Nattering Nabob of Solipsism
Tucker:
Hmmph. And I feared the whole subject of children's books was a little
lowbrow for the Breakfast Table. Maybe better for the Book Club ("Today in
Slate
, Bob Herbert and Susan Sarandon on whether the felonious
monkeys in Caps for Sale should be put to death."). One final word on
George and Martha, courtesy of my wife: James Marshall, the author of the
series, lived for a while in far West Texas, and he's buried in the tiny town
of Marathon. So we're not all bad.
Didja see Safire today? Another one of his sommelier numbers, in which he
removes a candidate's cork and sniffs it in full view of the electorate. Who
died and made him the judge of a pol's worthiness? (For that matter, Tucker,
who died and made us judge?) I don't mind his taking Bradley's foreign policy
speech apart: I appreciate his listening to it and analyzing it so I don't have
to (I would have had to find toothpicks to keep my eyes open), but the whole
"oracle of wisdom" aspect to his approach is beginning to tick me off. When you
read one of his columns these days, or at least when I do, you get the sense
that it's more about him than it is about it or them; the phrase "nattering
nabob of solipsism" suddenly springs to mind. There's a great story about his
self-importance circulating down here in Austin. Do you remember a couple of
weeks ago when Safire wrote in two consecutive columns about coming to see
Bush? As I understand it, he called Karen Hughes, Bush's communications
director, on, like, a Thursday, and said, "I'm coming Tuesday." Not "Can I
come?" but "I'm coming." Karen supposedly said, "Well, the governor's going to
be out of town," to which Safire responded, "No, you don't understand, I'm
coming Tuesday." P.S., Bush changed his schedule. Can you imagine David Broder
pulling that crap? If the story's true, it lends credence to a theory I have
about Safire. My daughter and I were watching The Wizard of Oz over the
holidays (which I'm sure Team Carlson wasn't, since it was on TV), and it
occurred to me that there's a bit of Oz in Safire: He seems all-powerful and
scary, someone you have to bow before to curry favor, but when you pull the
curtain back he's just a nebbishy guy who used to write speeches for Nixon. If
things had gone differently, he could be the Reform Party frontrunner and Pat
Buchanan could be doing a twice-weekly column called--what? "Heil
Everybody"?
If Safire were Oz, what would he give the various Republican candidates
before tonight's debate? A brain for Bush. (Sorry, Karen, couldn't resist.) A
heart for Alan Keyes. A chill pill for McCain, since he obviously doesn't need
courage. And how's about self-awareness for Orrin Hatch, who's at least
pretending that he has a chance in hell of breaking the 1 percent threshold in
a state other than Utah? I thought, actually, we might spend some time today
talking about the debate, which I fear is going to be unnatural and
unrevealing. It's not like we're going to learn anything about these guys other
than who prepped well and who's prone to flop sweat under the klieg lights. I
know I sound like Nick Lemann, but it's about as accurate a measure of true
intelligence as the SAT; idiots make the Ivy League, so why not the White
House? In a real crisis--say, a nuclear conflict with Russia--no president will
have spent four days debating a stand-in for Yelstin. Rather than test the
candidates in such a formal setting, we ought to catch them off-guard. Life is
off-guard, right? But then we're getting dangerously close to the realm of the
pop quiz, and we all know where that got us last time.
Before I go, I want to revise and extend my remarks about Drudge: This
morning he has not one but two links to stories about the Clintons' personal
lives. One says Hillary's going to use her maiden name in her Senate bid, and
the other says Hillary and Bill are going to divorce the minute he's out of
office. Drudge teases each by saying they come from a "paper," but when you
click on the link, you learn they come from a supermarket tab Star and
National Enquirer , respectively. Next he'll be linking us to the
Weekly World News . The Hartford Courant was right: Drudge is
toast.
Regards,
Evan
