Rumble in Hollywood
Me, I'm a Seagal man. Don't
tell me about Van Damme's fancy kicks--Van Damme's a ballet dancer, a girl!
Here's how the fight goes: Van Damme simpers around the ring like Baryshnikov
for a few minutes. Finally, he throws a kick at Seagal's head. Seagal snatches
the foot out of the air, twists Van Damme's leg 180 degrees, and tears
half-a-dozen knee ligaments from the bone. End of story. Van Damme is Van
Damaged. He hops around the ring, begging for mercy. Seagal pounds his pretty
face into a mushy pulp--just for fun. Seagal vs. Jackie Chan? Forget about it.
Seagal's 6 feet 4 inches and full of muscle: He'd snap Chan like a twig.
My friend Jonah disagrees.
He takes the Terminator, all the way. Once Schwarzenegger wraps his Mr.
Universe arms around Seagal, it's over. Seagal can juke and wiggle and shout
Japanese aphorisms till he's hoarse, but it won't matter. Arnold will smash his
head into the ground, then yank Steve's ponytail till he wails like a baby. Or
so Jonah says.
Jonah and
I should settle our dispute in an alley. But he wouldn't know a spinning
back-kick if it hit him in the ribs. And I haven't fought since Lars Gutenberg
TKO'd me in a sixth-grade playground brawl. But we need to resolve this. It's
time to answer, once and for all, the most important unanswered question in
cinema: Who is really the greatest action hero of them all? Or, to put
it in the vernacular, which actor could kick everyone else's ass?
The Hollywood
Rumble
The
Competitors (in no particular order):
Jean-Claude Van Damme (the "Muscles from Brussels"); Jackie Chan ;
Arnold Schwarzenegger ; Sylvester Stallone ; Dolph "Drago"
Lundgren (Stallone's opponent in Rocky IV ); Chuck Norris ;
David Carradine (for sentiment's sake); Steven Seagal ; Wesley
Snipes ; and, because this is fantasy, Bruce Lee himself.
The
Judges:
The
likelihood that Arnold et al. will actually climb into a ring and do battle is
only slightly greater than the likelihood that Bruce Lee will rise from the
grave to join them. Therefore, Slate has secured the services of a panel of
experts to predict how the tournament would unfold. The all-star judges include
a two-time Ultimate Fighting champ, black-belt martial artists, a U.S. Army
Ranger, a fight trainer, a legendary street brawler, and Jackie Chan himself.
For a complete list and bios, .
The
Rules:
None. Who
needs 'em? This is real fighting. Two men. One ring. A fight to submission,
knockout, or--hey, why not?--death. Just like the .
The
Prelims:
First, let's get rid of the
early-round losers.
10. Kung Fu star
David Carradine is dead last, and he might die getting there. "He's kind of
lost it," says Black Belt editor Jim Coleman. Put it this way: Lundgren
kickboxes; Carradine studies tai chi--those slow-motion exercises that old
people do in the park.
9. Stallone. Rocky also
falls in Round One. He's beefy, and he learned to box for the Rocky
movies, but that's not enough. Norris, says trainer Tony Blauer, would have
Stallone "down on the ground, making convulsing pig sounds."
8. Snipes. He's big, and he
studied martial arts for 10 years. Those who've seen him practice say he's
tough. That experience gets him past Stallone, but no further.
7. Van Damme. Not as good as
he looks. The Muscles from Brussels is fabulous on screen. He claims to be a
karate champion, but the judges doubt his credentials. "He's a ballet dancer,
not a fighter," says Ultimate Fighting champ Ken Shamrock. "In a real fight,
he'd probably panic," says fight historian Eric Perret. "He'd be lucky if he
got one kick off before a real fighter took him down and had him for
lunch."
6. Chan. I adore Chan. Some
of the judges do, too. "Chan does stuff that professional stuntmen won't do,"
says Blauer. "He's crazy, and you don't want to fight someone who has fun being
crazy." Chan, more acrobat than martial artist, is quicker and more innovative
than anyone but Lee. If the fighters could use props--pool cues, ladders,
chairs--Chan would win the whole tournament. But at 5 feet 10 inches and 150
pounds, he's too small to fight barehanded in a ring against monsters like
Schwarzenegger and Lundgren. Chan admits this, cheerfully. "If I can use
tricks, I have many ways to win. But if I am standing there [in a ring], there
is no way I can win ... But I could run away fast."
5.
Norris. The sentimental favorite. Twenty years ago, Norris would have topped
this list. He is the real deal, America's greatest karate champion during the
1960s. "Norris has pure technical ability and savvy," says U.S. Army Ranger
Maj. Lucas. But Norris is 55--"past his prime," says Blauer. "He should do
color commentary for the fight."
