Drawing upon her rich experience of life, Prudence (Prudie to her
friends) responds to questions about manners, personal relations, politics, and
other subjects. Please send your questions for publication to [email protected]. Queries
should not exceed 200 words in length. Please indicate how you wish your letter
to be signed, preferably including your location.
Dear
Prudence,
On a scale of 1 to
10, my problem is maybe a 1.5, but it's a problem nonetheless. My husband's
business requires us to entertain at home quite a bit. His company (which pays
the bills) uses a particular caterer with whom I do not get along. The woman in
charge seems to resent my suggestions, though I am always polite, and it has
come back to me that she is bad-mouthing me whenever she can. With Christmas
and New Year's coming up, we will be seeing more of her than ever. I do not
need this aggravation, Prudie, and fear she is harming my reputation. Any
solutions?
--Hostess With the Cateress From Hell
Dear Host,
Oh, how sharper than a servant's tooth. Alas,
people helping in the house are always in a position to carry tales outside.
But to be pragmatic, here are your options. 1) Discontinue making any
suggestions. And to close down the catering lady, make it a point to tell her
that you have decided to defer to her professional experience. 2) Ask the
appropriate person in your husband's company if you might have the leeway of
choosing your own caterer. If the answer is "No," see Solution 1.
Good luck, and just
remember this: Using caterers may have a few attendant problems, but it beats
cooking.
--Prudie, practically
Dear
Prudence,
I fear that a certain software billionaire may
be a nut job. (No, not your software billionaire.) The one who has my dander
up--pardon the animal metaphor--is a man named David Duffield from my hometown,
San Francisco. He has pledged $200 million for homeless dogs and cats. What
about HOMELESS PEOPLE?
I am disgusted and
wonder what you think of this.
--Burned Up in Northern California
Dear Burn,
Prudie thinks the old
adage is true: Money doesn't care who has it. While Prudie knows that animal
lovers are a fiercely loyal lot (and vociferous too), there is no recourse from
these monetary gifts to fur-bearing recipients. You feel disgust, Prudie feels
regret, but you must put aside your mad-on and get back to business.
--Prudie, philosophically
Dear
Prudie,
I just noticed that
you used the word "empathetic." Please see the attached letter previously sent
to
Slate
(but not published) as to why
"empathetic" should not be used. Despite my letter I see that
Slate
has let that word slip through
again.
--Alan Church, Lexington, Ky.
Dear Al,
Prudie never intended to
go to William Safire-land with linguistic matters ... but what the hell! Here
are the highlights of your (unpublished) letter for the edification of those
Prudie people and
Slate
editors who might be
interested:
Slate
contributes to the continuing degradation of
the language. It seems that only psychologists know that the word is
"empathically," not "empathetically," as used in David Edelstein's review of
Unmade Beds . While you will find "empathetic" in some dictionaries,
that is only because so many people have (mis)used it, thinking if it is
sympathy/sympathetic it must be empathy/empathetic. Not so.
Have
you noticed that almost no one uses "reticent" correctly anymore? And now, 20
years after I predicted it, I notice that some dictionaries offer "reluctant"
as a meaning for "reticent." And of course "disinterested" has come to mean
"uninterested." Where will it all end?
Oh, probably with "Have
a nice day."
--Prudie
Dear
Prudence,
This is a heartache
for me, though it is actually my daughter's problem. She is married to a
womanizing louse who takes no particular pains to cover his tracks. They have
been married for 11 years, and "the trouble" was apparent soon after they
married. My daughter is torn about whether to cut the creep loose or to hope
against hope that he will change. There are children. You are experienced, and
I am assuming you have a thought-out opinion on this type of situation. Thank
you.
--Heartsick
Dear Heart,
Prudie agrees with the late and witty Mo Udall, who
said, in another context, "That condition can be cured only with embalming
fluid." Prudie also thinks guys like this are lucky if they're not
Bobbittized.
It is likely that you and your daughter have
discussed this, but the next time it comes up you might point out that tomcat
habits are not likely to change and, further, that children are not benefited
by having tense and angry parents. Additionally, through some kind of family
osmosis, children pick up that a parent is a philanderer, and this, in turn,
gives an unspoken OK to such behavior. The decision must be hers.
As a mother herself,
Prudie hopes you can disengage on a gut level from your daughter's difficult
situation and that you can achieve some peace of mind knowing that adults get
to make their own decisions about their lives. Be a shoulder for your daughter,
and let's hope she decides the best course for herself and the children.
--Prudie, maternally
