No. 260: "A Touching (and Smelling) Tale"
"You're telling me
I have to touch anyone who comes in here, even if I don't want to? I have to
get up really close to them and smell their perfume, smell their breath?" asked
an incredulous Michael Damico. As it turns out, yes, he does. And what does he
have to do after that?
Send
your answer by noon ET Thursday to [email protected] .
Tuesday's Question
(No. 259)--"Even Educated Fleas Do It":
Millions of retirees and middle-aged women do it, and officials say
that's fine, as long as they do it for "health purposes" and not to "promote
superstition, spread rumors, engage in sedition, destroy social order or hold
mass assemblies." Do what?
"Golf?"-- Eddie Haskins
"Dissident bingo, every Wednesday night at Beijing Methodist!!!"--Ananda
Gupta
"Oprah's banned book club."-- Beth Sherman ( Tim Carvell had a
similar answer.)
"Santería. Or menopause. It's one or the other, I'm fairly sure."-- Tim
Carvell
"Die."-- Dan Simon
Click
for more answers.
Randy's
Wrap-Up
It's not what you do,
it's the purpose for which you do it. Twenty-five years ago, Pennsylvania
pinball machines displayed this warning: "for entertainment purposes only."
Apparently the legislature was concerned that they might be used for gambling
or, as I recall, Jewish ritual. Since then, Reform Judaism has changed a lot;
the Pennsylvania state Legislature, incidentally, has not. Men's room condom
machines of that era were marked "for prevention of disease only," lest someone
seek sexual pleasure, i.e., have sex for entertainment purposes only. Even now
ads for stocks are tagged "for information purposes only," i.e., this ad is not
an ad: It's René Magritte. For suckers. It is not foolish to consider intent,
hence the distinction between murder and accident and serious dieting. If a
stranger rendered you unconscious and went at you with a knife, it would mean
one thing if it were O. J. Simpson--or any other former NFL great--but
something else altogether if it were a surgeon. Or an old-school Reform rabbi,
performing a relevant bris atop a pinball machine.
Sect Crimes
Answer
Millions of Chinese join the group Falun Gong
(Buddhist law).
Fearing government
harassment, the group's founder and leader, Li Hongzhi, moved to the United
States last year. In a letter to followers, he accused China of trying to pay off the
United States to extradite him. Denying rumors of an imminent crackdown,
Chinese officials told representatives of the sect that as long as they stick
to group breathing and meditation exercises in public parks they face no
repression. They are, however, forbidden to "stir up chaos and destroy social
stability."
Kids' Corner
Extra
George W.'s official state Web site offers this fun activity for kids: "The Governor enjoys
sending and receiving letters. If you would like to receive an on-line letter
from the Governor, type your name, choose a question and select submit!" That
is: You can receive a reply the governor didn't write to a question you didn't
write that he didn't read. Easy to see why the governor enjoys that.
Which of the following
are actual prewritten questions from G.W.'s official list, and which are merely
crude attempts to mock and deride him?
What are you doing for children to make Texas a better place to live?
What would you like to say to young Texans considering a career in politics
or public service?
What makes a good leader and a successful person?
How did you get to be so handsome?
What has your business experience taught you?
Have you ever heard an actual kid use the term "business experience"?
Why doesn't your official bio mention your Connecticut birthplace? Trouble
with the cops?
Is it true that exploiting your family's political, business, and social
connections will only get you through the door, and after that you've got to do
a fairly good job much of the time?
Did that previous question seem too smirky for a kid? 'Cause I could, you
know, ask more stuff about your business experience.
Your official slogan, Prosperity With a Purpose--what purpose? Could it be
killing space aliens? Or the poor?
Your prep school isn't in your bio. More trouble? Stealing from another
kid's locker?
Your supporter J.C. Watts Jr. said: "Governor
Bush has the vision to see all Americans as they can be and not as they are."
But when I don't see people as they are, my folks get my urine tested. Is that
fair? (You mean when they, like, turn into monsters, right?)
Answers
Actual Prewritten Questions: 1, 2, 3, and 5.
Crude Attempts To Mock
and Deride: 4, 6-12.
Janice Zazinski's
Headline Haiku
Gain off Fat Pension
Fridge full of beer
Immigrants on the job
Busy factories in
Tokyo
--Wall Street Journal , June 15, 1999
(Front page only)
Common
Denominator
AARP and sex.
