No. 255: "Sorry, Right Number"
On Sunday,
Maryland Gov. Parris Glendening and his wife, Frances, released a statement
that began: "Early this morning, we received a call that every parent dreads."
What did the caller say?
Send
your answer by noon ET Wednesday to [email protected] .
Monday's Question
(No. 254)--"Too True To Be Good":
I give the New
York Times headline; you give a one-sentence summary of the story:
"Presidential Hopeful Displays Humanity."
(A tip of the Hatlo hat to Daniel Radosh.)
"In an
unscripted campaign moment yesterday, Steve Forbes was seen taking a sip of
water."-- Scott Douglas
"Steve
Forbes brought a small tribe of Pygmies to a press conference just because they
looked 'so brown and cute.' "-- Tim Rogers
"Steve
Forbes was arrested Sunday for exposing himself during a Daughters of the
American Revolution luncheon."-- Neal Pollack
"Steve
Forbes befriends a crippled child, predicts this Christmas will be 'the best
ever.' "-- Peter Carlin ( Mary Anne Townsend had a similar
answer.)
"Lyndon LaRouche to wed."-- James M. Frisby
Click
for more answers.
Randy's
Wrap-Up
Like cartoon
superheroes, each candidate has but a single attribute, generally as useless as
the Green Lantern's illuminability, or greenability, or whatever freakish power
he had. Has? Had? Is he still running? Steve Forbes is rich. Pat Buchanan is
cruel. George W. is hollow. Al Gore is wooden. Elizabeth Dole lacks
spontaneity, which is a lot like being wooden only if you poured a few drinks
into her, she'd loosen up, but he'd dissolve in some hideous yet unspectacular
chemical reaction. But just as most comic book readers move on to other forms
of literature (despite Art Spiegelman's unconvincing plea that "they're really
illustrated novels"), most voters in a mature democracy demand more from
candidates than a packaged personality and a glib slogan. Wait, sorry, excuse
me--as it turns out, no, they don't.
Albert
Schweitzerian Answer
John R. Kasich stuck around after a meet-and-greet
to help his hostess bury a dog.
Backing out of the driveway to go get ice for
supporters of the Republican long shot, Linda Kaiser ran over her Shetland
sheep dog, Magic. Not wanting to delay Kasich's march to the White House,
Kaiser put Magic's corpse in the barn.
After the guests had
departed ... well, let Linda tell it: "I killed my dog and he buried him. He
said, 'If I ever told my wife I left without burying this dog, we'd be
divorced. Get a shovel.' He's human, a nice person. He revealed himself as a
real person. I can't imagine Elizabeth Dole or George W. Bush burying my
dog."
Bedroom Farce
Extra
All dialogue taken from
yesterday's White House Conference on Mental Health. All stage directions
unfairly imposed.
The
vice presidential mansion. THE PRESENT.
COSTUME NOTE. The men all wear unattractive blue suits; the women wear
unattractive navy blue dresses, or vice versa. Everyone remains fully dressed
throughout.
(CURTAIN UP on Tipper Gore in a comically oversized bed, the sort of thing
you'd find in a Feydeau farce or on the Sonny and Cher Show . She looks
radiant. Something is moving beneath the bedcovers.)
VOICE
(from under the covers): I don't want to monopolize this ...
TG
(ecstatic): I'm happy to say that it worked.
(MIKE
WALLACE emerges from under the covers, his "hair" tousled. He looks pleased
with himself.)
MW: I
was lower than a snake's belly.
TG: No
one could do that any better than the sunshine of all our lives, our first
lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
(Hillary Rodham Clinton emerges from under the covers, happily disheveled.)
HRC:
If I had any voice, I'd break into "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" and
dedicate it to Tipper.
(Bill
Clinton emerges from under the covers.)
BC:
It's been so long since we've come together.
(AL
GORE emerges from beneath the covers. He looks a little uncertain.)
AG:
I'm anxious to follow instructions carefully, but to depart from my destruct
... or, to depart from my instructions, I want to say I hope you can see how
proud I am of Tipper.
(TIPPER points to Bill's lap.)
TG:
You might want to go over now.
AG:
Yes, ma'am.
(AL
GORE disappears back beneath the covers.)
TG (to
AG): It's important. Because you're a man and you come forward and you can help
so many men.
BC
(with rising delight): No couple in public life has ever done as much to try
and figure out how to help families.
AG
(from under the covers): What I hear you saying is that anyone who talks about
how important it is for families to stay together and be strong ought to also
be supportive of families in this situation.
BC: I
sort of feel like an anticlimax!
(MIKE
WALLACE perches on the president's shoulders.)
MW: I
feel better up here than ever in my life.
BC:
How much did you weigh?
(All
laugh affectionately and begin singing Stevie Wonder songs. )
CURTAIN.
Merciless
Quibbling Extra
" 'All
the world's Michael Jacksons now go by Mike, simply because of one
androgynously desiccated freak,' asserted M Pesca in his wrap-up yesterday. Or
not ... You'll notice on the front page of today's New York Times a
reference to Lt. Gen. Sir Michael Jackson of Britain, commander of NATO's
Kosovo peacekeeping force."-- Gina Duclayan
"Another Michael Jackson who hasn't relinquished his name is a well-known Los
Angeles talk radio host."-- Richard A. DeCamp
Mike Madden's Headline
Haiku
Say hello to
Sucker for kissing.
Obsession with vacuuming
Has complex roots.
Philadelphia
Inquirer , June 3, 1999 (Features only)
Common
Denominator
They'll show you theirs.
