Since Diana
The headline in the
Globe reads, "Sharon Stone Cellulite Shocker." The photo--an enlarged
patch of thigh--is highlighted with a circle and an arrow, a graphic like one
the New York Times might use to indicate the Bosnian village where a
massacre took place. Together, headline and image signal that the tabloids
finally have returned to form.
Yes, the
Diana hagiography continues. Last week, the Star did a story on "The
Real Princess Di," with such unlikely revelations as the alleged fact that she
did her own ironing and joined the help in washing dishes. The article also
stated, "In an age when so many celebrities put on one image in public and hide
an ugly, private side, Diana was just who she was, wherever she went." Of
course, a chance to look at that ugly, private side is the reason readers pick
up the tabs in the first place. So it was comforting this week to be told by
the Star that Melanie Griffith's bee-stung lips "appear to be the result
of collagen overload," and by the Globe that Shaquille O'Neal supposedly
just had breast-reduction surgery.
Both the Star and the National
Enquirer proffered written manifestoes denying that publications such as
theirs were responsible for Diana's death, or even for harassing celebrities in
general. The Enquirer , which is staking out the strategically
questionable territory of the tabloid with taste, explains that many
celebrities "ask us to interview them and take their pictures." However, other
celebrities "are furious because they can't stop us from telling the truth,
even with their powerful publicity machines." The statement ends on a
constitutional note: "You live in America. You have a right to buy The
Enquirer ."
But for a few weeks, the
Enquirer seemed to lose its way. There was a strange, celebrity-thin
issue, full of stories such as one about a nurse who was fired for trying to
perform CPR on a dying baby chimp; and another about a ring, lost for 22 years,
that was found embedded in a potato. And then there was this shocking headline
last month: "JonBenet Top Cop: Mom and Dad Are Innocent." Could it be that,
after almost a year of relentless accusations against John and Patsy Ramsey,
the Enquirer was having second thoughts? No, as it turned out. The
article alleged that the retired detective brought in to work on the case was
not admired by the other cops. And this week, the story was back on track with
"Mommy and Daddy to Be Arrested by Christmas--Cops Convinced."
"Viewers
are tired of Fran Drescher," the Enquirer reveals pluckily this week.
Their target--the star of the sitcom The
Nanny and one of the
tabs' noisier critics--has "turned off too many viewers, especially with her
complaints about the tough lives of super-rich celebs." The Enquirer
predicts her show will be canceled. On the other hand, do we detect a defensive
note in a story about singer Merle Haggard, which finds it necessary to explain
why the Enquirer had chosen this moment to portray Haggard as a
bad husband and father? Haggard's son, Marty, is speaking out, the article
explains, because "his famous father is working on a biographical feature film
that Marty says will be an outrageous whitewash of the truth."
The Star has maintained a more
pugilistic pose since Diana's death. It, too, has attacked celebrities who
attacked it: "George Clueless--sorry, Clooney--used to beg us to run stories on
him ... when he was a struggling nobody appearing in such schlocky movies as
Return of the Killer Tomatoes! " The Star rewards celebrities who
understand its rules. Sylvester Stallone even signed up for an endorsement:
"Like all artists, I love the art of communication and I fully support the
freedom of the press," he says. "I love Star ." The caption on a photo of
a pregnant and smiling Heather Locklear reads, "She's one celebrity who really
knows how to act like a star as she happily smiles for our photographer." Hint,
hint.
The
Star also has taken to congratulating itself for the people it gets to
speak willingly. On a recent cover, the logo "Look Who's Talking to
Star " appeared over stories about singer Mariah Carey and the Duchess of
York. And what talk! Mariah Carey tells all about Camp Mariah, her camp for
inner-city children. Of her life she says, "It's all about my career--and those
great kids at camp." Fergie, meanwhile, both mourns her late sister-in-law and
touts her Weight Watchers holiday diet. "For the first time in my life, I've
found a way of eating that works."
Offering no self-justification is the Globe --which
earlier this year helped arrange the one-afternoon stand that's turned into a
cottage industry: the one between surgically enhanced former flight attendant
Suzen Johnson and football commentator Frank Gifford, perhaps now better known
as the cheating husband of talk-show host Kathie Lee. During the Diana mourning
period, the Globe went supernatural with this exclusive: "Princess
smiles down from Heaven on her Brave Boys." But it returned to Earth last week,
interviewing an unnamed psychiatrist who had treated Dodi Fayed. The shrink's
diagnosis: Fayed suffered from something called Borderline Personality
Disorder. "When I first heard Di was dating my former patient, I wanted to
phone Kensington Palace and scream: 'Run, Di, run.' "
In the
weeks following Diana's death, it appeared that even the Globe was
trying to find the pretty side of things. Take this October story on the
volatile marriage of John F. Kennedy Jr. and his wife, Carolyn. "Let's Start
Over!" read the headline on an account of how the "battling lovebirds" were
"vowing to put passion and togetherness back in their marriage." The logical
outcome, said the story, was "an heir for Camelot." But all that togetherness
was apparently a mistake, judging from this week's Globe headline, "JFK
Jr: I married the wrong woman." The Globe has him telling a friend,
"Some nights I wake up shuddering and bathed in sweat."
The differences among the three publications
are probably best illustrated by their varying explanations for the mysterious
cast that recently appeared on JFK Jr.'s arm. According to the Enquirer ,
the editor of George slammed down his hand during an argument with a
staffer and broke a bone. The Star 's version is that he injured his hand
while kayaking. Leave it to the Globe to conclude, "JFK Jr, Slashed!
Emergency surgery after wild brawl with Carolyn--say sources."
This week, all three have
cover stories about plastic surgeon to the stars Dr. Steven Hoefflin (the man
who takes credit for Michael Jackson's nose) and whether he exposed and
discussed the genitals of his celebrity patients while they were under
anesthesia. It's a natural story for the tabloids, but it caught them all with
their pants down when it first appeared in a long, entertaining piece in the
Washington
Post .
