They Got Game
Prudie,
I'm beginning to think that it's my role in life to cheer you up. Because
I'm stuck covering these guys for the next year, I have to take a much rosier
view. Otherwise, I'd be a miserable kvetch. And I genuinely think that each of
the top four presidential contenders (Bradley, McCain, Bush, Gore) possesses
interesting attributes. Neither Gore nor Bradley may be dynamic campaigners,
but they're solid, serious wonks. They have a history of putting important
issues on the map--Bradley took on tax reform and the Soviet Union; Gore has
the environment, technology, etc. Both have bucked the party line on big
issues. Meanwhile, Bush and McCain are tinkering with conservatism in an
interesting fashion. They have little patience for libertarians, and they have
a relatively expansive role for the federal government in their policies. To
listen to Bush talk about compassionate conservatism is to realize that
Republicans may have learned something from Newt Gingrich's disastrous reign as
party leader. Look at the way that Republicans are talking about education this
year. During the Newt era, Republicans objected to all forms of national
education testing and standards. They would spout ridiculous hyperbole about
the "educrats." Anything the Department of Education touches, they would
scream, will turn to liberal shit. It hurt your ears to hear their screeds. Now
Bush has a plan that includes national standards and tests. You can dispute his
plan on the merits, but it's innovative.
There's a front-pager in the Washington Post on the "eye chip," a
nifty little innovation that could cure blindness. Somehow, it involves a
camera mounted on a pair of glasses that transmits signals to the brain. Pretty
damn cool. That means it's not a far stretch to imagine that someday soon
sports junkies will be able to have ESPN transmitted straight to their brains.
Speaking of vision, I am giving some thought to laser eye surgery. The question
has provoked quite an identity crisis. My specs have defined me since age 6. I
am Frankie "Coke Bottle Lens" Foer. I would appreciate a little Prudie input
into my decision.
Finally, I'd like to get mushy and pay homage to a childhood hero--Charles
Barkley, the great power forward who retired from basketball last night. The
"Round Mound of Rebound" used to obnoxiously proclaim, "I am not a role model."
But he was. All of us short cagers with potbellies placed him on a pedestal.
Though a mere six feet five, Barkley would routinely battle men five inches
taller--and win. He would win based on intellect--an acute understanding of the
physics of the game--and hustle. Many people despised Barkely for his big mouth
and poor manners. He would routinely flick the bird to fans and brawl. Just
last month, he tried to land a punch on Shaq's head. But he charmingly admitted
to being a jerk. And he could be as sentimental and schmaltzy as a Neil Simon
play. In other words, he was a jerk with a big heart and an awesome game.
Massa "Who's Your Massa?" Honey
