy try to imagine that you could only date a halfbear halflion and youre like i hope this ones nice i hope he doesnt do what hes going to do first datei always– i love when i see a date you know when you see a date you can tell its the first date cause of the way theyre walking together and shes looking up at his face trying to figure him out and hes just a mess a guy on a first date just has no actual personality hes just a mishmash of different kinds of dudes for a couple of seconds each just anything no cohesive– just like a ransom note cut out of a lot of magazines just you know well ha ha well yes i think so too ha ha rrgh whatever just like a blind dick in space just thrusting in infinite directions hoping to find pay dirt at someplace and then sometimes you see a date thats later down the line and something has happened theres something that happens in a date that i never get to witness cause women do this they get to do it inside they get to just decide quietly im gonna let him fuck me they just get to decide something he says and shes like that was good hes gonna fuck me later and he has no idea hes still like trying all this shit he still has no idea hes already in there titsguys are– we love women a lot– all men do– and we just look at you thats what i do i just look at women i just– like theyre you know cakes in windows i just– i was walking in new york once and theres these two very cute women walking behind me and i was trying to walk slowly so i could hear what they were saying to each other you know cause they were cute so i wanted to hear them like thats gonna help me in any way to hear their– dont you wish the guy walking in front of us would squeeze our tits for like one second ok here here i go thank you its really a flaw in men that we would all do that if youre a woman you could ask any guy on planet earth could you squeeze my tit for one second and  of us will go yes of course that doesnt matter i could be doing open heart surgery yeah ok beep dont worry hes not your tits dont worry about it i dont know why we love tits so much some people say its because we breastfeed but so do women or you know baby women not grownup women dont usually– you dont see like a  woman like a stately look– you know like sigourney weaver like sucking milk out of a young womans tit thank you deborah ill see you tomorrow at  its not usually the thing is the elderly breastfeeding from the young except for at the end of the grapes of wrath which i dont mean to ruin that book for you but you should have read it by now i dont know if you read the grapes of wrath but thats how it ends with an old dying man sucking milk out of a young girls tits and then the book is over and youre like jesus what happened at the end there thats crazy theres no other book in that genre theres no dense historic classic that ends with a weird porny paragraph at the very– and then anna karenina shat on his chest holy moly with that the end my god that is a violent shift in tone at the end of that book ive been reading this book for three months but we do we love tits and you always know a tit you always know a tit you know like you ever been in a crowded place– like a subway or like you know a sports stadium– and youre smooshed in with other people and your elbow touches a tit behind you youre like thats a tit i just touched it i know that was a tit i know it because the sensitivity of the male elbow to tit flesh specifically is unbelievable just to tits cause you could drive a tack in there im not gonna feel it but a tit– through a shirt and a sweater and a jacket and her jacket sweater shirt and bra somehow its a tit i touched a tit i touched a tit i touched one tit one tit thats rare to touch one tit its like a fourleaf clover usually you touch two the only time you touch one tit is when it was an accident or you didnt have permission but otherwise when tit access is granted its usually good for two tits at a time its once youre on one– you really have to screw up really badly and quickly to lose tit access between tits one and two you must have said something really dumb on the first tit that you didnt get the second one yeah its like your moms dirty whore tit why what i said i liked it thats what i meant is that i like it i like your moms dirty whore tit and i like yours and if its up to the guy were gonna touch both tits no guy touches a tit and then goes you know what im good with the one thats fine for me everything in moderation were gonna touch both even if something terrible happens in the middle of– yeah– theres a bomb shit come on lets get– come on lets get your tits out of here divorceive seen a few tits ive seen–i dont know–  maybe i dont know i had my history in my life you know ive been divorced for five years and its been the best part of my life being divorced easily my favorite part of my life i love being divorced every year has been better than the last that is the only time i can say that about and by the way im not saying dont get married if you meet somebody fall in love and get married and then get divorced because thats the best part its the best part marriage is just like a larva stage for true happiness which is divorce because you just let go and everythings fine now divorce is forever it really actually is marriage is for how long you can hack it but divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak nobody ever says  my divorce is falling apart its over i cant take it and again if youre in a good marriage stay in it if youre in the best marriage ever stay in it im just saying if you got out it would be better thats just a fact im sorry im sorry but its true everythings better my exwife and i this is the best part of our knowing each other were good coparents because we live apart and were friends our kids go to her half the week they come to me half the week and im a good father im an attentive focused and responsible father do you know why cause i get to say goodbye to these kids every week are you shitting me its like every parents fantasy who cant be a good father for half of every week no matter how bad it gets every wednesday i get to go goodbye girls daddys gonna go upstairs and pour whiskey all over his naked body right now im gonna lay in my own filth until two seconds before you come back here thats why im such a good dad videoing your kidsmy daughter was having a dance thing at her school they had this big dance anyway we all went all the parents and everybodys there and everybodys got their phone every single parent it was an amazing thing to watch cause kids are dancing and every parent is standing there like this every single person was blocking their vision of their actual child with their phone and the kids– i went over by the stage and the kids– theres people holding ipads in front of their faces it looked like were all in the witness protection program like the kids cant see their parents and everybodys watching a shitty movie of something thats happening ten feet– like look at your fucking kid the resolution on the kid is unbelievable if you just look its totally hd why are you taping this youre never gonna watch it in a million years youre not gonna watch videos of your kids doing shit you missed the first time it happened you dont watch it you just put it on facebook here you watch it i wanna take a nap now and then you get to read all the comments my god its so cute ngaah and guess what theyre not watching it either theyre not watching the video these kids are dancing for no one nobody watches the videos on your facebook they see the first frame of a kid and they go thats very nice ok back to this nobodys watching your kids videos on facebook i promise you ill prove it to you next time you tape your kids dance tape one second of it and then add  minutes of just your own asshole just go in the bathroom and just record your own anus opening and closing for  minutes tack it onto your kid dancing for a second put that on facebook everybody will write the same thing thats adorable i think i see a future star life is a good dealdont tape shit on your– life is short life is very short i like life i like it i feel like even if it ends up being short i got lucky to have it cause life is an amazing gift when you think about what you get with a basic life not even a particularly lucky life or a healthy life if you have a life thats an ama– heres your boilerplate deal with life this is basic cable what you get when you get life you get to be on earth first of all–my god– what a location this is earth and for trillions of miles in every direction it fucking sucks so bad its so shitty that your eyes bolt out of your head cause it sucks so bad you get to be on earth and look at shit as long as youre not blind or whatever it is you get to be here you get to eat food you get to put bacon in your mouth i mean when you have bacon in your mouth it doesnt matter whos president or anything you just– every time im eating bacon i think i could die right now and i mean it thats how good life is you get to– you get to fuck thats free if youre smart that comes with thats part of the deal where else are you gonna get that deal you get to put your dick in there and go in and out pretty good and if youre a woman you get to just lay back and just have a dick just shoving in and out of you awkwardly anytime you want anytime you want if youre a gay man you get to just fill your boyfriends ass with your dick just fill it all the way to the balls and its nice and warm and tight in there and hes your buddy if youre a lesbian you get to do all the stuff theyre doing and its a great deal you get to eat you get to fuck you get to read to kill a mockingbird its a great life so you know im not worried about it ending behind the wheelits pretty good and ive wasted a lot of time just being angry at people i dont know you know its amazing how nasty we can get as people depending on the situation like most people are ok as long as theyre ok but if you put people in certain contexts they just change like when im in my car i have a different set of values i am the worst person i can be when im behind the wheel which is when im at my most dangerous when youre driving thats when you need to be the most compassionate and responsible of any other time in your life cause you are fucking driving a weapon amongst weapons and yet its the worst people get and i am the worst one time i was driving and there was a guy ahead of me and he kind of–i dont know– sorta drifted into my lane for a second and this came out of my mouth i said worthless piece of shit i mean what an indictment what kind of a way is that to feel about another human being worthless piece of shit thats somebodys son and things ive said to other people i was once driving and some guy in a pickup truck did– i dont remember even– and i yelled out my window i said hey fuck you where outside of a car is that even nearly ok if you were in an elevator and you were like right next to a persons body and whatever like he leaned into you a little bit would you ever turn right to their face and go hey fuck you worthless piece of shit no literally zero people would ever do that but put a couple of pieces of glass and some road between you theres nothing you would not say to them i hope you die i said that to a person i hope you die why cause you made me go like this for half a second of my life you tested my reflexes and it worked out fine so now i hope your kids grow up motherless i mean what am i capable of id like to think that im a nice person but i dont know man if murder was legala lot of it is context theres a lot of things i wonder if the world was different like if murder was legal i might have killed a few people i dont know id love to think i would never do that but we really need the law against murder for one simple reason the law against murder is the numberone thing preventing murder wed like to think its cause like i would never do that no its cause it really sucks getting caught murdering a lot if murder was legal or just a misdemeanor– like you get a thing in the mail– shit they had a camera there well if murder was legal there would be so much murder regular people would murder murderers would murder even more and then really nice sweet people would murder a few people but nobody would murder no people you wouldnt trust somebody who didnt murder if murder was legal you wouldnt like them i never killed anybody ok nice meeting you yecch what a creep i mean not even a hooker live a life whats wrong with that guy hes like a mormon or some shit i hate those guys i think hes nice shut up janet they would just– if murder was legal there would be a lot of murder children would behave very differently because mostly parents would be murdering their own kids thats mostly what would happen if murder was legal you know youd go to a mall thered be like eight different moms in the mall just– i told you to stop it you didnt listen to me just–pbbt thered be just– youd be stepping over dead kids thered be like a new problem you have to clean up your kids when you kill them cause its gross its bad for the environment if you murder your child in a public place please use one of the red bags that are in the dispensers every three feet of america put your murdered child in the red bag with a logo of a murdered kid on it next to the other logo that tells you not to let your alive kid play with the plastic bag because they might suffocate in which case you could just leave them in the bag that is a whole bunch of horrible thoughts right in a row right in a row that is a compressed area of bad thought of course but maybeyou know you have your bad thoughts hopefully you do good things everybody has a competition in their brain of good thoughts and bad thoughts hopefully the good thoughts win for me i always have both i have like the thing i believe the good thing– thats the thing i believe– and then theres this thing and i dont believe it but it is there its always this thing and then this thing its become a category in my brain that i call of course but maybe ill give you an example ok like of course children who have nut allergies need to be protected of course we have to segregate their food from nuts have their medication available at all times and anybody who manufactures or serves food needs to be aware of deadly nut allergies of course but maybe maybe if touching a nut kills you youre supposed to die of course not of course not of course not jesus i have a nephew who has that id be devastated if something happened to him but maybe maybe if we all just do this for one year were done with nut allergies forever no of course not of course if youre fighting for your country and you get shot or hurt its a terrible tragedy of course of course but maybe maybe if you pick up a gun and go to another country and you get shot its not that weird maybe if you get shot by the dude you were just shooting at its a tiny bit your fault of course of course slavery is the worst thing that ever happened listen listen you all clapped for dead kids with the nuts for kids dying from nuts you applauded so youre in this with me now do you understand you dont get to cherrypick those kids did nothing to you of course of course slavery is the worst thing that ever happened of course it is every time its happened– black people in america jews in egypt every time a whole race of people has been enslaved its a terrible horrible thing of course but maybe maybe every incredible human achievement in history was done with slaves every single thing where you go how did they build those pyramids they just threw human death and suffering at them until they were finished how did we traverse the nation with the railroad so quickly we just threw chinese people in caves and blew em up and didnt give a shit what happened to them theres no end to what you can do when you dont give a fuck about particular people you can do anything thats where human greatness comes from is that were shitty people that we fuck others over even today how do we have this amazing microtechnology because the factory where theyre making these they jump off the fucking roof cause its a nightmare in there you really have a choice you can have candles and horses and be a little kinder to each other or let someone suffer immeasurably far away just so you can leave a mean comment on youtube while youre taking a shit thanks a lot folks you guys were great thank you very very much thank you��E�
