Basic Instincts
This month's tabs are filled
with news of an elemental nature, examining the desires of celebrities to
marry, divorce, procreate, and swoop, godlike, into the lives of others,
changing them forever.
The
recent big life events are the marriage of Barbra Streisand and James Brolin
and the impending divorce of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. Because of their
deadlines, the supermarket tabs were unable to reveal this week if they managed
to breach Streisand's perimeter of security. But the rest of the gossip media
did their best to glean details of the wedding when they weren't being driven
mad by Streisand loudspeakers blaring music from the same heavy metal band,
White Zombie, once used by the military to drive former Panamanian dictator
Manuel Noriega from his compound, according to the New York Daily
News .
The News reported that Streisand--a well-known, um,
perfectionist--almost delayed the much-rescheduled wedding because the caterer
delivered San Pellegrino water instead of the requested Perrier. According to
the Globe , since the couple met two years ago Brolin, pitchman for AAMCO
Transmissions, has been badgering the reluctant singer to go to the altar. For
the past three decades, ever since the collapse of her marriage to Elliott
Gould, the publication says, the idea of remarriage has given her cold feet.
But before this condition caused her to resemble one of those ancient, frozen
corpses that occasionally turns up in the Alps, Brolin melted her. He was so
overcome during the ceremony, reports the News , that he blubbered;
Streisand remained dry-eyed. The News did not report if this had
anything to do with the terms of the couple's prenuptial agreement.
Way back
in 1987, when they got married, Bruce Willis was a mere TV actor and Demi Moore
was just one of the members of the Hollywood Brat Pack, and neither was
thinking about a prenuptial, says the Star . That's why the tabloid is
salivating over the prospect of just how these now-full-fledged movie stars
will divide their $150 million fortune, which consists of everything from real
estate to an interest in the Planet Hollywood restaurants to a doll collection
that numbers in the thousands. All three supermarket tabs agree the reason for
the split was the basic one: the wandering eye. The Star and the
Globe both place the bulk of the blame on Willis. "I can't go on with
this charade," Moore sobbed to a friend in vintage tabloid-speak, according to
the Star . The publication links Willis with everyone from his young
Armageddon co-star Liv Tyler to a group of Hawaiian Tropic swimsuit
models. But Moore, who once played a liposuctioned Hester Prynne, is not
portrayed only as the wronged woman. The Star brings up her
"flirtations" with actors Brad Pitt and yet another Armageddon star, Ben
Affleck.
The National Enquirer reports Moore
hired a private eye to detail Willis' activities, which included, it says, both
individual girlfriends and a penchant for hanging out at strip clubs. The
couple agreed to split after the Armageddon première, but then Moore
found out Willis had "installed a secret mistress in a love nest." So she made
a secret plan to announce the end of the marriage before the première. During a
Father's Day brunch at the Ramada Inn in Farmington, N.M., where the family had
gone to be with Moore's dying mother, a friend called Willis with the news, the
Enquirer alleges. After the two stars had a shouting match, Willis
stormed out and installed himself in the Best Western motel across the
street.
The Globe , in a
contrarian mood, blames Moore. It reports Willis' latest philandering was
retaliation for her "dates" with, who else?, Leonardo DiCaprio. In the tabloid
world DiCaprio is becoming the equivalent of the Norse god Loki, a handsome,
mischievous shape-shifter who leaves chaos in his wake.
The
Moore-Willis split is not the only uncoupling of the month. All three
supermarket tabs report the end of the marriage of singers Whitney Houston and
Bobby Brown, a decision the Globe says was cemented by his latest
arrest, this time for allegedly having touched a woman against her will. The
Globe says the usually forgiving Houston is unmoved by his plight, but
both the Enquirer and the Star say she is concerned that sexy
videotapes they made to spice up their marriage may end up spicing up the
Internet. And aging bad boy Gary Busey, 54, is getting divorced from Tiani, his
30-year-old wife of less than two years, reports the Globe . Although she
saw him through sinus cancer and a drug overdose, she tells "sources" his
abusive behavior landed her in rehab. "Being Mrs. Gary Busey is hell," the
Globe says she told a friend. The publication also reports that the
other Mrs. Busey, the actor's mother, is shrugging off his latest troubles.
