Pig Out
The "voting" will continue until 9
p.m., but the early results of the Ames straw poll are already in. Today, nine
Republican candidates threw huge parties in tents pitched around the Iowa State
University basketball stadium. They competed on food, music, and celebrity
guests. Here are the rankings in order.
1. George W. Bush
Overall
atmosphere : Texas barn dance--minus the
beer.
Food : 2 1/2 stars. Dave's
World Famous BBQ sandwiches good though a bit salty. Best coleslaw.
Music : 4 stars. Linda
Davis, a sultry country singer and the grunge-country band The Nadas rocked
out.
Celebrities : 3 stars.
Roger Staubach, Sean Elliott of the San Antonio Spurs and assorted other
jocks.
Bonus : 2 stars.
A motorcycle club led by Ben Nighthorse Campbell crashes the chow line.
2. Pat
Buchanan
Overall
atmosphere : Oktoberfest, Munich 1934.
Food : 4 stars. Maurice's
BBQ by far the best of the day. Also husk-roasted sweet corn dipped in
butter.
Entertainment : 2 stars.
The Heartbeats, a decent R&B cover band in cowboy hats.
Celebrities : 1/2 star.
Just Pat autographing anything presented to him.
Bonus : 2 stars. Teamsters
arrive in tractor-trailers, honking feroiciously.
3. Lamar
Alexander
Overall
atmosphere : Grand Ol' Opry.
Food : 2 stars. Pulled pork
on a roll is overcooked and a little dry. Baby back ribs are better.
Music : 3 Stars. Country
singer Crystal Gayle proves a major draw.
Celebrities : Johnny
Majors, the football coach.
Bonus : 2 stars. Miss Iowa
autographs pictures for awestruck teen-age boys.
4. Orrin
Hatch
Overall
tone : Mormon school picnic.
Food : 3 stars. Tasty fried
chicken in addition to ordinary BBQ ribs. Berry cobbler for dessert.
Music : 3 stars. The
legendary Vic Damone.
Celebrities : 2 stars. Utah
Jazz power forward Karl Malone.
5. Steve
Forbes
Overall
tone : Richie Rich's 12th
birthday.
Food : 2 stars. More pulled
pork sandwiches.
Music : 1 star. Debby Boone
singing "You Light Up My Life."
Celebrities : Zero.
Armstrong Williams, Paul Weyrich, and Rep. Bob Barr. You call these
celebrities ?
Bonus : 4 stars. Moonwalk,
air slide, clowns on stilts, and face painting. Plus an air-conditioned
tent.
6. Elizabeth
Dole
Overall
tone : Take Our Daughters to Work Day.
Food : 2 1/2 stars. Better
than it looked sliced pork BBQ. Ketchuplike sauce. Root beer floats.
Music : 1 star. Prairie
Cats, a lame swing band.
Celebrities : 1/2 star. Bob
Dole.
Bonus : 1/2 star. A Model-T Ford painted Liddy
Yellow.
7. Dan Quayle
Overall
tone : Fraternal Order of Elks picnic.
Food: 1 1/2 stars. Sliced pork BBQ with
too-sweet potato salad. Chocolate milk to drink--yuck.
Music : 1 star. Truly awful
Andews-Sisters type imitators.
Celebrities : Nope.
8. Gary Bauer
Overall
tone :
The 700 Club .
Food : N/A. I couldn't look
at another pulled pork sandwich.
Music : 1/2 star. The
Christian rock band 4 Him. "The Him is Jesus," a Bauer supporter helpfully
explained.
Celebrities : None
spotted.
9. Alan Keyes
Overall
tone : Tent revival meeting.
Food : 1/2 star. Vanilla
ice cream and Hershey's chocolate syrup.
Music : 1/2 star. An
out-of-tune brass band.
Celebrities : Ambassador
Alan Keyes.