X��wow hey thank you thanks thank you guys hey seattle nice to see you look at this look at us were here this is crazy its insane so about five years ago pretty much everyone who i know started to get married and that was strange for me because i dont really believe in the idea of marriage and that would have been fine except i have a problem where sometimes when i think that i am right about something it can be a real source of tension between me and the person im arguing with and the reason its a source of tension is that im right and so i remember distinctly talking to my friend dana and she goes well you dont believe in marriage for you but of course you believe in it for other people and i was like no i think its insane you know for anyone and she said whyand i said well first of all it just seems doomed you know  of marriages end in divorce thats just first marriages by the way second marriages  to  end in divorce third marriages  to  end in divorce thats a learning curvesecond of all monogamys impossible or at the very least not a sure thing when i say that i think people assume that im implying that men are incapable of being faithful i think women are just as incapable but for more sophisticated reasons you know i mean with men were just really simple we have a very simple sexuality when i say that my female friends are like well we like sex just as much as you do and i said sure but its different and they say how and i say have you ever masturbated while driving a carnumber three im never gonna be happy why would anyone want to be a part of that i think thats not brought up often enough i um i didnt know that would be the reaction oh no thats the hopeful part the uh i had one ally in all this which is my friend andy and hes a comedian as well not only did we decide we werent gonna get married we actually tried to stop other people we knew from getting married yeah we were pretty good at it like we stopped or put on hold three or four marriages you know we were we were pretty good i mean we werent like the best in the world im sure there are better in europe but we were we were solid you know like so like for example at point my friend alex was about to get engaged and so we just took him to dinner and during dessert we gave him a long hard stare we said are you sure this is what you want to do and then we went cold to give him the sense of what it would feel like when we werent friends anymore so february   im at andys house in los angeles and earlier in the night i got in an argument with my girlfriend on the phone and it was a bad one because i knew that i was right and andy was a perfect person to be with in this kind of a situation cause hes the kind of friend who just takes your side regardless of whether youre right he says stuff like she sounds crazy like even if what shes saying isnt that crazy like youd be like she only eats whole wheat bagels hed be like she sounds crazy youd be like thats not even the crazy part you know so im telling him about his argument and he goes youre right i go i know im right he goes yeah youre right i go i know im right i got to tell her about this in the morning and i get in my rental car to head back to my hotel and im driving out of andys small road and im tboned i dont know if youre familiar with this term uh this is the culinary way of describing when you are hit by another car drivers side at a  angle like a tbone steak and in   seconds im spun around and i think im dead no wait im paralyzed and then i hear nothing and then i hear the other car skid out and drive away i know let me tell you how this argument started i met jenny in st louis my friend andy and i were working for her company they were performing for a bunch of wrestling coaches which is really my demographic i uh no i was very nervous about this i was actually kind of about to go onstage and i was like scrawling notes on my napkin a lot of times ill write kind of manic notes on napkins or hotel stationary and jenny looked at me and she goes what are you doing and i said im writing my set list and then she goes i think itll be fine and i was like no it wont be fine and then she was like i think it will be okay and i said why do you think that and she said well you look so nervous i think theyll feel sorry for you but jenny has this really soft sweet voice like the kind of voice where you kind of get away with saying anything at one point she said it seems like you comedians are a lot funnier onstage normally id be offended by that but in this instance i was like you are right that is a great point you are beautiful you know she re she really was you know from the moment i met jenny i knew i wanted to sleep with her at least once stay with me uh i mean i mean that in like in the most meaningful way like that was the most that i was capable of in my life at that point i id jus id just come off a really long difficult breakup with my college sweetheart where we were gonna get married and and then we werent and then when we werent i was so heartbroken i just kind of swore off the idea of marriage or even living with someone entirely you know and but from the moment i met jenny i just wanted to be with her and i didnt i didnt think it was gonna happen like i dont have that kind of confidence i actually think of myself as a sex maybe which is to say that if im seeing a girl shed think id have sex with him maybe you know and im im not ashamed of that there were periods in my life where i was a sex never or a sex with self always yeah and often surprisingly often yeah i just dont give off a great first impression like ill give you an example like this is the shirt i decided to wear tonight like i didnt i didnt spill mustard on the real shirt and this is the backup shirt i mean this is my a outfit my b outfit was naked i like to dress down to perpetuate the myth that i might be a fixerupper ive reached this point in my life i dont really look in the mirror before i leave my apartment i glance at it to make sure im not bleeding you know what i mean like but i dont stare at the mirror if i stare at the mirror i get angry like i feel like im complaining about a bad call a ref just made im like come on youre blind if youre leaving the house like that and the ref is god and the competing teams are my gut and my receding hairline and its a close game cause my gut is large and my hairline is fast and im all riled up im about to charge the field and the guy comes by with fried dough and im like next time you know thats how i go for fried dough cause i have a problem i just this is ridiculous can you follow me over here for a second im gonna jump off stage this is only in seattle where someone is wearing no shoes no shoes or socks what who are you people what is wrong with you i would expect that behavior from this guy but not you sir not you what is this where do you think you are from seattle yeah seattle so ive been going uh recently to a womens exercise class iive given up on having a traditional male physique and so now im going for strong independent woman and uh its going pretty well you know im not as good in the class as you might think sometimes ill kind of skip whole sections of the more difficult exercises when the instructor isnt looking but then when she looks over i always have to strike a pose as though ive been doing what everybody else has been doing it reminds me of the olympics you know how they do gymnastics how theyll have those the girls will do those crazy flips and twirls and every once in a while and im not saying i root for this to happen but sometimes theyll fall and its ugly cause theyre rolling around like im in a lot of trouble like i dont even know how i got here but at the end of that no matter what and i totally fall for it im like that cant possibly be the same loser from moments ago i mean thats a completely different person this person has much better posture for starters i really wanted jenny to come out with me and andy that night in st louis cause we were going out to one of these famous irish pubs where no one can hear anyone speak and so i thought that might work to my advantage i dont know and uh i didnt have the nerve to ask her myself and so i convinced andy to ask her for us and uh pfft which yeah i dont know if that was the best idea cause uh were heading were in the car heading to the pub and jenny says oh i left my id at the hotel and i was like oh we can just swing back and get it and shes like shes like no itll be fine i was like no it wont be fine cause its st patricks day and theres bouncers and she goes no itll be okay and i was like no it wont be okay and then we get to the pub and it was fine like the bouncer just kind of waved her through which has not been my experience with bouncers for me bouncers are like prison guards and for jenny theyre like birthday clowns like you know what can i do to make your day betteryou know and thats were at the pub and it had taken so much convincing for andy to get jenny to come out there by the time she came out she thought she was on a date with him and yeah that wasnt the idea and so i said i had to convince him to fall away as the night went on like the red rockets on the space shuttle and eventually she realized she was on a date with me and she was not happy about that but uh but she warmed to me as the night went on cause she was drinking and then like no by the end of the night we were laughing and having a good time and we i caught a break which is we shared a ride back to our hotel with one of their friends and she and i were stuffed in this little back seat together and it was really quiet so i could hear her soft voice and she told me she had just come off a long difficult breakup and i told her about my breakup and for a moment there in the back seat it felt like we were holding up two halves of a broken paper heart and we get back to the hotel and i offer to walk her to her room and she says sure we get to her door and i didnt want this night to end and so i build up the courage to lean in to kiss her and she says oh no thank you which i thought was polite but disappointing i mean theres something about a rejected kiss that is the most personal type of rejection because youre really putting yourself out there youre just like i think we should connect mouths you know and the other persons like i do not think we should connect mouths and those are theyre two very different mouth agendas you know and then you just feel so stupid youre like i never should have suggested we connect mouths you know this is a sore subject for me i have sort of a long history of failed kisses like i i remember growing up like when people started making out like in my time in massachusetts it was in seventh grade i remember i remember it like it was yesterday cause i was shocked i was like people we know are just making out with other people we know but how you know it seemed like an alien ritual where these two aliens just attach orifices all of a sudden i was like i am not doing that and collectively all the girls in my class were like that is fine you are not on the list youre not exactly a firstround draft pick for our new activity i was like perfect it seemed so gross to me and it still does kind of like sometimes you hear these homophobic arguments from these guys who are like i dont like when i see two dudes making out in the street and i feel that way about anyone like making out is just sloppy its like watching a dog eat spaghetti thats how i make out is that right does anybody know if thats right okay good so in seventh grade i was like im not gonna make out with anybody and that was fine for a while but increasingly it kind of divided the class into two distinct parts it was like the makeout club and the nonmakeout club and these were informal organizations of course i mean i would be sad if that were schoolsanctioned like we call this meeting of the nonmakeout club to order first order of business nintendo second order of business why doesnt anyone like us meeting adjourned i dont know it was a sad group and we were losing good guys by the day i feared i feared that soon i would be the lone member of the nonmakeout club so i was like i got to try to get into the makeout club but it was a very intangible goal i didnt really talk to a lot of girls and there was one girl who sat in front of me in class named lisa bazetti who i had a huge crush on but she was way out of my league like she had many suitors she had i dont the rest of the show is in old english uh she doth had many suitors uh no she had many you know admirers and there were three of us really and i was in third place in all the trade publications but i had one advantage over these other guys which is she had to talk to me on the phone every night about homework thanks to alphabetical order bazetti birbiglia one time i said something on the phone that made her laugh and i was like oh this is great i got to do that more and one time we were on the phone and she was laughing so hard i remember so well cause she goes mike you got to stop im gonna pee myself and i was like wow this was the closest id ever come to a vagina so spent the next  years trying to get lisa bazetti to pee and thats how i ended up here yeah thats how we all ended up here in a sense so uh so heres what happened with lisa one time i built up the courage to ask her to go to the carnival with me and she said yes i couldnt believe it like all of a sudden i thought well maybe this will be like one of those romantic comedy montages well go to the carnival well get stuck on the top of the ferris wheel well make out itll all take a minute and a half and it will be set to phil collins song but i think that when youre  years old you just dont understand certain things about your digestive system you dont know that you shouldnt eat popcorn and peanuts and ice cream and cotton candy and then step onto a machine called the scrambler cotton candy being the most insane of these items its basically saying were gonna take sugar which everyone knows is bad but then well dress it up like insulation and im like im not sure what the selling point is there is it the sugar or the insulation theyre like we already sold it im like well done way to move the product before the information campaign disseminates i dont know if you have the scrambler here in seattle i imagine you might it travels on a truck it is a very mobile scrambling unit the premise is very simple you just sit on a twoperson pod with the person you are in love