ArticleIP_3541.txt

   
   
      
         
            

            
               ASK
PRUDENCE
            

            

               Prudence, drawing on her rich experience of life, will answer questions
submitted by readers. She will respond to questions about manners, personal
relations, politics, economics, and other subjects. Questions should be sent to
[email protected].
They should not exceed 200 words in length. Please indicate how you wish your
letter to be signed, preferably including your location.
            

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               Are there any ticklish
questions of etiquette attached to wearing a wire and recording conversations
with one's supposed friends and colleagues for the benefit of, say, a special
prosecutor?
            

            

               Incidentally, at a time when it is suggested that the president is living
out his own Wag the Dog difficulties--only it's interns thankfully and
not Girl Guides--is it a good idea for Clinton to stage a small war with
Albania?
            

            
               --Yours,Wired, Tapped,
and Internally AmusedSydney, Australia
            

            Dear Wired,
Tapped, and Amused,

            Whether
it's a ticklish question depends on where one wears the wire. He'd better not
attack Albania. Too many people think it is the capital of New York state.

            --Prudence, debugged,
tapped-out, and appalled

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I have
a problem that often leaves me frustrated and angry at myself: I am very bad at
small talk. It's amazing to me how people can slip in and out of frivolous talk
(though I know it serves a socially useful purpose) with seeming ease. No
matter how hard I try, I feel that I say the wrong thing or something
inappropriate. What concerns me most, however, is that I'll soon be entering
the work world, and the ability to make light conversation is paramount in
business relationships. Do you have any suggestions?
            

            

               --J.S.Philadelphia
            

            Dear
J.S.,

            You are making too much of
this. What everyone wants in a conversationalist is not a good talker but a
good listener. You could be Oscar Wilde, and no one would go home from a party
saying, "Gee, Oscar was witty tonight." Many would go home saying, "I was sure
witty tonight."

            Cultivate listening, laughing
at the right points, and occasionally saying: "Right on!" or "How true!" In
business it is not the glib talker who gets the most respect. It is the person
who can sit quietly through a meeting and then cogently synthesize the
issues.

            Don't
worry about what other people are thinking about you. Mostly they are not
thinking about you at all. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. Most
people don't know what the right thing is. If what you say is bizarre enough,
people will think that you are very deep.

            --Prudence,
consolingly

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               Years ago, whenever we
bought something using cash in a retail store, the clerk would return our
change by first placing the coins safely in the palm of our hand, followed by
any bills. The receipt, of course, would have already been tucked inside, or
stapled to, the bag. This way, we could easily grip the coins while putting the
extra bills away into our wallets, and then drop the coins into our pockets or
coin purses.
            

            
               These
days, it seems the standard procedure is to hand out the bills first, followed
by the receipt, and then the coins, perched precariously on top. We are then
left standing there to sort out this unwieldy stack. When and why did this
practice start, and who could we contact to try to get it changed?
            

            
               --Purchasing in
Pittsburgh
            

            Dear
Purchasing in Pittsburgh,

            You indeed have a problem.
It is not universal, however. Prudence has just been through a cafeteria line
where the cashier gave change in coins first and then in bills. But the
practice of which you complain is very common, especially in supermarkets. The
reason for it is to speed up the checkout process. If the cashier is to give
you coins first, he must either make two passes at you, first with the coins
and then with the bills, or he must hold the coins in his hand while he fishes
the bills out of the cash register. In the latter case the risk that he will
drop the coins is increased. By doing it his way the risk that you will drop
the coins is increased. That is what we mean by "the service economy." The
customer performs the service.

            There are several ways to
cope with this problem:

            a) You can come with an
assortment of coins and pay with the exact change.

            b) You can deposit the coins
in the bottle near the cash register, where they will be collected to help the
needy.

            c) You can pay with a credit
card, irritating the hell out of everyone in line behind you.

            d) You can stuff the wad of
coins, bills, and receipts in your pocket or purse to be sorted out at home
later. (That is Prudence's method.)

            If you
want to get the practice changed, I have two suggestions for you: You can write
to Ralph Nader; I am sure that he would be glad to attack this evil inflicted
on consumers by the capitalist exploiters. Or, you can write to Bill Clinton;
he might include a legal prohibition of the practice in the 1998 Americans with
Trivial Irritations Act.

            --Prudence,
unchangeably

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I have
a silly little problem that I want to share with you. The problem is that I am
an Asian male who has never kissed a girl (other than my mom and my sisters) in
my whole life, since it is not a norm in the country I come from. So now that I
am in America, how should I go about overcoming my shyness and nervousness
about the possibility of having to kiss a girl, or even having to ask for a
kiss?
            

            
               --Confused and
Pondering
            

            Dear
Confused and Pondering,

            Try it,
you'll like it. You ask what you should do if you ever "have" to kiss a girl.
If that situation arises, you will have no problem. Perhaps you will "have" to
kiss her because she has kissed you. In that case your spontaneous, unpondered
reaction will be to kiss her back. Your problem will not be hesitancy about
kissing but addiction to it.

            --Prudence,
confidently

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I have
the hots for a pretty waitress at a restaurant where I eat. She is so
beautiful, and I would love to ask her out, but I am shy, and she is always
working when I see her. I want to know how to approach her and pop the
question--would she be willing to go out with me?--without looking like a fool
and without disturbing her at work. If you have any ideas, they would be
greatly appreciated.
            

            
               --Uncertain and
Unsure
            

            Dear
Uncertain and Unsure,

            The only
correction for shyness is to summon up your courage and do it. If your
attraction to her is very strong it will overcome your shyness. Women are
seldom offended by an expression of a man's interest in them if it is expressed
in a respectful manner. You should, however, drop the word "hots" from your
thinking about her.

            --Prudence,
encouragingly