No. 339: "Bird in Hand"
On Nov. 6 in New
Jersey, volunteers opened crates and pulled out pheasants, then, holding them
by the legs, spun the birds around to make them dizzy; this is one feature of a
program whose uneasy combination of private and state funding is drawing
increasing criticism nationwide. What is the program called?
Send
your answer by noon ET Thursday to [email protected] .
Tuesday's Question (No.
338)--"Super-standard":
In part to accommodate older people, federal standards now mandate that
new ones be 6 inches tall--2 inches taller than the old ones. New
what?
"The
type size of Kervorkian's 800 number in his Yellow Pages ad."-- Michael
Koegel
"The
wheelchair ramp that leads directly to Anna Nicole Smith's bed."-- Jon
Hotchkiss (You see, she likes old people.)
"Tiny,
yapping dogs."-- Tim Carvell ( Dan Dickinson had a similar
answer.)
"Curbs. Oh, the fun we'll have watching geezers struggle to get out of the
street before the light changes!"-- Chris Hammett
"Those
old 4-inch magic elves were completely useless for anything except making
shoes."-- Francis Heaney
Click
for more answers.
Randy's Wrap-Up
Among many native
peoples, the elderly are cherished and respected for their funny smell. That's
what I learned in Anthropology 101 from a professor who had to be at least 110,
kept on the job by tenure and a network of Teflon tubing that functioned much
like an actual large intestine. Who can blame him for lying to the gullible
young? He had every reason to be angry: Old age is an unforgivable insult.
Consider the sex lives of older Americans. (As did most quiz participants, with
disturbing vividness.) The elderly are damned if they do and damned if they
don't; damned and mocked if they can't; and damned, mocked, and pointed out by
the neighbors if they can but only with pharmacological aids or an elaborate
arrangement of winches and pulleys. The sad fact of an extended life span is
that you get those extra years tacked on at the end, extending your frailty and
neglect, not added to your 20s, extending your time in ersatz anthropology
classes. The other horrifying consequence of a greatly extended life
span--Strom Thurmond's ass. Thank you! Great to be back!
Big Answer
New standards specify 6-inch letters on street
signs so elderly drivers can read them.
"They're just a lot easier to see," says Lou
Gerard, highway superintendent of Clifton Park, N.Y., where they've begun
switching to the new signs at $50 a pop each time an old one must be
replaced.
The Federal Highway
Administration predicts that by 2020--and I know a cheap joke when I see it,
especially from some smarty-pants highway administrator--one out of five
drivers will be 65 or older. And damn mad about Medicare.
Holiday Shopping
Extra
Every commercial enterprise makes assumptions about
its customers. Judging by WIRELESS , a catalog for fans and friends of
public radio, Jesse Helms can quit worrying. NPR listeners are bland, white,
Midwestern, and very, very old--more likely to watch birds than to man
barricades. (Assuming that the birds are at least 6 inches high.) Below, some
actual sample products.
RADIO-CONTROL MOUSE: "gets even the laziest cat on the prowl."-- At last,
science has taken the drudgery out of playing with your kitty and reduced the
risk of breaking your hip.
HANDY GIFT FOR A HANDYMAN: "a collection of reproduction nails and the
history behind them."-- The energy you save by not playing with your cat, you
can save all over again with these pre-collected nails.
BASS FISHING MONOPOLY; GOLF MONOPOLY-- coming soon, Substandard Nursing
Home Monopoly, Constant Joint Pain Monopoly, Gradual Loss of Memory
Monopoly.
SHIRTS WITH FUNNY SLOGANS-- the greatest affront of all to the dignity of
older Americans, including the following:
When Did My Wild Oats Turn Into Shredded Wheat
In Dog Years, I'm Dead
As Bad as the Kids
This Shirt Condescends to Me
Please Treat Me Like an Enfeebled Old Drooler
The Above Two Don't Actually Exist
Neither Does That One or This
BERNADETTE PETERS IN CONCERT VIDEO: "sings, sashays, and shimmers through
her favorite Broadway songs. …This is your chance to experience her famed pig
Latin rendition of 'We're in the Money.' "-- as good an argument as you'll
ever see for the Right To Die. Ustjay ootay utecay orfay ordsway.
Read more about it at
www.wirelesstoo.com
if you dare.
Al Cloutier's Right-On
Chant Against Submarine Service Sexism Extra
(See you all at the big demo.)
Foggo
Froggo
Hoggo
Gog and Magoggo
Foggo Foggo, looks like a Doggo!
Leggo my Foggo
Troggolodyte
Faggo
Fucko
Groggo Noggin
Common
Denominator
That crazy Viagra. It's wild. And funny. Like
Chaucer. And his enormous yet embarrassing penis.