with and that pod goes in a circle which is part of a larger circle which is part of an even grander circle as i understand it it was originally designed as a medical device for constipated patients it was called the shits of pantserator and it was wildly successful and then it was coopted by the carnival workers of america cwoa and they said they said we like it but we do feel like the name is a little bit of a turnoff and then one guy says well what about the i think im gonna dieerator and theyre like thats good cause it gets across the essence of how you feel when youre on the machine plus it has the added wordplay with diarrhea which is a nice homage to the original intention of the machine but we still feel like the name might be a little bit of a turnoff and then one guy goes well what about the scrambler cause it scrambles you theyre like we get it frank but who frank is a maniac this guy cant be stopped but every once in a while hes got a good idea but who will be in charge of this dangerous piece of equipment and this one guy goes well i have a nephew whos  years old and smokes pot  hours a day i feel like he might be available and theyre like he sounds amazing we dont even need to interview him he sounds completely qualifiedi sit down with lisa on the scrambler and im feeling good like shes snuggling up close to me and im thinking im thinking like this could be it this could be where its all gonna happen this is very special and then they put that bar seat belt down and the bar seat belt is not a reassuring piece of safety equipment its not a ralph nader approved item i dont think its saved lives i think the only thing its ever done is in a scrambler accident its just sort of held someones esophagus down to the pavement making sure that they are dead and that they cannot talk about the scrambler accident first rule of scrambler accident dont talk about scrambler accident thats from scrambler club well i knew from the moment they put the bar seat belt down that i was going to throw up for sure and i even said to the  stoner i was like hey actually and then he was gone apparently he doesnt enjoy the second halves of sentencesso then im scrambling and as i am scrambling im thinking i need to come up with a plan of some kind im not going down without a fight my first plan was very simple it was just dont look at lisa dont look at any other people i was like dont look at lisa dont look at any other people dont look at lisa dont look at any other people i need a new plan and the new plan was i needed to tell the scrambler operator that he needed to stop the ride but the mathematics of the scrambler are such that the window of opportunity in which one can communicate with the scrambler operator is a very limited window so im like i got to tell him hes got to stop the ride i got to tell him hes got to stop the ride i got to tell him hes got to stop the ride please stop the ride and im back im not sure he heard me i got to say it louder please stop the ride im not sure hes paying attention i think he might be smoking pot right now the third time i said please stop and then i started throwing up and it was not unlike an oscillating lawn sprinkler just popcorn peanuts insulation really insulating the pavement with my homemade carnival salsa i did not look at lisa but im pretty sure she was staring at me because i was a spectacle at that point i was spectacular and we did not make out i did not lose my mouth virginity that evening two years later it gets worse um im at the st johns high school what they call a cattle call dance this is an all boys catholic school i attended where they would invite the girls from all over the state to our sweaty st johns gymnasium like cattle which is a friendly way to describe women you know so cattle shows up at  well make out with the cattle cattle goes home at  then we go out for burgers completely separate from the cattle analogy it was a horrible affair it was just like this room chockfull of sweat and hormones and drakkar noir and led zeppelin and making out at this point i was indeed the lone member of the nonmakeout club but it was actually worse than that cause i had to lie to my friends and tell them i had had my first kiss cause it was like this really tough all boys school and so when they would ask like oh have you had your first kiss id be like yeah like all the time like every every week i always feared at some point thered be a followup question like oh yeah whats it like and id be like yeah you know its just like licking an ice cream cone and theyd be like no its not its like sucking on a rocket pop and id be like ah wrong frozen dessert analogy im at the dance and im flanked by my friend sam ricciardi and were introduced by our friend tom to these girls from his town they were the last two cows at the dance they were like moo and we were like moo and then sam says one of these phrases i think weve all heard but is very uncomfortable to repeat he says you get that one which i know its the worst turn of phrase but im comfortable saying it cause i know ive been on the negative end of that conversation where a girl says of me you get that one and then her friend goes like oof you know or even worse or even worse like you owe me which really hurts thinking of someone incurring debt based on my appearance i would hate to hurt someones credit score you know so he goes he goes you get that one and then im just fast dancing with this girl sandra to young mcs bust a move and im not great at fast dancing but they had the strobe light going so its only catching me one out of every five hey so shes losing interest but at  the speed and then im saved by a slow song stairway to heaven which is a classic makeout anthem led zeppelin eight minutes long whats great about slow dancing is you cant really mess it up cause its just sort of a slowmotion hug like the only way you could mess it up is if you just started fast dancing in the middle of it shed be like what are you doing and id be like i dont pick up on social cues you know but its such a long song you know stairway so im just trying not to fidget im sort of a fidgety person i feared if i fidgeted too much i might initiate the head tilt too early i didnt know anything about making out but id seen people do it i could see theres like a head tilt i had heard there were tongues involved and i could see that there was like some kind of space in between the two mouths to me that was the most mysterious part of the whole thing what is happening in that space there is no you know theres no video documentation of that area its like the giant squid of making out no one has seen it alive theyve only seen it washed up on the shore which is more specific to the squid side of that analogy but so im trying not to fidget then with   minutes left in stairway to heaven the song hits that crescendo all around me kids start to make the tilt just a harvest of teenagers making out all around me and i was like oh no i dont want to be alone anymore and i make the slightest tilt and then sandra comes in strong and then its an allout mouth war and she had artillery cause she had braces it was like a dog eating spaghetti and the fork as this oral atrocity is taking place all i can think is im not alone anymore im not in the nonmakeout club and all i wanted to do was tell my friends but i couldnt because up until that point id lied and said that id had my first kiss i walked off the dance floor sam was like howd it go dude i had to be like same as always pretty smooth as the week wore on i started to convince myself well maybe it did go well and i should call sandra and this could bud into a relationship of some kind but i got her number from tom and those conversations ended up being very brief you know we didnt have a lot to talk about i remember just being like hey you like full house me neither cool all right later you know what i mean at certain points i remember getting this vibe from her kind of like why are you calling me and i remember thinking oh im probably reading into that one too much and and then she stopped calling me back and i was like oh yeah i read into that one perfectly but i just felt so dumb about the whole thing and the worst part is i couldnt even tell my friends until one day i was i was standing by my locker with my friend tom and so i said to him i was like hey whats going on with sandra like she hasnt called me back and tom has this knowing grin on his face i was like what tom was like nothing and i was like what tom was like nothing and i was like what toms like oh i talked to sandra and she said youre the worst kisser shes ever kissed and it was so devastating cause not only was it probably true but i couldnt explain to my friends why it was true i couldnt say that makes sense ive never done that before so instead i had to play it off i had to be like yeah that sounds about right im a terrible kisser thats kind of my thing so i lean in to kiss jenny and she says oh no thank you she agrees to go out with me in new york we were both living in new york and she gave me her number and i typed it in my phone and from that point on she would be jen irish pub nice a few weeks later i took her out to a restaurant i couldnt afford to show her how much money i could put on my credit card were out to dinner and she says to me she goes everyone hates me at work and i said why would they hate you i love you she goes you love me i go i mean you seem cool i pulled it back i didnt want to show all my cards just about nine of them one of the other things that she said of note on this date is she said you know sometimes ill date two people at once and that way im never let down by either person i said that seems like a really smart plan like id like to do that as well and she said im still kind of seeing my exboyfriend john and you can see other people too but you have to tell me if youre seeing them and i was like all right sounds like a plan got it break i got to go find some more people you know and so a few nights later im in another city and i do a show and after the show i went out to a bar and i ended up making out with this random girl then a few nights later im out to dinner with jenny and she says how was your trip and i said it was great i did some shows and then one night i ended up making out with this random girl and that didnt go over very well in the conversation i could sense that something was wrong and i was like but im right about that right like im supposed to tell you if that happens right and she says yeah but it doesnt mean that i wont lose interest in you and i said thats a whole new clause thats a twist what is this the romantic comedy version of the usual suspects i said are you still seeing john and she said sometimes i said well dont you see the contradiction in that and she says yes and it gets very quiet because we were falling in love three weeks into my relationship with jenny i built up the courage to ask her to go on a trip to bermuda i wanted to show her how much more money i could put on my credit card since i didnt have a lot left we went to bermuda cause it was the off season you can get these great deals online because as it turns out when its winter in new york it is also winter in bermuda and uh jenny and i meet up at the airport and shes late which is a big pet peeve of mine i fancy myself as a professional traveler im always two hours early i have my pocket for my ticket and my passport and i have laceless moccasins i never tell jokes about bombs and and jennys late and then we get to security and im not making this up she doesnt have a license or a passport and i said what do you mean i go how do you travel and she goes well usually they let me on the plane with my credit card and my work id i dont like to dwell on the differences between men and women but i just cant imagine a scenario where a man would go to the airport with no license and no passport and they would let him on the plane but women get a pass on things like this that i find completely bewildering i mean if i were in charge of alqaeda for example what what i would do is i would recruit attractive women because theyre just not stopped under any circumstances although it would be difficult to recruit them because all they have to offer are the  virgins and you know the women wouldnt want that unless theyre lesbians although theres an idea you know alqaeda alqaeda could recruit hot lesbians although then theyd have to guarantee that the  virgins are also lesbians i mean what are the odds you know all  virgins are also lesbians unless you think of sexuality as like a blank slate concept where the first person you have sex with dictates your sexual identity like the  virgins are like i didnt even know i was a lesbian until i had sex with that hot lesbian terrorist and now thats all im into i used to be into these afghani guys who are so crazy theyd die in a fiery plane crash to have sex with me and  of my friends but now i dont see khalid in the same way anymore the point is we went to bermuda and were on the flight on the flight and the flight attendant comes over and she puts champagne glasses down in front of us and she says congratulations on your honeymoon and we said oh no thanks were not on our honeymoon and she walks away and jenny says thats so funny i dont think ill ever go on a honeymoon and i said oh really and she goes yeah i dont think id ever want to get married in my life and i said oh really i go me too i said is that based on a principle or did you have a bad relationship like what was your first boyfriend like and she told me about her first boyfriend brian it was they were at the same bus stop when they were  and they would make out on the bus and they were together for six years and they you know their relationship got deeper and they would talk about how they were gonna get married and spend the rest of their lives together and i said then what and she said he died he had leukemia and i said well do you ever talk about this with anyone and she says no i dont really like to talk about it but these were the kinds of conversations we started having on this trip where jenny was opening up to me and i was opening up to her and every night wed be up till  or  in the morning and we were so happy we at one point i was like well we should do this again we should go on another trip and you could get a license or a passport jenny said that sounds great but i dont think id get a license or a passport cause they dont make me get one and i was like yeah but its the law you know jenny says yeah i dont think ill get one cause they dont make me get one you know thats how i feel thats how jenny argues things sometimes shell just say thats how i feel and ill say thats not an argument like were not even in an argument right now because you dont have an argument and shell say i just won that argument and ill say thats not even possible based on the definition of what an argument is and shell say i just won that argument again thats how i feel you could see how this could be a little bit maddening you know uh on our final day on the trip we got into an argument about essentially nothing she noticed there was a basketball court at our hotel and she said we should play and i was like yeah but not like a game and she said why and i said well cause id win and she said no i think i would win i go no i know that id win and i know that what im supposed to say is that the guy says ill win the girl says ill win and