"Unless he's laying bleeding in the street [a sometime occurrence with him], I
don't allow myself to get too involved," she's quoted as saying.
Despite the frequency with which celebrity love dies,
celebrities this month are obsessed with having babies, although in some cases
it's unclear whether the process or the outcome is the chief motivation.
Lustful newlyweds actress Sharon Stone and San Francisco Examiner
Executive Editor Phil Bronstein continue to go at it. "We just have sex
constantly," the Enquirer quotes her as saying. But it's all for a
higher purpose: "That old biological clock is really racing away," she
says.
Reproduction is also the reason newly coupled Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt
can't keep their hands off each other, according to the Globe . The star
of Friends allegedly confided to a friend: "Every time Brad and I sleep
together I hope I'll conceive. I'm totally serious. I want a baby Brad." But,
according to the Star , other desires may be at work here. The
publication reports that after the couple snuggled backstage at a Washington,
D.C., rock concert, Pitt desperately--but unsuccessfully--canvassed the
musicians for a condom. For the record, Aniston's spokesman says the two are
"not lovers."
And recent Oscar winner Helen Hunt is
determined to have a baby with or without her fiance, actor Hank Azaria,
according to the Star . "I'm going all-out to get pregnant," the
publication reports her confiding to a "pal," although it doesn't explain what
she plans to do if Azaria refuses to cooperate. Azaria's reluctance to marry
stems from the fact that her earnings dwarf his--she is making $1.25 million a
week to star in the sitcom Mad About You . Perhaps, once he gets back
from his honeymoon, James Brolin could do a little counseling.
Not all
celebrities are having such a hard time being fruitful. The Enquirer has
a photo display of Tony Randall, 78; his wife, Heather, 28; their 14-month-old
daughter; and their newborn son. In one picture, Randall is flat on his back,
with the infant next to him and the toddler on his chest. Unfortunately, it
looks as if the child is performing CPR on her aged father. Randall tells the
Enquirer the baby, Jefferson, is named after 19 th century
comic actor Joseph Jefferson but does not say if Randall actually attended any
of the actor's performances.
Finally, this month's tabs seem to give an implicit warning
that too close contact with a celebrity can have unintended consequences for
the not famous. Take the case of Diane Sawyer and the little girl she began
tutoring in 1995. According to the Enquirer , Sawyer became a sort of
second mother to the child, whose own parents were recovering drug addicts with
no steady employment. The newswoman helped arrange a larger apartment and
psychiatric care for the family. She gave the girl clothes and gifts and took
her to her Connecticut estate for weekend pony rides, according to the
Star . "How was I supposed to compete with that?" it quotes the mother as
asking. Then, says the publication, while the mother was in the hospital giving
birth to her sixth child, the girl called Sawyer's office to ask if groceries
could be delivered. The Enquirer , however, says the girl called Sawyer's
office to say men with guns were at the apartment. Sawyer's assistant then
called New York's Administration for Children's Services to report the
situation. Thinking they were about the find themselves part of a PrimeTime
Live exposé, says the publication, the bureaucrats swooped in and placed
all the children in foster care. In a statement, Sawyer said she "played no
role in this decision."
The soon to be ex-husband of
a makeup woman for Oprah Winfrey also says he couldn't compete with the trips
and gifts the generous talk show host lavished on his wife, according to the
Globe . "Any time I tried to talk to her, she would cut me short and say
she was being elevated to a higher level," the husband says. Although he tries
to imply a romance between the two women, even the Globe doesn't believe
him. They report the makeup artist took another man on a multimillion-dollar,
Oprah-hosted cruise.
And according to the
Enquirer , being famous is better than being young. At least, that is the
lesson Australian beauty queen Alison Brooks, 30, says she learned when actress
Barbara Hershey, 50, set her sights on Brooks' fiance, Simon Lowe, also 30.
Hershey was in Sydney working on a film and, according to Brooks, "[s]wept into
town with her big-time Hollywood ways, saw Simon--and decided 'that's for me!'
It didn't matter that she was old enough to be Simon's mother." Hershey's
spokeswoman says the actress is barely acquainted with the couple. But Brooks,
who moved out of the apartment she shared with Lowe, says of Hershey, "I just
wish she'd go back to Hollywood and pick on somebody her own age!"
