ArticleIP_3542.txt

   
   
      
         
            

            
               Dear Readers,
            

            
               Prudence is greatly
pleased at the confidence so many of you have shown in her by asking her
advice. Sadly she must, however, return to her needlework now. Some answers to
questions previously posed to her will be posted here in the next few weeks,
but she will be unable to answer any questions received after this
date.
            

            
               In leaving, Prudence would
like to offer this last piece of advice:
            

            
               Except
in a very few instances, Prudence is neither better informed nor wiser than the
persons who write to her. She is able to offer helpful advice only because the
problems described are not hers; she is not emotionally involved in them and
can consider them objectively. So her advice has two parts: First, when you are
greatly troubled with a problem you should write it down in the form of a
letter--which you may, if you wish, address to Prudence. The act of translating
the problem into written words, rather than brooding over it endlessly and
incoherently, will itself be helpful. It will enable you to see the problem in
its true dimensions. Second, you should not mail the letter but should read it
over to yourself and imagine what Prudence would say. You will find--not
always, but often--that you know the answer. As Prudence read the letters she
received, she often felt that the writer knew the answer but only wanted some
confirmation. Try it seriously for yourself.
            

            
               --Prudence, fondly
bidding you farewell
            

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I am a woman with a
"strong personality." As evidence, my boss has said that I'm intimidating and,
at times, pompous--but then, he has the IQ of a brine shrimp. Now, I would
never be foolish enough to say to anyone in my workplace that he is a simp (and
a mental shrimp), but I think that I somehow broadcast these kinds of
messages.
            

            
               Well, my goal is to pull
it back a notch. I want to seem less threatening. When I announced my goal to
present myself as a more middle-of-the-road type of person, several people were
up in arms. "You can't change who you are!" was the most common line.
            

            
               Now,
Prudence, I have no intention of changing who I am. I just want to change the
window dressing. Can I pull it back a notch, or am I doomed to come off as a
scary bitch?
            

            
               --Strident From
Detroit
            

            Dear
Strident,

            It isn't necessary to
change who you are, but it would be helpful to recognize who you
are. You are certainly not the most brilliant--or otherwise wonderful--person
in the world and probably not even in your own circle. Moreover, to whatever
extent you are superior, it is probably the result of genes and attitudes
inherited from your parents and not something you created for yourself.
Accepting these realities will help you to behave in a more accommodating way
without pretense.

            But even
if you do feel yourself superior, you can still learn to behave in a way that
is not offensive. People who are attractively slim do not talk about the
ugliness of obesity in the presence of people who are grossly overweight. Good
manners can be cultivated. You may even find pleasure in realizing that you
have acted with noblesse oblige in not flaunting your superiority. There is
satisfaction in feeling that you are better than other people not only in
intelligence but also in modesty and good manners.

            --Prudence,
realistically

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I have
a pal who was actually a very good friend of mine until she started going out
with a certain guy. Now I hardly ever see her. Plus, she has changed a lot,
although she doesn't see it. She is still in high school but has already slept
with him a few times, and I believe she is pregnant. This is something that we
both agreed was terrible, un-Christian, and something neither of us would do
until we were married. Now, she sees everything differently, and in some way,
doesn't see that she has done anything wrong. I feel as though she has
committed a terrible crime, almost. How should I treat her now since I can
hardly respect her?
            

            
               --Sincerely,Worried and
Confused
            

            Dear Worried
and Confused,

            Your
friend does not seem to want help or comfort from you at this time and
certainly would not welcome a lecture. I think it natural and appropriate that
your relations with her should cool. That is one way she would learn the
consequences of her actions, which may or may not bother her. But you should
not be hostile, and you should be open to help her if she should turn to you
later.

            --Prudence, charitably

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               In the social scene I
have begun to notice people greeting each other with a kiss on the lips. I was
rather appalled because I assumed that kissing, especially on the lips, was
reserved for people with an intimate relationship.
            

            
               Should
two people who are only social acquaintances kiss each other? Is this even
sanitary? How "socially acceptable" is kissing in public even for two people
dating?
            

            
               --Conservative
KisserAugusta, Ga.
            

            Dear
Conservative Kisser,

            Prudence
is with you. If casual acquaintances kiss each other on the lips, what method
of expression will be left for true lovers?--except to fall into bed, which is
sometimes inconvenient or excessive.

            --Prudence,
conservatively

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I think you got it, but
I'm not sure, and since I appreciate your weekly advice I wanted to be
clear.
            

            
               The letter you published on
the advice columnist referred to as "Eppie" and signed by "Popo" was a somewhat
veiled reference to "Ask Ann Landers" and "Dear Abby." I read a biography of
the two (as you no doubt know, they are sisters in real life), and Eppie and
Popo were childhood nicknames of Ann and Abby respectively. (The book was
called Dear Ann, Dear Abby .) Therefore, it would seem the writer was
intending to pose as Abby, putting down her sister, which would be in keeping
with the oft-mentioned rivalry between them.
            

            
               I don't
think of you as one who would attempt to disrupt sisterly relations, and so
wanted to make sure you understood the possible ramifications of what you
printed. Thanks for your good words each week, and be well.
            

            
               --Sue
            

            Dear
Sue,

            Thanks. I didn't get it. I
didn't know that Eppie and Popo were names for Ann Landers and Abigail Van
Buren.

            I have
great respect for both. Judging by the volume of my mail, I think there is
enough unmet demand for advice to keep all of us busy. I suppose there are
subjects on which they know more than I do, but I suppose there are also
subjects on which I know more than they.

            --Prudence, gratefully