The Midterm Exam
President
Clinton has left for vacation and the American people may or may not be "moving
on," but Flytrap surely remains. The Speech may have guaranteed Clinton's
survival, but it won't prevent more testimony by Monica and Linda, a possible
presidential subpoena, a tough report by Starr, and congressional impeachment
hearings. So, before
Slate
heads off on a short vacation of its
own, I propose a Flytrap midterm: 20 questions to help keep you busy during the
August scandal doldrums. Plenty of mysteries about Flytrap remain. Here's your
chance to guess their solutions. (In this test, as in the SAT, you won't know
the results for months.)
1 What did Hillary really know, and when did
she know it?
a) Nothing until he told her
this weekend. She truly believed him.
b) Suspicions all along but
no certainty till this weekend.
c) Everything as soon as the
scandal broke in January.
d)
Everything even before the scandal broke.
2. Starr
watchers insist he's building a much stronger case against Clinton than a
simple sex/perjury allegation. So what is Starr hiding up his sleeve?
a) Evidence of obstruction of
justice involving the Lewinsky gifts and job offers.
b) Evidence of suborning
perjury involving the "Talking Points." (See Question 5.)
c) Evidence of suborning
perjury in the Kathleen Willey matter.
d) Lots more nasty details
about Clinton's sex life.
e) Some or all of the
above.
f)
Something else altogether.
3 Clinton may have denied that he committed
perjury in the Jones deposition, because he believes what he did with Lewinsky
did not technically violate the definition of "sexual relations. Well, what did
Clinton and Lewinsky actually do?
a) Oral sex for him, nothing
for her; perhaps skirting the Jones definition.
b) Mutual masturbation,
skirting the Jones definition.
c) Oral sex for both,
clearly violating the Jones definition.
d) Any
other alternative, undoubtedly too icky to be discussed here but clearly
violating the Jones definition.
4. What
was one, just one, of the questions that Clinton refused to answer?
Insert
your extremely graphic question here.
5. Who
really wrote the Talking Points?
a) Monica. We mean it.
b) Bill Clinton, dictated to
Monica.
c) Bruce Lindsey, dictated
to Monica.
d) Linda Tripp.
e) A
handsome, mysterious stranger.
6 Why wasn't Clinton more contrite and less
aggressive during The Speech?
a) Hillary urged him to fight
back, not roll over.
b) He knew Starr wouldn't
care how apologetic he was, so he decided to take the offensive and win the PR
war.
c) He isn't sorry and doesn't
think he lied.
d) All of
the above.
7. Who
made the first move, Monica or Bill?
a) Monica.
b)
Bill.
8. Will
Hillary stick with Bill or ditch him like a hot potato as soon as he is out of
office?
a) Stick.
b)
Ditch.
9 How low must Clinton's approval ratings
sink before Republicans pursue impeachment?
a) 70 percent.
b) 60 percent.
c) 50 percent.
d) 40 percent.
e) How
can you be so cynical? His poll numbers are irrelevant. They will impeach him
if he has committed impeachable offenses, no matter how popular he is.
10. Will
the Lewinsky tapes ever be released? If so, will they destroy Clinton's
reputation?
a) Yes, yes (because they're
so much worse than we imagine).
b) Yes, no (because we have
already imagined the worst).
c) Yes, no (because Monica
will sound too flaky to take seriously).
d) No,
no.
11 Did Clinton's aides really believe his
denials? If yes, why? If no, why didn't they quit?
a) No, they really didn't
think it mattered.
b) No, they didn't want to
embarrass the administration.
c) Yes, they trusted him
absolutely.
d) Yes, they never asked.
e) Yes,
they were willfully delusional.
12. With
whom did Clinton plot cover stories to cover up the Lewinsky affair?
a) With Betty Currie about
the gifts and Monica's visits.
b) With Monica about
everything.
c) With Bruce Lindsey about
everything.
d) With Vernon Jordan about
getting her a job.
e) Any
combination of the above.
13 What is Bruce Lindsey's role in all
this?
a) Knew about affair, did
nothing to help or hinder it.
b) Knew about affair, helped
hide it from Hillary and outsiders in harmless ways.
c) Knew about affair, helped
clean it up in questionable ways (Talking Points, etc.).
d)
Innocent bystander.
14. Will
Starr subpoena the president?
a) No, Starr got enough on
Monday to nail him.
b) No, Starr doesn't want to
risk constitutional crisis.
c) Yes, Clinton ducked too
many important questions.
d) Yes,
just to annoy Clinton.
15 Starr is probably constitutionally barred
from indicting the president. Whom will he indict in the Lewinsky
matter?
a) Bruce Lindsey.
b) Vernon Jordan.
c) Betty Currie.
d) Bill Richardson.
e) William Ginsburg, just for
the hell of it.
f) None of
the above.
16.
Clinton knew that Monica Lewinsky and Kathleen Willey were out there. So why
didn't he settle the Paula Jones lawsuit rather than risk exposure?
a) Paula Jones was actually
lying, and Clinton refused to cave to her blackmail.
b) Clinton assumed they would
never find Willey and Lewinsky.
c) Clinton assumed they would
find Willey and Lewinsky but also assumed Willey and Lewinsky would stay
silent, because his women usually do.
d) Clinton
is a fool.
17 The Supreme Court permitted the Jones
suit in part because it would not distract the president from his job. Would
the justices have let the Jones suit proceed if they had known it would produce
the Flytrap circus?
a) Yes.
b)
No.
18. Does
Clinton really believe oral sex is not adultery?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) "Well,
it's complicated ..."
19 According to some reports, only 40
percent of Tripp's testimony was about Flytrap. So what was the rest
about?
a) Vince Foster's death.
b) Kathleen Willey.
c) Threats by White House
staffers against Tripp.
d) Her
secret tapes of other "friends" talking about their sex lives.
20. What
gifts did Monica give Clinton?
a) The gold-and-navy tie on
the front page of today's New York Times .
b) The blue tie he wore
during The Speech.
c) A jack-o'-lantern pin.
d) A copy of Vox .
e) Sexually suggestive
tapes.
f) All of
the above.
And, for extra credit:
21.
What's on that dress, anyway?
a) Semen.
b) Toothpaste.
c) Laundry detergent.
d) Lemon-swirl yogurt.
e) Nothing.
My
guesses, for the record, are:
1: b; 2:
e; 3: c; 4: anything about the dress; 5: b; 6: d; 7: b; 8: a; 9: c; 10: b; 11:
b; 12: e; 13: c; 14: a; 15: a; 16: c; 17: b; 18: c; 19: b; 20: f; 21: a.
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