Kick Me
Not long ago, out of curiosity, I picked up some
exercise videos by Billy Blanks, the king of Tae-Bo. What a flop. The sets were
cheesy, the music was awful 1980s synth-pop, and despite their martial-arts
pretensions, the routines felt more like aerobics in disguise than like kung
fu. But after flailing away in my living room for a few nights, my interest was
piqued, and I decided to find out more about the real thing. Which martial art
teaches good self-defense tactics? Which one would give me a good aerobic
workout? How daunting would it be to jump into a class as a complete beginner?
And would I get pummeled by the other students?
To find out, I tried a handful of karate, tae kwon
do, aikido, jujitsu, and kung fu classes in the Seattle area. I scored each one
in several areas: how intimidating the class would be to a novice; how much the
exercises worked my muscles; how much of an I got; whether it would develop
coordination and balance; how much physical contact with other people was
involved; and, of course, its value in self-defense. All ratings are on a scale
of one to five, with five being the hardest, most intimidating, or most
valuable.
To experts, this will
look like a hopelessly biased and superficial inquiry. It is. But to beginners,
it is one step toward figuring out which martial art might be right for you. Do
you want a chance to kick the stuffing out of someone? Take tae kwon do. Do you
want to improve your sense of balance? Take karate. Do you want to know what to
do if someone tries to choke you? Take jujitsu. Just remember that if you're
jumped by a mugger, the only thing Tae-Bo will be good for is making your
attacker collapse into uncontrollable fits of laughter.
Kung Fu
Reputation: 1960s martial arts movies; Bruce Lee.
Intimidation
Factor: 4
In the all-levels group I
observed at Seven Star Women's Kung Fu, there were a dozen or so women dressed
completely in black. (Most classes I took were co-ed.) The school wouldn't let
me take the class--I could only watch--but that was better than Temple Kung Fu,
which made me sit for an interview before they'd even reveal any information on
their classes. There seemed to be an active screening process to keep out those
with only a casual interest.
Strength Workout:
3
After meditating for a
few minutes, students launched into traditional strengthening exercises
(push-ups and sit-ups) and then broke into pairs, with one person kicking pads
held by the other. It looked to be decent strength training. Their arms got a
good workout from the push-ups and punching; abs, from the sit-ups; and the
lower body, from the kicking. It was not extreme, and nobody seemed
exhausted.
Aerobic Workout:
2
After the strength work
and partner work, the class broke into a few groups (according to skill level)
and repeated choreographed routines called "kata ," which involve a
series of punches, kicks, and blocks with an imaginary foe. The class had
broken into a light sweat, but was not gasping for air.
Coordination and
Balance:
4
The rounded slinky
movements of the dancelike kata looked specifically designed to develop
grace, coordination, and balance.
Degree of Contact:
1
Almost none. No direct
body-to-body contact, but plenty of punching and kicking with pads.
Self-Defense Value:
2
The moves were neat to
look at, but they did not seem practical. And without sparring practice, it
would be difficult to apply the drills in real life.
Overall: Kicking, punching, and an aura of mystery.
Tae Kwon Do
Reputation: World's most popular martial art, new Olympic
sport; lots of kicking; the martial art of the 1990s.
Intimidation
Factor: 1
I was instantly welcomed
into the beginners class at Lee's Martial Arts. People called each other by
their first name; there was laughing, joking, and none of the aloofness or
self-importance of the kung fu class.
Strength Workout:
3
This rating is a little
misleading. The lower-body strength workout was fantastic--my legs and hips
were sore for days--but there was almost no strength training for the upper
body. We used our arms only for balance and blocking kicks.
Aerobic Workout:
5
We began with everyone
standing in lines and kicking into the air. Then we did a long series of
running drills up and down the mats. Then there was more kicking: Turning
kicks, straight kicks, low kicks, kicks with punching bags, kicks with partners
… the list goes on. It was an excellent workout.
Coordination and
Balance: 4
Learning how to make
contact with the pad (and not, say, the face of the person holding it) was
important. Balance was crucial in the sparring.
Degree of Contact:
4
At the end of class came
a session of sparring (which I, alas, was not allowed to participate in). The
students strapped on protective chest pads and helmets and began kicking the
stuffing out of each other.
Self-Defense
Value: 4
Tae kwon do emphasizes
sparring and gets students accustomed to dealing with an assault.
Overall: More a sport than an art; will make short work of
flabby legs.
Karate
Reputation: Ralph Macchio in The
Karate Kid ; the
martial art of the 1980s.
Intimidation
Factor: 1
When I watched a class at
the Feminist Karate Union, I asked some of the students how their class was
different from the Seven Star Women's Kung Fu class, which is held in the same
building. One woman immediately said, "Oh, kung fu? That's what the mean people
downstairs do." This class was approachable and open. And karate's so familiar
that you feel like you already know how to do it.
Strength Workout:
2
We started with sit-ups
and push-ups, which were the most demanding parts of the class. The kicking and
punching made for decent exercise, but I wasn't aching the next day.
