ArticleIP_52633.txt

   
   
      
         
            Shucking a Bad Seed

            

               
                  Please send your questions for publication to [email protected].
               
            

            
               
                  Dear
Prudie,
               
            

            
               My friends and I regularly read your column and
just love it! Shameless flattery aside, we do have an issue and hope you can
help us. My brother-in-law is in a serious relationship with a friend of mine.
I actually introduced them at my wedding. The problem is that my friend treats
my brother-in-law (and everyone else, for that matter) like dirt. She yells at
him, tells him what to do, what to wear, where to go, and how to spend his free
time. She is moody and extremely unpleasant to everyone. Needless to say, I
don't see much of her anymore. Anyway, we are afraid that my poor
brother-in-law, who does not have the benefit of very much experience in
relationships, will ask her to marry him.
            

            
               My family, my
husband's family, and our friends cannot stand her and dread having her at
family gatherings--to the point where we are all trying to figure out how not
to invite her to Thanksgiving or Christmas. In short, we want to say something
to him because we know that there are women out there who will treat him with
respect, courtesy, and affection. How can we tell him how we feel without
making him feel totally alienated?
            

            

               --Hopeful in Va.
            

            Dear Hope,

            Perhaps your brother-in-law views being emotionally
slapped around as foreplay? The woman you describe sounds like a cross between
a harridan and a dominatrix. However, even an inexperienced man knows when he
is being treated like a dog in obedience school. Prudie wonders why he thinks
this is all right. The loose thread here is that you say you don't see much of
her anymore, but she was a friend. Did her behavior change?

            In any case, since your
brother-in-law's nearest and dearest want to keep Miss Congeniality away from
holiday gatherings, Prudie suggests you and your coterie of concerned friends
decide on a designated yenta (which is how it may be perceived) and that person
must tell him flat out that people who care about him do not like the way he is
being treated, and they see dark days ahead. He will either respond with a
defense of his PMS poster girl, or confess that he is trying to end the
relationship. Either way, he will be made aware of the concern, which is really
all that outsiders can do. If he chooses to stay in the relationship and the
next gathering is a nightmare, simply tell him the woman makes for too much
discomfort and, although you will miss his presence, the greater good of the
group takes precedence and not to plan on further get-togethers. Worst case
scenario is that he will feel alienated, and his relationship with all
of you will be strained ... but just as friends don't let friends drive drunk,
neither do friends watch in silence as friends hook up with bitches.

            
--Prudie, directly

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               My mother, who is a charming woman in almost
all other respects, appears to have a grave problem staying employed. There is
a definite pattern afoot here: At first, the new job is wonderful, the people
scintillating and fabulous, the work enticing and exciting. After a few months,
trouble begins to brew--invariably with her supervisor. What follows is less a
slide down a slippery slope than a professional avalanche that results in
either a dismissal or a narrow escape to the next "dream job," where, of
course, the cycle repeats yet again.
            

            
               It is screamingly obvious to everyone who knows
and loves her that the trouble lies with my mother and not, as she would have
it, with the parade of horrible bosses fate has saddled her with. Needles to
say, as I write this letter, she is about to lose another job. She is 58. I
have tried gently to suggest therapy. I've sympathized and logged hours and
hours on the telephone listening to every sordid detail of every office slight,
all to no avail. I have even considered appealing to her current employer (with
whom I have a warm acquaintance) to overlook her nuttiness and keep her on
because, despite her Sturm und Drang office manner, she really is very
good at what she does.
            

            
               I admit a good deal
of my concern is self-motivated. With a modest income of my own and two
children to provide for, I fear if she loses this job, it will be her last,
leaving me to support her--and I know in advance that I can't let her end up in
a welfare hotel. But her chances for finding a replacement gig dwindle with
every lost job and every looming birthday. I would prefer to be my mother's
daughter than my mother's mother, but my resentment is building every day.
Prudie, what to do?
            

            

               --Distraught Daughter
            

            Dear Dis,

            What a thoughtful, insightful letter. While at some
point all grown-up children become, to a greater or lesser degree, parents to
their parents, your situation is complicated by, at best, a personality
disorder, and at worst, mental illness. Your mother's repeated manic initial
response to a job, then making a mess of it, is legitimate cause for concern.
What you must do now is confront your mother with the truth as tactfully and
forcefully as possible. Make clear that you are willing to be emotionally
supportive if she makes efforts to help herself but that financially you are
unable to have her as a dependent.

            For your own emotional
well-being, know that the worst case scenario may involve distancing yourself
if she will not acknowledge her problem. If she winds up "in the system,"
getting city or state supervised housing and therapy that may not be a bad
thing. This is sometimes the mental-health equivalent of an alcoholic hitting
bottom. You should also know that your evaluation of the situation is humane
and loving, and that, however things play out, you will have been a good and
caring daughter.

            
--Prudie, supportively

            

               
                  Prudence,
               
            

            
               Although one may
disagree with the ham-fisted way in which smokers were evicted from
restaurants, people like me with sensitive noses appreciate the result. It took
years for me to work up the courage to ask someone not to smoke near me, and
now I don't have to do that anymore. But a new terror has arisen. Recently, in
a crowded but fancy restaurant in the middle of the delicious main course, the
empty table next to ours was occupied by a group of people including a woman
wearing far too much perfume. It was overwhelming and made it literally
impossible to taste the food: Everything tasted like perfume. And then my nose
started to run. The expensive meal was ruined, but I didn't say a word. Should
I have? And to whom?
            

            

               --Allergic and Sniffly
            

            Dear All,

            In the particular situation you write about, you
could have asked the maitre d' to give you another table, assuming one was
available. In the big picture, however, overpowering scents are a burgeoning
problem, and Prudie shares your discomfort. Since there is no way to instruct a
strange woman to please hightail it to the ladies' room and wash off all that
Chanel No. 5 or to inform people that the scent they have chosen to pour all
over themselves is retch-inducing, those of us who are knocked out by perfume
are basically stuck. Moving one's location or leaving an establishment is about
as far as an offended party can go. Some places, however, have designated
themselves "scent-free zones," but certainly a small number. This may be the
wave of the future, however, because who would have thought, 10 years ago, that
you couldn't light up in a restaurant?

            One problem with
perfumes and colognes is that the wearer, for some strange reason, is not able
to smell when she or he has overdone it. And, surprise, men can be as guilty as
women. Also some ethnic groups tend to go in for excessive eau de whatever,
sometimes instead of bathing. And of course there are the tchotchke shops in
which one is overcome by potpourri, incense, scented candles, and sachet. Being
assaulted by smells unfortunately is an issue we can often do little about.
Maybe nose plugs?

            
--Prudie, sympathetically

            

               
                  Prudie,
               
            

            
               Regarding the letter
from "," I can tell you from experience that sisters do not take kindly to ANY
advice given them about raising their children. Sitting down and having a frank
discussion is asking to start World War III in the family. Better your
correspondent should be the aunt these girls can go to for advice, support,
kind words, etc. Better she should do everything in her power to be a role
model of acceptance and love and build up these girls' self-esteem at every
opportunity. If they spend time alone with her, so much the better. As for her
sister, mm could express her understanding of how difficult it must be to raise
these children, give her sister a chance to vent, mention classes or books that
might be helpful, but never, never make it personal. No finger-pointing or
superior attitudes, please. It never has a happy ending.
            

            

               --Four Sisters of My Own
            

            Dear Four,

            Thank you for adding
immeasurably to the discussion. You have firsthand knowledge of a situation
which Prudie, as an only child, could not have ... proving, again, that
experience has great value.

            --Prudie, gratefully