Wandering Eyes, Drifting Chin
In body and soul it has been
difficult for celebrities in Tabloidland this month, with a surfeit of romantic
calamities, plastic surgery disasters, and urological deaths and rebirths.
A more
perfect union (of the catastrophic type) than that of Godfather producer
Robert Evans, 68, and onetime Dynasty actress Catherine Oxenberg, 36,
would be hard to achieve. It was summed up by a friend of the couple, who
observed in the Globe , "Who'd have guessed the marriage would go bad
faster than the leftover food from their wedding reception?" While details
differ, all the tabs agree that courtship to annulment took the pair less than
three weeks. According to the Globe , Oxenberg, daughter of a Yugoslavian
princess (who knew there was such a thing?), believed Evans--who is recovering
from a stroke--when he promised to help her career. But she began to have
second thoughts during their two day Santa Barbara honeymoon, which she spent
weeping on the phone to her live-in boyfriend, who was home watering their
plants. The publication says the marriage effectively ended in two days and
officially ended in 12.
The Star says the marriage, his fifth, lasted a
week. The romance began when Evans told her he had a vision of an angel who
looked just like her during his stroke-induced near-death experience. She
agreed to marry him out of sympathy, says the publication, believing he
wouldn't live more than six months. He must have been disconcertingly robust on
their honeymoon, because during it she told him she was returning to her former
and possibly future fiance.
According
to the National Enquirer , the marriage endured for 10 whole days before
Oxenberg returned home to her boyfriend. In its version, Oxenberg had recently
been at a spiritual retreat in which she was told to help others. When she met
Evans at a party and he told her about his stroke, she "thought this was a
sign"--a sign, apparently, to behave as if she had had a stroke. The
publication quotes her telling a friend, "Bob told me he couldn't have sex
since his stroke, I figured, what the hell--I'll marry him because I
desperately want to help him." Unfortunately for their marriage, she was too
effective a helper. As she napped one day, he came in the room, reports the
Enquirer , "stark naked--and it was obvious he was quite capable of
consummating the marriage." Oxenberg behaved as would any young bride: She
"jumped out of bed and said, 'I'm not you're wife anymore. I'm leaving you and
never coming back.' " On the other hand, perhaps this is a custom of what must
be the ever-dwindling band of Yugoslav royals.
Also this month, the tabs implicitly pose the
question: Can love flourish again once the restraining order has expired?
According to the Enquirer , Roseanne and her husband Ben Thomas recently
showed up hand in hand at a West Hollywood restaurant, having skipped a court
date for their divorce suit. Roseanne and her former bodyguard husband became
estranged on New Year's Eve, when in an excessive spirit of revelry he
threatened to drive his truck through their house. The comedian filed for
divorce and got a court order keeping him 100 yards from her. But now a friend
of the couple reveals Thomas has stopped drinking, and Roseanne has supposedly
said, "I feel like I actually divorced Ben and married a new husband--because
Ben is a new man." No word if New Ben has to abide by the prenuptial agreement
of Old Ben.
And actress Halle Berry, who
had obtained a restraining order against her ex-husband, Cleveland Indians
outfielder David Justice, during their acrimonious divorce, was recently seen
dating him, according to the Star . Also in a forgiving mood is singer
Whitney Houston, who, report the Star and Enquirer , was seen in
Paris with her often-arrested husband Bobby Brown, only weeks after the tabs
promised their marriage had come to an end.
While the
Star is alleging that Bruce Willis realizes his marriage to Demi Moore
is really over and that he is ready to fight for joint custody of their three
daughters, the Enquirer believes reconciliation is in the air. According
to the publication, Moore is willing to consider giving it another try, but
first she wants Willis to compile a list of all the women he slept with during
their marriage, in order to have "an honest relationship." Willis, probably
fearing that compiling such a list would cause crippling writer's cramp, has
refused. And he would certainly be backed up on that decision by a couple
currently in residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
The Enquirer does not speculate on the legal
ramifications, but it does report that Clinton accuser Paula Jones has
completed her makeover with a nose job. Although Jones has not yet unveiled her
newly diminished honker, the publication offers a computer generated "preview"
that makes her look terrifyingly like Kathie Lee Gifford.
While it's
too early to tell if Jones will join the legion of plastic surgery victims, the
tabs this month report on attempts at surgical improvement gone awry. Pity poor
Melanie Griffith. A few weeks ago the Enquirer reported that the
40-year-old actress "desperately" needed a face lift. So, just last week, the
Globe reports, she underwent a five hour overhaul. Let's hope she's
taken the advice of her husband, actor Antonio Banderas, as reported in the
Star , and laid off the lip collagen. According to the publication, he is
concerned that her lips--the upper one sometimes appears as if a hot dog has
been inserted in it--are starting to look "unrealistically big."
Uncooperative implants are another celebrity
plague. After getting cheek and chin implants and facial liposuction, talk show
host Sally Jessy Raphael ended up with such a "lopsided smile," reports the
Star , that viewers called in wondering if she'd had a stroke. The
publication also alleges that "Carol Burnett's wandering chin is the result of
an implant that won't stay put." Rocker Stevie Nicks solved the wandering
implant problem by having her silicone breast implants removed and keeping them
in her freezer "to remind me of the agony," according to the Globe . And
the Enquirer reports that singer Tina Turner's breast implants "drifted
so far apart she lost her cleavage." She went back to her plastic surgeon, and
after he fixed them she admired his handiwork so much that a romance between
the two might have ensued, says the publication.
A change
in ethnic identity is another danger of an overzealous scalpel. According to
the Enquirer 's plastic surgery consultant, Dr. Jerome Craft of Palm
Beach, Fla., TV news anchorman Peter Jennings had his face pulled a "bit tight,
giving his eyes a slightly Oriental look." Changing identities is the goal of
Monica Lewinsky, according to this week's Star . Though the publication
doesn't report any plastic surgery in her future, when her legal troubles are
over she wants to make a "fresh start" and plans to do so with a name change.
Her current favorite is "Audrey Seville." The publication doesn't report where
"Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton" ranks on the list.
Perhaps if the president had suffered the same terrible
fate as Dudley Moore, he would now be suffering less. According to this week's
Globe , the actor's estranged fourth wife, Nicole Rothschild, claims he
became impotent after they wed. "All Dudley ever wanted to do was go to bed
with women," the publication reports she said. "But when he became impotent, it
took his identity away." Rothschild did what any loving wife would do in those
circumstances: "I tried everything. I had my breasts enlarged. I had a nose
job. Nothing worked." Moore is in dire shape after a series of strokes, says
the publication. It does not report whether he has sought the services of
Catherine Oxenberg.
Hugh Hefner, 72, allegedly
needs no nursing, just a little blue, diamond-shaped pill. According to the
Globe , friends of the Playboy magazine founder "are worried that
he's popping Viagra like candy and eventually his heart is going to explode."
Hefner, recently separated from his 35-year-old wife, Kimberly, a former
Playmate of the Year, has been seeing a 22-year-old centerfold, among others.
Kimberly is worried that her husband, who had a stroke in 1985, will be "found
dead of a heart attack while in bed with one of those bimbos," the Globe
claims. Hefner's spokesman says his boss does not appear to be in any danger of
imminent demise, but if he does die the way his wife fears, "I'm sure that's
how he'd want to go."
