No. 264: "The $156K Problem"
Overheard at
Sotheby's Tuesday: "My intention is to do whatever he indicates to me he wants
done with them. He may want them returned. He may want me to destroy them. He
may not care at all." You make the prediction: Who will want whom to do
what?
Send
your answer by noon ET Thursday to [email protected] .
Tuesday's Question
(No. 263)--"Exchanging Glances":
Despite a recent clash of gunboats, yesterday a South Korean
freighter delivered something to the North Korean port of Nampo, the first part
of a trade between the two nations. What is being swapped for
what?
"Slaves for rum. And then the United States supplies the cane sugar, and ...
No, wait, hang on. I may have this wrong."-- Tim Carvell
"North
Korea gives up its dreams of agrarian reform under collectivism; South Korea
gives up a phantom economy built on cronyism and kickbacks; the International
Monetary Fund just gives up."--Mike Pesca
"The
South generously agreed to trade the North its position in
Salon.com."-- Bill Wasik
"Episodes of M*A*S*H for kimchi. Yes, that is all I know about Korea.
What of it?"-- Daniel Radosh
"I
don't know. And neither does George W. Bush."-- Peter Lerangis
Click
for more answers.
Randy's
Wrap-Up
I'd just like to point
out, in case you were planning a satirical musical comedy about the crisis in
question, something you can do to a song from West Side Story : "Korea,
I've just met a place called Korea!" This you cannot do with "Kosovo" without
offending the rhythm and a sense of human decency. An early version of this
sort of thing that I recall with particular pleasure was Mad magazine's
East Side Story --that being the location of the United Nations.
Khrushchev, the leader of the Jets, sang, "When you're a Red you're a Red all
the way from your first party purge to your last power play." As a 12-year-old,
that's where I learned about party purges, and about Khrushchev for that
matter. Back then--and is there a more demoralizing phrase?-- Mad was
prized as the only satirical voice reaching suburban adolescents. Now with
plenty of smart comedy aimed at kids-- The Simpsons and Letterman
come to mind-- Mad is as superfluous and weary as the grandfather we
shunted into that nursing home. (Was that us? Certainly not. It was the
neighbors. Bastards.) In fact, I've just renewed my daughter's subscription.
She seems to enjoy it, and I may yet be in the mood to read a movie parody
called "Star Drech."
Market Value
Answer
In exchange for 200,000 tons of fertilizer from
South Korea, North Korea will discuss family reunions.
Some conjecture that Sigmund Freud will rise from
his grave to discuss the equating of fertilizer with family, of shit with
mother, then take in a movie, perhaps that charming Notting Hill , then
continue being dead. (And by "some" I, of course, mean "me.")
The first round of
talks, held in Beijing Tuesday, was largely devoted to trading accusations over
last week's naval skirmishes and complaining about the accommodations in the
hotel, except for the part about the hotel.
Discontented
Extra
All the following
remarks could have been made by arrogant senior executives at Coca-Cola, drunk
on their own power probably mixed with rum--and it's kicky summer fun to think
of them that way--but none was. Can you match each with its actual disappointed
speaker?
The
Disdain:
1. "We don't like you; and that's been my motto my
whole life, growing up."
2. "I was probably too nervous, not much believing
what I can do."
3. [It was] "grave and irregular."
4. [She has] "a deep feeling of remorse."
5. "I'm tired of the
divisiveness up here."
The
Speakers:
A. A money-hungry Salon staffer wishes its
IPO had yielded bigger bucks and that other online magazines would just die or
something.
B. Grumpy Knicks forward Larry Johnson assesses
non-Knicks, and--if I can go out on a limb here, and bear in mind I'm just
speculating--Tina Brown.
C. Apologetic tennis great Martina Hingis seems to
resent her absent mother, although I've not actually seen her in a clinical
setting.
D. Crotchety Shimon Peres wishes Israeli police
hadn't shot his fellow MP Azmi Bishara, but he doesn't wish it all that hard.
"I didn't come here to denounce," he said at Lod City Hall. "I'm here to enjoy
a lobster dinner, away from the prying eyes of certain pushy rabbis who ...
whoops!" he didn't add.
E. Exasperated Jeb Bush is pretty sure his
spendthrift wife, Columba, wishes either that she hadn't bought "$19,000 worth
of clothes and jewelry on her Paris shopping spree," or wishes that she hadn't
tried to smuggle them through customs, or wishes that she hadn't got caught.
One of those.
F. Disdainful Coke executives sneer at the
misfortunes of ... Nah, of course they don't. Responsible corporate citizens
every one. (Although I've not actually seen them in a clinical setting.)
G. Cranky Orrin Hatch is
annoyed that everyone doesn't just agree with him, and he thinks the best
remedy is to mount a futile run for the presidency.
The
Answers:
1-B, 2-C, 3-D, 4-E,
5-G.
Greg Diamond's
Ongoing Extra
There's still time to
mock the AFI's Greatest Legends List of movie stars by devising a brief
plot summary of a movie in which any equally ranked pair--for instance Kirk
Douglas and Lillian Gish are both rated No. 17--should have co-starred.
Inspirational example:
No. 18 Sunrise
Boulevard --A young screenwriter (James Dean) falls under the spell of a
disturbingly sexually precocious child movie star (Shirley Temple) who lives
alone in her Hollywood mansion with a dead monkey and an ancient tap-dancing
Negro butler.
Common
Denominator
M*A*S*H was set in Korea.
