Party at JonBenet's House!
A friend recently pointed out that Keeping Tabs has
paid relatively scant attention to the JonBenet Ramsey story, a failing of
which she's well aware. It's not that the tabloid coverage of the 6-year-old
beauty queen's murder has been anything less than scintillating. (A recent
highlight was the National Enquirer 's astonishingly detailed painting of
the poor child's lifeless body, bloodied garrote and all.) But following the
story's back-and-forth arc can induce such a maddening case of whiplash that
it's been hard to find the proper moment to pause and reflect. The grand jury's
recent failure to return any indictments in the case seems an appropriate
juncture, although any hopes that the story might fade away were dashed by this
week's Globe cover, which shows JonBenet with the words "IT'S NOT OVER"
printed menacingly across her forehead.
In recent weeks, one
could almost hear the tabloids' Ramsey machine kick into high gear as each
magazine tried to make sure it would be on record as having outguessed the
grand jury. (Although after nearly three years on the case, it's probably safe
to assume that they've all accused the correct murderer at some point.) The
Globe and the Enquirer forecast grand jury "bombshells" and
pointed fingers in Patsy Ramsey's general direction. But more intriguing was
the Globe 's report on Patsy's grooming habits: With her marriage
"wrecked" by the strain, she reportedly slipped away to a $2,300-a-week Georgia
spa, where, because she "is always concerned about her upper lip getting
hairy," she had a much-needed lip wax "to clear away the dark bristles."
Not to be outdone by the Globe 's hairy-lip scoop,
the Star ran reporter Shannon Loughrin's undercover exposé on the
"shocking sex and booze parties" at the house in Boulder, Colo., where JonBenet
was killed. Posing as a partygoer at a bash thrown by the current renters--a
group of college students--Loughrin writes as if she were on a pilgrimage to
some sacred mountain in the Andes. The occupants, she writes, "hold regular
parties ... drinking beer, listening to loud music and"--please Shannon, tell
us it's not so--"playing games like foosball into the early morning hours
inside the house where the Ramseys once lived." Loughrin's insights run from
the profound ("I realized how much Patsy's frilly, feminine decorative taste
clashed with that of the young college students") to the truly anguished ("I
passed a spiral staircase on my right, shuddering as I realized these were the
same stairs where Patsy claimed to have found the ransom note that fateful
morning after Christmas").
Perhaps sensing that
Loughrin could use a little time away from the story, the Star hired
former New York City police detective Bo Dietl to investigate JonBenet's death.
In Dietl's first dispatch from Colorado, the no-nonsense ex-cop claimed to have
already zeroed in on the "real killer," claiming that the Boulder police had
been "going after the wrong suspects since Day One." And while Dietl stopped
short of actually naming anyone, a teaser assured us that the following week
the Star would reveal "who really killed JonBenet and why." And sure
enough, the next week saw Dietl peeling away even more tantalizing layers:
JonBenet, he stated definitively, was not murdered by her parents,
although he accused them of lying and hiding information that would solve the
crime. And what of the promised revelation? A breathless Keeping Tabs made it
all the way to the end of the story, only to have Dietl, citing his lawyers'
advice, wimp out without naming a soul--a decision that instantly shot him to
the top of Keeping Tabs' public enemies list.
If they are indeed as "close to a divorce" as the
Star claims, the Ramseys might take comfort in the fact that they're in
good company. In fact, we'd be hard pressed to find a celebrity marriage that
didn't go under this month. Wandering eyes seem to be behind the lion's share
of splits, from Geraldo Rivera--who the Star says "sneaked a sexy young
woman on board his luxury sailboat for steamy lovemaking sessions while his
wife was home with the kids"--to America's Most Wanted host John Walsh,
who was "caught in the arms of a sexy blonde," per the Globe . But the
tabs can't agree on what caused shock jock Howard Stern's recent split with his
wife, Alison; the Globe claims that she lost it when Howard "cheated on
her--with a porn tape!" while the Star points to the radio host's
"increasingly out of control partying," including "wild nights with strippers."
The Enquirer confidently sums it all up in "one word: obsession."
("Howard's lifestyle was dictated by his obsession with his career," explains a
source.)
The country's most
famous wandering eye, however, still belongs to President Bill Clinton, who
(the Star tardily reports) hit on Tipper Gore during the 1992 campaign.
The Gores' marriage has apparently withstood the challenge, however; the
Star claims that they are planning to have another child. (The couple
reportedly acknowledges that since Tipper is 51, "natural conception is a long
shot.") But other problems seem to be looming for the vice president. The
Enquirer maintains that Gore's adherence to the Atkins diet has "dumbed
him down" and "impacted his thought processes": The avowed environmentalist is
eating steak and recently approved a resumption of whaling.
Perhaps the only celebrity divorce where stepping out was
not a factor was that of Michael Jackson and his wife, Debbie Rowe, a parting
that even the tabloids had a hard time trying to instill with the slightest
hint of dramatic tension. The Globe actually trumpeted: "Exposed!
Jackson's marriage was a sham." We wondered where on earth there might be
people to whom this shocking secret would have to be "exposed"--until the
Globe reminded us of that remote research facility in Antarctica from
which cancer-stricken researcher Dr. Jerri Nielsen had to be evacuated. The
Globe claims that Nielsen, who has universally been lauded as a hero, is
actually a "sad, selfish woman" who cheated on her ex-husband and deserted her
children.
Michael Jackson might be heartened to learn that
according to the Globe , his first ex-wife, Lisa Marie Presley, is "still
nuts" about him, even though she's seriously involved with musician John
Oszajca. The Star reports that the couple took what has to be the
ultimate '90s devotional step by investing $5,000 in computer-generated photos
of what their children would look like. In a similar vein, Presley might want
to check out the Globe 's computer simulation of what her ex might look
like today without plastic surgery. Which leads us to the only real bombshell
in this month's tabloids: The king of pop, it turns out, is actually an
African-American man.
