ArticleIP_3536.txt

   
   
      
         
            

            
               ASK
PRUDENCE
            

            

               Prudence, drawing on her rich experience of life, will answer questions
submitted by readers. She will respond to questions about manners, personal
relations, politics, economics, and other subjects. Questions should be sent to
[email protected].
They should not exceed 200 words in length. Please indicate how you wish your
letter to be signed, preferably including your location.
            

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               At
what point, and how, should one tell one's new boyfriend about one's medical
history? (And it's not the history you may think.) Bluntly put, when does he
need to know about the Prozac I take every morning? It's easy enough to tell
acquaintances that the reason I'm not having a beer at the office party is that
I'm "on some medication," and leave it at that. Is a more detailed explanation
needed for a more continuous relationship? Or should I just assume he'll find
the bottle in the medicine cabinet when he gets a headache?
            

            
               --Not D/D-free in
D.C.
            

            
               Dear
D/D,
            

            A lot
depends on what you mean by a "more continuous relationship." If you mean that
you will be with this man daily, or almost daily, for a significant period,
with the possibility that it will be for the rest of your lives, you should
certainly tell him. You will both be more free with each other if he knows. You
will not have to try to hide your condition or make up false explanations of
it. He will understand you better if he knows. He will know to try to avoid
exacerbating your condition and may be able to help alleviate it by sympathetic
and understanding behavior. If he can't accept that, you should consider
whether you want a "more continuous relationship" with him.

            --Prudence, openly

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               Won't
you come out to play?
            

            
               --Mark TullyMadison,
Maine
            

            
               Dear
Beatles Fan,
            

            I am at
play right now. Play is activity engaged in for the enjoyment of it without
regard to the financial remuneration. My remuneration is so trivial that what I
am doing qualifies as play.

            --Prudence, playfully

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I had a youthful
indiscretion and was married to a woman for six months almost 18 years ago. In
July of this year, I received a phone call from a young woman who professed to
be my daughter. When we divorced, I knew her mom was pregnant, but through the
lawyers I was told the unborn baby belonged to her first husband. In fact, out
of the blue one day she left me and remarried him.
            

            
               This young woman, whom I
met in person over Thanksgiving, is undoubtedly my child. But, she's a very
troubled and angry young woman. She has been abused sexually, emotionally; was
put out of her home at age 12 by her mother; has been pregnant but suffered a
miscarriage. Beginning at age 15, she had an affair for almost two years with a
35-year-old married man; has attempted suicide some three times; was
hospitalized for psychiatric problems for three months; was arrested for
assault and is currently on probation; and the list goes on.
            

            
               My advice to her was that
she needed to deal with her anger and learn to love herself before she could
even begin to think about loving me, her half brother, and half sister. She
said some pretty mean things to me while she was here. I requested that we not
have a relationship unless and until she gets herself some help.
            

            
               I am
totally disabled with a spinal-cord disease and I have limited emotional,
financial, and physical capabilities. Did I do the right thing?
            

            
               --Hopeless in the
SoutheastSanford, Fla.
            

            
               Dear
It's Not Hopeless,
            

            What a sad story! But I
think you are shortchanging your daughter and yourself. I accept what you say
about having limited financial and physical capabilities. I don't think you are
right about having limited emotional capabilities. You should not cut off your
relationship with her but rather should offer her sympathy, understanding,
love, and companionship. It will be hard. Obviously, after the life she has led
she is going to say some mean things. She may feel that the absence of her
natural father during her 18 years, however well that might be explained,
contributed to her present condition. Treating her lovingly will not only be
helpful to her. It will also be helpful to you. The emotional capabilities you
describe as limited will grow as they are used.

            You may
not be able to sustain this attitude, but it will be worth a very hard try.

            --Prudence, hopefully