the guy lets her win and then she likes him more but i just dont have that in me and jenny goes you dont have to let me win lets go out and play and so we went out and played basketball and i just kicked her ass i mean it was just like it was just like  to  you know  to  i mean i was having a good day but still i was just destroying her and at one point she literally said ive never met someone whos so obsessed with the score and i said the score is what makes it a game so were arguing this over lunch and then again it comes up at dinner and then were still arguing about it at  or  in the morning about essentially nothing and she said i dont understand why youre so obsessed with being right i go im not obsessed with it i just am i said why do you think youre right and she says thats how i feel i said if you think im so wrong about everything why are you even with me and jenny says you cant choose who you love which is true but it doesnt mean its good i remember the first time i fell in love i was in high school and it was that first time where you fall in love and youre just like this is it i found her im  years old and im done you know and her name was amanda and she was like adorable and funny and what was really exciting for me was that she was like a delinquent like i was like this playbytherules school citizen and she had been expelled from her previous school for dealing acid which i thought was a really strong quality like at one point she was like it was totally messed up because it wasnt even me it was this other girl and i was framed and i was just like awesome like no one would ever frame me for anything i just i thought it was like an opposites attract situation she wanted to know what it was like to hang out with someone in student government who writes for the newspaper and i wanted to know what it was like to be cool at one point i was like do you want to write an article for the newspaper she goes i dont want to write an article i want to do things people write articles about and i was like good answeri find that when you fall in love you tend to overlook certain red flags one of them was that she would say really mean stuff to me but then she would pull it back shed be like no one likes you at all only kidding or like youre like a nerd but youre not even smart just joking cant choose who you lovesecond red flag with amanda was that she was a liar and i dont i dont mean that in an offensive way like lying was kind of like a its like a sport at the school i was at i transferred from the all boys school to this coed school there was this one guy in my class named keith robbins who was a legendary liar youd know when he was lying cause he would lick his finger like a bookie and he would dart his eyes from side to side and hed go yeah yeah nice nice you know and he wasnt even handling money like i dont even know what this is about and then he would lie about things that were sort of insignificant hed be like yeah my uncles tony robbins motivational speaker yeah nice you know and we found out that that wasnt even true but even if that were true that wouldnt be impressive to a bunch of high school students but i think thats the jedi level of lying is you lie about little stuff and no one notices when youre lying about big stuff its like bankingthe final red flag with amanda was that she told me not to tell anyone that she was my girlfriend i know im in the future also i think we can all see now cause were so smart and mikes so dumb and uh you know i can also see in retrospect thats a much bigger red flag than i perceived it to be at the time but i was so excited she was even with me at all and she said she had another boyfriend at home but they were in the process of breaking up but it was a bad time cause his parents were sick and so i tried to be understanding of that you know i went along with it for a few months until she invited me to meet her parents and i thought well this is the affirmation that i need im gonna be crowned as the main boyfriend and i drive my moms station wagon to amandas parents house and i walk in the front door and theres amanda and theres her parents and its going well and a few hours go by and this other guy comes over to the house and his name is scott im assuming hes like a family friend or a relative and slowly im noticing similarities between scott and things that amanda has said about her other boyfriend theyre both in their first year in college and theyre competitive wrestlers and its dawning on me that im hanging out with my girlfriends boyfriend and its going pretty well i mean he he seemed like a nice guy i could totally see what she saw in him there was some consolation that when he would go in the other room to the kitchen or the bathroom she would hold on to my hand and she would say i wish it were just you and me here and i remember thinking you could make that happen the way she said it was as though she werent involved in the decision process like id love to but the boys in corporatewell the day took an even stranger turn when scott suggested that we go hang out at his house and i met his parents it is indescribable meeting your girlfriends boyfriends parents for the first time part of you is angry for obvious reasons but then part of you still wants to make a good impression you know youre like maybe if this goes well shell see that im good with adults in general as a side note his parents seemed in perfect health at one point his dad even said to me how do you know amanda and i said were just friends from school and i was so ashamed and i felt so dumb and i drove home and i remember thinking i am never gonna let this happen to me again so ten months into my relationship with jenny she invites me to meet her parents and this was a tricky time at this point our relationship was intense but casual which is a dangerous relationship cocktail and it was a hard thing to organize cause i was away probably five days out of the week and so we found a sunday where i was coming back from a fiveday stint in texas which was awful cause it was in texas and i thats thats not to say i dislike texas entirely its such a large thing to dislike and uh but that week it felt like texas just disliked me and i just kind of disliked texas back to the point where i developed a small drinking problem which is which is very popular in texas i was performing at a comedy club now comedy i love comedy clubs cause theyre sort of a highlow entertainment proposition like in some ways though theyre the last bastions of free speech and the art of spoken word and then some of them sell dildo straws you know like theres  bachelorette parties coming through on the weekends and theyre handing out gummy penises or whatever thats thats actually a thing i didnt even realize that i didnt realize that that was part of the female fantasy of the penis was was the gummy quality of the penis i feel like if i were in charge of the candification of the penis it would be hard candy and then if and then if you suck it down to the gummy part then you just sort of put that off to the side but i but thats thats not my job im you know i leave that to the experts but i just i just do the comedy part but i was performing at this club all week and after the late show saturday night i was approached by this bachelorette party that had one of these sort of novelty sexual checklist things and id been drinking all week and uh i always try to be a team player you know so i was like whatever i can do to help i dont see how this could end badly and uh the next morning i wake up in the my hotel room and im hung over and im groggy and i roll out of bed and i run to the airport to catch my flight im still two hours early and i land in new york and i get a cab to jennys parents house and i walk in the front door and theres jenny and theres her parents and theres her other sort of exboyfriend john and he wasnt front and center like he was just kind of around like he was in the pool like wading and doing laps like that kind of thing but i pulled jenny aside i was like well whats john doing here and she says well he and i arent still together but when we were together he became friends with my stepdad and hes been staying here at their house the last couple weeks and i said you know thats not good i feel like that gives him the edge jennys staring at me and i said what she says you have a hickey on your neck and i said i dont think thats true and then i glance at the mirror next to me and realize that in fact i do have a hickey on my neck and i say im really sorry and she says where is that from and i said there was this bachelorette party and i was drunk that sentence never comes out right i mean theres no way to deliver that line in a way that makes you seem even okay and we start arguing and the argument follows us all the way back to the street in front of my apartment i didnt have a leg to stand on i was like well what about john what was he doing there she said you have a hickey on your neck i said yeah but at least i told you the truth and she said eventually and i said eventually is better than never and then she kneed me in the balls i dont know if youve ever experienced this before im sure half of you have not uh its like being electrocuted except you dont get to die its like you want to die but you cant and theres a person in your face saying you deserve this which they wouldnt even do in electrocutions i think they would deem that as inhumane  even in texasjenny says i think that we should just break up you know its not just this i mean youre away a lot of the time and even when youre here you work at night and i work in the day i just dont think its gonna work out and i said okay  and we were apart for about six months and i missed her so much but i kept resisting calling her cause i wanted to give her space and every once in a while id get a glimmer of hope in the form of a text message from jen irish pub nice and it would just say hi and id write back hi it was the smallest form of communication two people could have with one another but i think in some ways kept us together and finally on new years i caved in and i called her i said hey i really miss you and i want to see you and we got together for coffee and we hit it off just like we used to and we decided we would get back together we had a great period there you know i took her to get a license and a passport first we went for her social security card and then we took that to the dmv and then we mailed all of that to the government for a passport it was like the triple crown of identifications jenny was wildly identifiable one night she was heading back from my apartment to hers and she stops and i said what and she says i think that we should live together and i said no i really dont think thats a good idea you know ive just decided you know as a principle im not gonna get married or live with someone its not personal and she said well unless we live together i just dont think its gonna work out cause we just dont see each other enough and i dont think that we stand a chance thats how i feel so we moved in together and one day jenny gets an invitation to the wedding of one of her friends and she invites me to come along and i said oh no thanks that doesnt go over so well she says why and i said well as you know i dont believe in marriage and so i dont buy into the flamboyant pageantry that goes into celebrating it she said well what do you believe in and i said i dont know she said well if you dont believe in anything how can you not believe in marriage and i said well first of all you know it just doesnt seem necessary i mean is it you know marriage is an archaic institution invented in the middle ages based on exchanging property i dont want to be a part of that second of all i dont even think we have a common cultural understanding of what marriage even is i mean one of me and andys friends was about to get engaged and we were skeptical and we said are you sure this is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life and he goes yeah i think so and we said well what if she gets in a car accident and shes disfigured would you stay with her then and he said maybe that is not an acceptable answer third of all if im so in love why does it need to be written into a government contract and im not one of these like i dont want government up in my business kind of people i think the government does a nice job delivering the mail and suggesting i dont eat poison but i just dont understand why they need to be involved in my personal relationships then finally if marriage is religious shouldnt i believe in the religion ive been to more weddings of my friends where the people on the altar dont believe in the religion of the church theyve invited us to some of them even go to classes with the priest in advance to more elaborately lie about believing in a religion they dont believe in just to have a wedding in a fancy building that is insane thats how i feel so i explain this to jenny and jenny says well if you ever did want to get married i would marry you and i said why arent you listening to any of this and jenny says thats how i feel at this point it was  in the morning wed been arguing all night and we hadnt slept i had to catch a flight at  am out of newark airport to los angeles for a show i was doing that night at this point im overtired and im angry and im late im stuffing my things in my roller suitcase and i walk out of our apartment its  am that part of the morning before the earth even exists before they program the matrix or whatever you walk out of your apartment part of the road isnt even there theres a guy with a laptop going we need a road stat whats the code for building tank you know and i get to the airport the news hasnt even started yet its just an anchor looking around like what are you up to and i get to the kiosk and i print up my ticket and i bring it to the security lady and she looks at me and she goes well that aint your gate like i guess they changed the gate but the way she said it was as though i had participated in the decision of changing it i was like i was not involved in this process i wasnt even ccd like as though i had gone to the kiosk and been like  like hell im flying out of  and then i photoshopped my own ticket printed it out and been like this is where im going you know im not that aggressive as a traveler so i was like well where is this gate she goes its in another terminal you got to take a tram she points to the tram and i start walking my roller suitcase and i hear her say and you better run like i guess i was late at that point so i started running and the roller suitcase does not enjoy running the roller suitcase was like i dont want to run i have wheels and i was like i dont want to run either but this is what we have to do i tell you what when we get to the hotel ill walk you in circles for a few hours then i i get to the tram and it has that feature where it says how many minutes before the next tram arrives and it says zero minutes i was like perfect thats exactly how long i want to wait but the trams riding away i was like thats  minute then it says ten minutes and im experiencing that psychological downward spiral like oh great im gonna miss my flight and then im gonna miss every flight from now on and im gonna miss my family reunion and then im not gonna have a family and then im gonna be a crack whore and its like all of a sudden im a crack whore just because i miss this