Weapons of Mass Destruction Ain't Rocket Science
Dear Merrill--
OK, I bought new copies of the papers, and I'm wearing the right pants.
Here's a headline from the Times again: "U.S. Thinks Iraq Is Rebuilding
Ruined Military Sites." As we used to say in the third grade, back when I was
wearing Keds for Kids and a Star Wars T-shirt and sobbing on the
playground because the other kids were all pelting me with dodge balls, "well,
ah- doy... " Since when has the military dictatorship there done anything
else? I mean, that's literally all they do, they've got all their eggs in one
basket, so to speak. Amass weapons, subjugate the populace into obeisance with
weapons, and when somebody comes along and blows up his weapons, well, one just
has to keep one's chin up, look on the bright side, and start over again from
the top. Get right back on the old horse there, champ, and keep at it. Hussein
decided long ago to sort of put the various other subtle, more nuanced aspects
of running a country on the back burner, if you will, and just kind of focus on
one specific area of approach. Do what you're good at (kind of like the way the
Markoe family dogs focus their energies on eating food). And why is he so good
at it? Because, like many evil dictators, he learned from the absolute best:
los Federales de Los Estados Unidos, as the good ol' boys in the expertly
trained death squads of Central America like to affectionately call them.
Again, hardly a brilliant observation on my part, but then again, how smart do
you really need to be to get the general gist of this sort of thing? After all,
this is chemical weapons of mass destruction, not rocket science.
Of course gay weddings should be legal. After all, gay luxury tropical
cruises are, and although I've never experienced either of the two, luxury
tropical cruises must be at least as difficult to endure as the institution of
marriage is. Lesbians in particular, from what I've observed, seem to have a
particular knack for it (staying married, I mean, not enduring ocean-liner
dream vacations). And of course Moesha was taking diuretics. I may live in
Wisconsin, but that much was obvious immediately, hence my anecdote about how
she was worried that she wasn't pretty enough. News flash to Moesha: There may
be many things that you are not, but pretty isn't one of them. So stop taking
the diet pills. I want to propose something (all the people freaking out about
gay marriage in the "Fray" section should particularly consider redirecting
your energies into this one): Let's start a national e-mailing campaign,
spearheaded by
Slate
, into letting Moesha know that, yes, she is
indeed pretty enough. Here's a suggested sample wording:
Dear Moesha--
I think you are pretty. So does everybody else. In fact, you are an
internationally famous Pretty-Person. Some people may not like your show, or
your singing, or your psycho-murderer horror movie, but nobody, anywhere in the
whole world, doesn't think you are pretty. Therefore, please never think that
you aren't pretty enough ever again.
Sincerely,
(your name).
P.S.: I loved the episode wear you learned the important lesson about not
being afraid to wear glasses.
What do you say? Think we can get Gates to bankroll this? It's for a good
cause, and he needs some good P.R. right now.
Love,
Todd