Aerobic Workout:
3
The drills (lots of
punches, blocking, and kicking) provided some aerobic workout, but were not
particularly intense.
Coordination and
Balance: 4
Keeping yourself centered
while kicking and punching develops your balance.
Degree of Contact:
2
There was some contact in
the paired kicking drills with a partner and pads, but most of the physical
contact came during the sparring. Yet this was nothing like the tae kwon do
sparring: They weren't clocking each other, just repeating the motions of
punching and blocking over and over again.
Self-Defense Value:
2
This was entirely focused
on form; no full-force contact between students.
Overall: Kicks and punches galore, with a dash of moral and
spiritual teaching about self-discipline and obedience.
Aikido
Reputation: A greasy-haired Steven Seagal incapacitating the
enemy in Under Siege .
Intimidation
Factor: 1
Despite its reputation,
aikido is decidedly nonaggressive--it's about deflecting punches and
immobilizing your attacker--and there was a mellow, pleasantly upbeat
atmosphere to the class.
Strength Workout:
3
No sit-ups or push-ups,
but pulling and yanking on other people looked like it would build muscle, and
the rolls worked on your abs.
Aerobic Workout:
2
There was little aerobic
work, save for the rolling on the mats (which may explain Seagal's
ever-increasing flabbiness).
Coordination and
Balance: 5
The goal is to
destabilize and control the other guy, so maintaining your balance--and
learning to topple your opponent--is crucial.
Degree of Contact:
4
To complete the partner
exercises, you had to grab your partner, spin him this way and that, and
generally come in very close contact.
Self-Defense
Value: 5
Learning how to
neutralize a threat was the main goal of the class.
Overall: You don't get to land any punches and it's
noncompetitive, but you'll learn how to knock people over.
Tai Chi
Reputation: What those slow-moving people in the park are
doing; martial arts for seniors.
Intimidation
Factor: 1
I found its New Age
connections slightly off-putting, but it looks so easy to do that it wasn't
daunting.
Strength Workout:
2
While my heart didn't get
pumping, the slow, controlled movements did give my arms, legs, back, and
stomach a good resistance workout. You may just be working against gravity, but
holding your arms up in the air for several minutes will give you a new
appreciation for those slow-moving people in the park.
Aerobic Workout:
0
Tai chi involves moving
your body slowly in circular patterns, shifting weight from foot to foot, and
lifting your arms in rounded gestures, all at a pace slower than you ever
thought possible. The motions had names like "parting the wild horse's mane"
and "repulsing the monkey." I did not break a sweat, but I was bored to
tears.
Coordination and
Balance: 4
Balance and control of
your body position are the heart of this art.
Degree of Contact: 0
Self-Defense Value:
0
I learned how to repulse
a monkey, not a person.
Overall: A yawner, slightly embarrassing to perform, but I'm
sure if done correctly it brings high-quality inner peace.
Brazilian Jujitsu
Reputation: For hurting people.
Intimidation
Factor: 5
Although the listing in
the phone book advertised the "Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Academy," the sign on the
door said "Northwest Fight Club." Inside the club, huge holes had been punched
in the walls--some back-size, some fist-size. Huge letters painted on the wall
said "TRAIN & FIGHT HARD." The instructor, a handsome young Brazilian man,
had a long scar curling out from the left side of his mouth and a fresh-looking
purple one by his left eye. When I asked to try the class, he shrugged and lent
me a gi (the white outfit most martial artists wear), on the back of which was
a drawing of massive snarling pit bull and the slogan "PIT PULLING PURE POWER."
I wondered if I was going to need an ambulance to take me home.
Strength Workout:
5
The next day every inch
of my body was sore--my stomach, arms, legs, feet, and neck. For Olympians
only.
Aerobic Workout:
5
This ranks as one of the
hardest and most complete workouts I've ever had. After some stretching, we
launched directly into hundreds of lightning-fast sit-ups, crunches, push-ups,
leg lifts, and scissor kicks. I was quickly panting and my face turned a deep
fuchsia. We did forward and backward rolls, learned to escape from various
holds, and executed the sort of belly-crawl that marines always seem to be
doing in movies about basic training. After an hour and a half I felt close to
death, but there was still another hour to go.
Coordination and
Balance: 2
Coordination is
important, but since you're tussling on a mat most of the time, balance
isn't.
Degree of Contact:
5
After drills, the
instructor paired me with Isabella for partner work. He demonstrated how to get
Isabella into choke-holds and leg-locks, as well as how to escape from them. We
practiced on each other. It was a little unnerving to be choking Isabella so
soon after meeting her, but she didn't seem to mind. I learned how to go from
sitting on top of her with a knee in her stomach to a position where her arm
was between my legs and I could break it over my stomach. The end of the class
was spent with full-on grappling. Getting your face mashed into someone's
armpit was de rigueur .
Self-Defense
Value: 5
Jujitsu's
few-holds-barred grappling is far more effective when push comes to shove (and
worse) than standing arts such as karate.
Overall:
Lots of grappling, throwing, and choking. Pragmatic, not pretty. High badass
quotient.
