ASK
PRUDENCE
Prudence, drawing on her rich experience of life, will answer questions
submitted by readers. She will respond to questions about manners, personal
relations, politics, economics, and other subjects. Questions should be sent to
[email protected].
They should not exceed 200 words in length. Please indicate how you wish your
letter to be signed, preferably including your location.
Dear
Prudence,
The
papers are filled with stories about the death of Michael Kennedy. The stories
list other family occurrences that show the Kennedys as a hard-luck family. It
is, for example, listed as a Kennedy tragedy that other people tend to die in
cars driven by Kennedys. If a Kennedy is walking by and a busload of people die
in a crash, it would make the list of tragedies longer. Is this an example of
good PR?
--Ellsworth M.
ButlerBoonton, N.J.
Dear Mr.
Butler,
I agree
that the word "tragedy" is used without discrimination in reference to the
Kennedy family. The death of Joseph Kennedy Jr. in World War II and the
assassinations of Jack and Robert were tragedies. As far as I can see, most of
the subsequent "problems" were the result of their own recklessness or worse.
Since they are so prominent and have been blessed with so much wealth and
public adulation, they have a responsibility to be role models of sensible
behavior. It is unfortunate that they do not see it that way.
--Prudence, sadly
Dear
Prudence,
I have
met a woman whom I am attracted to. She is attracted to me and we would like to
see more of each other. The problem is we are both married. The attraction is
more than plutonic, it is also physical. What would you recommend?
--Troubled in Las
Vegas
Dear
Troubled in Las Vegas,
Your letter is indeed
ambiguous. You say that the attraction between this woman and you is "more than
plutonic, it is also physical." In my old dictionary, "plutonic" means "of
Pluto, infernal." I will assume that you mean "platonic." But then I don't know
whether you mean that the attraction is physical or that the consummated
relationship is physical and sexual.
I will assume that you would
like to have sexual relations but have not done so. My advice is not to do it
unless you are prepared to leave--i.e., divorce--your present wife. One reason
is that your wife will probably learn of it, and when she does there will be
the devil to pay. A second reason is that even if she doesn't find out, you
will know, and you will probably go around with a burden of guilt that will
sour your life and your relations with both women. But there is a third, most
important, reason. The relationship you are longing for is wrong. The one of
the Ten Commandments that everyone knows is "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
It may be often violated, but hardly anyone in our culture denies that it is a
commandment. If our behavior is to be governed only by cost-benefit
calculations, and not by moral standards, we are in pretty bad shape.
Whether
you should leave your present wife I cannot tell without knowing much more than
you have revealed. I urge you to be very cautious about it. It is easy to be
attracted to a new woman, whose faults you do not know, who does not know your
faults, and who has never asked you to take out the garbage or mow the lawn.
But you have to think of what the new woman will be like after she has become
the old woman. Also, you haven't said whether you and your wife have any
children. Their interests deserve a lot of weight.
--Prudence, Mosaically
Dear
Prudence,
I have a long-distance
boyfriend of three months. I've only seen him three times and I'm beginning to
dislike him. However, he constantly phones me and sent me a $75 Christmas
present. Should I send him a Christmas present or would this encourage him even
more?
I want
to break up with him.
--Desperately
Dear
Desperately,
There
must be something more here than meets the eye. On the facts presented, you
have no problem. Don't send him a gift. Send his gift back.
--Prudence, simply
Dear
Prudence,
I
received a small Christmas gift from a workmate. I thanked her when she handed
me the gift. My wife thinks that a thank-you note is appropriate, but I think
that the verbal thank you satisfies my obligation. What do you think?
--Sincerely,Bunsworth
Dear
Bunsworth,
You made
an "oral" expression of gratitude, which was, of course, also "verbal." That is
enough unless the gift was extraordinary. If the gift was an item of houseware,
like a microwave, your wife should write a thank-you note.
--Prudence,
sufficiently
Dear
Prudence,
I have
read a few of your comments, and you do indeed sound like a thoroughly
courteous and sensible person. I just have an idea I should like to broadcast
via you: In public libraries one finds the children's section, the adult
reading section, and the young adult's section (read: teen-agers). Isn't this a
kind and gentle way of referring to people in the teen years? I thought it
would gently help those young people to begin to accept the idea that they are
growing up and should soon become grown-ups, or adults. That's all.
--Louine King
P.S. I
hate the idea that the word "adult" so often refers to pornographic things.
There goes another perfectly good word, unless we can recapture it with
dignity! Thanks for your (electronic) ear.
Dear
Louine,
I thank you for your
comment. Indeed, it is important that teen-agers should recognize that they are
becoming adults, and that they are not in some playground where they have full
capabilities and no responsibilities. In the Jewish tradition, as I understand
it, boys become adults at the age of 13 and go through rites intended to
impress that upon them. The signs you observe in the library are a small step
toward making teen-agers aware of their status.
The use
of the word "adult" to rate some movies and, I suppose, other forms of
entertainment, is, I agree, often inappropriate. I think we should have two
categories--"adult" and "immature."
--Prudence, agedly