one flight i can feel the cancer forming in my body in real time andi get on the next tram ten minutes later and i run to the gate and im sweaty and im out of breath but im on time and im so relieved that i sit down in a chair at the gate and i fall asleep and i wake up to the sound of the door shutting i jump up and the door is closed and i am on the sad side of the door the happy side has an airplane and a pilot the sad side is me and the cinnabon lady normally id be very excited if it were just me and the cinnabon lady im a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that have enough calories for a year i think thats an effective use of time but in this instance i needed someone who could communicate with the people on the plane and the cinnabon lady is not very well connected in the airline community i was like do you know these people she was like all i know is the white stuff goes on the cinnamon bun i ran up to the giant glass window i started pounding on the window like in a romantic comedy i was like drew barrymores character come back she didnt come back and i missed my flight i got on the next one they could get me on there was a stopover in texas you know how i feel about texas and uh i get to los angeles late that night and id missed my show id never missed one of my shows before and im so angry and jennys calling me but im not picking up the phone cause im blaming this entire day on her i get back to my friend andys house and i said andy this relationship is messing up my entire life and andy goes youre right i go i know im right he goes yeah youre right i go i know im right i got to tell her about this in the morning i drive out of andys small road and im tboned thats the culinary way of describing it in   seconds im spun around and i think im dead no wait im paralyzed and then i hear nothing then i hear the other car skid out and drive away  minutes later im sitting on a curb at this point the police have arri have arrived as well as my friend andy and thats when i start crying you know how when you drop a baby on the ground it doesnt doesnt start crying right away because it doesnt understand the concept of dropping a baby on the ground until it sees your face and then its like oh i guess i should be doing something that matches that waah im crying because im looking at my totaled car in front of me and realizing that in that moment i might have ceased to exist like i said earlier i dont really believe in anything so in my mind that would have been the end of all things id experienced in my life every kiss or failed kiss or scrambler ride would come to a conclusion and the officer comes over and he says what happened and i said i got hit by this car and then i heard nothing and then i heard the other car skid out and drive away the officer points over to the light the other car has made a right turn at the light and veered into this very skinny tree i cant help but think thats karma thats a hit and run and hit and then the officer puts this form in my face and he goes sign this and i said well what does it mean and he goes it means youre okay and that we can leave i was really shaken up i was like i dont know if im okay and he goes just sign it which is a very unattractive quality when someone just repeats a command that youve just said no to and its unattractive but very effective you know i signed it andy takes me to the hospital just as a precaution but we have to wait two hours cause the other driver had beat us there and eventually were with the doctor and andy says to him he goes well was the other guy drunk and the doctor says well i cant answer that and andy says was he he uses the technique we had learned earlier and it works you know the doctor says well hes heading to jail now and andy and i flash each other a look like the hardy boys like case closed a few hours later were back at andys house its probably around  in the morning and i have one of these epiphanies people sometimes have when they have neardeath experiences i say i need to call jenny and tell her that we need to get married and andy says mike sleep on it and i said no no no this makes perfect sense and i pick up my phone and i dial her number and he puts his hand over the phone and he says mike sleep on it he saves me the next morning i fly back to new york and a few weeks later i get a call from my rental car agency explaining that the accident report had come back on the accident that i just described and it had found me at fault and that i owed and im not making this up  for the repairs on the other drivers mercedes suv and i was like well this cant be happening i explained to the woman i think its a misunderstanding the other guy was clearly drunk it was definitely not my fault and she said im really sorry but unless they change the accident report you owe this money so i requested the accident report and im gonna show you the actual accident report tonight i dont know if youve ever seen one of these things before but its a little bit like homework for cops and officer timson not so good with the homework he consistently mixes up passenger one and passenger two vehicle one and vehicle two at one point so badly that he says  thats me started to go but all of a sudden  thats me also came at a high rate of speed crashing into him now im pretty selfdestructive as a person but i would never crash into my own car with my own car nor would i understand how you could do that this part is even crazier the other drivers statement at the scene of the accident was i was on venice going uh im not too sure i was going away from the beach i was driving i dont know what happened did i hurt anyone i dont know where i was going but i came from home i had a sip of beer which is really everyones favorite quantity of beer just the one sip right thats what they serve these days at the homebeachpubso all of its mine the officer makes one key mistake he checks the box that finds me at fault so im like i need to get officer timson on the phone so we can clear up this misunderstanding the problem is he keeps ducking my calls and i know cause im calling two or three times a day leaving messages calling departments next to his department so he knows im trying to reach him and finally after a month of this i get him on the phone and im so relieved and i explain this misunderstanding and he listens to me and he says do the right thing and pay for the guys car i know and i mean thats what i said i go arent you listening to any of this i go and this guy was clearly drunk i mean he nearly killed me inches from where he hit and i would be dead right now and he wants me to pay for his car dont you see how crazy that is just as one human being to another and he says do the right thing and pay for the guys car and he hangs up the phone and at this point this stops being about money and its just about stopping a man who has no regard for people or the law this is chinatown so i started printing up google maps of the scene of the accident and california state driving law im on the phone with lawyers and private investigators theres only one lawyer who would consider the case and he was an accident lawyer and he said did you have any loss of income from the accident and i said no and he says did you have any loss of income from the accident and i said no this isnt about money and he doesnt take the case and this is when i start going completely madim up to about  or  am every night just surfing the web i get a subscription to a site called netdetectivecom which is a great site for vigilantes who have  so now i know this guys name i know where he lives i know what he does for a living and in my mind it becomes like a trailer for a revenge thriller like jim bosworth thought he was gonna get away with this but jim bosworth had another thing coming mike birbiglia i was like im gonna track down jim bosworth im gonna sue jim bosworth and im gonna sue the entire los angeles police department at this point people stopped talking to me entirely my friends would call me like hey whats going on id be like ill tell you whats going on id tell them this whole story and theyd be like you should get a lawyer id be like this is way past lawyers a lawyer wouldnt even touch this cause he wouldntthe only person who would talk to me at this point was jenny one night we were out to dinner at a restaurant and shes talking to me but im not listening cause im writing down ideas i have for the case on my napkin ive drawn out a diagram of the intersection and the angles the cars are coming from and going to and the lanes that we were in the laws the other driver broke and the phone numbers im gonna call that week and im so angry im writing over my own handwriting to the point where im ripping through the napkin and jenny looks at me and she says what are you doing and i said well this is my case and she says well why dont you work on that in the morning and i said well which part of this napkin dont you understand jenny says mike youre right but its only hurting you and im just so glad that youre alive and i think that we should focus on that she only has to say it once and i give up the case and i pay for this guys car july   jenny and i went to city hall and got married i still didnt believe in the idea of marriage and i still dont but i believe in her and ive given up on the idea of being right thank you guys very much thank you thank you guys so much thanks for coming here tonight and joining me�XM�hello hello how you doing great thank you wow calm down shut the fuck up thank you what a lovely welcome im gonna try my hardest tonight youre thinking relax weve had our moneys worth just seeing you what youre a legend shut up what is he im not a god im just an ordinary guy you know going round talking to people sort sort of like jesus in a way but better well ive actually turned up so thank you and welcome to my new show humanity i dont know why i called it that im not a big fan i prefer dogs obviously dogs are better people than people arent they theyre amazing dogs theyre our best friends they guard us they guide us theres medical detection dogs that can smell if youve got aids im not a doctor but their noses are a thousand times more sensitive than ours so they go cor youre well hiv fuck you know and you go you can smell aids on someone yeah why didnt you smell it on the bloke i brought home last night you fucking idiot they did the first three billion years by themselves evolution and all that then we got involved and did some selective breeding getting them how we wanted to do jobs for us bit stronger faster whatever theyre great at the jobs theyre bred to do they love the job theyre bred to do theyre genetically hardwired to love that behavior although the rhodesian ridgeback was bred to hunt lions i cant help but think it was a shock to it when it found out so weve got all the pedigrees for miles around a big passingout parade theres a bloke with a white coat and a clipboard he goes right dogs they go what who wants to know what job they got we all do we all do okay labradors yeah do you like carefully bringing back dead ducks yeah thats your job amazing that is amazing that is my favorite job that is my favorite job jack russells yeah you like shooting down rabbit holes yeah thats your job fuckin hell best day ever best day ever miniature poodles yeah do you like being carried around by elderly homosexuals yeah thats your job thats your job ridgebacks yo youre hunting lions what youre hunting lions fuck off yeah you are no were not look lions well get fucking mashed why cant the rottweilers hunt lions theyre shaking babies good boy good boy you shake that baby if you want good boy cheers this is my first new standup for seven years if you dont count the golden globes which you shouldnt the golden globes very different god a different vibe two hundred million people watching and its live big thrill but with that many people watching theres a bit of stick everyones different everyones a blogger everyone goes i was offended why he said an horrible thing he said loads of horrible things yeah but that was a thing that i care about thats the thing about offense its about personal feelings i dont care about the backlash comedian in hot water you know my girlfriend jane she worries and she reads things what have you said dont worry they wont come to the house fuck em so i wind her up i pretend im gonna say much worse things than i ever would i have to make up worse jokes than i actually just to scare my girlfriend when i do the golden globes we go out about a week before its in la we fly out im writing jokes as the ceremony approaches they release more presenters i take my pick i got a good intro for them yeah mel gibson ill introduce him yes about three days before this last one just to wind jane up i said i got a good intro she went what i said bill cosby would make our next presenter sleep on the couch please welcome helen mirren i didnt do it she said you wont do that i said no next day i got her again i said is this too much i said not even bill cosby carries enough tranquilizer to bring down this next magnificent beast please welcome melissa mccarthy i didnt do it i would never id never tell a joke like that its horrible i was just doing it to annoy jane id never even think of that so dont even on the day on the way to the red carpet in the limo i said ill start with a funny oneliner an oldfashioned joke she went what i said what did the deaf dumb and blind orphan get for christmas jane went i dont know i said cancer i didnt do it so youre getting offended at a joke that doesnt exist so id never say that in public so to anyone who mattered anyway so dont i didnt have to worry about offending anyone it just happens the big controversy last time i did it was a caitlyn jenner joke outrage on twitter the next day i mean a couple of people going it was transphobic it wasnt transphobic in the slightest it was a joke about a trans person but it had nothing to do with that aspect of her existence and thats the other thing about offense people mistake the subject of a joke with the actual target theyre not necessarily the same ill tell you the joke you make your minds up its live so they go your host for the  annual golden globes awards please welcome ricky gervais theyre all clapping the actors are smiling at me nervously its brilliant right so i just go relax im gonna be nice tonight ive changed not as much as bruce jenner obviously and i go now caitlyn jenner of course and what a year shes had became a role model for trans people everywhere bravely breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes she didnt do a lot for women drivers thats a clever joke ill tell you why right its layered no listen right the subject of that joke is stereotypes im playing with the notion of stereotypes i start by saying shes a real woman a liberal progressive attitude then if shes a real woman i hit them with the oldfashioned stereotype she must be a bad driver then right the target of the joke is a celebrity killing someone in their car lets not forget that shall we a celebrity killing someone in their car running home and popping on a dress thats the target of the joke just so were clear okay she was interviewed a week later at a press conference for a show of hers now cancelled and one of the press said what do you think of the ricky gervais joke she went maybe i should host the golden globes and they tweeted that and ed me in because they want a celebrity