Antler Envy
You
know it must be holiday season in Tabloidland when all those dirty secrets
about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer start to surface. With the Globe
claiming that singing cowboy Gene Autry "hated" Rudolph's theme song and had to
be persuaded to record the Christmas classic, the National Enquirer
weighs in with a "surprising revelation": "Rudolph is a girl!" According to
"top university reindeer expert" Maria Berg, male reindeer have already shed
their antlers by late December, meaning that the nine antler-topped reindeer
traditionally seen with Santa on Christmas Eve must be female. As the
Enquirer explains, the "disclosure tears the wrapping off the widely
held myth that Kris Kringle's sleigh is pulled by burly, macho reindeer." Since
she wasn't aware that such a myth even existed, much less that it was widely
held, Keeping Tabs wonders whether those crazy kids at the Enquirer were
indulging in a rare moment of self-mockery. And we can't stop wondering: Just
what does it take to become a "top" reindeer expert these days?
In
keeping with the holiday spirit, recent tabloids have been filled with tales of
celebrity shopping excursions that amount to stories about people spending
outrageous sums of money very quickly. The Enquirer , for example, has
Jack Lemmon dropping a cool $100,000 on antiques in less than an hour. Not to
be outdone, former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell is said to have "plopped down 10
grand" on Prada ski outfits a mere "two minutes after she tried them on."
Our
favorite--and most flowery--account of lavish celebrity spending comes from the
Globe 's Charlene Tilton, who reports that Leonardo DiCaprio and "two
flamboyant guy pals" were recently spotted perusing the sheets and towels at
Los Angeles' Beverly Center. "After poring over dozens of colors and styles,"
Tilton reports, "the fussy fellas finally agreed on over $8,000 worth of luxury
linens and a dreamy down-filled comforter and duvet cover for Leo's master
bedroom." The Star , meanwhile, maintains that Jerry Seinfeld's new
fiancee, Jessica Sklar, "isn't wasting any time" spending her intended's $250
million fortune. Sklar is said to have "zigzagged through each department" of
New York's Bergdorf Goodman, where she "breathlessly scooped up $10,000 worth
of shoes," a feat that earned her the nickname "Hurricane Jessica."
Bergdorf's apparently weathered the storm, though; the Star reports that
Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston--who are, respectively, the former and
current loves of Brad Pitt--bumped into one another there while shopping for
cashmere shawls. Star columnist Janet Charlton treats the outing as a
competitive event. "Gwyneth won this round," she explains. "She spent $12,000
to Jennifer's $4,500." We're pleased that Her Gwyneth-ness had the opportunity
to splurge; no doubt she had to recover from the traumatic experience of being
promised a Beverly Hills shopping spree by new boyfriend Guy Oseary, only to
have him take her to Niketown, where (according to the Star ) she
"settled" for $400 worth of sneakers. Paltrow is lucky, however, that she did
not have to go bargain-hunting with Michael Jackson's soon-to-be ex-wife,
Debbie Rowe, whom the Star spotted "loading up on economy size gallons
of peanut butter, grape jelly, mayonnaise and cooking oil" at the "Smart and
Final" discount store.
Let's
see: got the reindeer, the presents ... how about a few angels? Julia Roberts,
says the Enquirer , insists that her dead father "gives her heavenly
advice every day!" while the Globe claims that Felicity star Amy
Jo Johnson's late mother is now her guardian angel, "watching over [her] and
guiding her to showbiz success."
Indeed, celestial guidance appears to be Hollywood's latest must-have
accessory. The Enquirer reports that Cher has been having
heart-to-hearts with her late ex-husband, Sonny Bono, while the Globe
says a Los Angeles psychic claims she "regularly" relays career advice to actor
Robert De Niro from the great beyond. The late John Belushi, for instance, is
said to have "specifically encouraged" De Niro to star in Analyze This ,
while the trio of Lenny Bruce, John Huston, and lyricist Alan Jay Lerner have
all been trying to tell the Oscar winner to "make more comedies and
musicals."
But it's not all business
with those ghostly folk. The spirit of "Mama" Cass Elliot has been known to
turn on the StairMaster and move jewelry around in her old home, according to
the Enquirer . Once, says current owner Dan Aykroyd, the ghost even
"crawled into bed" with him. "I just nuzzled up to whatever it was and went
back to sleep," he explains. (And for anyone left in the dark by the
Enquirer 's high fallutin vocabulary, they helpfully provide a "Fast
Fact" box, which explains that "a ghost is a dead person's spirit.") Aykroyd
might want to compare notes with ER star Noah Wyle, whose home is
reportedly haunted by the ghost of its famous former owner, director John
Derek. Or perhaps he should take a cue from Ally McBeal 's Lucy Liu, who
the Enquirer says once "did more than snuggle with a spook ... she
claims she actually had sex with one." "It was sheer bliss," Liu is quoted as
saying. "I felt everything. I climaxed. And then he floated away." Wow. We bet
Scrooge never tried that with Jacob Marley.
