Drawing upon her rich
experience of life, Prudence (Prudie to her friends) responds to questions
about manners, personal relations, politics, and other subjects. Please send
your questions for publication to [email protected]. Queries should not exceed 200 words in
length. Please indicate how you wish your letter to be signed, preferably
including your location.
Dear
Prudie,
My wife and I, Manhattan
residents sans country house, spent this past weekend with friends at their
restored Pennsylvania farmhouse. On Monday morning I wanted to thank them, but
when my fingers went instinctively to the e-mail "Send" button, I wondered if
e-mail was socially correct for such purposes.
What
are Prudie's thoughts on the evolution of e-mail and the social
graces--assuming there is any connection?
--Polite but
Puzzled
Dear
Po,
Prudie supposes if you're
Brooke Astor, e-mail might not cut it, but the handwritten bread and butter
note is starting to seem like the whalebone corset, given the modern
possibilities. Because snail mail is not always reliable, many people with
social graces have substituted the fax, ensuring both timeliness and actual
arrival. Since e-mail is even quicker and just as dependable as faxing, by all
means feel at ease being electronically grateful. It is, after all, the thought
that counts. (Prudie is assuming your hosts are wired.)
A good
test for you to figure out your comfort level about this matter is to imagine
how you would respond to receiving a thank-you note on the Net.
--Prudie, currently
Dear
Prudence,
I am fortunate enough to
have two mothers-in-law: one who gave birth to my wonderful husband and one who
is married to his father. I get along famously with both of them, and they get
along famously with each other ... I thought.
Recently, my
stepmother-in-law has taken to saying some unkind words about my mother-in-law.
On two occasions these were said just to me, and on one occasion they were said
in front of others. Both times I quickly changed the subject but felt as though
I had been punched in the stomach.
I feel
the need to express my intolerance of this type of behavior, but it is
imperative that it be done in the nicest way possible. How do you suggest I
approach the topic? I want to be understood perfectly but also don't want to
cause problems with my stepmother-in-law.
--Please sign meTrying
To Be Graceful
Dear
Try,
You are admirable in trying
to head off wives Nos. 1 and 2 from morphing into the Israel and PLO of the
family. Why don't you try something like this: "I know you and (insert name)
have a very nice friendship, and I can't figure out where your new ,
unfriendly remarks are coming from. Perhaps I am misunderstanding you. It has
always meant so much to (insert husband/father's name) that the social
relationship was cordial. It would be a shame to change the balance and make
(husband/father) unhappy."
With this
approach you will not be attacking her, you will be offering her a benign
directional signal, and she will get the message. If she does not take the
hint, then you and Prudie will dope out a way to up the ante.
--Prudie, disarmingly
Dear
Prudence,
May I offer a comment on
Impatiently Waiting's situation (her Steady Freddie of four years
says he's "not ready" for marriage)? If so, it's this: Ultimatums and head
games are a terrible way to start a marriage. What you need instead is a
heart-to-heart, not about the marriage potential in your relationship but about
where each of you is going individually and what each wishes to achieve. This
kind of conversation will give you more information about your place in his
heart.
At the
same time, you need to ascertain why you want to marry Fred. Are you looking
for security? Children? Or maybe you just think it's time to get married? Then
assess whether the reasons are specific to Fred and worthy of your own lifelong
commitment. If your desire is to spend forever with Fred, tell him
so--bluntly--with no allusion to marriage. If he seems even a tad lukewarm to
the idea, run for the hills. But if he passionately agrees, start in on forever
and shut up about a wedding. More than likely it will pop up before you know
it.
--Been There
Dear
Been,
What wise
words for our friend in romantic turmoil! It was good of you to take the time
to be a Prudie. I suspect you would agree that it is easier to ride a horse in
the direction in which it is going.
--Prudie,
philosophically
Dear
Prudie,
I am writing on my
husband's e-mail password. When he left the hospital (he was treated for
depression and a sleep disorder) he got an e-mail address for a woman he met
there. It was a secret affair for three weeks until I found out. Then he said
they were "just friends." He said he could talk to her on subjects he can't
talk to me about--intellectual things--claiming that I can't give him what he
desires on a cerebral level. Was I jealous? Hell yes, and hurt!
I should tell you that a
few years ago he had an impotence problem and couldn't manage on a physical
level, so I got into cybersex. I considered it enhanced masturbation and think
it saved our marriage. And we had counseling.
So ...
I agreed to let him have his "intellectual friend." Now he wants to meet her
for coffee, "just to have a chat." I expressed to him that having an e-mail
girlfriend is fine with me, but going out for coffee without me is a major
problem. I checked his mailbox and found he had deleted many messages to her.
He is also being secretive and in denial that this situation is unfair. My
partners are anonymous, and so am I. She is not anonymous--and an ex-therapist,
yet. I don't have a degree, but I know it is wrong when a man goes outside his
marriage to fill a need, whether it be intellectual or sexual. I am feeling
helpless. And now he claims I am ugly when I'm jealous. Can I get off this
roller coaster from hell?
--Hurt in San
Francisco
Dear
Hurt,
At least he didn't say you
were cute when you were angry. Prudie is going to lay it on the line. Your
relationship sounds like a dog's breakfast. It is full of all kinds of things
that are not very appetizing.
Since you
say you've had counseling, we can skip that option. Cyberflings, yours and his,
are just symptoms of a marriage that is not working. The writing is on the
screen: The elements that make a decent marriage are no longer there. Prudie
understands that you guys are between a rock and a hard drive but recommends
that you sign off with as little rancor as you can manage.
--Prudie,
electronically
