America's Bitchiest Debates
Hmmm. I see a way to kill two birds with one stone here. UPN recently,
imprudently, trimmed the word "McNasty" from the title of Shasta
McNasty , rendering it a naked Shasta . Here's a way for them to boost
their ratings, repair their grievous show-naming error, and still save face:
"Gore/Bradley McNasty Smackdown!" I'd watch.
Actually, your point about the taunting in presidential debates brings up an
interesting point: There have never been any presidential candidates possessed
of great wit. Or even medium wit. Even the best moments from presidential
debates, like Reagan's "I paid for this microphone," were transparently
scripted well in advance. More often, the candidates throw around canned
insults that were a) written by ghostwriters; and (b) aren't very good. The
best example of this that comes to mind is the clumsy taunt aimed at Dukakis:
"Governor, that answer was about as clear as Boston Harbor." Ooooooh. The
closest we've come to a great moment of unpremeditated nastiness during a
debate was Lloyd Bentsen's "You're no Jack Kennedy" line, and that has at least
three caveats: First, it was during a vice-presidential debate. Second, I'm
guessing that it probably was scripted well in advance, but at least Bentsen
had the ability to make it appear off-the-cuff. And finally, it was used on
Quayle, which is sort of like using a sledgehammer on a drugged baby seal.
I know that there are those who say politics have become too nasty and
personalized, that debates should be thoughtful discussions of policy issues.
And, ideally, I suppose that would be the case. But it isn't. Instead, what we
tend to get are safe, silly bromides--"I believe America's best days are ahead
of us," the candidates say, waiting for their opponents to jump up and scream,
"Liar!"--mixed in with ad hominem attacks. So, these being the state of
affairs, couldn't the debates at least be amusing? Couldn't we get some ace
script doctors in there to write bitchy, scathing lines for our candidates? Are
Elaine May and Paul Rudnick really too busy to come up with bon mots for John
McCain?
George Bush: "... and finally, I'd support a massive tax cut for the middle
class, enabling us to continue our proud tradition of freedom in this great
country of ours."
John McCain: "I heartily endorse Governor Bush's proposals. They make a
great deal of sense. (Beat.) If you've been smoking crack, that is. You
haven't, have you George? Lately, I mean? Now, George, I know you probably
weren't paying much attention in college--that was, after all, during your
reckless youth, which lasted until you were, what, 40?--but a basic rule of
economics is that you can't spend what you don't have. Or, to put this in terms
you'll understand, you've got a $5 bill, and you're trying to buy a dime bag.
Are you following me now? Nod your head yes if you understand me. Good
boy."
Admit it. You'd be appalled for the country, but you wouldn't be able to
take your eyes off the set.
In other news, the New York Post 's "Page Six" reports that a movie
produced by Roger Corman titled Fire in the Amazon has received an NC-
17 for a nude scene featuring Sandra Bullock and Craig Sheffer. American
Psycho has also received an NC-17, also for a nude scene. Two thoughts:
First, when is the MPAA going to begin charging distribution companies extra
for handing out NC-17s? They are, after all, the single surest way for a movie
to get reams of advance publicity, and yet the MPAA doesn't make a dime off
them. The cost of taking out an ad proclaiming, "We've got Sandra Bullock in a
nude scene!"? Hundreds of thousands. The cost of having the MPAA announce it?
Practically nil. Seems to me there should be some way for Jack Valenti to make
some change off of this.
The second question is, of course, what Sandra Bullock is doing in a Roger
Corman movie. I'm worried about her. Speed 2 , Hope Floats ,
Forces of Nature . Now this. Should one of us call her, make sure she's
OK?
Tim
