ArticleIP_11121.txt

   
   
      
         
            

            

               Drawing upon her rich experience of life, Prudence
(Prudie to her friends) responds to questions about manners, personal
relations, politics, and other subjects. Please send your questions for
publication to [email protected]. Queries should not exceed 200 words in
length. Please indicate how you wish your letter to be signed, preferably
including your location.
            

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I work in an office of some 20 people. While I
have cordial but hardly warm relations with several co-workers, the only person
I genuinely like is a woman who was hired about eight months ago. We have
become quite friendly, verging on affectionate. I sense a mutual attraction
(and I know she is available). We're both in our mid-30s. Since I both like her
and find her desirable, I am considering pursuing a relationship. However, my
track record isn't great: The last two lasted six and eight months,
respectively (though I have remained friends with both women). If this current
attraction were to blossom into a relationship, I could foresee some happy and
soul-supportive times--but not permanence. By the way, since she exited a
long-term relationship just before she joined our company, I suspect she's not
interested in permanence either.
            

            
               So, do you think
it's worth going into an office relationship that probably won't last? We don't
work closely together but, then again, I wouldn't want to hurt or alienate the
only person in my office whom I really like. And how much disclosure about my
track record do you think I should reveal?
            

            

               --Wondering in New York
            

            Dear
Won,

            Since we only live once until further notice,
Prudie thinks it would be a shame to pass up a promising romantic opportunity
simply because it may not turn out to be perfect--or permanent. You are
wonderfully thoughtful about looking ahead, but try not to plan things that
are, after all, emotional and evolutionary. It is Prudie's guess that if you
tell the young woman in question of your interest, as well as of your concerns,
her response will be the guide you are seeking. As for revealing your strikeout
record, that kind of information always gets out during the course of what
Prudie refers to as the "what did you major in?" discussions.

            Your remark that "it probably won't last suggests
faulty reasoning. You are pessimistically assuming that because no one has
interested you on a permanent basis so far, no one will.

            For some reason, Prudie
feels hunchy about your situation and thinks this romantic friendship has
possibilities. You can't not try to find out. And do keep us all posted.

            
--Prudie, encouragingly

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               Am I an idiot? I already know I am an idiot, but
am I to be a happy idiot or a miserable one? Recently I went on a press junket
to an Italian island, hosted by dull technologists. There, over two days, I
fell in with another trapped journalist. In the way of such things, we now say
we are in love. On the bright side, she is a beautiful, terrifyingly honest
24-year-old French girl. On the other hand, I am (problematically) 31, balding,
British, and bitter.
            

            
               My question: She
wants to move out to California, where I live. I want her to move out. We know
nothing about each other. What should I do?
            

            

               --Eager To Be Told What I Want To Hear
            

            Dear Eag,

            Let her come. This must be Prudie's day to play
Cupid, because like the chap who wrote the previous letter, you sound as though
you have serendipitously found someone terrific. Take a chance. The worst
scenario is that you will be dropped on your head; in which case you will pick
yourself up and begin again--without having to wonder if you passed up the love
of a lifetime.

            And about the bitter
business. Prudie assumes this refers to another woman situation. The fact that
you acknowledge it, however, reveals a useful self-understanding. As for being
balding, Prudie is surely not alone in finding that look attractive, even sexy.
Once again, Prudie feels hunchy that the melding of très charmant and
jolly good could work out brilliantly.

            
--Prudie, sighingly

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               I put before you an etiquette quandary that I
faced a few years ago and may face again. I was going regularly to a New York
hair salon and getting my hair cut by the salon's owner. Was I supposed to tip
him? Even a hefty $10 or $15 tip seemed a paltry thing to put in the hand of
the owner of the salon. To me he was "the master," and tips only seemed
appropriate in the case of employees. I therefore refrained from handing him a
potentially demeaning tip but was still left with the feeling that I should do
something.
            

            
               After a few visits
(and no clear advice from my usually sage friends) I resolved to give him a
copy of a book I had written. As a personal gift with no measurable value, it
seemed a better way to thank him than to price my gratitude at 10 bucks. I have
moved from New York, but if I had stayed I am not sure what I would have given
him next. What should one do in such a situation?
            

            

               --Striving for Graciousness in Toronto
            

            Dear
Strive,

            Well, some years ago, Barbra Streisand married her
hairdresser, but that seems an excessive thank-you. Because you've left New
York, your question is hypothetical, unless, of course, you wind up in the same
situation again.

            As for not tipping an
establishment's owner, in terms of etiquette you are correct. Prudie, a
classically trained salon-goer, recommends a grand gift at Christmastime. Such
a  gift could cost the equivalent of a year's tips if one were so inclined. BTW
(as we say on the Internet) or "by the way," Prudie was recently on your
wonderful Bloor Street.

            
--Prudie, grandly

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence,
               
            

            
               Several of my
colleagues and I have noticed that our new supervisor repeatedly interrupts us
when we are talking on the phone with our clients. She can see the phone, she
can hear us talking, yet she bursts in, unwilling to wait. This leaves us in
the awkward position of wanting, but not being able, to tell her to go away (or
at least to cool her jets) or being inexcusably rude to others. Granted, we all
have quirks, but this is highly unnerving to many of us. Your thoughts,
please.
            

            

               --Trying Very Hard To Hear You in Michigan
            

            Dear
Try,

            It sounds as though your
new supervisor is 5 years old and hellbent on instant gratification. Prudie
would suggest that you and your colleagues go to this person's superior and
spell out the problem. If for some reason this is not feasible, write a memo
signed "Everyone in the department" saying you don't wish to be disrespectful,
but her habit is counterproductive, annoying, and unnecessary. Feel free to
point out that callus interruptus is bad for business.

            
--Prudie, uninterruptedly