ArticleIP_66951.txt

   
   
      
         
            Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence:
               
            

            
               About a month ago, my father informed us--by
e-mail!--that he was planning to divorce my mother and had contacted a lawyer.
Now he tells us he's coming home for Christmas. At the same time, my mother
invited a friend of hers for Christmas dinner because the woman recently
discovered her husband's 6-year-long affair and has no one to share the holiday
with.
            

            
               The problem is my mother hasn't told her friend
about my father wanting a divorce. Although we all plan to be civilized about
it, if my father makes some offhand comment about the situation, it will be
awkward to say the least. My sister and I feel our mother should discreetly
tell her friend what's going on, but my mother is very proud and prefers to
pretend that everything is fine, especially since she's the one who encouraged
her friend to dump her husband. Mom's afraid that her friend will encourage her
to go along with the divorce--which she doesn't want to do. Should my sister
and I quietly tell Mom's friend what's up? Or should we ask our dad to stay
away from the topic of the divorce during dinner? We don't know what to do that
won't make the problem worse. Christmas dinner is shaping up to be a nightmare.
Help!
            

            
               Can it get any more
awkward than this?
            

            Dear Can:

            Probably ... but you
have a day or two to make your moves. Since the woman guest is your mother's
friend, and your mother wishes to keep her marital situation under wraps
(strangely, Prudie thinks) you should not be the one to spill the beans. And
since your father wants to come to Christmas dinner (strangely, Prudie thinks)
the mechanistic thing to do to salvage the night is to quietly tell your dad
that your mom hasn't broken the news to her friend ... so could he please
pretend things are "normal." Take heart that yours will be just one of
countless such dinners around the country where the family dynamics are, shall
we say, unusual.

            
--Prudie, delicately

            

               
                  Prudence:
               
            

            
               As a young woman
with serious curves on a trim frame, I, myself, have had to deal with the issue
of my gazongas and my pretty face in a professional manner. I wear non-push-up
bras with thin padding, often marketed as "T-shirt bras," and I only wear
tight-fitting sweaters if they are black, long-sleeved, and matte. Tailored
shirts work well, too. I find that having Katharine Hepburn as my style icon
for work clothes is an ideal solution, even though I've got a Marilyn Monroe
body. The difficult part for who wrote will be requesting, in a tactful
fashion, that his girlfriend dress modestly. I recommend the Katharine Hepburn
metaphor as a gentle and flattering way to make this request.
            

            
               Best wishes,
            

            

               --E.C.
            

            Dear E.:

            You are nice to weigh in
as a Prudie. The young man will probably have to be a little more explicit than
just mentioning the Great Kate's name, however, because her style of dressing
is most associated with slax and turtlenecks. Also, the wonderful Ms. Hepburn
was never known for remarkable gazongas. Prudie guesses it's the Hepburn aura
you're going for, since, unlike you, there was no Marilyn Monroe body
underneath all those tailored clothes. Just as an aside, Prudie cannot quite
understand your wearing the "T-shirt bra" with its thin padding. Wouldn't
padding--even thin--be gilding the lilies?

            
--Prudie, titularly

            

               
                  Prudence:
               
            

            
               Three little addenda to your advice to Junior
Exec.
            

            
               1) If he wishes to continue to advance his
career, he might want to refer to his well-endowed partner as a "woman," not a
"girl." If, however, she is under 18, then he has a completely different
problem.
            

            
               2) He might want to establish the difference
between "plain" and "major pair of hooters." The opposite of "plain" is
actually "beautiful," and the opposite of "major hooters" is "flat as a
pancake."
            

            
               3) What exactly is
the problem he wants advice for? Is he actually suggesting that having a
bazoomba fetish might hamper his career? Wake up and smell the coffee, Junior.
This is America!
            

            

               Nitpicker, Emmaus, PA.
            

            Dear Nit:

            Hmmm. Bazoomba fetish.
Prudie thanks you for the new word ... and for letting the young man have it
with both barrels. Prudie, for some reason, only used one.

            
--Prudie, mammiferously

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence:
               
            

            
               Thanks for all the
great advice. Here is my problem: My mom calls me every few days for a chat,
and she is in the habit of eating while talking on the phone. She is invariably
crunching an apple or snacking on beef jerky every time I talk to her. It's
disgusting! I actually try to avoid her calls so that I won't have to listen to
those noises. I think this is so rude and inconsiderate of her, but I don't
know what to do about it. I have even tried doing it back to her, but she
didn't get the hint. Her grazing into the receiver is making me nuts. What
should I do?
            

            

               --S.E.
            

            Dear S.:

            Instead of chomping on beef jerky yourself, hoping
the mother of all grazers will get the hint, why not opt for a more direct
approach? Simply say, "Mother, you know I love you, but the noise of your
eating while talking on the phone distracts me from what you're saying." You
might suggest that she separate the activities of eating and phoning. If you
feel she wouldn't respond well to your request, then avoid her calls when you
can, and when you can't, hold the phone far away from your ear. Of course you
won't know what she's saying, but life is choices, my dear.

            Prudie has the reverse
situation by the way. When talking to her mother, if she's in the
kitchen it always seems like a good time to do whatever dishes are in the sink.
This invariably elicits from Prudie's mother: "Are you running water?" Until
explicitly asked to desist, Prudie will continue. This is all by way of saying
that people do what they're in the habit of doing, unless specifically asked to
cut it out.

            
--Prudie, habitually

            
               
                  Dear
Prudence:
               
            

            
               Do you know about the latest craze in parking
spots? They are "pregnant lady" or "families with children" spots at malls and
grocery stores. My contention is that these are no different in theory than a
"whites only" parking spot, though of course, in practice, racial
discrimination beats reproductive discrimination hands down. The contention of
the pregnant member of the office staff is that I'm a bastard.
            

            
               Should I take the
gentlemanly way out and quit parking in the spaces reserved for the breeders or
continue my lonesome fight?
            

            

               --Sid
            

            Dear Sid:

            Prudie has not heard of
these new preferential parking spots. It would seem prudent (to use the
adjective named for your adviser) to forgo your "lonesome fight" in the name of
peace and quiet. Hang on, though. The way reproductive developments are going,
it shouldn't be too long before you can look a policeman in the eye and say,
"Sir, I am entitled to this space. Though I do not show yet, I am due in the
spring."

            --Prudie,
futuristically