From Yellow to Blue
Do the supermarket tabloids
need a serotonin reuptake inhibitor? In the post-Flytrap world they seem to be
too depressed to get out of bed and find themselves dwelling instead on the
details of their unhappy relationship with Washington, brooding about
mortality, and fixating on the sad lives of people who can only be called
obscure celebrities.
The tabs never liked the
Monica story all that much: Washington is not their natural milieu, and in
general the mainstream media had better sources and reported more explicit
details. The tabs found themselves usurped in this scandal-enriched world, and
it showed in declining circulation. But now the National Enquirer and
the Star are about to enter a new phase. Last month the sister
publications were bought for $300 million by an investment group headed by
former Clinton administration Deputy Treasury Secretary Roger Altman. Does this
mean tab readers can expect a lot more monetary policy and a lot less Monica
pulkes ?
Like discarded lovers who keep driving past their ex's
imagining the lurid scenes that are taking place inside, the tabs can't quite
let go of Hillary, Bill, and Monica. Forget running for the Senate or being
ambassador to the United Nations. According to the Enquirer , Hillary's
real goal after Clinton's term ends is "to keep Bill under her thumb for the
rest of his life as 'payback.' " While the publication alleges his post-White
House goal is to get a divorce, Hillary will refuse, threatening to "reveal
secrets about Clinton that would leave him utterly humiliated." The
Enquirer doesn't speculate as to what these might be, but what's left?
Bestiality? Cannibalism? That's possible compared with what the publication
goes on to report--that Hillary insisted that the two of them watch the
broadcast of Monica's videotaped testimony, during which the president mumbled,
"Poor Monica, I'm sorry she had to go through this." It is much more likely
that Clinton would simultaneously send ground troops to Iraq and Bosnia than
mumble something like that in front of Hillary.
The Globe has come
up with its own bizarre denouement for this drama. It reports that Monica would
like to talk to Hillary to plead forgiveness. "Monica told friends she longs to
tell Hillary ... 'I'll do anything to make things right with you.' " Probably
the only thing Monica can do that would bring Hillary any satisfaction is to
keep the feed bag tied on. The Globe also alleges that Monica got so far
as to call the first lady on her private White House line but lost the nerve to
speak when she heard Hillary's voice. However, it does seem more likely that
the president is a cannibal than that Hillary has been receiving
annoying hang-up calls from Monica.
The Star at least emerges as the engine behind the
latest story--that the president is a rapist. In January it published a quite
accurate account of what has emerged as Juanita Broaddrick's story. It also
reported that there were rumors during the 1992 presidential campaign that the
reason Broaddrick didn't come forward with her story of being sexually
assaulted by Clinton in 1978 was that her husband had cut a deal with the
Clintons. Broaddrick was furious when friends showed her the charge, and she
decided that it was time to tell the truth. But none of the tabs, including the
Star , has anything to add to the now public story--.
If the tabs haven't
really been able to move on, neither has Monica, reports the Enquirer .
Her new plan is to win Bill back by starring on her own TV talk show. An
"insider" says, "She honestly believes that some day when she's a huge success
in TV, Bill will want her back in his life." According to the story, one reason
Monica decided to do her first interview with Barbara Walters is because
Walters promised to introduce Monica to people in the industry. (Psst, Monica,
don't forget that at one time, while she was trying to get the interview with
you, Walters was also the best friend of your erstwhile attorney William
Ginsberg.) The Globe reports that Monica acknowledges she's a sex addict
and as a first step to get control of her compulsion "has thrown away all her
sexy, seductive lingerie." It's terrible to think of that great American
artifact, the thong of thongs, ending up in the dumpster.
With the Clinton sex scandal now fading into embers, the
tabs have entered a dark, morbid phase. This week the Enquirer has a
story about the "deathbed vigil" for Larry Fortensky, Elizabeth Taylor's most
recent former husband, the one-time construction worker she met when they were
both in rehab. Fortensky suffered severe brain damage in a fall down a
staircase in January. According to the Enquirer , it was a drunken fall.
The Star has alleged it was a suicide bid. The Globe believes it
may have been a murder attempt. A caption on the Enquirer 's horrifying
picture of the critically injured Fortensky is "touching family photo." Ah,
yes, there's nothing more moving than family members "sharing" their
photographs of comatose loved ones for publication.
The 2-year old murder of
child beauty pageant winner JonBenet Ramsey returns to the covers of the tabs.
Both the Globe and the Enquirer now point the finger at her
mother, Patsy, the Enquirer promising, "indictments are imminent against
JonBenet's mom Patsy for murder and her dad John for his role in a cover-up.
The conclusion the grand jury is considering is that Patsy slammed a
bed-wetting JonBenet over the head. ... It was a fatal wound. All the rest--the
strangling, sexual abuse, the ransom note--is cover-up."
And not even a counseling session with Elizabeth
Kübler-Ross would help the tabs get over the death of Diana. The Star
weighs in this week with its theory that her death was the result of an
assassination conspiracy among the Central Intelligence Agency, the Defense
Intelligence Agency, the National Security Agency, and Britain's MI6 to keep
her from marrying department store heir Dodi Fayed.
Finally, the tabs have been wallowing recently in
the misery of people you can't remember or never heard of. Take Dana Plato.
Drawing a blank? She was a child star on the old sitcom Diff'rent
Strokes . Since then she's been arrested on robbery and drug charges. Now,
in a "heartfelt exclusive interview," in the Enquirer , a lesbian lover
of hers has announced that Plato has vanished after stealing $700 from her.
Plato's girlfriend is worried the former actress "is on a downward spiral to
death."
And can anybody remember Renee Richards, the
transsexual tennis-playing physician? Richards, now 64 and a successful
pediatric ophthalmologist, advises other men who want, as she did, to change
genders in middle age not to do it, according to the Star . "You better
get on Thorazine or Zoloft or Prozac," she advises. Dr. Richards, can you write
a prescription for the tabloids?
