Modem Marriage
The first weddings happened
by capture. The groom, aided by his warrior friend (the "best man"), kidnapped
the bride, holding her in his left hand, and fought off other prospective
mates, using his right hand. This is why the bride stands on the left in modern
ceremonies. Or so I learned in my online research.
The Internet is the final
civilizing force of this ancient ritual, transforming its anachronistic
intimacy into a fully automated cyberexperience. All things nuptial are at your
fingertips, from the history of marriage to methods for entertaining your
guests at a shower and software that writes pithy wedding toasts. Once
you meet your fiancée or fiancé in an online chat room, you need never leave
your laptop to plan, pay for, or execute the Big Day.
The chain
of hyperlinks to timeless matrimony begins with Cupid's Network, which
will direct you to the perfect match (please specify ethnicity and religion).
Or you could visit the virtual Irish Matchmaker, who commands, "Stop saying I can't and
get ready to say I do."
Weddings are ideally suited to the Internet, since a Web
site can provide the unconditional love and attention that print media can't.
Guns N
Roses Cyber Weddings will create a Web page for you, as well as locate "an
ordained minister to oversee every detail." Many sites include a customizable
"timeline,"reminding you when to buy what. Online counselors, such
as Ask Myrna, specialize in calming stressed-out brides. Need to
come up with vows? The Create-A-Vow Kit is yours for $24.95. Even the clergy are
easy: Wayward Catholics are welcomed on the home page of the White Robed Monks of St.
Benedict, who "recognize that Jesus never really said No to
anyone."
The Web is
not just peddler but also town crier. There is no need to climb the bridge with
a bottle of spray paint to announce your matrimony, or to petition the society
pages to include you. Web-site designers, such as Wed on Web, promise to spare no
interactive technology in broadcasting your undying love to the world. The
Way Cool
Weddings site links to the best pages, which include heartwarming stories
and statistical details, along with music and video.
Like politics, the best wedding Web sites are
local. My favorite is The Virtual Bride of Atlanta ("Thank you for entering The
Virtual Bride"), which gives hard-hitting hiring advice. On wedding
consultants: "Beware of the use of the word 'I.' This means that she could
already be fantasizing that it is she who is the bride, not you." It also
recommends packing the "Bride's
Emergency Kit," whose 30-plus items include smelling salts, a small
flashlight, directions to the reception, and masking tape.
A Wedding Resource
Online of Houston is less dramatic but has better shower games, including
"Toilet Paper Wedding Dress." New York Metroweddings includes tips on trends from the
entertainment director of Central Park's most famous restaurant, Tavern on the
Green. ("Unlike the Eighties, everyone is getting back down to the real meaning
of the occasion.") Viva Las Vegas, one of many online sites for the wedding capital,
offers theme packages such as "Intergalactic," which "includes the use of the
Starship chapel, all Intergalactic memorabilia, one Minister Transporter,
illusion entrance, Captain Quirk/Minister, theatrical lighting, and fog.
$650.00." If your city doesn't have a site, Bridal Gallery, an online
registry, will search for local resources.
Identity politics can sometimes substitute for geography
when it comes to breaking down the Web wedding industry into usable chunks.
There are complete guides to ethnic--African,
Jewish, Korean, Chinese, and Filipino--as well as Gay and Lesbian
ceremonies. Each urges you to shake free of the tired mainstream and embrace a
more spirited tradition. For those who wish to pursue this strategy to its
extreme, the Medieval and Renaissance Wedding Information site, a favorite of
Dungeons & Dragons types, offers advice on everything from the
entertainment (jousting, minstrels, etc.) to how to get hesitant guests into
the spirit ("the fathers discovered how much fun tights can be").
For those
who tire of the entire process before the ceremony even takes place, wedding
sites contain their share of commentary on all things marital. Al's
Wedding-related jokes and one-liners provides the usual dosage of in-law
bashing and sex-hurrahing, and there are several America's Funniest Home
Videos -type pages devoted to accounts of actual wedding mishaps
(the comatose bride, Grandpa and the topless dancer, and so on). Best of all is
And
the Bride Wore ..., which adds captions to pictures of hideous bridal
fashions. "This bride has been hermetically sealed for your protection" and "Run! Run! It
landed on your butt!" should conjure up some of the images.
For arcane legal reasons, the actual ceremony must take
place offline. Still, when problems crop up after the wedding, you can go to
"The Marriage
Toolbox," which derides the outdated advice of yesteryear's home-economics
textbooks in favor of an online "journaling" technique that helps you release
your inner kvetch. ("Today I feel like a wretch. ... I am sticky and hot and
not very happy.") There remains the possibility that these methods will not
yield lifelong bliss. Should such a fate befall you, there's always Divorce Online.
