ArticleIP_30545.txt

   
   
      
         
            Personal Space Invaders

            

               Please send your questions for publication to [email protected].
            

            
               
                  Dear
Prudie,
               
            

            
               As a child of the '60s and '70s, I am more
touchy-feely than Oprah. To most of my friends in my own age group, this is
considered normal. (And I guess even to most of my friends in other age
groups.) However, I am aware that one of my better friends is just too reserved
for this invasion of his personal space. Despite resolving not to make him feel
like he's being assaulted, I often forget myself when we are together and
realize too late that I'm either sitting too close or talking too close or
worse, being a hug-Nazi.
            

            
               He tolerates this,
though it clearly makes him nervous. He is tremendously enjoyable company, and
I am accustomed to viewing affectionate gestures as rewarding someone for this.
Could you offer me some helpful suggestions for being, well, more
prudent?
            

            

               --Affectionately,
            

            

               Recidivist Hugger
            

            Dear Re,

            Prudie sees from your e-mail address that you are
female (unless, of course, you've hopped on someone else's machine) and
believes that touching friends is mostly a feminine trait. In any case, this is
what the situation looks like from here: You have the habit of getting close
and touching people; you are aware that in some instances this is regarded as
an invasion of someone's personal space; you and the reluctant touchee are good
friends; you would like to bag your habit of "rewarding" him with physical
contact, but sometimes you just can't help yourself.

            The key, it seems to
Prudie, is that you are close friends, and that he tolerates it--though
uncomfortably--while you want to accommodate his comfort zone. Why don't you
annex humor and honesty to this dilemma and deal with it openly? Say to your
chum something like: "I have this lunatic habit of touching my friends, and I
also tend to get too close. I know this is not comfortable for you, so the next
time you feel crowded, just say, 'Down girl, down.' " Well, you get the drift.
The two of you should decide on a code phrase that suits you, and in time,
Prudie predicts, there will be no discomfort at all--on either side.

            
--Prudie, spaciously

            
               
                  Dear
Prudie,
               
            

            
               You display a wide
range of knowledge, so let me run something by you I have not seen you deal
with before: have you any ideas about making some serious money--fast? I hope
you can help. I'm in a bind.
            

            

               --BPL in Tennessee
            

            Dear B,

            Your question is
actually the bailiwick of Prudie's aunt, the first Prudence, the one who
started this column. Alas, no kind of economics is within this Prudie's
purview. Just from reading the financial section, however (as close as Prudie
gets to monetary information), one suggestion for you might be to get on
Michael Eisner's bad side. Those people seem to do really well.

            
--Prudie, killingly

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               Thirty years ago in
college I had a brief fling with a young man who has remained a dear and close
friend. We never repeated our physical intimacy. Now he has finally (!)
married, and his wife, fascinated by his long-term friendship with a girl from
college, persistently asks if I ever slept with him. I have tried every trick
in the book to keep from answering her truthfully, from "Why in the world would
you need to know that?" to "It was the '60s ... how can I possibly remember?!"
But she won't give up. How can I answer her without answering her? How can I
get her to drop the subject? I'd like us all to remain friends. Her husband
refuses to satisfy her curiosity as well. I don't want to come right out and
say, "It's none of your business what happened between your husband and me when
we were 18," and I guess I am looking for a nice way to say MYOB.
            

            

               --Perplexed in Pendleton
            

            Dear Perp,

            You tried the nice way of saying MYOB (which is Ann
Landers' wonderful shorthand for "mind your own business"), and it didn't work.
I refer to your quip about it being the '60s, and how could you be expected to
remember anything ? Prudie's first thought was to suggest that you tell
the proverbial "little white lie" to make the subject go away. Then she decided
that white lies, or turquoise, for that matter, should not be encouraged ...
that there must be a better way than dishonesty, no matter how admirable one's
intent. For this reason, Prudie asked an attorney who is also a Harvard
Divinity School graduate to be a Prudie.

            His position was that lying is unethical, therefore
it is important to consider how not to answer rather than compromising
one's integrity. If the wife's concern is that a sexual relationship might be
going on (that is, a present-tense concern) or is merely curious about the
past, this is a question she must ask her husband--the person directly
involved. The proper communication is with the relevant person--her spouse. If
this rather thick woman persists in her questioning, you might say: "I never
answer questions about the personal lives of my close friends. Please do not
ask me to violate my friendships by pursuing this line of inquiry. This is a
boundary I care about." Such an approach protects the confidentiality you share
with your old friend and directs the wife to the appropriate source (her
husband) allowing you to know you have behaved in a morally ethical manner.

            Prudie--who did not
attend divinity school, but the school of hard knocks--would like to point out
that most people who are not candidates for Dutch elm disease would figure out
that there might, indeed, have been a little experimentation of the sexual sort
and quit already with the interrogation. This, however, is an altogether
different problem. Good luck to you, and my compliments for wishing to do the
right thing.

            
--Prudie, privately

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               Though it is not on
a par with Kosovo and Chinese spying, I nevertheless have been reading about
Hugh Hefner, the geezer in pajamas who founded Playboy around the time
my father was a young man. As I understand it, he is currently occupied, very
publicly, and supposedly romantically, with three women whose names are like
Handy, Dandy, and Randy ... or something like that. How would you categorize
this behavior, and what do you think it's about?
            

            

               --Really Confused
            

            Dear Real,

            Pathetic and Viagra.

            And Prudie thinks the
opportunists, I mean, young women, are named Randy, Brande, and Mandy ... or
something like that.

            --Prudie, disdainfully