feud it was clickbait i rose to the bait obviously i just sent back let her host just dont let her drive another website that was in the room entertainment weekly they tweeted a different headline and they ed me in their headline was caitlyn finally breaks silence over ricky gervais i just sent back at last she always brakes too late bring it on bring it on but im a considered comedian i like my jokes to be accurate and my targets to be fair so i was engaging these people saying why is it transphobic they said its about a trans person thats ridiculous thats like saying a joke about bill cosby is automatically racist it depends on the joke but im willing to learn i found out my crime was that i deadnamed her id never heard that term before a day after the golden globes and that was saying her old name and even acknowledging she used to be a man but she did i saw him on the olympic games he was a decathlete he was in everything all over the place shot put and pole vault he won a medal he was famous he was on telly all the time you know a big famous man with a huge i dont know im guessing probably he was big but ive learnt my lesson now i know its wrong id never deadname her now but years ago when she was a man years ago im saying and she went to the doctor and knocked on the door the doctor went come in this is years ago id never deadname her now but this is like a flashback before anyone you know what so so like come in and he went hello bruce jenner because that that was his name then the doctor– this was years ago the doctor went all right bruce jenner how you doing you fucker you big old lunk how you doing come here you you fucker how you doing brucie boy and bruce jenner– that was his name this is years ago right so bruce jenner went yeah yeah not too bad doctor yeah what can i do for you bruce you fucker how you doing boy and bruce jenner went– that was his name bruce jenner went look at that the doctor went come on bruce jenner you know the rules he uses his whole name every time for some reason come on bruce jenner you fucker you know the rules you cant bring your big old pole vaulting pole in here mate bruce jenner went no thats not my pole thats my enormous penis well seeing as its your penis you can bring it in here but you should have left your shot puts outside and bruce jenner went that was his name for fiftyeight years i think he went no theyre not my shot puts doctor theyre my enormous testicles thats where i keep my testosterone and my spunk and shit right and the doctor went oh yeah that makes perfect– im a medical man youre a big bloke you fucker how you doing boy youre a big youre big and you would have a big old cock and balls theyre beautiful bit familiar innit no you must be very proud of them bruce bruce went this is going to surprise you doctor i wanna get rid of them and the doctor went what why oh they get in the way in the way of what fucking driving for one thing so im engaging these people and im saying but i had to say her old name thats the joke i say ive changed not as much as bruce jenner then i do the joke but no this is my second crime i say she hasnt changed shes always identified as a woman that means shes a woman fine if thats the rules if you feel youre a woman you are im not a bigot who thinks having all that done is science going too far in fact i dont think its going far enough cause ive always identified as a chimp right well i am a chimp if i say im a chimp i am a chimp preop but dont ever deadname me dont call me ricky gervais again from now on you call me bobo im gonna have species realignment im halfway there im short with short legs and long arms i stoop my backs getting hairier by the day ive got fangs like that i love nuts i love nuts once i was at the zoo and people were looking at me so i just started masturbating like so i am a chimp right i am a chimp if i say im a chimp ive got to live as a chimp for a year then have hormones get me all nice and hairy thatd be lovely im gonna stay a male chimp so i can keep all that right male heterosexual chimp keep the same girlfriend jane would be happy she loves me she loves chimps so you know i reckon thats got to be easier for a man to turn into a chimp were so close than for a man to turn into a woman in many ways a bit of hair and a top lip like that as opposed to your cock and balls ripped off and a hole gouged out into– im not a doctor but that is the gist of it i know which one id rather have done im not saying chimps are better than women no way right any ladies here i cant see you but to me every single one of you is equal to a chimp so so id have all that done hair and that id do all that all the ill retain the ability to speak english like in emergencies im talking to jane shes going what is it what is it bobo you left the fucking oven on theres a fire are you saying that if caitlyn jenner was being chased by a wolf and there was a big fence but she had a long pole shed revert shed be over that fucking easy so id have all that done top lip doing all that right ill be legally a chimp ill be well properly chimpedup ill be able to use chimp toilets ill be walking along holding janes hand come on bobo right we dont hold hands now i dont know why shes all over me now im a chimp but well be all in love maybe matching jumpers come on bobo in love just two like that then if a bigot in a van slows down and goes thats fucking disgusting ill fling shit at him and run up a tree and thats why that joke isnt transphobic so cheers so humanity what is humanity what are we well weve touched upon it there were great apes not metaphorically were literally great apes we are  genetically identical to a chimpanzee were closer to chimps than chimps are to gorillas we left our common ancestor about six million years ago we have the same life cycle same as any other animal which is our parents mate were born we grow we mate our parents die our friends die and then we die now my sevenyearold niece didnt like hearing that but i said youve gotta learn stop crying i said youre seven you know today so any more grizzling and this partys cancelled so lets take the first of those birth its odd because a human is born before the end of its natural gestation period i mean because of our evolution our brain is so big we have to get that huge head out early thats why the skull is in parts and supple then we go on gestating outside the womb thats why were so useless look at other mammals a giraffe is walking along it goes im proper pregnant right im gonna have a baby giraffe right here yeah there it is see you later and the baby goes mum its got to be fucking ready were were helpless right just think nine months were growing in this perfect environment everythings its like being in a little kate bush video right then suddenly youre being squeezed out of an hole near an ass youre covered in shit theres screaming you go i cant breathe someone goes yes you fucking can the first one second of life on earth you dont know where you are you cant choose where youre born i was born in whitley estate in reading right i wouldnt have chosen that id have chosen hampstead i did choose hampstead it just took  years to be able to afford it very different very different my upbringing to how i live now now i live a privileged life hampstead is ridiculous its a rarefied place its like the grandchildren of poets and painters and me new money right but growing up it was tough i dont know about now but in my day my estate was rough and scary it felt like wildlife i was weak and vulnerable there was danger round every corner my school was on my street and i ran there every day so i didnt get mugged or molested there werent many pedophiles in reading the murderers had killed a lot but there was still a couple i moved to hampstead oh my god theres no crime i saw a knife once in hampstead it was a palette knife just a bloke oil painting in the middle of the street broad daylight noone gobbing on it or calling him bender it was weird i know my life has changed drastically it wasnt always like that as a famous person you read about yourself gossip and twitter and everything one thing kept cropping up even as i prepared for this tour people kept saying hes out of touch hes so famous hes rich hes megarich i am right i could have this place burnt down for a laugh no but they say things like hes an observational comedian how can he say things that relate to ordinary scum and i say i say dont call them scum right but even the papers they try and get around to it i do interviews and theyll always say do you always fly first class i go no often private right the number of times ive answered this question they say do you know how much a pint of milk is to make you look out of touch i dont know but thats irrelevant next time a journalist asks me ill say i dont know but heres a grand run and get me one is that enough that enough yeah another question i always get particularly with the posh sundays doing a profile piece theyre still trying to alienate you make you look different they say things like you dont have children i say no why dont you have children which is an odd question why dont you have children as opposed to asking people why do you have children lets ask the fat lady in the leggings why shes had eight shall we nine that one just fell out that one didnt even touch the sides or disturb her cigarette that one just go and claim for that people say its selfish to not have children how is it selfish to not bring a life into the world that doesnt exist on any level theres not a cabinet full of potential ghost fetuses going we want to be born right but ive thought about it and theres three reasons i dont have children three main reasons and ill share them with you three reasons one theres millions the worlds overpopulated noones going ricks not having kids were gonna run out fuck two kids are scroungers arent they i mean from day one its all me me me isnt it feed me clothe me pay for my chemotherapy no no not my problem son not mine luck of the draw boy luck of the draw it costs the average household in the west  to bring up a child and they dont want to pay you back theyre not grateful they dont go thanks for having me its i didnt wanna be born even if they get a top job which they wont youll never see that money back theyll just put you in a home okay and my kid hed be born into ridiculous wealth wouldnt he so hed be a little cunt a little hampstead cunt running around with all the other fucking little hampstead cunts being all hampstead and cunty im a little hampstead cunt yes i know these are my cunty friends i know its obvious i can tell from your little fucking cunty hats that youre little hampstead cunts you little posh hampstead first hed know he was a little hampstead cunt im a little yes we know everyone knows right hed know that right on the other hand hed know hed never live up to being as brilliant as his dad id say i worked my way up from nothing and youre just a useless hampstead cunt hed go yeah and that would probably prey on his little mind a bit eleven twelve hed be naughty run with the wrong crowd try and get out from under my shadow then hed turn to drugs about  hed come home and overdose on my afghan rug twenty grand that was right and as he was there convulsing and throwing up his fucking lungs right and with his little posh highpitched fucking death rattle his little fucking dying words hed go do you love me now daddy no no no i never did thats why youll never be born you useless fucking junkie hampstead cunt and three id worry sick about him you know no i would ive only got a cat now and i worry sick about her i check the door three times when i go out so she doesnt escape i put food and water in every room in case the door shuts and shes peckish a human baby oh my god the responsibility of a human life id watch it sleep you know we said how weak and vulnerable they are oh my god you perfect little thing oh you flesh of my flesh now go to sleep in your expensive cot like that night night sleep tight dont let the bedbugs dead yeah just why why is it dead its just fucking dead look fucks sake fucking hell what the what a fucking waste of time that was fucks sake embarrassing jane what come here im in the shower come here what fucking dead already i didnt just fucking fucking hell jane you call that a baby that is if jane was out id have to text her wouldnt i what could you babys dead shed come back what the fuck id go yep forget the pampers lol but even if it made it through the terrifying cot years and it was a toddler running around head height to my antique tables with their sharp edges id have to pad them so it didnt run into it cave its head in and die then social services come round and say is this your child mr gervais yeah what happened here then i go its a fucking idiot i did think of adopting for a while a little third world child because that would tick all three boxes one i wouldnt be adding to the population problem id be alleviating an existing problem a young kid born through no fault of his own into abject poverty he would have died i can literally save his life and give him a great upbringing right two he would be grateful wouldnt he hed wanna pay me back woudnt he particularly if i let him know the other kids in the village werent so lucky they didnt they didnt make it out right id tell him that early on so he really bucked his ideas up id go tunde come here come here yeah yeah go and pop a shirt on youre not in africa now thats better yeah tunde look– yeah water straight out of a tap innit yes yeah yeah no its not free its hampstead you know but yeah course its safe safe fresh drinking water have as much as you want have a bucket full fresh drinking water there you go go and clean the car go on no id go look remember all your friends in the village back in africa theyre all dead a rich man didnt save them and bring them to hampstead do you wanna pay me back yeah yeah i bet you do the good thing about them is they can start work when theyre about six i just call up nike and i go do you still make your stuff in sweatshops got a great little worker here yeah pound a days fine hes gotta start somewhere and three if he ran round and caved his head in and died and social services came round and said is this your child mr gervais id go does it look like mine id go this is hampstead its obviously broken in thats why i dont have kids even though i dont have children of my own people still show me photos of theirs like i give a shit i dont mean my own family theyve given up ive got older brothers and sisters theyve had loads of kids and their kids have kids and then their kids theres about  i dont know all their names i see them at christmas its all uncle ricky they know ive got a bit of cash they go through my pockets and then fuck off its like being mugged by mice right i dont mean them i mean strangers i could be busy i could be working like on the set of a tv or film or something stressed producing or directing it you get someone whos in for one day with one line or a stuntman they introduce themselves good be with you in a minute then they hover busy i go yeah yes yeah they go working the weekend i go not filming but ill be in the edit im taking my youngest to ballet lessons ah great great yeah shes eight ive got a photograph i go you know what show me it if she goes missing ill keep an eye open in the woods youve gotta go through the whole polite rigmarole and go shes beautiful its gotta be long too short its