Hey, Ralph! Where Do You Want To Go Today?
Hey,
Ralph! Where Do You Want To Go Today?
Ralph Nader, the legendary
consumer advocate, recently announced plans for a conference called "Appraising
Microsoft and Its Global Strategies." In response, Microsoft's Office of
Special Services has asked Slate to extend a public invitation to Nader to
visit the corporate campus here in Redmond. The OSS specializes in making
people who want to appraise Microsoft's global strategies feel loved. Our
initial response was that we didn't wish to be used in that manner. But the OSS
internal liaison officer reasoned, "Look, bud, do you know who you're dealing
with here?" And we took that to be a fair point.
Plans are
well advanced to make Nader's day at Microsoft a delight. It will start with a
magnificent rainstorm, which will hit just as Ralph emerges from the airport
terminal. (He never carries an umbrella. "Do you know how many microbes there
are on the typical umbrella handle?") As the Microsoft host team will explain
to Nader, the company has acquired El Niño in an all-cash offer. Other weather
patterns may be acquired in the future. No "global strategy" involved! The sole
purpose is to provide weather users with a more consistent meteorological
interface. A wide variety of weather will continue to be offered free of
charge--to all registered users--because, well, that's just the kind of company
we are. Certain select weather patterns (e.g., sunshine) will be fee-based,
although eight days of balmy weather will come bundled with Office 2000.
Nader will be met and driven from the airport to campus in
the company Corvair. A gala luncheon in his honor at the company cafeteria will
feature Microsoft Food Service's justly famous high-nitrite hot dogs and
unlimited seconds at the Additives Bar. After lunch, Nader will be given a
sneak preview of Windows 98, to be made out of safety glass. Then, Chief
Technology Officer Nathan Myhrvold will give a demonstration of Microsoft Air
Bag TM , experimental software to protect users from physical harm
when their computers crash. (Every year, hundreds of computer users develop
hernias or serious back problems from attempting to lift up their machines and
fling them across the room. Microsoft Air Bag TM is an instantly
inflating balloon that will pin the user to his or her seat until the computer
can safely reboot.) Nader already has called for the government to make air
bags mandatory on all new computers.
But the undoubted highlight
of the day will be an audience with Microsoft's CEO, which is scheduled to take
place in the Throne Room of his new house. The original plan called for Nader
to enter on his knees, fall prostrate, and apologize profusely for impugning
the company's motives. He would then be taken off and melted into software. But
all this changed when we told the CEO about Nader's
mandatory-air-bags-for-computers idea. "Mandatory?" he said. "Require
people to buy software? What a marketing concept! It fits in perfectly with our
global stra ... er, our vision for humanity. I like the way this man
thinks!"
You see?
Why can't we all just get along?
--Michael Kinsley
