Grocery Store Grazer
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Dear
Prudence,
I would appreciate your views about an experience I had recently. I
was at the supermarket buying bulk candy (a confection called "Hokey Pokey").
It's in a bin, you scoop it into a bag, write the bin number on the twist-tie,
and pay for it by the pound at the checkout. As I was writing the bin number on
the tie, I noticed a woman politely waiting for me to finish. I moved out of
the way, then she--I know you see this coming--scooped up a handful of Hokey
Pokey and popped it in her mouth. I didn't say or do anything, and now I wish I
had.
It's irritating
enough that I and other shoppers have to cover the cost of in-store snacks for
her and others. But I have recently become a parent and wonder how I should
react to this type of situation if I were with an inquisitive child. Do you
think I should have said something to the woman? Should I have told the
manager? I'm interested in your opinion.
--R. in St. Paul, Minn.
Dear R.,
This is one of those public issues where the act
seems minor, but the collective price is significant. It is of course, as you
perceived, an ethical lapse. As for the questions you raise, Prudie thinks you
were correct not to say anything because that would have undoubtedly led to a
brouhaha in the aisle--perhaps with some Hokey Pokey being lobbed. It would
also have seemed petty to go to the manager and tattle--mostly because he would
probably have been disinclined to approach her and say, "I was informed you've
been eating the Hokey Pokey." Arrests at candy bins are probably rare.
Had Prudie been there,
in lieu of saying anything, she might have made eye contact with the woman and
then raised an eyebrow, the message being "My dear, what behavior!" If your
child was old enough to witness the candy bin caper and wondered why the woman
was eating from the bin, you would have been perfectly within the bounds of
propriety to say, "You are quite right. What the lady is doing is dishonest,
but we are not in charge of other people." If the transgressor were to hear
this, you'd be in the clear because you would not have been talking to her ...
and she would be just as embarrassed as if you had been. In sum, what you
witnessed was petty thievery, not someone poisoning the city water supply, and
no person was being harmed. You did the correct thing by not trying to be a
policeman. The key to the question: To intervene or not to intervene, is
judgment. That's what it's all about.
--Prudie, judiciously
Dear
Prudence,
I have a situation.
I have a good friend of the opposite sex who I've known for three years.
Although he was initially attracted to me, the feeling wasn't mutual, so we
became platonic friends. He even got married recently. The thing is, we've
become closer--and now I'm attracted to him. We haven't had sex, but a frolic
or two has occurred. Since I've never thought of myself as "the other woman"
type, we are not hanging out again until this goes away. His friendship is
important to me, and I take those duties seriously. Do you think we can go back
to being really good friends sans frolic? Or does my wish to be a good friend
require severing the relationship? Help!!!!
--Where the Hell Did This Come From?
Dear Where,
It is quite likely that
you are suffering from the Grass-Is-Greener Syndrome. And, oh, to know what a
frolic is! The image it suggests to your steadfast adviser is of two children
dancing in a meadow ... though Prudie knows this can't be what you mean. And
when you say the friendship is on hold "until this goes away," what, exactly,
is "this"? The wife? The marriage? The attraction? Perhaps what needs to go
away is you; that is, put the kibosh on the get-togethers. The electricity is
not going to diminish, because most men like to ... frolic. If you are sincere
about being a friend, you will save him from himself by keeping your distance.
Not entirely unmarried men are seldom worth the trouble.
--Prudie, definitively
Dear
Prudence,
Having read many cases in which you handled
tricky situations very adeptly, I am hoping you can help me do the same with
mine. I have known a good friend for several years now (we are both graduate
students within a small department), and we've always gotten along very well.
However, I have noticed that there is a great turnover in her circle of friends
each year as people inevitably get dropped. To compensate, she always seems to
turn to a new crowd (usually new arrivals in the department) about whom she is
wild for a while, until the ardor cools. Several people have noticed that she
pursues people to add to her collection of friends, and she takes great pride
in bragging about all the people she knows. She is intelligent, attractive, and
friendly, but it seems to me she turns on the extroversion to hide
insecurity.
Having been her
friend for years and watched this happen again and again, I had thought I was
immune. But alas, in the last months I seem to have been increasingly
blacklisted. She still refers to me as a friend, but I feel I am treated quite
coldly now. I hate to see this hurtful pattern continue. Prudie, work your
magic!
--Newest Odd Man Out
Dear New,
OK, abracadabra: Clap
your hands together three times and say, "All right, I'm out of this game." The
"friend" sounds like the kind of person we used to call "a user" in junior
high, or "a narcissist" in grown-up psychological circles. At best, this
soi-disant queen bee is fickle, so what is there about the friendship
that is of value? Since it's easier to change one's own behavior than that of
another, you might want to consider why this person is important to you. There
is perhaps an element of your having felt like the chosen one--someone so
marvelous that even a notoriously picky person could not discard you. This is
not what friendship is about. Prudie is sympathetic, however, because
narcissistic people are often attractive. The problem is that they're not worth
it.
--Prudie, magically
Dear
Prudie,
My dilemma has to do
with one-upmanship. A close relative, my father's oldest sister, has a terrible
habit of having "the worst case the doctor ever saw," or "the worst (whatever)
the mechanic ever dealt with." No matter what difficulties anyone else present
has, hers are always worse. Our family get-togethers seem more like a meeting
of pathologists, each trying to dredge up more horrific experiences. How can I
keep this from happening at our upcoming family reunion? (I am hosting it.) I
am aware that this woman is very emotionally needy, but it's all getting to be
too much.
--B.D.
Dear B.,
Where is your sense of
humor? The battle of the calamities is really kind of funny--and if you're onto
it, so must everyone else be. Actually, it sounds like a nice change from the
more common, "My neurologist is the best in the country." Those who truck in
superlatives are recognized by thinking people as loose talkers and are not
taken very seriously. Prudie doesn't see what the harm is, and perhaps some
light joshing in Auntie's direction--since she seems to egg on everyone
else--might advance your goal of diminishing the family game of "Can You Top
This?"
--Prudie,
pragmatically