awkward they know you go yeah right too long and its like shes shes fucking beautiful its a minefield innit so im not out of touch but i am spoiled theres a difference i didnt have any money until i was  ive got the same family friends and values but i am spoiled because opportunity and privilege spoils you and it doesnt take much il give you an example when i first made it in america the next time we flew were met by a bloke in a suit and a thing and he just walked us past the queue and straight out the other side the first time youre horrified everyones looking pretending to be late baseball cap oh god next time we flew i went wheres that bloke im not queueing its quick when i fly to the states ive got a place there but im always working so someone else is paying so i go first class ba it doesnt get any better even if i was paying id still go first class but jane would probably be in coach its ten grand a pop that new planet of the apes movies on shell love that shell be up for that but when someone else is paying i say jane get up here with me right front two seats they board us early were on the plane about  minutes before anyone else god they bring round these snacks these warmed caramelized nuts in a bowl champagne its great its like a day off no phone or anything its like a holiday flying to the statesi could do without the safety video thats always a bit of a downer and totally pointless if you hit the side of a mountain at  miles per hour the brace position does fuck all imagine if that worked youre going down the plane smashes you go ill try it you do that ball of flames you wake up everyones dead you go fucking hell thats amazing that is and they always use that voice dont they that calming hypnotic voice like nothing bad will happen theyre saying horrendous things but nothing bad will happen because im using this voice dont worry things like in the event of the plane landing on water– it smashes the fuck to bits right they say in the event of the plane landing on water your life jacket is equipped with a whistle a fucking whistle so the plane hits the water smashes to bits everyones dead except you by a miracle youre bobbing around in the atlantic ocean four degrees that water is youve got about  minutes before hypothermia sets in or youre eaten by a shark or you drown youre hoping theyve sent airsea rescue youre going god im gonna die i dont know what im doing hold on i mean air sea rescue i dont know if youve ever been in a helicopter o course you havent but theyre fucking loud its like having your head in a washing machine you have to wear ear plugs and defenders your teeth rattle its like like that over the atlantic ocean at night never gonna happen if you crash you die right but apart from that its brilliant right i was flying heathrow to jfk just before christmas right boarded us early on the plane she comes round champagne in a wine glass like you like it mr gervais she goes off i go have you got any of them warm nuts she went were not handing out nuts on this flight a ladys getting on whos so allergic even someone eating nuts nearby would cause her to have a fatal reaction i went oh my god of course i was fuming i mean whats that got to do with me why cant i eat nuts just cause fucking this woman will die right nuts how has she lived this long if walking by a nut kills you if being just near a nut how has she never been near a nut before and how has she lived long enough having never been near a nut how has she lived long enough to earn enough money to be near me on a plane right honestly its and if being near a nut kills you do we really want that in the gene pool i mean i never wanted nuts more i felt she was infringing on my human right to eat nuts and this is how spoiled i am okay i actually had this thought i thought oh i wish id brought my own nuts on right i thought for a second but that wouldnt work shed get on and start blowing up like a frog right like that and die and someone would go ricky gervais brought his own nuts on you know right so i dont take my own nuts on now before i fly i have a shower and then i rub myself all over in nuts just in case then i go can i have any nuts they go no sorry this lady would die yeah not a problem lady gets on sits down starts blowing up like a frog i go whats the matter i touch her all over whats the matter she goes nuts right and dies and i go whos been eating nuts i get off scotfree so i got to america i went on a chat show tonight show with jimmy fallon and i told that story the whole thing it went well audience laughed great went out next day on twitter outrage by outrage i mean one person going how dare you this woman goes i saw you on jimmy fallon making fun of nut allergies my daughters nutintolerant how dare you i go who is this woman shes tweeted  times she starts ing nbc and jimmy fallon i go whats this how many followers twentythree ignore it you know when youre being told off and they use your own words against you like a teacher going so you find so and so funny and cause the teachers really angry yes you do find that thing funny whatever she said would you find it funny if my daughter blew up like a frog yeah yeah you saying that yes if you said that at the funeral i would yeah so someone else gets involved ohio moms against nuts right and she does a blog and theyre talking to each other and she puts me in her blog about how disgusting i am one filmed her little girl put it on youtube and sent me it i opened it sweet little girl seven years old and she went dear mr gervais i have a fatal nut allergy delete not my problem right ignore ignore ignore right but then one of them said something that reeled me in just cause im this selfconfessed twitter police i try and explain to someone every day what freedom of speech means particularly in the context of comedy and in the context of a joke a joke about a bad thing isnt as bad as the bad thing or necessarily condoning the bad thing it could be anti the bad thing it depends on the actual joke and this woman said you should never make jokes about food allergies i should have left it right i sent back i make jokes about aids cancer famine and the holocaust and youre telling me i should never joke about food allergies she sent back yes but the holocaust didnt kill children well it did didnt it it was horrible the holocaust some would say as bad as food allergies didnt kill children jesus it did kill children hitler killed  million people many of them children i have to say hitler you couldnt make him up the worst human being to walk the face of the earth he is a crazy evil racist narcissistic serial killer just terrible but if i was throwing a dinner party and id been slaving over a hot stove and i was getting everything ready and there was one place left and i had to either invite hitler or that little girl with food allergies i know whod ruin that party more everyones enjoying it everything okay ja ist yummy right hes loving it i go cheers you fucker how you doing boy shes going i cant eat that fucking hell who wants ferrero rocher me all right here i cant eat them oh fuck off home rightthats what the worlds like people see something they dont like they expect it to stop as opposed to deal with their emotions they want us to care about their thing as much as they do its why the world is getting worse and the world is getting worse i think ive lived through the best  years of humanity  to  the peak of civilization for everything for tolerances for freedoms for communication for medicine now its going the other way a bit last couple of years just a little blip maybe im not saying this because im old old people say things like oh everything was better when i was a kid course it was you were a kid everythings better when youre a kid being old is the shit bit whatevers happening being old is i wake up these days and i go oh fuck i didnt die gotta do it all again im usually hung over headache liver pains i cant walk for the first five minutes cause ive got no joints in my knees im getting fat again now right i was thin till i was about  proper skinny like nine and a half stone then i got a job right and the next sort of  years were what i call my eating years and i just got steadily fatter and fatter until i reached a peak of unwellness and blobbiness when i was about  years old there was one christmas i was at home lying on the floor and i was saying to jane im having a heart attack right and honestly my heart rate was like  i felt nauseous i had palpitations i was sweating because id eaten eleven sausages true story right i was like one of them snakes like when you see a big like python swallow a pig whole and then its just fucked its like itll sit there for a week its like a duffel bag just there like that that was me right i wasnt having a heart attack but it worried jane she said you gotta look after yourself i thought youre right  so i started working out right every day i didnt give anything up i dont eat meat anymore but i was having   calories a day including wine every night but i burnt it off the next day just so i could do all that i worked out every day running weight training i had more time on my hands than the average person i had a gym in my house i had no excuse i lost  pounds it was great but now i still eat and drink too much but i physically cant burn off the calories i cant do enough cause im so old and broken and tired so im going to get steadily fatter and fatter again and this time i am going to die im losing my hair its getting really thin i know it looks great from there cheers but no honestly in a lift with that light directly overhead and the mirror it looks like an xray right ill have to buzz that off soon id never wear a wig oh my god if you wear a wig or a toupee and you think youve got away with it you havent everyone knows everyone knows immediately my brain knows a wig has come into the room before i do right i could be at a party itll go theres a wig in here i go is there yes there is yeah spidey senses for the wig its obvious the way they smile like nothings wrong hiya its the telltale signs isnt it i was put off wigs for life by my uncle reginald great bloke hes dead now died a few years ago i was only little he went bald in his twenties tragically bald his hair fell out it might have been something like alopecia but he was bald for ten years into his thirties turns up one day at our house elvis what is– i was about eight i said to auntie edna what happened she went it was a miracle they were lying they were just everyone knew he was bald but hed embroiled his family in the lie so they had to lie as well theyre going yeah it just grew back theres so much he wouldnt do cause he was terrified of the wig coming off we werent allowed balloons at parties right auntie edna said reg is allergic to balloons he wasnt allergic he was terrified one of us kids would rub one on our sweater and his wig would fly across the room weve got photos in the family album if hes at a wedding or a christening and hes holding a baby its always at arms length like that so it cant grab his wig it must have been on his mind all the time right it was the only thing he feared the wig coming off in public and this ridiculous lie being exposed he was in the army hard as nails he wasnt scared of anyone or anything spiders snakes cancer hows the chemo going uncle not a problem weve got a photo of him the last year i think he was  it must have been the last year he was alive it was a hot day he was in the garden in his little trunks he was a wizened little man by then white chest hair jet black wig still died in it buried in it hes wearing it now a little skeleton with jet black hair like posh spice for eternity but i knew that was gonna happen i knew i would get old and fat and ill and blind and deaf and shit myself and be pushed round in a fucking bucket youre ready because youre warned you know about getting old what they dont talk about so youre not prepared and it was a shock to me i only found out recently ill share it with you now the distending testicles see you dont know about it but it happens in your fifties i wasnt checking them or anything i didnt see em for  years as a young man they were pert and now theyre like two plums in a sock i dont know when it happened but it was recently they just and this is how i found out so as ive been getting older and theyve been secretly stretching away as ive got older ive got richer so my baths have been getting more luxurious last year i moved into a new house in hampstead big bath big sunken bath southfacing windows i was in there the first night lovely bath sun streaming in classical music this is the life i looked down and theyre floating right now id never dreamt that testicles would float they seem like theyd be heavy you could tie things down with them and theyd sink you know most people never see their in the sea youre in trunks in the shower they dangle and baths arent usually that deep that was my first thought oh my god i never thought testicles would float then my second thought kicked in hold on this baths two feet deep right im sitting on the bottom theyre on top whats going on right and i looked and my testicles are now longer than my penis easily by some way right in fact theyd created a little fleshy sort of life raft right my penis was dry just nestled just floating on top like that like that just bouncing around i should have given it a little whistle im just thinking this is bizarre fucking hell right and i thought maybe its a fluke so i held them under the water for a minute i let them go and they bobbed up theyre really theyre really buoyant right try it when you get home if youre in your  and a man obviously or caitlyn jenner but but the world is getting worse and i blame the beginning of its demise on social media because twitter and facebook thats where this ridiculous notion bred and became stable that it was more important to be popular than right everything was like me agree with me it falls into two tribes i dont agree with them so i block them and now in this posttruth era people dont care about the argument they say whos saying the argument no theyre not on our side its ludicrous okay and it also bred this ridiculous notion weve always had my opinion is worth as much as yours now its my opinion is worth as much as your fact which is nonsense i get tweets from people saying i believe the earth is  years old i believe youre a fucking idiot you cant have an opinion on the age of the earth you can have opinions but not your own facts but it was all about being popular right and even politicians picked up those symptoms politicians tweet now they want to be popular we had a brexit referendum cause they passed the buck they didnt want to make a mistake and theres a ridiculous thing of lets ask the average person what they think lets stop asking the average person what they do you know how fucking stupid the average person is we still sell bottles of bleach with big labels on that say do not drink right lets take those labels off right for two years and then have a referendum but its not just politicians even real news the news on tv says things like tweet us your news dont let them tweet you the news i saw a tyrannosaurus rex you liar right there was a big news story last year about a train crash that happened a year before and there was an inquiry the results of the inquiry were published and there was an expert on the news he said weve looked at everything and weve decided that the speed