ASK
PRUDENCE
Beginning this week, Prudence, drawing on her rich experience of life, will
answer questions submitted by readers. She will respond to questions about
manners, personal relations, politics, economics, and other subjects. Questions
should be sent to [email protected]. They should not exceed 200 words in length.
Please indicate how you wish your letter to be signed, preferably including
your location.
Dear
Prudence,
In the past, when
escorting a young woman to my automobile after, say, coming out of a
restaurant, I would unlock the passenger-side door for her first before walking
around to the driver's side. On modern cars with power locks, however,
unlocking the driver's-side door automatically unlocks all other doors. This
innovation makes first unlocking her door a superfluous and illogical
gesture.
Where
do you come down on this question of chivalry vs. logic? Is it insulting to
unlock her door first when we both know it's unnecessary?
Sincerely,
Lovelocked
Dear
Lovelocked,
There is no conflict here
between chivalry and logic. Chivalry requires not only that you unlock the door
but also that you open the door for her, hold her arm to help her enter, see
that the edge of her skirt has been removed from the door frame, and then close
the door. Helping her enter can also be the occasion for sweetly kissing her on
the cheek. Modern gadgets will not do all that, and real men don't want them
to. Something has to be left for the men to do.
Anyway,
the idea of a conflict between chivalry and logic is mistaken. Chivalrous
gestures, even though not utilitarian at one level, have a utilitarian logic at
another level. Chivalrous gestures are a means of communication, and that is
useful. When you hold the door for the girl, even though she is quite capable
of doing it for herself, you are communicating the fact that you care about her
and want to be her helper. Unless you are a great poet, it may be the best way
you have of communicating those sentiments to her. Which gestures communicate
what changes over time, as does other language. In my time, at least, holding
the door communicated respect or affection or some other favorable
emotion--depending on the personalities involved. What holding the door for
your girlfriend communicates is different from what holding it for your
mother-in-law does.
--Prudence
Dear
Prudence,
Ever
since Seymour Hersh's book came out detailing the raw side of Jack Kennedy and
the dark side of Camelot, I've been wondering what JFK did in today's context
that warrants an eternal flame at Arlington National Cemetery. While there are
few precedents anywhere in the world for eternal flames to honor individuals,
there are even fewer precedents for turning them off once ignited. I don't
suppose many would argue that JFK has greater stature than Washington or
Lincoln, so isn't it a little silly to honor JFK in so unique a fashion? What,
if anything, can be done that doesn't come across as overtly partisan or
anti-Kennedy?
--Troubled in
Arlington
Dear
Troubled in Arlington,
To snuff out the JFK flame at
Arlington National Cemetery would be more trouble than it is worth. What is
important is the flame of admiration and affection for JFK that burns in the
hearts of many Americans. When that flame burns out, as I think it soon will,
the flame in the cemetery will not matter. No one will go to it except to roast
marshmallows.
People flock to the Lincoln
Memorial because they revere Lincoln as a man who rose from humble origins to
become president of the United States, save the Union, free the slaves, and
write some of the most profound and moving words in the English language. If
the same marble structure in the same place were dedicated to William McKinley,
no one would go there.
In a prime
location opposite the White House is a statue of Andrew Jackson on a horse.
Thousands of people pass it every day, but no one stops to look at it. It will
be the same with the JFK flame, in time.
--Prudence
Dear
Prudence,
Christmas was 25 days away when a fair number of my neighbors had already
placed lights around their homes and fully decorated their trees. I like to
think of myself as somewhat festive, but why has Christmas turned into a
full-month affair? What can we do to keep this holiday from becoming the
national bore?
--Scrooge
Dear
Scrooge,
Reread
your life story in A Christmas Carol . If you have no problem more
serious than boredom with an excess of Christmas, you are fortunate indeed.
--Prudence, tolerantly
