What Al Gore Doesn't Want You To Know
Dear Mim:
If, as I postulated in my book, Hello Kitty is a
conspiracy of very small girls to take over the world, I wish they would hurry
up and get their act together, because I absolutely do not think they could do
a worse job than very rich, old and middle-aged men. I say this with some
authority since I have discovered conclusively that world may well be about to
end.
This information came from the unlikely source of the
normally ultraconservative London Sunday Telegraph ,
in which Jenny McCartney reports how a United Nations science project has
discovered things are much worse than we hitherto imagined. A quarter of the
world's mammals are at serious risk of extinction, 80 percent of the forests
have now been cleared, and most coral reefs are either dead or dying. This is
not to mention the huge chunks of ice that keep falling off Antarctica, or the
radiation fallout from the Japanese nuclear plant accident that we're expecting
momentarily here on the West Coast. I'm somewhat surprised our imminent demise
has been ignored by the U.S. media, and entirely disappointed that the
Post couldn't have come up with a headline like
"Planet Earth--Fat Lady About To Sing." Even Al (Eco-boy) Gore has kept quiet
on this one, although I suspect his handlers told him to ix-nay on the
pocalypse-ay, not only because folks don't want to hear the bad news but also
because of all those voters who believe that the United Nations will annex the
country during Y2K chaos, take away our guns, and put us all in camps. (Believe
me, they're out there. I met of lots of them while I was promoting my
conspiracy book.)
Since I'm about as daunted by the prospect of walking
around with a sign saying "The End Is At Hand" as you are by public speaking, I
will take the entirely selfish way out. Feed the cat, hope things hold together
long enough for my next two novels to get into print, watch a lot of E! Channel
TV, and resume all vices, since mere self-destruction no longer matters. It'd
be nice to make enough money to spend the last days in the Roppongi red-light
district of Tokyo. I was there with my band earlier in the year and it seemed
the perfect place to spend Armageddon. The Hello Kitty uprising might also be
in full swing. Tiny schoolgirls with automatic weapons putting Klebold and
Harris to shame.
I don't believe Bob Dylan wears a toupee, but I will ask
Susan, she knows about these things. (There is no hair inside the Gates of
Eden?) My last word on the Backstreet Boys is that Howard Stern has a
magnificent parody of "I Want It That Way" called "Get KY."
If nothing more fascinating comes up, remind me tomorrow
to tell you why George W. is really being given so much money to get elected.
My authority on this is no less than Jane's Defense
Weekly , so watch out. Also, did you see that the Enquirer has an interview with the mother of one of Kathie Lee's
slave garment workers in El Salvador? Maybe this world should be doomed.
Love,
Mick
