No. 199: "Thirds"
He's done it twice, and he announced on the radio that if it were legal
to do it again he would. Opponents say this desire indicates "a strange
psychological state." Who wants to do what?
by noon
ET Tuesday to e-mail your answer to [email protected] .
Thursday's Question
(No. 198)--"Chat and Argue Choo Choo":
Next month, hoping to
re-establish cordial relations, more than 140 congressmen will board a
chartered Amtrak train bound for Hershey, Pa. What will they do when they get
there?
"The
same thing everyone does after getting off an Amtrak train: attempt to wash
that vague uriney smell out of their clothes."-- Tim Carvell
"Let
Mary Bono out of the bathroom."-- Michael Gerber
"I'm
not sure, but if Bob Barr is going, I'll bet he doesn't touch any 'Special
Dark' chocolate."-- Rich Harrington ( Alex Balk had a similar
answer.)
"Hershey? Train? Congressmen? Is it just me, or is it a little homoerotic in
here?"-- Larry Schnur
"Bang
on drums and try to get the talking stick away from a weepy Tom
DeLay."-- Molly Gabel
Click
for more answers.
Randy's
Wrap-Up
Beyond a preschool visit to a local dairy, my first
assembly line was at the Hershey's chocolate factory, and it was
perfect--incredibly loud and with a cocoa aroma as thick as a fist. There were
ordinary items--candy bars and Kisses--in infinite multiples, and ordinary
objects in gigantic versions--mixing bowls, ladles, boxes. But you'll never see
it.
Hershey no longer runs a factory tour. Instead it
has a visitors center--Candytown or The Chocolate Work Shoppe or Fattyland,
something like that--pathetic, fake, Disneyfied. It's the same at most
factories. Fear of lawsuits has superseded pride in the product.
One delightful exception, should you like your kids
to see something made, and an easy drive from Hershey, is Mack Truck in
Macungie, Pa. While it's an assembly plant, not a manufacturing plant, they do
start with a pile of parts in the morning and roll 50 of those big boys out the
door by the end of the day. You get to see people building something that's not
idiotic, a great treat for one who's worked in television.
It's interesting that the
Dem-Rep safari is at the site of a pseudoexperience rather than the real thing.
But if you're trying to inspire artificial amity, that's not such a bad
choice.
Randy's
Recantation
Several of you chided me
for calling the travelers "congressmen," omitting the women representatives.
Quite right. My mistake.
Touchy Feely
Answer
They're going to pretend that Sam Waterston is
Lincoln.
As they did in 1997, the representatives are
attending a retreat. Leaders of both parties are expected, including Dennis
Hastert and Richard Gephardt. Among the speakers will be historian Doris Kearns
Goodwin and John Hume who, along with David Trimble, won the Nobel Peace Prize
last year for his work in Northern Ireland. Waterston, supported by a troupe of
actors and historians, will present selections from the Great Emancipator.
The Pew Charitable Trust
is providing $700,000 to underwrite the event.
Month of Junk
Extra
I received 35 unsolicited e-mails in February, not a
huge number, but it's a short month, and I use a local Internet service
provider. Most of this trash, 19 pieces, proffered business
opportunities--dubious investments, credit card schemes, home employment.
Eleven involved retail sales (dental care, computers, divorce lawyers, online
auctions); four announced some sort of performance; one was an ancient chain
letter scam.
Each investment scheme began with a lie. Ask to be
removed from the list, and you learn that the return address is bogus. I
suppose I'll never get my money back. Or earn enough to buy that solid gold
hat.
A few highlights:
From: [email protected]
Subject: CBSNews:1st Aphrodisac Drug Apr
"The announcement of this scientific breakthrough
has set off a media fire-storm."
If this is an investment
opportunity, it's unconvincing. If it's a personal suggestion, it's
impertinent--like I'm not doing fine with Nyquil and Kahlúa cocktails.
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: "STRONG BUY" HI-TECH MEDICAL
"PDCID has announced priority production of their
proprietary Hypo-Sterile 2000 which render medical contaminants harmless."
Tempting. But my money's
tied up with Rumplestiltskin's process, which renders straw into gold.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Earn 2-4k Per Week from Home!!
"What have you done with your dreams?"
My dreams rarely involve
becoming a travel agent, but they frequently include an enormous cartoon
swan.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Next Networking
Events@Cheetah,Limelight
"After work Networking Events For Young
Professionals."
It's difficult to decide
which word in the above phrase is the least attractive.
From: [email protected]
Subject: A Bit About Your Family's History
"Do you know WHO your ancestors are and WHAT they
did?"
I already employ a system
for addressing these questions; it's called psychotherapy.
Common
Denominators
The dangers of an underfunded rail system.
The joys of erotically
applied chocolate.
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