ArticleIP_3537.txt

   
   
      
         
            

            
               ASK
PRUDENCE
            

            

               Prudence, drawing on her rich experience of life, will answer questions
submitted by readers. She will respond to questions about manners, personal
relations, politics, economics, and other subjects. Questions should be sent to
[email protected].
They should not exceed 200 words in length. Please indicate how you wish your
letter to be signed, preferably including your location.
            

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               Once I
have asked the "how do I tell Alan Greenspan how much I love the way he screws
me?" question, what other questions are there that deal with "love, etiquette,
AND macroeconomic policy"?
            

            
               --Nit-pickingly,Perry
Nelson
            

            Dear
Nit-pickingly,

            I'm sure a person as clever
as you can find many questions that meet the standard you have read into our
instructions. Here's one: "How should a capital-gains tax cut be dressed up to
make it seem an act of lovingkindness to people who have no capital?"

            Many
people who read our instructions were not deterred by the defect you discovered
and have sent us heartfelt questions on a number of subjects. Unrelenting
attention to syntax can be an obstacle to communication.

            
               -- Prudence,
inexactly

            
               
                  My
dear Prudence,
               
            

            
               This
year, my wife is dragging me to the home of some friends of hers to celebrate
the new year. The problem is that they are total teetotalers, and to me, a day
(much less New Year's Eve) without a drink is no day at all! Would it be rude
if I took a nice bottle of French wine (OK, maybe two)?? And would a corkscrew
and proper glasses be pushing it????
            

            
               --Jakeman
            

            Dear
Jakeman,

            It would
indeed be rude, unless you called first and asked whether it would be OK. It is
their house, their party, and their rules. If they say no, which would be quite
within the bounds of propriety, you should either restrain yourself at the
party or not go to it.

            --Prudence, teetotally

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I see
that every editor these days is trying to copy the tone of the wonderful advice
given by the sainted Mary Killen in the Spectator . Tell me, why do you
think this is? It can't be because they have no brilliant ideas of their own,
can it?
            

            
               --Yours
expectantly,Michael ElliottWashington, D.C.
            

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               In recent years, one of
my favorite newspaper columnists has become less and less interesting. "Eppie"
(not her real name) used to write an advice column. Readers would write her
with their questions on life, love, and (usually) microeconomics, and she would
give them really great advice, e.g., "Wake up and smell the coffee,
honey!"
            

            

               Lately, however, her readers seem to have decided to become America's
Nannies, mailing in all sorts of precatory silliness--"Eppie, tell your readers
never to leave a dead fish alone in a car on a hot day with the windows rolled
up!" Or, "Eppie, please, please tell your readers not to make fun of fat
people, such as Tipper Gore! They're human too, you know!" And Prudence, she
prints that stuff in her column! Every &@#^ day! Advice? Fahgeddaboutit,
Buster! Prudence, will they ever put "Eppie" out of her misery? Do you
represent the next evolutionary step in journalism? Or are you nothing more
than this year's Jeffrey Zaslow ...
            

            
               --Popo (not my real
name)
            

            Dear
Michael and Popo,

            Your letters raise related
questions, and I hope you won't mind if I answer them both at once. "Dear
Prudence" did not originate with an editor searching for a new idea. It was a
response to the overwhelming public demand for advice. People seek answers to
their real problems, and other people enjoy and profit from reading the
problems submitted and the answers given. People--"real people," that is--are
more interested in those problems than in the questions that pundits make up
just so they will have something to write about, questions selected so that the
answer requires little thought and no research.

            As for my antecedents, I
must confess that I have never heard of Mary Killen, "Eppie," or Jeffrey
Zaslow. I trace my lineage back to Joseph, Solomon, the Delphic Oracle,
Cassandra, Adam Smith, and Benjamin Franklin. (I deliberately omit that old
fool of an advice giver, Polonius: Banks thrive by being both borrowers and
lenders.) Thus, I consider myself part of the constants of history, not part of
an evolutionary trend.

            But hey,
it's a free country and a free market. If no problems are submitted, there will
be no answers. And if there are problems and answers but no one reads them,
Prudence will go back to her needlepoint.

            
               -- Prudence,
modestly

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence (and how are John and Paul?),
               
            

            
               My girlfriend's former
boyfriend broke up with her via a note. That she was pregnant at the time makes
the situation with respect to his morality quite clear: He had and has the
morals of a banana slug. (That he cringes at salt shakers only bolsters this
conclusion.) The question that I find interesting concerns the etiquette of
breaking up. I contend that the only way one person should kiss off another is
face to face. I've a number of reasons to support this view, but my fundamental
reasoning is moral (as morality is the basis of so much mannerly behavior): In
justice, the kissed-off, as the offended party, should have the right to
confront (and possibly to throw sharp objects at) the kisser-off.
            

            
               Any
other way (by telephone, by note) smacks of cowardice. Further, it seems to me
that my preferred mode serves a useful societal function as well, by making
romantic relationships somewhat more stable since somewhat more difficult to
dissolve during temporary difficulties. This last point, of course, presumes
that society has an interest in stable romantic relationships; if you accept
that society has an interest in marriage, and that stable romantic
relationships both include and lead to marriage, you must conclude that society
does indeed have such an interest. Have you any thoughts on this? A nation
holds its breath (well, except for those holding others at gunpoint).
            

            
               --Emily Post's Meaner
Brother
            

            Dear
Brother,

            Whether a face-to-face
encounter is required for a breakup depends on the reason for the breakup. If A
splits from B because B has been obviously offensive and fraudulent, the
courtesy of a face-to-face explanation is not required. Suppose, for example,
that Mr. B has given Ms. A every reason to believe that he is not married, but
she learns that he is. B then deserves nothing. In the case to which you refer,
the young lady deserves a face-to-face meeting, an apology, and whatever solace
can be offered. Probably the general rule is that a party who is seriously
aggrieved owes no consideration to the aggrievor.

            I am surprised that you did
not mention e-mail as a medium for breakups. Isn't there a Web site containing
form e-mail letters for breakups?

            They're
well, thanks.

            
               -- Prudence

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I hate
to start our relations by pointing out little details, but both you and
"Lovelocked" missed another major point of Chivalry on the question of opening
the door for your loved one. The other point is you don't leave her standing
alone on the far side of the car and thus more easily jostled and/or assaulted
by the nearest purse snatcher or other criminal element who can often appear
quickly and quietly no matter the time of day ... just a point, m'dear.
            

            

               --Saintswrd
            

            
               Orlando, Fla.
            

            Dear
Saintswrd,

            Thanks
for your addition to the reasons for helping your beloved get into the car.
Unfortunately, it is a necessary addition. Sentimental Prudence prefers to
focus on the romantic side of life, but she cannot deny there is a darker side
also.

            --Prudence, ruefully