The
Semifinals:
Schwarzenegger vs.
Lundgren; Seagal vs. Lee
Aryan Warriors Lundgren and
Schwarzenegger fight first. This one's a tough call, because opinion is divided
about Arnold. The purists mock him: "There are huge, muscle-bound guys all over
Venice Beach who don't know what to do when they get into fights. Arnold's
probably one of them," says a judge. But other judges drool. "He has enough
strength to cripple you. If Arnold goes in there and says, 'I have to win for
my box of cigars, and Maria and the kids and the $100 million for my next
picture,' then he could beat anyone," says Blauer.
But Schwarzenegger won't beat
Lundgren. The Swede doesn't have Arnold's acting range--Dolph is strictly a
vicious-murderers kind of guy--but he's a better athlete. He is an expert in
kickboxing and karate, and he's huge--6 feet 6 inches, around 230 pounds. He
would stay away from Schwarzenegger and fire long, cruel kicks at his jaw. If
Arnold charged him, Dolph could feint and punch him away. Eventually, Arnold
would tire, and Dolph would kick him into submission.
Seagal and Lee fight second.
Seagal is an enigma. On the one hand, he's got the credentials. He's an aikido
black belt who once ran a dojo in Japan (no mean feat for an Occidental). He's
also large, powerful, and notoriously belligerent. "He has the will to kill,"
says Coleman. "That is not the kind of guy you want to be in a fight with."
But doubt lingers. Seagal's a
braggart; most great fighters are quietly arrogant. He has the mannerisms of a
bully, someone who abuses the weak and is cowed by the strong. "I don't think
he has the heart or stomach for a real fight--it might mess his hair up," says
Perret. Another handicap: Aikido is too stylized for a real showdown. Blauer
says, "It's a wonderful movie system, but you have to be fighting a very sloppy
opponent to make it work."
And Lee would not be a
sloppy opponent. The Jesus Christ, Elvis, and Abraham Lincoln of martial arts,
Lee would be a flea next to Seagal at 5 feet 7 inches and 130 lbs. But he was
immensely strong. He trained more fanatically than anyone in the history of
martial arts, mastering grappling, boxing, karate, kickboxing, footfighting,
and other styles. Unlike the other actors, Lee loved to fight, instigating
street fracases as a teen-ager in Hong Kong. And he was ruthless: He would as
soon break an opponent's arm as let him submit.
The
Seagal/Lee fight would be quick and bloody. Lee would circle Seagal. Once he
found an opening, he would aim lightning-fast kicks to Seagal's groin or knees.
One blow would land, laming Seagal. The finish would be nauseating: Lee might
cripple Seagal by kicking him in the throat or gouging out an eye. Seagal's
only hope: his size. If he managed to grab Lee, he might be able to pin him,
then punch him unconscious.
The
Final:
Lundgren vs. Lee
Probably
much like the Seagal/Lee fight. Lee would dance and feint, tempting Lundgren
into kicks. When Lundgren struck, Lee would duck the blow, counterattack with a
fast low kick, and retreat. Lundgren's chance? If he landed a kick or two, it
might stun Lee momentarily. If Dolph were quick enough, he could then pull
Bruce to the ground and pin him into submission. But that's not likely.
Probably Lee's barrage of kicks would stagger and tire Lundgren. When Dolph
weakened enough, Bruce would break his knee and win the tournament.
The Reality
Check:
In closing, however, let me
introduce you to David "Tank" Abbott. Tank is probably the most vicious
professional fighter in America. He stands 6 feet tall, weighs 275 pounds, and
bench-presses more than 600 pounds. In 10 Ultimate Fighting Championship bouts,
he has sent six opponents to the hospital. I asked him how the best fighting
actors would fare against him. He laughed awhile. Then he said: "OK. Seagal--I
would knock Seagal out in 30 seconds. I would just jack him up--straight-arm
street fighting. There was a big martial-arts guy I fought in the last UFC. He
was like Seagal. He lasted about 20 or 30 seconds. People thought I killed him.
That's what would happen to Seagal.
"Lundgren--I would slam him
to the mat and beat him up on the ground. Lundgren's a big guy, right? But I
don't think he's wrestled for 21 years or boxed for six or been in more than
250 street fights or been arrested 12 times for assault and battery and
attempted murder. Which I have.
"And Lee. I could beat Bruce
Lee drunk off a liter of Stoli. I could backhand him and knock him out. That's
just comical."