of the trains was a contributing factor so were going to slow them down a bit statistically this shouldnt happen again that would have been it but the guy went we asked the public what they thought then there was three banal vox pops first one said i already pay £ a year so im not happy the next one said it takes me  minutes each way its not good enough the last one said i say its better to arrive at work late than dead why is that on the news and when is that applicable in any situation all right ted youre in early ted oh ted weve been through this remember i said id rather you arrive late than dead but the big enemy is stupidity right i wanna share with you the most stupid tweet i ever got now admittedly when i first got on twitter i pushed my agenda i was an outspoken atheist not to change anyones opinions i thought it was important to tell the other side there are still  countries where people are put to death for being an atheist i just wanted to say its fine to be an atheist its fine to believe in god and its fine not to thats all i was saying i realized i didnt have to tweet about religion or atheism i could tweet a fact and that annoyed just the right people id tweet things like happy birthday earth four point six billion years old today someone would always go we know what youre fucking doing this is a tweet i got after one of those and it was all in capitals which excited me thats the sign of twitter madness mixed with anger its great right i looked at his profile sure enough hes a gentleman from texas hes a fundamentalist creationist christian which is fine he loves god he loves god and fetuses mainly he loves the fetus from conception to when it turns out gay and then hes remember its in capitals hes shouting at me best tweet ever your science– my science right science by the way is spelled scients already good isnt it i mean hes obviously heard the word he took a guess never seen it written down because its not in the bible so hes your scients wont help you well it will its helping him beam this little message up to a satellite and down to me your scients wont help you when satan of course he believes in satan why not he believes that god made the universe in six days youre not gonna say to him do you believe in satan and have him say bit farfetched why doesnt god kill satan thats what id ask him if i was wrong and i met god id go oh you do exist hed go yeah id go ive got a few fucking questions mate the first one would be why did you make chocolate kill dogs mental right also if you hate homosexuality so much why did you put the male gspot up the arse what what is wrong with you then id say why dont you kill satan and hed go what id go why dont you kill satan if he does all the bad stuff and you do all the good stuff which you want i mean you do want– yes yeah you could kill him if you wanted you can do anything easy yeah why dont you kill him then because shut up your scients wont help you when satan is raping your british ass and hes got a point because if i die and i find myself in hell being raped by satan science has pretty much let me down but its this last line that he just throws away the line he signs off with makes this the best tweet ive ever received your scients wont help you when satan is raping your british ass ill be laughing so hes there too hes so hes a fundamentalist christian whos lived his life by the old and new testaments he dies he wakes up in hell right which must be off the charts on the scale of emotional trauma oh my god im in hell oh my god why have you forsaken me im gonna be tortured for eternity he sees me getting raped and goes ha ha ha hes suddenly over it is he his days suddenly got a little bit brighter and like hes not next right so im getting raped right by the devil right hes just there you fucking atheist scum and im like that yeah whatever i assume it happens all eternity yeah yeah whatever like that i might say watch your hooves on my testicles and hed go why are they so distended and i go oh like youre brad pitt you know what i mean sorry are we talking or raping can we you lying fucking atheist hes probably bored fucking atheists every fucking day right his little gargoyle comes up satan he goes what and i go yeah what he goes theres a fundamentalist christian fuck this hed be on him like a ton of bricks so i got that tweet i loved it all i did was retweet right and just watch the fun people piling on going ah loser and hes fighting back really witlessly saying things like go fuck your sister you english faggot that makes no sense at all i forgot about it went and did something else few hours later on twitter again its still all going off right its really funny im laughing at all the replies people saying things to him im scrolling down theres one tweet directly to me from this woman she says you find rape funny no no what no your mates find rape funny no listen right you find rape funny listen everyone listen right no i said to her i didnt tweet that she went you retweeted it to show hes an idiot but you must find it funny or amusing its not a frivolous thing i said no well its up to him isnt it he can do it now im arguing with quite a nice sane person who thinks this is mental but im fighting for his right to fantasize about me being raped by the devil because im so conscious of freedom of speech what a topsyturvy world right although her opening gambit annoyed me a bit because she did that thing that people do she didnt say what you find jokes about rape funny she said what you find rape funny the answer to that is no of course not no one finds rape funny not even rapists find rape funny know what i mean noone ever gives evidence saying it was dark he wore a ski mask and he was giggling thats never so i sent back you mean jokes about rape she said yes i went depends on the joke it fucking doesnt im going no it does it does it depends on the joke its about context its about content what do you mean by a rape joke she said even a joke with the word rape in it is unacceptable i said thats ridiculous it depends what the joke is i tweeted that clip of me in the office going i think theres been a rape up there everyone gets that because of the context and the target is a middleaged man whos so narcissistic hell say anything to win a silly game you have to understand the joke and where it comes from i said some jokes dont punch up or down they dont punch anywhere they can just be a pun a play on words that dont really mean anything a joke went round when i was a kid even adults told it ill tell you a woman goes running into a police station she says help ive been graped the policeman says do you mean raped she says no there was a bunch of them that is a rape joke right so and i even said to her no i agree in most cases yeah real rape jokes they are fucking horrible when the victim is the target disgusting id never tell those but it depends on the joke not the word or the subject i calmed it down and they agreed some jokes are worse than others she ended it by saying well okay i see your point but still i will laugh at a joke with the word rape in it when noone in the audience has been raped i should have left it i just sent back what a weird door policy you turn up to a comedy gig pay your money someone says can i just ask you a question yeah have you ever been raped i have yes you cant come in what why a lady says she wont laugh if youre in off you go thats what the world is like people take everything personally they think the world revolves around them particularly on twitter im not tweeting anyone im just tweeting i dont know whos following me ive got  million followers they can be following me without me knowing choose to read my tweet and then take that personally thats like going into a town square seeing a big noticeboard saying guitar lessons and you go but i dont fucking want guitar lessons whats this theres a number here right call that are you giving guitar lessons i dont fucking want any fine its not for you then just walk away dont worry about iti should say one thing in twitters defense i use it as a marketing tool and for fun like everyone else but one great thing about twitter for me personally im very into anti animal cruelty years ago it would take ages to get  signatures on a petition standing outside tescos or something thats the magic number because then it gets heard in parliament ive been part of many campaigns through twitter when weve got  signatures in days and the law has been changed thank you to those whove retweeted about animal cruelty it makes a difference thank you but even something as clear and distinct as animal cruelty you think no ones gonna argue with that yes they will they just wanna be heard ill tweet something about a bull being tortured in a bullring for entertainment i say ban bullfighting someone always says what about the kids in syria what well im not giving you a choice you can do both im not saying throw that kid back in the hole theres a bull here and theres one thing that i didnt want in my head but it exists so we have to deal with it now that i found out through twitter theres a thing called the yulin dog meat festival in china every year and its horrendous and we send people with money to buy the dogs to bring them back its a drop in the ocean they eat thousands over this weekend i tweet the details the petition people dont really read it its a kneejerk people say racist i go what they go we eat pigs and cows in the west yep we do i dont but yeah i used to youre right a pig or a cow is worth as much as a dog its not about the species its what they do to these poor dogs what they do is torture the dogs first cause they think it makes the meat taste better they beat them they blowtorch them they even skin them alive and i saw this picture on twitter of the opening of this ceremony these two guys in this chinese square and theyre skinning this dog alive its screaming theyre laughing its the worst thing ive ever seen i thought ive got to tweet that i tweeted the picture with a petition and i just said one beautiful creature and two ugly cunts skinning it alive right and it took off loads of retweets it made the press i got one tweet back from a woman that said is that language necessary i should have left it right but i was i was incensed i said youre more offended by a word than by an animal being tortured to death she said i just hate the cword i definitely should have left it i sent back people who hate the cword would hear it a lot less if they didnt go round acting like such cunts thank you youve been fantastic good night cheers thank you so much thank you so much i hope you enjoyed the show i hope noone was offended no i really do thats not the point ive always wanted people to know they can laugh at bad things without being bad people i think its my upbringing i grew up in poverty with nothing but the point was to pay your way then have a laugh that was the men the women carried on working it was my older brother bob it was him who i first saw making these dark jokes right in the bad situation as things were happening people were laughing i realized hes healing them thats what comedys for what humors for it gets us over bad stuff right typical bob story he once spent an hour in the pound shop in hayling island just asking the cashier how much everything was just to see if he could break this poor mans will bob was the first person i saw answer back to authority the first authority you come across are your parents and hed get in trouble he got sent to bed but i thought hed won the argument and hed tease my mum my mum was a typical workingclass woman as i say we lived in a shitty area right and most of the houses looked like a bit of mud and a stolen bike and fence posts missing she mended the fence turfed the garden herself painted the step she thought if it looked respectable wed be respectable it was about reputation i guess bob would send her postcards that just read is that pedophile postman still reading your mail and shed take it shed go in and shed be horrified shed call bob he saw it this time you must stop doing that even at her funeral my mum died first and my dad carried on for a year or so just drinking beer then he went at mums funeral we had different duties i did catering and flowers bob went to see the local vicar that was a mistake right wed never been to church he didnt know us we didnt know him so he said to bob tell me about your mum so i can say a few words bob saw that as an opportunity right so bob with a straight face said well she was a keen racist the vicar went i cant say that bob said okay put she liked gardening he was trying to get the vicar to say something to make us laugh in church he didnt warn us and he did get something by the vicar so were called ricky robert– bob– ricky robert marsha and larry now larry is the oldest in his seventies born in the war i always thought he was the sensible one first born weight of the world on his shoulders my mum said when he was a teenager he got a job and gave her the money to help out hes a standup guy larry so bob gives the vicar the wrong name didnt warn us were all in church start of the funeral were all there packed out the coffin comes down guided by the vicar the vicar goes to his pulpit all confident with his little notes right and he goes eva leaves behind four loving children ricky robert marsha and barry and we snort like that right bobs going everyone realizes were all laughing we see larry go all right and the church is like every time we thought of it wed see larry go like that right then wed just start giggling just fits of fucking giggles right larry eventually started doing this and the vicars thinking what have i said right hed put in a few things the vicar didnt know that set us off again things that were just lies or slightly wrong my nieces and nephews started crying id come prepared with a pack of tissues theyd take one and hand it on before the funeral id taken the tissues out written on them folded them back and put them in and each tissue said snivelling fucking bitch and theyre sort of laughing so it was like a madhouse right everything the vicar said or did we all started fucking laughing right and you could see the vicar was visibly shook a little bit he ended the funeral and he made a beeline for me and bob he said sorry was that okay me and bob went fucking brilliant mate it was fucking brilliant thats what i mean were all gonna die so we should have a laugh if you can laugh in the face of adversity youre bulletproof me and my brother bob had one simple rule and that was if you think of something funny youve got to say it win lose or draw it might go well it might go badly but youve gotta say it and bear that in mind as i leave you with this right so were all in the car one day bobs driving packed in this car a little day trip to the beach we get stopped for a security check and theres a british bobby there and he stops the car bobs at the window he said where are we off to bob went bognor he went can you just pop the boot please so he looks at that looks in the boot like that back to bobs window gets that mirror on a stick thing and he starts just looking under the car and as he does that his helmet falls off right and out of the helmet falls a packet of  cigarettes and the copper went bet you always wondered what we kept under our helmets and bob went i knew it wasnt fucking brains youve been amazing good night�et�ba��]�h
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