Flytrap Goes for Baroque
It is a popular view among
pundits that Flytrap has entered what they like to call its "endgame." But I
think the scandal has moved into a very different phase: the Baroque.
Here's
what I mean. Flytrap as a journalistic enterprise is in a holding pattern.
Everyone is waiting--for leaks about Monica Lewinsky's testimony, for the DNA
tests, for Clinton's grand jury day. There is a vacuum of genuinely new
information.
Punditry abhors a vacuum. So, in the absence of news,
journalists and analysts are concocting ever more ornate theories to explain
what could be happening, sculpting the long available info into gaudy new
patterns. Some of these theories are based on intelligent guesswork. Some
belong to the "I have a friend who has a friend who talked to the president who
said ..." school. Some are malicious rumor. Some are wishful thinking. Some may
even have a tenuous relationship to an actual fact. But, at bottom, all are
founded on essentially the same knowledge base: none.
The result: spectacular
theories, tales decorated with filigree and gilded rosettes and stucco clouds.
Since these may be the final few days before real new facts about Flytrap
emerge, let's take a last chance to revel in the Baroque. Having spent the past
few days collecting theories from colleagues, sources, and other scandalholics,
I offer you a few of the best (divided into appropriate categories).
The "She Still Loves Him"
Theories
1) The main source of leaks
about the dress, the answering machine messages, the talking points, and
Monica's testimony is none other than Monica herself (through her lawyers). Why
would she leak? Because she still adores him, and she wants to signal him about
how he can protect himself when he testifies.
2) Monica is testifying only
because she wants to force Clinton to admit their love affair to the world.
3) The dress is a sham.
There are no stains. Monica gave it to Starr to discredit his investigation and
save Clinton.
Other
Theories About the Dress Not Contingent on Monica Loving Him
1) Monica, ever imaginative,
bragged about the dress to Linda Tripp even though it was just an ordinary
dress. When Starr negotiated with her, he asked about it. Monica then used the
dress as a bargaining chip to guarantee her full immunity, even though she knew
there was nothing on it. Since she has full immunity, it doesn't hurt her if
it's bogus.
2) There is semen on the
dress, but it's not Clinton's. Monica, in her usual mendacious way, lied to
Tripp about it.
3) FBI agents leaked the
existence of the dress as a favor to Secret Service agents. They wanted to
signal the agents that there is plenty of damning evidence of an affair, so
that the agents would know not to lie to protect Clinton.
Wag
the Dog Theories
There are, believe it or
not, four separate scenarios suggesting that Clinton may use a war abroad to
distract attention from his war at home. Kosovo, Iraq (thanks to artfully timed
obstinacy by Saddam Hussein), and India-Pakistan are subjects of the widest
speculation. My favorite Wag the Dog target is St. Kitts, a Caribbean
island where a local drug dealer (Charles "Little Nut" Miller) has threatened
to murder American students at the island's veterinary school if the United
States tries to extradite him. St. Kitts = Clinton's Grenada.
The
Hillary Theories
1) Clinton wants to apologize
but is afraid to because he never told Hillary about Monica. (She did not mind
his Gennifer Flowers affair, because she knew about it.) Clinton fears she will
hate/divorce/abandon/kill him if he admits the affair.
2) Very similar to "Hillary
Theory 1": Hillary won't let him apologize because she has spent so much of her
own credibility defending him ("vast right-wing conspiracy," etc.). She refuses
to be made to look like a gullible fool.
The
Right-Wing Conspiracy Theory
Lewinsky belonged to a
devious, long-term Republican conspiracy with, as one advocate of the theory
puts it, "instructions to orally seduce the president in order to assure
positive transfer of his semen (positive proof of sexual acts) on an article of
her clothing." Thus she kept the dress, knowing that her affair was going to be
made public by her good friend Linda Tripp months later, and she would have a
chance to produce the dress as evidence.
The
Non-Right-Wing Conspiracy Theory
Last fall (months before her
existence was revealed to the public), a Secret Service officer warned Bob Dole
to avoid a neighbor in the Watergate named Monica Lewinsky. The officer told
Dole that Lewinsky and Clinton had had an affair and that Dole should take
special care not to be seen or photographed with her, because it would lend
credence to theories that the affair is a right-wing conspiracy and that Monica
was a bimbo plant.
The
Mea Culpa Theories
1) The White House has
already contacted the networks to reserve television time (on either Aug. 16 or
Aug. 17) for a Clinton apology.
2) White House staffers,
including Chief of Staff Erskine Bowles, are contacting members of Congress to
see how they would react to a mea culpa .
The
Internal Dissent Theories
1) A corollary to "Mea
Culpa 2" above. White House staffers are not contacting members of
Congress about a mea culpa , but they are leaking the story that they are
contacting members. They are doing this to pressure Clinton to apologize. They
must use the media and rumor to communicate with the president, because they
are not allowed to talk to him about Flytrap directly.
2) Bruce
Lindsey is about to turn on Clinton to save himself. Or, more plausibly,
Lindsey just had back surgery in order to delay his testimony. Now he won't
testify till after Clinton, giving Lindsey a chance to mold his story to
support the president.
Some of the conspiracies are so peculiar, so
much the product of an alien genius that they can't be categorized. These come
untouched from the inky void of Flytrap, both courtesy of
Slate
readers:
1) The Starr investigation
is not focusing on Lewinsky and obstruction of justice. It is really concerned
with White House drug use. Tripp testified for eight days, because she was
providing evidence about narcotics.
2) Clinton is not planning
either to apologize or to fight the Lewinsky allegations. In fact, having
implemented his entire political agenda and revived the economy, he is
preparing to resign.
Remember what comes after
the Baroque era: the Enlightenment.
A final note on another
subject. During her 20 second press briefing (that's a briefing!) last night,
Lewinsky spokeswoman Judy Smith offered this absurd bit of one-upmanship.
Monica, declared Smith, testified "truthfully, completely, and honestly."
Why is this significant?
Clinton, you see, promised only to testify "completely and truthfully." What
about "honestly," Mr. President?
