No. 261: "The Rules"
Among the four
pages of rules are these: women must smile and wear makeup at all times, any
woman caught chewing gum gets an $80 fine, and then there's the draconian Rule
29--"if any girl gets three complaints, she must immediately resign." Rules
governing what?
Send
your answer by 5 p.m. ET Sunday to [email protected] .
Wednesday's
Question (No. 260)--"A Touching (and Smelling) Tale":
"You're telling me I have to touch anyone who comes in here,
even if I don't want to? I have to get up really close to them and smell their
perfume, smell their breath?" asked an incredulous Michael Damico. As it turns
out, yes, he does. And what does he have to do after
that?
"Shake
their hands and announce his candidacy for president."-- Matthew Cole
( Alfred Cloutier and Ken Gibson had similar answers.)
"Give
them a prescription for Prozac and bill their insurance company for another
successful round of outpatient diagnosis and treatment."-- Peter Carlin
(similarly, Tim Rogers )
"Hump
their legs."-- Alfred Cloutier (similarly, Sean Fitzpatrick and
Sean Devine )
"Whatever happened to 'Hello, welcome to Wal-Mart?' "--Herb Terns
"Stop
telling me he wants a divorce."-- Alison Rogers
Click
for more answers.
Randy's
Wrap-Up
Most responses could be
divided into two kinds of contempt: some target snobs who disdain the rabble
(the reluctant dentist, the smarmy candidate), others target slobs who
are the rabble (passengers in coach, customers at Kmart). The former POV
might be thought of as Democratic, the latter Republican. The Ds' motto is "We,
the People"; the Rs' motto is "Ew, the People." Ds want good seats at the game;
Rs want a corporate box near the game (equipped with a good television). Ds
proclaim, "We're in it together"; Rs assert, "I'm in it to get you." Ds knock
on tree trunks; Rs hold a leaf in their mouth and clip bits off in a noisy way.
No, wait, sorry, that last thing refers to different ways chimpanzee males
attract females, evidence of true cultural variation among the apes, not one of
whom formally announced his candidacy yesterday.
Take a Hike,
Granny, Answer
He must cut their hair.
Michael Damico, owner and operator of the Michael
Giovan hair salon in New York, refuses to serve women over 25. He was
astonished to learn about public access laws, but both the Department of
Consumer Affairs and the Commission on Human Rights have been filling him in.
"Next, I suppose you'll be saying I can't turn away Jews," he didn't add.
And on a personal note
from admired News Quiz regular Beth Sherman: "This man cut my hair two years
ago. Couldn't have been creepier."
Either/Or
Extra
"Families deserve refuge from a culture of violence and mayhem."-- Al
Gore is either treating us all to an evening at Chuck E. Cheese's or
launching his run for the White House.
"That's pretty much an accomplishment that won't happen, unfortunately for
basketball and America."-- Phil Jackson , the new Los Angeles Lakers
coach, refers either to the stoning of Michael Eisner at halftime during the
NBA finals or to Michael Jordan coming out of retirement yet again.
"Customer expectations will drive changes in vehicles if that's what
customers want."-- Gloria Berquist , spokeswoman, explains why the
Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers is either willing to produce a new
gasoline-soaked-paper car or is unwilling to accept any more damn safety
regulations.
"One hundred thirteen years of our success has been based on the trust
consumers have in that quality."-- Douglas Ivester , Coca-Cola chief
executive, reassures Belgians that they either will be able to rely on steady
supplies of new Fever-, Nausea-, and Headache-Inducing Coke or they won't.
"There's a protest here. There's a protest there. There's a protest
everywhere ."--New York Mayor Giuliani is either reading from his
new children's book or displaying his trademark dismissiveness and contempt for
citizens who disagree with him, in this case street vendors he's throwing out
of work.
"Our school systems teach the children that they are nothing but glorified
apes who are evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud."--Either Tom
DeLay 's surprisingly tasty mud soup now contains zesty chunks of real ape,
or the House whip is blaming gun violence on Charles Darwin.
"This is cultural behavior."-- Andrew Whiten of the Scottish Primate
Research Group is either mustering a rather limp defense of Tom DeLay or
reporting surprising findings about chimpanzee life.
Common
Denominator
Sex, death, and dentistry.
