No. 256: "Artifacts or Fiction?"
The list includes
a paper shredder (Shark 200 personal security shredder), a leather picture
frame (without picture), and three pair of Jockey® shorts (athletic midway
pouch brief). List of what?
Send
your answer by noon ET Thursday to [email protected] .
Tuesday's Question
(No. 255)--"Sorry, Right Number":
On Sunday, Maryland Gov. Parris Glendening and his wife, Frances,
released a statement that began: "Early this morning, we received a call that
every parent dreads." What did the caller say?
"Mom?
Dad? I've decided to major in English."-- Tim Rogers ( Matt
Sullivan had a similar answer.)
"Mom?
Dad? I'm gay. And now for the bad news ..."-- L
arry Amoros
(similarly, Darren Thorneycroft )
"The
good Lord called upon them to sacrifice their eldest child, as a sign of their
faith. They later learned that the Lord was making a prank call."-- William
Considine
"We've
traced the call ... it's coming from inside the house."-- Daniel Radosh
and Floyd Elliot
"First, the good news: John Kasich was nearby."-- Tim Carvell (similarly,
Greg Diamond , Daniel Radosh , and Charles Star )
Click
for more answers.
Randy's
Wrap-Up
The most feared (in a
good-natured, humorous way) teen news--other than the startlingly high number
of "your child was killed in a car crash" (in a lighthearted, frolicsome
way)--was this: Your adolescent is enjoying sex and drugs. This is a tricky
territory for parents who enjoy sex and drugs and liberal politics. How do you
forbid the kids to practice what you, er, practice? The hypocrisy buster?
Age-appropriate. There are many things that are permitted to adults--e.g.
driving a car--that are not wrong in themselves, just wrong for a 5-year-old.
Once you get your adolescent to endorse this idea (and to forget that Juliet
was just 14), you've won. The rest is just arguing over what age is the
threshold for each activity. Some suggestions:
Drinking--21, in accordance with the law of the land
Dating--16, in accordance with parents' senile reminiscence
Own Monkey--12, or whenever old enough to operate electro-stick
Own Erotic Life--18, if attending college out of state; 35, if living at
home
Own Seat on New Jersey Supreme Court--18, or old enough to serve Gov.
Christine Todd Whitman's relentless ambition
Slurred
Answer
The caller told the Glendenings that their
19-year-old son, Raymond, had just been arrested for drunken driving, in a
parking lot, at 2:30 a.m. Most piquant detail: Frances Glendening's assumption
that this is a universal experience.
After giving the little
miscreant a sound thrashing, the governor and his wife will throw Raymond out
of the house and disinherit him, or, if you choose to believe the pronouncement
of parents befuddled by grief: "We will offer Raymond our unconditional and
abiding love, support and guidance."
Augmented
Quotation Extra
(Each
final sentence added by News Quiz.)
"... I
particularly want to congratulate the Police Department. And that boozy old
fool who piloted the Exxon Valdez --I'm sending him a bouquet of
daffodils."--New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, reacting to the Louima verdicts.
"...
It was such a surprise that we couldn't believe it at first. How on God's green
earth could he think this makes the cops look good?"--Al Ghiorso of Lawrence
Berkeley National Laboratory, commenting on the discovery of two new chemical
elements.
"...
We feel this will go a long way in carrying out our responsibilities to the
parents of America. And we hope Adam Sandler makes good use of his time on
Prison Island."--William Kartozian, president of the National Association of
Theater Owners, announcing that teen-agers will now have to present fake photo
IDs to get into R-rated movies.
"...
All I have to do is say I am going to see Star Wars ' and then sneak into
the movies I really want to see. All the kids in my class think William
Kartozian is as goofy as a New York City mayor."--Paul McSweeny, 14, who has so
little respect for phony-baloney gestures that he won't even bother to purchase
a fake ID. Kids.
"...
He acknowledged his mistake but also said, 'Don't forget, I'm a three-time
N.B.A. All-Star,' which for every 16-year-old is the American Dream. That, and
having sex indoors."--Jay Coen Gilbert, vice president of And 1 sneakers,
sympathizing with company pitchman Latrell Sprewell.
"...
All of this depends on Mr. Milosevic's accepting the terms of the military
technical agreement, and abiding by it. He really congratulated the
cops?!!"--Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, assessing progress in the
Kosovo talks.
Mike Madden's
Headline Haiku
Haven for illicit
10-digit dialing is
the death knell.
Move into Web.
-- Philadelphia Inquirer , June 3, 1999
(Technology section
only)
Common
Denominator, Unrun
Michael Jackson, White
House interns, Burbank, prunes.
Common
Denominator, Run
Mom, Dad, I need my old room back.
