A Starr Is Spanked
The National Enquirer
became part of the news when the Washington Post published a piece
recently about the story the tabloid didn't run. In 1996, the
Enquirer hired two private investigators to stake out the home of a
Little Rock heiress rumored to be having an affair with Independent Counsel
Kenneth Starr. The investigators could find no evidence of a liaison, and the
Enquirer dropped the inquiry. It seems, however, that the whole episode
will have its day in court: Starr has subpoenaed the two investigators. And
although Clinton's personal lawyer David Kendall has also done legal work for
the Enquirer , editor Steve Coz denies that he got the tip through his
connections to the White House.
This week the
Enquirer seems to take a different tack on Starr. Instead of a possible
adulterer, he is presented as less than a manly man. Embarrassing secrets about
his past are revealed by a source who won't end up receiving one of Starr's
subpoenas: "his sweet 90-year-old mom Vannie." In its "exclusive" interview
with Mom, the Enquirer extracts the information that as a boy Starr was
spoiled and temperamental and so "got a lot of spankings." This turned him
around and by junior high school, "his hobby was polishing shoes." (This
damning detail was reported earlier in Time .) Another hobby was
appearing in high-school variety shows, where he dressed as a girl--the
Enquirer publishes a silly, but less than titillating, example of this
proclivity.
"Kenneth
didn't really start dating until after college," Mom reports, which the
Enquirer helpfully explains means "unlike Clinton, Ken was always the
kind of guy who gave sex a low priority." We also find out that the heartbreak
of psoriasis possibly saved Starr's life. The skin condition got the Vietnam
War supporter out of the draft. And with the wisdom of the aged, Vannie Starr
asks the question that now haunts the nation, "Why can't the President be
satisfied with his wife?"
The Enquirer also warns that Monica Lewinsky is a "
'ticking time bomb' of self-destruction," at risk of either suicide or blimping
up, according to one of the publication's favorite psychiatrists, Dr. Carole
Lieberman of Beverly Hills. The Enquirer does not say whether Lieberman
is related to Evelyn Lieberman, the Clinton aide who helped send Monica into
this spiral by transferring her from the White House to the Pentagon after she
showed inordinate interest in the president.
The
Star weighs in on the scandal this week with a piece on five unnamed
Arkansas women forced to give depositions in the Paula Jones lawsuit. The
Star says these women--now in Starr's sights--have all publicly denied
sexual involvement with Clinton, but under oath they told a different story.
But, says a source, "[t]he key to their testimony--and to Clinton's--is the
definition of oral sex." The publication also says Starr is pursuing the
testimony of a Miami lawyer who, a friend of his recounts, says that in 1992 he
was paid to "track down women with whom Clinton had sex and silence them" with
hush money.
In addition, the Star says that the
infamous Donna Karan beret that Lewinsky wore as she hugged Clinton across a
rope line was sent by the designer to the White House as a gift for first
daughter Chelsea. Clinton, apparently unable to get away to Saks to purchase a
duplicate, snagged the original and gave it to Monica as a gift.
Despite
these tidbits, now, more than six weeks into the scandal, it's clear that for
the tabloids it does not have the enduring cover power of the murder of
JonBenet Ramsey or the sex life of Michael Jackson. Monica has been relegated
to ever smaller headlines in recent weeks, and the Globe 's disinterest
in the whole matter is best summed up by this week's coverage: none. All along,
the Globe , usually the most prurient of the tabloids, has taken it upon
itself to be the voice of the Clinton administration. It consistently portrays
Lewinsky as a sex-crazed, unbalanced fantasist. Most cruelly, last week, for no
clear reason, it ran photos of a quite fat teen-age Monica. It also did a
perhaps ill-advised survey of celebrities who support the president. For
example Barbra Streisand, who the Star says is fearful of getting her
own subpoena because of a rumored affair with Clinton, says, "We elected Bill
Clinton president, not pope." Angie Dickinson, who is rumored to have had an
affair with John Kennedy, says, "We shouldn't care what a president does in his
bedroom." And Jack Nicholson, who makes Clinton look like a castrato, says,
"Bill, you're great. Keep on."
OK, maybe political commentary is not a celebrity strong
suit. But, as the tabloids demonstrate week after week, stars can be counted on
to get in violent disputes, have out-of-wedlock children, and act
bizarrely.
Just a few weeks ago,
reported the Star , actress Pamela Anderson and rocker Tommy Lee were
contemplating a more professional follow-up to the bootleg video of a
lovemaking session that swept the Internet. Alas, it appears it is not to be.
The Enquirer reports this week about the couple's Valentine's Day
getaway to Las Vegas, during which "a booze-crazed Tommy Lee brutally beat his
wife." Although their spokeswoman denied the story, Lee has since been arrested
and Anderson has filed for divorce.
Celebrity
fathers who don't want to know their out-of-wedlock offspring and celebrity
mothers who don't want to know the fathers of their out-of-wedlock children
have also been in the news. The Globe reports that both singer Tom Jones
and actor Hugh O'Brian have unacknowledged sons. And the Star tells the
rather shaky story of a supposed daughter of Marlon Brando whom the actor has
never seen. Female stars are causing a run on the sperm bank, according to the
tabs. The Star reports that actress Jodie Foster is pregnant through
artificial insemination. Performer Sandra Bernhard has also chosen the
anonymous route to motherhood, according the Enquirer . And Madonna, says
the Star , is looking for two sperm donors, one for herself and one for
her "galpal" Ingrid Casares.
Then there are the stories that make you think
some celebrities just shouldn't be allowed to reproduce at all. Both the
Star and Globe picked up reports from a British newspaper about
the germ-free life of Michael Jackson's 1-year-old son, Prince. Six teams of a
nanny and a nurse take turns watching the baby around the clock, although they
are not allowed to kiss him. The baby gets new toys every day, because used
toys are immediately discarded. All eating utensils are first sterilized, then
thrown away after use, and young Jackson is not allowed to play with other
germ-ridden children.
Soon
there will be an addition to this happy family, when Jackson's wife, Debbie,
who lives apart from her husband and son, gives birth to their second child.
According to the Star , Jackson plans to divorce her right after the
birth so he can reunite with ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley. The Enquirer
ran photographs of that couple's recent romantic and very public evening out in
Los Angeles. Throughout dinner Jackson wore a black silk surgical mask, and the
couple was later pictured kissing tenderly through the mask. As longtime
tabloid readers know, the reason for the mask is that after innumerable
surgeries, Jackson's nose is collapsing like an El Niño-soaked hillside.
Finally, some good news. Talk-show host Kathie Lee Gifford
found out that a lump in her breast was benign. She shared this with her
audience, according to the Globe (along with the news that she's
approaching menopause and that her young son walked in on her and her formerly
straying husband, Frank Gifford, making love), because "I like to think of my
breasts as America's breasts."
